Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Where I should be

I should be in Denver right now snuggled up with two perfect embryos.  Having my aunt wait on me hand and foot so I can lay in bed and pray for those perfect embryos to stick.  

But that is not the case.  We postponed our embryo transfer so I am here, at home.  It was a tough decision and it wasn't all at the same time.  We wanted to go ahead with it so bad but Lonnie was just too sick.  I would have been worried about him constantly and that is not conducive to trying to get pregnant.  I talked to my nurse and she made me feel better about it, she said it happens sometimes.  We would have had regrets if we went through with it in haste and it didn't work.  Should we have waited?  Did the stress play a factor?  Why did we rush it?

So I am here.  At home.  And that is right where I should be.  Taking care of my husband.  Hooking him up to his IV three times a day, forcing him to drink more Gato.rade and asking him too many times how he is feeling.  Our little embryos will be there in a few months when the timing is right.  :)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Stressed.

Well. 

There is a lot going in up in here. 

My poor Lonnie is in the hospital and has been since Sunday. He has meningitis. I mentioned that he was getting sick again and it was similar to the horrible he had in May. Well he started getting better last Thursday and Friday. So we thought everything was good. 

Well over the weekend he rapidly deteriorated. Saturday afternoon he mentioned that he had a headache. He laid down for a nap and when he woke up he had a fever again. Great. I could tell he was not feeling well. He took Tylenol for the pain and laid around all evening. Sunday morning he looked worse and his headache would not go away.  Then he started vomiting. Oh dear. We decided to take Blakely to my mom's house so he could have some quiet and try to rest. By the time I got back from taking her (about 30 minutes) he was much worse. I found him on the bathroom floor shivering and saying he needed to go to the ER. Cue freak out from me. 

Anyway, I took him. He has meningitis. Pretty sure it's viral. He's being treated with antibiotics in case it was partially treated (with the initial antibiotics) bacterial meningitis. They say it isn't contagious. I'm sure I would have it already if it was. He is pretty miserable and I am ready to see some improvement.  You pretty much just have to let the virus pass and manage the symptoms. He is on an antiviral in case this specific virus will respond to it.

They are testing his spinal fluid for a million different things to try and figure of what caused this.  They are trying to figure out if this and his illness in May are related. So far everything that has come back has been negative. A whole lot of waiting. 

Then there is the fact that I am supposed to leave for Denver on Saturday for an embryo transfer on Monday.  Yeah....

I don't know what we are going to do. We thought if he was getting better we would still go ahead with the transfer. But he is still in a lot of pain and is not eating because of the nausea.  He was actually worse yesterday. I am thinking we should cancel.  And that sucks really fucking bad.  We are so close but I want everything to be perfect.  I don't want to jeopardize the transfer in any way. What if he feels better, we go through with it and then while I am gone he gets worse?  I need to be very relaxed and non-stressed. Maybe this isn't the right time even though everything leading up to now has made it seem like it was. I don't know. I just want to make the right decision. 

Blogged this from my phone because I am at the hospital.  Phone blogging is pretty awful...

Friday, July 18, 2014

Little mama.

I don't know about your kids but my little LOVES playing with "babies".  She has about 100 of them and she knows where they all are at any given time.  It is amazing really.  I will not be able to find one that she wants to take with us in the car or something.  She will be like, "Oh, Emma is on the floor in the bedroom upstairs with a blanket on top of her by the bed".  Okayyyyy.  

She sets them up and takes their picture.  (all her...not me)

She lays them all out for naps.  

Oh and since this picture was taken they each must have their very own blanket or shit hits the fan.  So I wash dish towels multiple times a week.  (Or maybe I don't and just put them back in the drawer.  Who knows?)

She gives them baths.  
This was one of those "she is being too quiet so what the heck is she doing moments".  

She reads books to them.  

She sets up tea parties for them.  


She gives them timeouts.  Then she explains to them that "you need to listen to me.  When you do not listen you get timeout.  Okay?  Love you.  Now hug and tiss".  Hmmmmm.

She loves them and if they fall (or she throws them) she runs over and gives them a big hug and kisses their boo boo's.  It is all really really sweet.  



But Y'ALL.  I can't tell you the happiness that leapt from my little girl's face when she got to hold a real live 3 day old actual for real BABY.  Holy.    

My friend Tina just had her third baby and we went over for a visit.  Blakely had never held a baby before.  Well that changed real quick.  At first she wanted me to hold him with her.  But after about a minute of that she told me that she could do it by herself.  It was the sweetest thing ever.  I had to hold back my ugly cry a few times.  

She kissed him about 100 times.  She would look over at me and whisper "Mommy, can I kiss him on his head?"  Then, "Mommy, I am gonna kiss his ear".  Then his cheek, then his lips, then his hand and on and on and on.  

She did not want to leave.  Really, I didn't either!  He was just so fresh and snuggly.  We can't wait to go back and see baby Diffin!  His name is really Griffin but since B calls him Diffin that is his nickname around here.  ;)

This girl needs a baby sibling pronto, no?  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sick again.

So Lonnie is sick again.  Very very similar to what he had the last time.

When he got home from work Friday he told me he was exhausted and he went directly to bed at 5:15.  He slept until 8:30 and then came in the living room and told me he felt like he had been hit by a truck.  I started to panic a little because that is exactly what he told me last time.  I tried not to worry.  I thought he just had a rough week at work.  

In the middle of the night he woke up freezing cold with the chills and he had a fever.  He was also having severe joint pain (last time it was muscle pain and severe weakness so that is a difference in the illnesses).  Then I really started to freak out.  Holy crap this can not be happening again.  

We started talking about it.  There were either 2 things going on.  He was getting the myositis or something similar again.  OR he had a virus that he could pass on to me and Blakely.  Now.  We are two weeks away from our embryo transfer and I CAN NOT get sick.  We weren't sure what to do.  Eventually we decided it would be best for me and B to go stay at my mom's house and his mom to come down and take care of him.  I did not want to do this at all.  I wanted to be the one to take care of him.  I always want to be the one.  But we had to try and look at the bigger picture.  We are so close to our goal of getting pregnant and we would hate to jeopardize that by me getting sick right here at the end.  (I am in total hibernation mode)

Anyway, he continued to get worse over the weekend.  He had one of the worst call weekends he has ever had so that was real fun for him.  Anytime he wasn't at the hospital (rare) he was sleeping.  He has actually been a little better yesterday and today so I am really thankful for that.  Last time day 3-5 were the absolute worst.  They drew a ton of labs yesterday...14 vials!  So we are waiting to hear about those.

This time around he does not have the muscle weakness so he is able to continue working through his joint pain.  His fever seems to go away during the day and then return about 2-3 in the afternoon.  Our doctor is not sure if the two similar illnesses are related but he does think the it is quite the coincidence and that is why they have ordered a boatload of testing to be done.  

Blakely and I are back home now.  If this was something contagious then that period has passed so we came home yesterday.  I really hated being away from him when he was so sick.  Ugh..so much guilt about that.  Deep down I definitely feel like these two illnesses are related.  Since the last time, he has mentioned to me that his right ankle hurts at night.  Once he gets up and walks on it in the mornings it is fine.  Then it stiffens up at night and he has to limp to the shower every morning.  Now he gets a fever with much more severe joint pain in more joints?  Something is going on.  I am really hoping we figure it out soon because something weird is going on.  My man is has been in pain and I hate to see that.  Boo.  

Monday, July 14, 2014

a couple of funnies...

A few funny things to start off your week...

The other day Blakely and I were snuggling on the couch watching Mick.ey right before bed time.  She was haplessly rubbing my arm and she had made her way up to my armpit.  All of the sudden she stopped, looked at me and Lonnie with wide eyes and said "Mommy has a beard under her arm!"  Lonnie nearly fell of the couch laughing.  So now they both always ask to see my "armpit beards".  Hilarious.  

To be fair, it had been like 24 hours since my last shave.  I wouldn't call that a freaking beard but I don't think I will ever be living this one down.  



A few days ago I sent Lonnie a text telling him I had a headache (hormones!).  I will just let the screenshot of the convo do the talking.  


Yeah.  Obviously I meant to say "drank some coke".  And even funnier is right after I realized my phone's mistake his mom called me laughing hysterically.  He had forwarded the screenshot to our moms and all my friends.  Why, Lonnie?  Why?  



And speaking of texts.  2 days ago I realized my phone started changing "we" to "fuck".  There were a few funny texts that I didn't catch before sending and I was so confused.  I just figured I typed fuck a lot and the phone hated me.  I told this to Lonnie and he said that is why he married me, because I say fuck.  FUNNY.  

Then, today, I noticed that when I type "what" it changes to "fuck you asshole".  You can imagine the accidental text that was sent with that one.  I knew immediately something was up and someone had messed with my phone.  Hmmmmm....who could that be?!?!?

That guy...

I didn't even know you could set shortcuts like that on the phone!  Ugh.  He admitted it and now I will retaliate.  I am taking all suggestions of humiliation for the husband.  Go!  

Happy Monday!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Personality

The other day Lonnie and I had a conversation about Blakely's personality.  We are seeing more and more of it these days and it is so interesting to us to see how she is like one of us and how she is different.  

Lonnie and I were both very shy growing up.  Lonnie would say he was painfully shy at times.  I was shy but not around my core group of friends that I played sports with (the girls I am still friends with to this day).  But put me in front of strangers or kids that I thought were cooler than me and I was a ball of nerves and just wanted to get the heck away.  Looking back I see how ridiculous that was and it used to drive my family crazy.  I remember them always encouraging me to go talk to a group of girls at a basketball game or something and it sounded like the worst thing in the world to just walk up and start a conversation with people I barely knew.

Lonnie was very shy in high school and college and then in medical school he started to come out of his shell.  He is the farthest thing from shy now and it is hard for me to imagine him as being a timid guy.  I am going by what he has always told me and what his mom has said to me.  I think, for him, once he gained confidence in himself then he started to be more social.  For most, that comes with age and maturity.  I think that is why I find it so ridiculous how shy I was.  I can remember many times people thought that I was rude or mean but really I was just too nervous and self conscious.  

Anyway, back to Blakely.  I can see some of our shyness coming out in Blakely.  I would not say that she is super shy because she definitely enters in and plays with other kids.  She even talks to random adults at the store if they ask her a question.  But she is cautious.  She checks everything out first.  She is not scared but she wants to know all about the situation before diving in head first.  For example, I took her to the library for the first time yesterday.  There were a ton of kids there reading books and playing with the toys and train tables.  She told me she wanted to go play with them.  I told her to go ahead.  She wanted me to come with her.  I told her I was going to be looking for a book to check out and she could come with me or play with the kids.  She wanted to play.  She would walk over to them and watch them for a few minutes and then run back to me.  She did this about 4 times, each time watching them longer, before finally just jumping in and playing right alongside them.  Then she was totally in her comfort zone.  She played and jumped and laughed and hugged and chased.  It was so cute to watch her little mind work this out.  She wanted to play really bad but she was just a little nervous.  But each time she gained confidence until she just went for it.  

I started thinking about this because I see some other kids at school with her that are totally opposite.  There is one sweet little girl who has never met a stranger in her life.  She gives everyone a hug even if it is the first time meeting them and she just runs right in to play with the big kids like it is no big deal.  Then I see other kids that cling to their mother's leg and refuse to even look at anyone.  I would say Blakely is in the middle of that spectrum.  If she knows you then she is in no way shy at all.  But if she doesn't then it takes her a minute to warm up.  

It is really fun to see both Lonnie and I coming out in our daughter's personality.  We have never really seen any shyness in her before but I just think that she is getting older and becoming more aware.  We've definitely seen the stubbornness she gets from her father!  And he would say we've seen the drama queen attitude she gets from me!  Ha!  I wouldn't have her any other way!  

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The 4th and some things.

I hope everyone had a great 4th!  Isn't is wonderful when it falls on a Friday?  We drove about 2.5 hours to my brother in laws house on Thursday and stayed all weekend.  

They just put in a pool so we were outside all weekend.  It is really more of a backyard experience than just a pool.  They have a new outdoor kitchen and indoor/outdoor patio area.  Totally wonderful and it felt like we were at a resort all weekend!  

The kids swam and we ate wonderful food.  I don't know if I have mentioned this before but my BIL, Marshall, is an amazing cook.  He cooked all of our meals and each one of them was amazing.  He seriously should have been a gourmet chef.  We always get fed really well when he is around.  

I won't overwhelm you with pictures but only because I didn't take any.  I forgot my good camera and, really, having a 2 and a half year old around a pool there is no time to do anything but watch her.  Thank goodness for my mother in law who helped with that so I could enjoy a few poolside drinks.  :)

I did snap this one of Blakely and her cousin Syble's other cousin, Sophie Grace.  Confused?  Anyway, turns out they had on matching swimsuits.  Not planned but adorable anyway.  I am a sucker for Ol.d Na.vy holiday gear.  Gets me every time.  


Lonnie picked blackberries a couple of times last week.  Blakely really wanted to go so we let her but just for a little bit.  Too many snakes!  She thought it was fun and has been trying to get Daddy to go again.  

They are really great this year because we have had a lot of rain.  The first night I made some mini blackberry pies.  They turned out good but the cobbler I made the next night was even better.  We have been snacking on them of the for a while and I am kind of blackberried out.  I put the rest of what we have in the freezer.  He says he may go a few more times but we will see.  I am so mad that I didn't take a picture of the final cobbler because it was pretty! 

It was a year ago that all the shit went down with our 5th IVF.  (onetwothreefourfive)  I am over it now but I would be lying if I said I wasn't still a little bitter.  That really messed me up for a while.  I don't know if I would have even remembered the day except my retrieval was on the 4th of July and that is hard to forget.  Anyway, I am really happy with where we are in our infertility journey now.  What a difference a year makes!

Speaking of infertility, I have started my medications for our frozen embryo transfer.  We have a tentative date of transfer of July 28th!  Wow.  That is really soon.  Right now I am injecting 5 units of lu.pron each morning and taking a baby aspirin.  I put on an estrogen patch every other day and that will gradually increase to 4 patches every other day over the next few weeks.  I am thrilled and excited that we are getting so close to the last step in this process.  I am also getting quite nervous!  

Lastly, thank you of all of the concern and well wishes for my mom.  She is doing better and has a check up today.  She has sure enjoyed the extra Blakely snuggles!