Ok so this having a newborn thing is rough. Yes, I knew that it would be hard. But I guess there are some unexpected things that have made it harder than I thought.
For example, this 3rd degree tear that I have is some serious business. I mean it frickin' hurts! I am two weeks out and it is still very painful. It is better than it was in the beginning but no where near back to normal. It aches constantly and anytime I have to go to the bathroom I pretty much leave there in tears. I guess I didn't know what to expect as far a recovery from a vaginal delivery. Everyone talks about how hard the recovery is from a c-section that I guess I just thought that recovery from this would be a breeze. Not pregnant anymore? That so doesn't mean you will be able to move any faster or get comfortable any easier...at least for now. All I want to do is let the warm water from the shower run over me...but there is not much time for that. I talked to a friend of mine that had a pretty bad tear (only 2nd degree though) and she said it took her about 6-8 weeks to feel "normal" down there. So I guess I have a long way to go. They did send me home with pain pills and ibuprofen 800's. I have been taking the ibuprofen but I only take the pain pills occasionally. The main reason for this is that they make it even harder to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her. I also don't want to take them all the time since I am breastfeeding. They say it is ok but I just always worry about stuff like that.
Also, my girl has started spitting up. This is not fun at all. Not because of the mess or anything like that but because of the worry. Let me start from the beginning of the breastfeeding thing.
For the first week it was easy! She was a champion eater. The first few days she would do about 20 minutes on each side. She would latch on easily and just go to town. My milk came in on the 4th day and she slowly started eating for a smaller amount of time. I'm assuming because she was getting more. A few days after that, when my milk started really flowing, is when we started having a few problems. After a few minutes she would start choking and milk would be flowing out the sides of her mouth and she just couldn't keep up. Apparently I have an "overactive letdown". Basically this mean my boobies are like water hoses. She nibbles for a few seconds and they both just start gushing! It is pretty crazy. We would both end up covered in milk. I started just getting both of us naked to feed her...less laundry.
This is when the spit up started happening. I do not enjoy seeing my daughter gag and choke and throw up. It is hard to watch. I could hear it start to come up and then she would get this horrible look on her face and then out it would come. Sometimes it would go back down only to come up a few minutes later. She acted like she was in pain from this. I started googling infant reflux. HMMMMM....wanna know one of the causes? Yeah, that would be eating too fast and swallowing too much air. So I gave my daughter reflux. How great am I?
So I started looking for things to help fix my "overactive letdown". I found that nipple shields are supposed to help with this. Funny I just thought they were for sore nipples. Anyhow, they gave me one in the hospital so I decided to try it. She did really great with this. I was pumped! The problem with it is that it is one more thing I have to do to get her ready to eat. See, I was changing her diaper after she ate because she would usually poop then. But I started changing it before so I didn't have to lay her flat after she ate. That made her for sure have the reflux and spit up was inevitable. So when I would wake her up (or she would wake me up) I would change her diaper and then feed her. By the time I got her to the boob she was PISSED and ready to eat. If she woke me up then she was already pissed during the diaper change! I am telling you...the second she wakes up she wants to be eating.
The point of this is then I added in the shield. SOOOO this was my routine in the middle of the night. Get up and put the shield in hot water to let it soak while I changed her diaper. Grab the shield on the way back to bed. Lay her in the bed while I get situated to feed her. Cue her screaming. Then I have to get the shield attached. This requires me to put a little lanolin cream around its edges and then position it. Then grab screaming baby and get her to the boob STAT. It is not a fast process. Then it would never fail....she would knock the dang thing off with her hand! So I would have to lay her back down get situated again and put her back to the boob. It usually took a good three times to get her latched. Keep in mind that she is screaming the whole time...bless her heart...she just wants to eat!
Breastfeeding went from something that I looked forward to to being something that I dreaded. I hate seeing her scream....
Night before last after she knocked it off like three times I just took it off and didn't use it. Once my milk started flowing too much for her I took her off and tried to let it flow because it eventually slows down. This seemed to work pretty well. I was pumped! No more shield! She didn't spit up for over 24 hours. Excited mommy :)
Then there is today. Two explosive spit ups with a very fussy baby after. I can tell it is painful for her. I can hear it come up in her throat and she gets this awful look on her face. Then she gags or coughs. Boo :( So I guess we will be going back to the shield and see if that helps. It is almost a two person job with that damn shield...UGH!
They say that babies grow into the fast letdown so that is good news. I know that there are much worse problems to have while breastfeeding. I am happy to have such a good supply and that she doesn't have any problems latching on. I think I just got fooled in the beginning into thinking that this breastfeeding thing would be easy. I will not give up though...i will not give up.
Oh and don't even get me started on pumping....I hate that thing! I am going to have to learn to like it but right now it just hurts and stresses me out.
I guess I just feel like it is my fault that she is having the reflux/spitting up. My husband says that is crazy but I can't help but feel that way. I don't want her to have to get on medicine or anything.
The spitting up leads to all sorts of other things as well. I have to keep her upright for a while after she eats. Hard to do in the middle of the night...means less sleep for mommy. It also means more stress for mommy. I am scared to death to lay her flat on her back.....worried that she will spit up and aspirate it or something. She sleeps in the little newborn napper in her pack n play. I want to put her flat in the pack n play so she can get used to being flat for when we move her to her crib. But I am scared so she sleeps in the napper at night.
I feel like I am totally rambling now so I am sorry for that.
I'm not sure the point of this post. Just needed to get this out I guess. Mommy is having a hard time. It is just weird. I mean all through the years of infertility I just wanted so bad to be pregnant, to experience pregnancy, to experience labor and delivery. I mean I wanted a baby too but during that time I just mostly thought of the immediate future...getting pregnant. Then when it finally happened it was hard for me to actually think that was going to mean a baby at the end. I worried the whole time about something going wrong. I literally worried about this to the VERY end. I think I was just protecting my heart...just in case...because it had been broken so many times before.
I guess I am just adjusting to having her here. I don't think I ever really thought it would happen..even when I was in the hospital about to have her! It just felt like I was in someone else's life...so surreal. Well now it is sinking in...I have a daughter. It just brings a flood of emotions and I swear I cry so much. I just love her so much and want so much for her. I want to do a good job for her!
I am not depressed...I am just processing. Processing all of these emotions and getting used to having this precious little miracle in my life. I love her so much it makes me cry to even think about it.
Sorry to be such a downer! Let's end this post on a cute note!
Blakely says GO HOGS! Or she did before she fell asleep :)
Have you spoke with a lactation consultant about the overactive let down? I am a CLC and we have been teaching laid-back breastfeeding. It's where you recline back at about a 30-40 degree angle rather than sitting upright or leaning over. This has actually shown to be helpful for moms with overactive let down because the milk does not have gravity assisting the force of the flow. Instead the milk is flowing upward based upon baby's suck so she would have more control. If you are not already doing it, I would look into it as an alternative. Several moms have said that it's more comfortable for them as well.
ReplyDeletean IBCLC Susan Coleson has a website called Biological Nurturing where she has information on laid back breastfeeding
http://www.biologicalnurturing.com/index.html
I know some babies go from content to starving very quickly but she might have some small ques that you will pick up over time that will be precursors to the 'feed me now' scream. If you can catch her before she is overly fussy this will also help reduce gas, a.k.a. intake of excess air, which will help. You probably already heard of these but some early feeding cues are
Rapid eye movements (fluttery eye movements while eyes are closed)
Muscle tension, such as flexed arms or closed fists
Wriggling or fidgety body movements
Vocalization (not crying)
Hand to mouth movement (even if eyes are closed, may include sucking on own hand)
Rooting (when touch on either cheek results in their actively turning towards anything, including their own hand, shoulder, any inanimate object, a finger on their cheek, or any other part of another person's body)
You are doing an awesome job and wonderful thing for both you and your baby. It's an investment in the first few weeks but it will be so worth it in the end. It will just take some time to learn more about each other and this wonderful little person you made but what an amazing time it is. Congratulations!
Wow what an awesome coment from the above commenter!! So helpful!! I just wanted to be your cheerleader and say you are doing such an amazing job! BFing is so hard so congratulations for sticking with it. I am no nurse, just a mommy that had a spit-up baby as well, so here are a couple tips from me, feel free to ignore them if you want ;-) First, I ended up rolling a towel up and putting it under one end of the mattress (pack n play) so my baby slept at a slight angle. This helped stop the spitting up at night after nighttime feedings. It also helped that if he did spit up, it wouln't choke him. Also, have you tried the "football hold". I used this because I think it helped keeping my baby more upright almost in a sitting position to eat, rather than lying down. It might help. Hang in there girlie, your daughter is a beauty!!
ReplyDeleteI had an overactive letdown. My lactation consultant advised me to try the side lying technique which is wonderful in the middle of the night and also to lay back and put the baby above the breast. So that the milk is harder to get out. Basically use gravity to work for you instead of against you! It solved all of our problems! He still spit up but he didn't choke and I wasn't completely covered in milk! Eventually the let down got less crazy as my supply started to get stabilized! Hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job there Mommy! It is a huge adjustment being a mother and it sounds like you are going through the normal struggles. You may want to see if you can go back to the hospital and have them work with you and Blakely with the breastfeeding issues. Our hospital said we could come back anytime for help. Also, I use a nipple shield as well (not for same reasons tho) and Aiden won't breastfeed now without it. I don't soak it long in hot water, just drop it in and then on my boob it goes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I had a 2nd degree tear and they also had to give me an episiotemy and I felt like my woman areas were on FIRE for the first 3 weeks. I ended up going back to the doctor because I was convinced something was wrong with me because of the pain. I was SO shocked with how hard the recovery from a vaginal delivery was too...But know that you aren't alone! I wrote a pretty similar rant post about recovery and all the things I wish someone had told me about that too after Aiden was born. Just please know that you are so normal and that in a couple more weeks you will start feeling like your normal self. Short showers are in your future for now tho. Have you tried a warm squirt bottle to use after you use the bathroom? Also, I used Dermoplast (get at any pharmacy) and sprayed it down there and it helped numb my cuts...You are doing a great job! Hang in there!
Even though I do not plan to BF, I appreciate the honesty of your post! Being a few days (hopefully) from motherhood myself, I want to know what it is really going to be like once we bring her home. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI'm also glad to know that I am not the only one who imagined the pregnancy, but not much past that. I am almost to the point of panic sometimes, just thinking about bringing a baby home. I mean, I knew pregnancy ended with a baby, but I just never imagined I would make it this far.
Best of luck to you and baby Blakely! You are a great mom, even if you don't feel like you are. Just the fact that you are concerned for her speaks volumes!
Just chiming in to let you know that it's good to write about the hard stuff too. I don't know of anyone who has an easy time of it, for the first month or two. So I wanted to let you know that you are doing an AMAZING job, working so hard to give your daughter the best start in life and you are an amazing mom for doing it. Hang in there. These first few weeks really ARE the toughest as you figure it all out... and so does Blakely. Many hugs to you. Give that sweet little girl a kiss from the blogging family!
ReplyDeleteI can't help much on the breastfeeding but I can tell you I had a 3rd degree tear and after about 2 1/2 weeks it was like instantly I felt back to normal. I definitely wasn't expecting it to take so long though, and getting up and down, walking, and going to the bathroom was not fun for a while. I hope here in the next few days you start to feel better too. Hang in there - I think you are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteBreastfeeding is so hard! I use a nipple shield too but I don't bother soaking it or using lanolin cream, I just slap it on there and it stays on its own. She does knock it off sometimes. Do you use the medela contact shield? It has a little cutout where their nose goes so they still get skin to skin contact during feedings. I hope things get easier for you!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congratulations Kelly. You're lucky that your boobs are overflowing with milk. My SIL, who had her baby in July, had to massage her boobs to make them work for the first two weeks. It was painful as hell for her. The pumping was difficult for her as well. Because of the tear she couldn't sit, so my brother and I took turns on pumping her breasts (someone had to do it, and I didn't mind). I never realized just how stressful breastfeeding is until this baby came.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to tell you what they my brother and SIL did to prevent their baby from chocking. The baby was sleeping in the crib from the very first day, but what they did was they put books under one side of the mattress to create a slope. That way the baby wasn't flat on her back in case she started spitting and throwing up. Trust me, this was ingenious and saved them a lot of grief. Also, I think the babies have an instinct to turn their head to the side if they start throwing up.
And another thing - here babies are advised to sleep on the side, not on their back. What you do is you put your baby on the side, and you roll up a towel and put it against her back to hold her from turning over on her back. The important thing is just to switch sides after each feed, to retain symmetrical shape of the skull. This is just something to think about. I hope you settle into motherhood soon. XO
I just wanted to add another comment of "you are not alone!" Don't feel bad about it. It's a major life change and so tough at times. As she gets bigger, things get easier and you grow into your new role.
ReplyDeleteI also had a tough time with breastfeeding, though for different reasons, and I actually ended up pumping exclusively. If you do decide to pump more, let me tell you, it gets much easier - I'm still pumping 11 months later and it doesn't hurt at all anymore (and hasn't for a while). Anyway, thank you for being honest with your feelings! I think it helps both you to process your own feelings and others who are feeling similarly.