R-O-U-G-H

Just a small warning...totally honest post below.  I hope to not hurt anyone's feelings with this but this is how I am feeling right now and I just want to document it/get it off my chest.  Thanks for understanding.  


Ok so this having a newborn thing is rough.  Yes, I knew that it would be hard.  But I guess there are some unexpected things that have made it harder than I thought.  


For example, this 3rd degree tear that I have is some serious business.  I mean it frickin' hurts!  I am two weeks out and it is still very painful.  It is better than it was in the beginning but no where near back to normal.  It aches constantly and anytime I have to go to the bathroom I pretty much leave there in tears.  I guess I didn't know what to expect as far a recovery from a vaginal delivery.  Everyone talks about how hard the recovery is from a c-section that I guess I just thought that recovery from this would be a breeze.  Not pregnant anymore?  That so doesn't mean you will be able to move any faster or get comfortable any easier...at least for now.  All I want to do is let the warm water from the shower run over me...but there is not much time for that.  I talked to a friend of mine that had a pretty bad tear (only 2nd degree though) and she said it took her about 6-8 weeks to feel "normal" down there.  So I guess I have a long way to go.  They did send me home with pain pills and ibuprofen 800's.  I have been taking the ibuprofen but I only take the pain pills occasionally.  The main reason for this is that they make it even harder to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her.  I also don't want to take them all the time since I am breastfeeding.  They say it is ok but I just always worry about stuff like that.  


Also, my girl has started spitting up.  This is not fun at all.  Not because of the mess or anything like that but because of the worry.  Let me start from the beginning of the breastfeeding thing.  


For the first week it was easy!  She was a champion eater.  The first few days she would do about 20 minutes on each side.  She would latch on easily and just go to town.  My milk came in on the 4th day and she slowly started eating for a smaller amount of time.  I'm assuming because she was getting more.  A few days after that, when my milk started really flowing, is when we started having a few problems.  After a few minutes she would start choking and milk would be flowing out the sides of her mouth and she just couldn't keep up.  Apparently I have an "overactive letdown".  Basically this mean my boobies are like water hoses.  She nibbles for a few seconds and they both just start gushing!  It is pretty crazy.  We would both end up covered in milk.  I started just getting both of us naked to feed her...less laundry.  


This is when the spit up started happening.  I do not enjoy seeing my daughter gag and choke and throw up.  It is hard to watch.  I could hear it start to come up and then she would get this horrible look on her face and then out it would come.  Sometimes it would go back down only to come up a few minutes later.  She acted like she was in pain from this.  I started googling infant reflux.  HMMMMM....wanna know one of the causes?  Yeah, that would be eating too fast and swallowing too much air.  So I gave my daughter reflux.  How great am I?  


So I started looking for things to help fix my "overactive letdown".  I found that nipple shields are supposed to help with this.  Funny I just thought they were for sore nipples.  Anyhow, they gave me one in the hospital so I decided to try it.  She did really great with this.  I was pumped!  The problem with it is that it is one more thing I have to do to get her ready to eat.  See, I was changing her diaper after she ate because she would usually poop then.  But I started changing it before so I didn't have to lay her flat after she ate.  That made her for sure have the reflux and spit up was inevitable.  So when I would wake her up (or she would wake me up) I would change her diaper and then feed her.  By the time I got her to the boob she was PISSED and ready to eat.  If she woke me up then she was already pissed during the diaper change!  I am telling you...the second she wakes up she wants to be eating.


The point of this is then I added in the shield.  SOOOO this was my routine in the middle of the night.  Get up and put the shield in hot water to let it soak while I changed her diaper.  Grab the shield on the way back to bed.  Lay her in the bed while I get situated to feed her.  Cue her screaming.  Then I have to get the shield attached.  This requires me to put a little lanolin cream around its edges and then position it.  Then grab screaming baby and get her to the boob STAT.  It is not a fast process.  Then it would never fail....she would knock the dang thing off with her hand!  So I would have to lay her back down get situated again and put her back to the boob.  It usually took a good three times to get her latched.  Keep in mind that she is screaming the whole time...bless her heart...she just wants to eat!  


Breastfeeding went from something that I looked forward to to being something that I dreaded.  I hate seeing her scream....


Night before last after she knocked it off like three times I just took it off and didn't use it.  Once my milk started flowing too much for her I took her off and tried to let it flow because it eventually slows down.  This seemed to work pretty well.  I was pumped!  No more shield!  She didn't spit up for over 24 hours.  Excited mommy :)


Then there is today.  Two explosive spit ups with a very fussy baby after.  I can tell it is painful for her.  I can hear it come up in her throat and she gets this awful look on her face.  Then she gags or coughs.  Boo :(  So I guess we will be going back to the shield and see if that helps.  It is almost a two person job with that damn shield...UGH!


They say that babies grow into the fast letdown so that is good news.  I know that there are much worse problems to have while breastfeeding.  I am happy to have such a good supply and that she doesn't have any problems latching on.  I think I just got fooled in the beginning into thinking that this breastfeeding thing would be easy.  I will not give up though...i will not give up.  


Oh and don't even get me started on pumping....I hate that thing!  I am going to have to learn to like it but right now it just hurts and stresses me out.  


I guess I just feel like it is my fault that she is having the reflux/spitting up.  My husband says that is crazy but I can't help but feel that way.  I don't want her to have to get on medicine or anything.


The spitting up leads to all sorts of other things as well.  I have to keep her upright for a while after she eats.  Hard to do in the middle of the night...means less sleep for mommy.  It also means more stress for mommy.  I am scared to death to lay her flat on her back.....worried that she will spit up and aspirate it or something.  She sleeps in the little newborn napper in her pack n play.  I want to put her flat in the pack n play so she can get used to being flat for when we move her to her crib.  But I am scared so she sleeps in the napper at night.  


I feel like I am totally rambling now so I am sorry for that.  


I'm not sure the point of this post.  Just needed to get this out I guess.  Mommy is having a hard time.  It is just weird.  I mean all through the years of infertility I just wanted so bad to be pregnant, to experience pregnancy, to experience labor and delivery.  I mean I wanted a baby too but during that time I just mostly thought of the immediate future...getting pregnant.  Then when it finally happened it was hard for me to actually think that was going to mean a baby at the end.  I worried the whole time about something going wrong.  I literally worried about this to the VERY end.  I think I was just protecting my heart...just in case...because it had been broken so many times before.  


I guess I am just adjusting to having her here.  I don't think I ever really thought it would happen..even when I was in the hospital about to have her!  It just felt like I was in someone else's life...so surreal.  Well now it is sinking in...I have a daughter.  It just brings a flood of emotions and I swear I cry so much.  I just love her so much and want so much for her.  I want to do a good job for her!  


I am not depressed...I am just processing.  Processing all of these emotions and getting used to having this precious little miracle in my life.  I love her so much it makes me cry to even think about it.  


Sorry to be such a downer!  Let's end this post on a cute note! 


Blakely says GO HOGS!  Or she did before she fell asleep :)

Hospital stay, visitors, and coming home

First of all, I want to congratulate Bridget on her precious new baby girl!  I am beyond excited for her and her family!  That Emily is so cute!!!


And now a few more things that I want to remember...


Instead of leaving the hospital 24 hours after Blakely's birth, we decided to stay an extra night.  We were lucky to have this option.  I have had many friends tell me to do that if I could so I decided to take the advice.  I was still in pain and had not gotten up very much...only to pee a few times during the night.  I also thought it would be a good idea if I needed any help breastfeeding.


The day after her birth was a complete whirlwind!  The anesthesiologist came in early that morning to take my epidural out.  I don't think I mentioned this, but they left it in since my platelets were low.  They wanted to see if they would come back up by the next morning.  The risk of taking it out is that my blood wouldn't clot and I would get an epidural hematoma...not good.  The had come up a little bit the next morning but not much.  


Anywho, they took it out that morning.  We decided to keep Blakely in our room most of the day. We had a steady stream of visitors throughout the day.  I was very glad to see every one and very thankful that we have so many people that love us....but it was seriously exhausting! I have also become quite the germaphobe.  So I was pretty crazy about making people wash their hands and wear the gown if they wanted to hold her. I mean between talking to people, breastfeeding every 3 hours (for almost an hour!), and then trying to go to the bathroom (which took a good amount of time) it became a stressful situation for me.


Here are some pics of our visitors in the hospital and in the first few days home.  These are all family members :)

My niece and nephew, Syble and Collier

 my sister in law, Kristen

 my brother in law, Marshall (Lonnie's brother)

 my dad

my Grand...this is her first great grandbaby

 my awesome mommy!  I hope I can be as good of a mom as she is....

my brother Matt....might be the first baby he's ever held!

my mother in law

Jenni, my aunt

At about three that afternoon I just burst in to tears.  I was ready to be alone...well not alone, but alone with my little family.  I told Lonnie this and he agreed.  We decided to take visitors until 6 and then we were done.  This is about the time that it really hit me that I had a daughter.  I couldn't stop crying and I just wanted to hold her and kiss her.  I'm not sure if it was all the visitors that did this to me or if it was just a crazy rush of emotions.  I'm sure it was emotions...because they are for real.  People told me I would be emotional but I just had no idea!  

So we kept her in the room with us after that and just snuggled with her and talked to her.  It was wonderful!  We sent her to the nursery after the 1100 feeding so we could try to get a little sleep.  I was actually able to sleep in the hospital but I am sure it had something to do with the pain meds.  


The next morning we were ready to head home.  I had decided that I just wanted it to be Lonnie and I to take her home.  No visitors or anything.  I just really wanted it to be special for us as a family.  Well about an hour before we were going to leave I changed my mind!  I wanted my mommy!  I had taken about 3 different outfits to choose from and I wanted her help deciding which one she should wear.  I also wanted her to take pictures of us outside of our house once we got home.  So, of course, she rushed up there to help me.  She is the best :)


Right when we were about to leave it was time to feed her again.  And let me tell you, this girl goes from happily asleep to hungry pissed in about 30 seconds.  I decided to feed her before we left so she wouldn't be screaming the whole ride home and in the pictures.


Then we were on our way home!

Yeah, she didn't like changing clothes...she has gotten better at this though :)

It was so nice to be home and it was an absolutely gorgeous day!  After we got home and settled my husband went to the grocery store.  He came home with all of my favorite things.  Butter Pecan ice cream, coffee cake, macaroni and cheese and peas (this is my comfort food...I always want it when I am sick).  When I saw what he got I just cried.  It was so sweet for him to get all of the food that make me happy and comfort me.  He has been absolutely AMAZING through this whole thing.  I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I did before but I do.  More and more every day that I see him with our daughter.  

He was able to be off the first week home.  What incredible luck we had on that one!  It was his scheduled week off so it worked out perfectly.  It was a fantastic week and everything went so very smooth.  She ate well, she slept well, all was well!  

This second week has been MUCH harder.  More on that in my next post....  

A letter to my daughter...100th post

Dear Blakely Ann,

  I have tried to write this letter to you for weeks now.  I tried while I was still pregnant with you but just couldn't find the right words.  Since your birth 10 days ago I have tried at least three times to write it but I get too emotional and can't finish.  When I even think about how much you mean to your daddy and I, I break down.  

  I have dreamed about you and longed for you to come into my life for many years.  We had to wait for what seemed like a very long time to experience the miracle of pregnancy but looking back now it was all totally worth it.  I loved every moment of being pregnant with you.  I did not take a single second for granted.  From the first time I felt your little flutters to when I could feel big punches and kicks.  My favorite thing was feeling your hiccups.  You seemed to get them all the time and you still do!  

  When I first saw your sweet face I was just in awe.  I couldn't not believe you were actually here and I could kiss you.  You were looking at me like what just happened?  I snuggled you close so you wouldn't be scared.  While you were in my belly I talked to you every night and told you how proud I was of you and that I couldn't wait to kiss you all over, from you fingers to your toes, from your nose to your earlobes.  One of the first things I did when you first came out was to kiss your little nose and tell you how proud I was of you.  I do this every time I change your diaper now. 

  Me and daddy have a hard time putting you down.  We waited so long to hold you and now that is all we want to do.  I know we are probably spoiling you but I don't care.  You are only going to be this small for a short time.  We can just stare at you for hours, watching all the little faces you make.  You have the cutest dimple in your chin just like daddy.  You also have the cutest dimple on your right cheek that simply makes me melt.  When we have visitors and you have been held by someone else for a while, I start to miss you.  I get overwhelmed with emotions and just need to snuggle with you.  Just a little Blakely snuggle and mommy is all better.  

  I love our snuggle time while I am feeding you.  I never thought I would think this but breastfeeding is the sweetest, most adorable thing I have ever seen.  I am so glad that it is going well for us both.  I look forward to it, even in the middle of the night.  I know I won't get to do this forever so I am taking all these precious moments in.  

  Just like any mommy I worry about you constantly.  I only thought I worried while I was pregnant!  The first three nights you were home with us I slept in my glasses.  I didn't want to have to fumble around to put them on every time I woke up.  I wanted to just be able to open my eyes and see that you were ok.  As I type this, you are sleeping soundly right by my chair.  This is the first time we have swaddled you and I am worried about the blanket coming undone and covering your face.  I just want to protect you from every little thing.  

  Blakely, I did not know my heart could be so full.  I feel so lucky to have you as my daughter.  I promise to be the best mommy I can be to you and I will always be here for you no matter what.  You have so many people that love you so much but none more than mommy and daddy.  

  I keep thinking back to something daddy said to me a few years ago.  It was when we were still trying to get pregnant and we were both very discouraged.  He told me to be patient because when we finally did get pregnant it would be with the perfect baby...the one that we were supposed to have.  He was so right.  You were meant to be our daughter and you are perfect.  

I love you more than anything sweet girl,

Mommy

Oh and just because it is too cute...here is a picture of that dimple :)

And this is a family picture on her one week birthday exactly.  October 20, 2011 at 244pm.

Please excuse my puffy and red eyes.  I think I cried that entire day.  I told her that if I cry that much at all of her birthdays then I am in big trouble!

Blakely's Birth Story Part 2

I am going to pick up where I left off in this post.  Feel free to check it out!  This one might not be so interesting but I want to document every little detail while it is still fresh in my mind...this is basically my journal after all!


After Blakely was cleaned off and weighed she was given to Lonnie while they were finishing up with me.  Me and Lonnie just stared at her for the longest time.  I was just in shock.  I couldn't not believe that I had pushed her out of there!  I think, for some reason, deep down I didn't think I was going to be able to do it and I would have to have a C-section.  I don't know why I thought this.  I actually didn't even realize I thought this until I was holding her and I was so blown away!


Right after she was born and before I delivered the placenta, Dr. C harvested the cord blood.  We are privately storing it.  Then I delivered the placenta.  Once B came out it did feel like a huge relief but I still had some pain.  When the placenta came out it was like OMG THANK YOU!!  I felt so much better.  My epidural had worn off a lot so I could feel everything in my belly. After they deliver the placenta they push around on your belly for what seemed like forever!  This was so dang uncomfortable!  I was trying to focus on B but holy cow...that hurts!


Then Dr. C started stitching me up.  I could not feel that at all....it was like I was numb from my pubic bone down.  What did hurt was my hips from being in those dang stirrups for so long.  It took him a while to do my stitches.  He was in there longer for this than we was for her birth...I think!  And I feel like he was in there most of the time I was pushing.  I pushed for just over an hour by the way...not sure if I mentioned that in the last post.  


Once he was done they got me in a more comfortable position and gave her back to me.  They all left the room and Lonnie and I just stared at her...still in total shock!  I breastfed her for the first time and it went GREAT.  She did 25 minutes on each side..what?  I swear she came out rooting around and smacking her lips.  She has been a champ!  We took some pictures and after about an hour and a half Lonnie decided to go show some pics to our families that were all waiting outside and didn't even know if she was here yet.  I could hear everyone yell when he walked out and it was through multiple doors!  

When Lonnie came back it was time for her to go to the nursery to get checked out by the pediatrician.  They let him carry her so our families could at least see her for a second.  I know this was such a proud moment for him.  When he came back we decided that we would let a few visitors in at a time.  While I was in labor we did not have anyone in the room.  My mom and his mom came in for a little bit in the beginning but that was it.  Once I had the epidural it was just us.  I really worried over this decision because, of course, I wanted my mom in there with me.  I still always want my mommy when I am sick or hurt.  But I decided it was best for Lonnie and I to share this moment just between us and I am glad that I did because it was so very special.


I think I am going to do a whole separate post on all of our visitors.  We had a tone of them!


Right before we started letting people in they gave me some pain medication.  Oh my lovely is all I have to say about that.  Please keep in mind that this was at about 5 pm and I had last eaten the night before at 8 pm.  Also, I had not had a drop of alcohol or any sort of pain med since the beginning of the year so I am a total lightweight.  I was feeling good...


While B was in the nursery they were going to give her a bath but her temperature was too low.  They had to warm her up first.  Finally they called Lonnie in there because he wanted to video her first bath.  It was too sweet.  He came back and immediately showed it to me.  After the bath she had to warm up again.  


My sister-in-law went to get me some food.  She said she would get me whatever I wanted.  I, for some reason, chose turkey and dressing from Cracker Barrel.  It was heavenly.  I ate less than half of it because I started feeling really really bad.  I was very light headed and nauseated.  I think I was just completely worn out!  


Finally, around 730 they brought her to me so I could feed her again.  This little session went great as well.  I was so proud of her!  She knew exactly what to do because I sure didn't!  We snuggled and snuggled and snuggled :)


I was still in my labor and delivery room waiting for my epidural to wear completely off so I could move to the mother baby room.  It had worn completely off everywhere but my right foot! I could move it but I didn't think it would support my weight.  After I fed her the second time I thought I could finally move it....plus I really thought I might need to pee.  I had absolutely no urge to pee but it had been a while and I just knew my bladder had to be full.  They took her back to the nursery so I could get situated.  


They helped me get up and I am sure glad they did...I was very unsteady and lightheaded.  I peed and they got me all situated "down there".  Then they wheeled me to my room.  We actually just got moved to a bigger labor and delivery room because all the mother baby rooms were full.  I think there were a total of 8 babies born that day.  


Once we got in this room is was getting late.  They brought her in again at about 1030 and she breastfed like a champ again.  Lonnie and I were both totally spent at this point and could not wait to sleep.  


This first day, emotionally, was very weird for me.  I swear it felt like I was living some one else's life.  It just didn't seem real...like an out of body experience.  I don't know if it is because for a long time I thought I would never get this experience or if this is something all women, even non-IF'ers, go through.  People kept asking me how I felt and I really didn't know how to answer.  Good?  Shocked?  Happy?  Scared?  Sad?  Thankful?  I didn't know.  Now that I look back on it I have a ton of crazy emotions...like tears streaming down my face as I type this emotions.  


That day, October 13, 2011, was the greatest day of my life.  I got to meet my sweet miracle baby and she was healthy as can be.  I made my husband a daddy and he is a great one just like I knew he would be.  When she was in the nursery he checked on her constantly.  He just couldn't stay away from her.  He got to see her so much more in that first day than I did and it was all because he loves her so much.  I made my parents grandparents for the first time, something that was very important to me.  I could not be more thankful and grateful to have experienced that day.  I know I am such a lucky girl!  

changing his first diaper!  He says he would rather change her diaper than her clothes!

Good job Daddy!

OK I am going to stop there.  I have more posts in the works that I will get up hopefully soon.  But my next post is my 100th post!  How exciting!  I can't believe I am at 100 posts!  It will be a special once if I can ever get it written.  Every time I try I start crying so hard that I can't finish...hopefully in the next day or two but don't hold me to that  :)

Blakely's Birth Story

So here is Blakely's birth story!
Oh and by the way....I love her so much :)


I was unable to sleep the night before my induction, of course.  I slept from about 1am to about 230 am.  I was anxious but also uncomfortable.  I was having contractions.  I didn't really time them well since I knew I was about to be headed to the hospital anyway.  They were approximately 8 minutes apart, give or take.  I very well may have been in early labor but we will never know!  At about 4 am my husband and I started getting ready to go to the hospital.  I was starting to get a little nervous at this point just because I was ready to go.  

Before we left the house

Last belly pic

We arrived at the hospital at 530 am.  I got changed into my gown and peed.  The night nurse got me all hooked up, took my blood, and started my IV.  I have to make a note here that I have super awesome veins...like bulging all the time.  Be jealous.  Well this nurse went through my vein.  Yeah, that hurts.  So on the second try she got it.  I was very uncomfortable laying in the bed.  I was laying on my back, semi-reclined.  I kept trying to prop myself up on my side but then the monitor would  mess up.  I told my husband at this point that I totally understand why people want to give birth at home now...and I wasn't even having painful contractions.  After a few minutes I needed to go to the bathroom.  A little too much info here but I had been having issues going to the bathroom for like 3 days.  I think it was my body trying to clean itself out :) 


So at 610 they started the pitocin.  I was already having contractions 3 minutes apart before they even started it.  So I really think I was going to have her that day even if I wasn't induced.

Before things got intense :)

At this point my lab had come back and my platelets were low.  Platelets are what helps your blood to clot. So, yeah, you don't want them to be low when you are about to have a baby!  I believe they were 99,000.  I think normal level is above 155,000.  They were concerned about this because of my high blood pressure.  They were afraid I was developing HELPP syndrome.  You can read a little about that here but basically it is Hemolytic anemia, Elevated Liver enzymes, and Low platelet count.  So they decided to check my liver enzymes and recheck the platelets.  Liver enzymes were normal but platelets had dropped to 88,000...in about an hour!  This was all foreign to me but my husband seemed concerned.  If he's concerned about something medical then I KNOW I should be.  I didn't know this at the time but if your platelets are too low then you can't have an epidural because of the risk of bleeding.  Ummmm.....I think I might have had a panic attack if I had known that.  The only cure for this is delivery so it was all meant to be for her to be born that day.


Around this time it was shift change and the nurse that would labor me came in.  Her name was Susie and she was so wonderful.  I mean, seriously.  She made me feel like I was doing a good job the whole time and she really tried to make me as comfortable as possible.  I was much better after she came on.  


At 711 I was 2 cm dilated and they broke my water.  This was a weird feeling but it didn't hurt.  What did hurt is when they pressed on my belly to get more of the fluid out.  The contractions started coming pretty strong almost immediately.  They were not unbearable but I did have to concentrate on breathing though them.


Since we knew that I was going to get an epidural they decided to go ahead and get the catheter in.  That way when I was dilated more and ready for it they would just have to put the medicine in.  


The epidural was in at 755.  They give you what is called a loading dose to make sure it is in the right spot and will work.  Well when they gave me this I really only went "numb" from the knees down.  Usually you get results pretty quick with the loading does of lidocaine.  It took a long time for the dose to travel up to my abdomen.  I have to make a note here about my anesthesiologist.  She was absolutely amazing and I really don't think I could have done it without her.  She was so patient with me and stayed with us for a long time to make sure I was comfortable.  While we were waiting for the medicine to start working (travel up to make my belly "numb") my contractions started getting stronger and stronger.  My epidural was effective at 840.  I was quite thankful because I was getting worried that it just wasn't going to work.  I didn't realize this but epidurals are different for everyone.  I  just thought you get one and you go numb and that was that.  Not the case.  Again, my anesthesiologist was awesome.  She could have just gotten frustrated with me and said that was all that she could do.  But she didn't.  She worked with me until we were both satisfied.  I love her and I think I told her that!  They checked me again at 915 and I was 4 cm dilated.  


At 1030 I was 5 cm dilated and I was feeling some pain on my right lower abdomen.  It was fine but it kept getting worse and was not going away when a contraction would go away.  They put a foley in and my bladder had been very full...this made the pain subside.  


Also, even with the epidural I could feel the top of my uterus so I could feel when I was having a contraction.  It wasn't painful but I could feel it.  Sometime in here I started having pain under my left rib cage.  It wasn't terrible but it was making me uncomfortable so I wanted to lay on my left side.  With help from Lonnie and Susie we got me somewhat rolled over and I was much better.  


About 10 minutes after I rolled over I started having pretty bad pain with the contractions in my left lower abdomen around into my back.  Lonnie helped me roll back onto my back because I thought this would help.  This was about 1130.  I was very uncomfortable and no position seemed to help.  They told me that they could give me more lidocaine in my epidural but that I could only have a certain amount and if I used it then I might not have it for when I was fully dilated and ready to push.  Apparently the lidocaine worked better on me than the other medicine they put in the epidural..I can't remember the name of it...I really feel like it didn't work on me at all but maybe it did a little..I will never know.  But there is only so much lidocaine you can have.  I decided to not get it just yet.  So from like 1040 to 1150 I was in a lot of pain.  I was trying to be really strong and just deal with the pain.  I really wanted to wait to get the lidocaine towards the end.   

 After things got intense :)

At 1135 they checked me and I was 9 cm dilated.  I told Susie when she came in to check me that if I was still only 5 cm I was going to cry.  She told me I was still only 5 and I was shocked!  She said just kidding!  YOU ARE A 9!!  WOO HOO!  I was pretty pumped about this and surprised.  I went from a 5 to a 9 in an hour...OUCH...


I decided to get the lidocaine in my epidural at this point since we would be pushing soon.  


At 1150 the lidocaine was in and I was pretty numb.  It was hard to explain.  I had been able to move my legs before but I couldn't feel anything when they touched me "down there".  After this bolus of lidocaine I couldn't move my legs at all.  I was very numb.  I could still feel the pain on my left side but it was much better now.  


At 1230 Dr. C came in and checked me and I was at a 10 and ready to push.  I was so numb that I didn't think I was going to be able to push.  I was really worried that I wasn't going to be able to push.  I remember telling Lonnie this multiple times.  We tried to do a little pushing at this point but it wasn't effective.  He decided to wait 30 minutes for it to wear off and he cut my epidural in half.  I was very stressed during this 30 minutes because I was scared I wasn't going to be able to push and I would have to have a C-section.  


At 100 we tried to push again and I did it a little better but still not very effective.  They decided since Blakely was doing so well to wait 30 more minutes and try again.  At this point the pain in my left side was really starting to hurt.  Like a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale.  


At 130 we started pushing for real.  It is the weirdest sensation.  I could tell when a contraction was coming on but it took me a while to figure out how to push.  My husband and Susie were the only ones in the room and they both made me feel so good.  They kept telling me what a good job I was doing and to keep it up and she would be here in no time.  I had no idea if I was making progress or not.  For some reason, during that time, I didn't believe them.  I remember thinking if I was doing so well then Dr. C would be in there ready for delivery.  I started to get really nauseous at some point and dry heaving in a bucket.  I really think the thing that kept me going besides meeting my girl was the excitement in my husbands voice.  The way he sounded when he was coaching me really made me feel loved.  


At some point Dr. C came in and they told me that I was really close.  I still didn't really believe them for some reason.  Then after a little bit they called the nursery nurse in to the room.  All signs pointed to the fact that I was about to have this baby!  


I had my eyes closed this entire time.  Like for the last three hours probably.  I would open them occasionally but for the most part I was trying to concentrate because I was in so much pain.  My left side was hurting so bad with the contractions.  At some point, a little before Dr. C came in, I figured out my own little way to push really hard.  I was having such severe pain on my left side but when I was pushing as hard as I could the pain would be much better.  So that is when things started moving right along.


Right before B was born and in between contractions the nurse asked my husband how to spell Blakely's name for the card that goes in her crib.  He said B-L-A-K-E-L-E-Y!!  I was like NOOO!!!  He was like oh no!  I mean B-L-A-K-E-L-E-Y.  I yelled no again and reached up, with my eyes closed, and swatted at him.  He knew exactly how to spell it because he is the one that decided to spell it that way.  He was just so nervous and excited that it was coming out wrong.  It was really cute and everyone got a major kick out of that.  It was a blur to me :)


Back to the story.  All of this was pretty blurry but I remember the excitement in my husbands voice on one of the pushes telling me that she was almost here and then the nursery nurse laid a blanket on my belly.  This is when I started believing them that she was actually about to be born.  I couldn't believe it.  I was determined to get her out for my husband...he just sounded so excited!  I pushed really hard and then they told me to stop pushing and just breathe.  I knew this meant her head was out but I still had my eyes closed.  Then one more big push and at 244 she was here!!!  I still had my eyes closed and they had to tell me to open them.  And there she was!  They laid her on my belly and I literally could not believe that I was looking at my daughter.  She looked up at me with these ginormous eyes and a look like what in the world just happened!  We both held her and cried while they were wiping her off.  They left her on my belly for about 3 minutes or so and then they took her to the warmer which was right beside my bed.  They cleaned her up while I was delivering the placenta (what a relief that was) and then they weighed her.  I always thought she would be about 8 1/2 pounds but no one believed me.  She weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long.  They wrapped her up and gave her to me.  


Me and my husband just stared at her for the longest time...and cried.  Dr. C was sewing me up this whole time.  This seemed to take forever and I was worried about what happened but I was too scared to ask.  I was still feeling really nauseated so I just didn't want to think about it. I was focused on my little princess!  


My husband did video the birth and I am so so so so grateful that he did.  It was from my perspective though so no strait on money shots :)  I was in a lot of pain and just focused on getting through that.  I had to close my eyes to do that.  I was also so very nauseated that I didn't want to look...I just wanted to get her out.  Now I can watch it and be totally amazed.  I have watched it about 5 times and cried every single time...I highly recommend recording your birth.  


Also, there is no way I would have remembered all the details of this such as the times and how dilated I was, etc.  I had my husband write down all of the significant things that happened with the times.  I am so glad I did because my sense of time was so jumbled up!  I really recommend doing this as well.  


All in all I had a great experience.  Of course it was very painful at some points and I can't imagine doing it without any pain relief!  My husband was the BEST coach, I had the BEST nurse for me, the anesthesiologist was absolutely fantastic, and of course Dr. C was great too!    I really want to do something for all of these people but I can't really think of anything.  If y'all have any ideas please share!  


Ok I think I am going to stop here because this is really long.  I have so much more to say but I'll do it in other posts.  I want to tell y'all about all the things that happened right after she was born...placenta delivery, stitching me up, Lonnie telling our families, pain relief, and getting up for the first time.  So much to say!  But for now I will leave you with some picture of my sweet girl.


Oh and if you made it through this whole thing you are awesome!  

Our princess is here!!!!!

Our beautiful miracle baby girl has arrived!  She was born October 13th at 2:44 in the afternoon.  She is wonderfully perfect in every way and we could not be more in love with her.  It is impossible to stop staring at her.  There is so much that I want to blog about...birth story, breastfeeding, my emotions (WHOA!), my unbelievable husband, and more!  But, we just got home from the hospital and we are going to hibernate for a day or two.  I am so happy to be spending this time with my little family.  


Here are a few bullet points to give you an idea and so I will remember to blog about these things!

• vaginal delivery
• epidural (but complicated)
• doctors and nurses during delivery (couldn't have asked for anything better)
• breastfeeding is going great (my girl is a champ!)
• visitors
• pain and pain relief after delivery (yes, I have a tear...3rd degree with extension?  I didn't even ask what exactly that means because I don't want to know)
• emotions in the beginning (out of body experience)
• emotions 24 hours after (I cry more than Blakely)
• my husband is awesome, which I knew, but this is on a whole new level
• coming home

And here is the part that you all want to see!  

Blakely Ann 

8 pounds 7 ounces

20 inches long

I love you all and thank you so much for the well wishes on my post Wednesday.  My dreams have come true...I love her so much.  More updates with details in the coming days.  Oh and I am very close to my 100th post!  It will for sure be a special one :)