I made the call...

So, I just made the call to my doctor. (like 45 seconds ago!)

I left a message saying that I was wanting to go ahead and make an appointment to talk about starting with our frozen embryo transfer.  

YIKES!  

I don't know why it seems so intimidating.  I was so nervous to leave a message for the nurses.  I mean it just brings back so many memories.  All bad/negative/depressing/sad.  Ugh.  It is so hard to go back to that place (that physical place).  But mainly I am worried about going back to that emotional place.  That is not a fun place to be in.  I was there for almost three years and in a REALLY bad spot for over a year (3 IVF's will do that).  I don't want to be that sad ever again.  I know it will probably be different because I have my miracle baby now but I won't know that until I go for it.  

The logistics of a FET or a full fresh IVF (please let the FET work) will be much harder this time, of course.  I really don't want to take Blakely there.  I am sure that there will be a time that I will have to but I am going to do everything in my power to not take her in there.  I remember being that girl in the waiting room and another girl there had her baby with her.  In a way, it gave me hope but mostly it made me want to run away and cry.  Those were not good days.  

When I was about 8 months pregnant my husband needed to get back on some medication that made his sperm count go way down (testosterone..see the our journey tab at the top for more info).  We decided to have some of his sperm frozen for future use in IVF's just in case when he got off of the meds his count didn't go back up.  We had to go to this same office three different times for him to give his sample.  

***sidenote that he might kill me for*** I am so proud of my husband for this.  He has had to do a semen analysis at least 15 times...all at the office.  He is a rockstar....he never complains to me about.  He just knows that it has to be done and he does it.  That has always made things so much easier on me...I never had to worry about him whining about this very inconvenient fact of infertility!***  I love you honey...don't be mad!  ;)

Anyway, I was 8 months pregnant.  I refused to go into that waiting room with him!  I mean, when I was struggling with IF I don't know what I would have done if a big ole pregnant belly walked up in that clinic!  He went in without me and when they called him back he told the nurse I was outside.  They snuck me in the back door!  A think a pregnant belly is harder on an infertile girl than a baby...at least it was for me.  

I am about 2% worried about the logistics of all of this.  I am 98% worried that I am going to go back to that unstable, crazy, depressed shadow of my normal self that I was for so long.  I don't want that.  I am scared of that.  I want to be a good mom to Blakely and I don't know that I can do that if I get that depressed again.  

So, yeah, I am worried.  But I am also excited.  Excited that we do have 2 frozen embryos.  Our last cycle was the only one where they were able to freeze any.  Excited to hopefully be pregnant again soon.  I miss it so much!  Excited to make my husband a daddy again.  He has been ready to have another baby for about 6 months!  

Here we go.  Scared, worried, excited, happy, sad...whatever emotional roller coaster I am in for, I am in...all in.  I have my little pea pod to come home to this time and that is more than I could have ever asked for.  I thought for a long tim that we might not ever get our happy ending but we did.  So whatever happens from here is just a bonus.