Everything to do with infertility is so hard. Why can’t something just be easy....just for flippin’ once?!?!? The clinic called me this morning to let me know how our embryos were. Here are the results
2-2 cell good quality
1-3 cell good quality
1-4 cell good quality
1-4 cell excellent quality
and the other one had not divided
48 hours after retrieval the embryos should be 4 cells...but they can sometimes lag a little behind. So, this is not the best report.
The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to do a Day 3 transfer (which I expected) and he recommend transferring 2 or 3 embryos...whatever we wanted. Well, this was not what I expected. I mean I just figured they would tell me that we would transfer two. I never thought about having to make a decision. I don’t want to decide! How am I supposed do decide such a thing? I mean there are so many questions. I told her that I would have to call her back after I talked to my husband. So, we talked. He was at work and very busy so it was hard to talk about it. Our main concern, OF COURSE, was getting pregnant with triplets. I just felt like I didn’t have all the information I needed to make a decision. I mean if we have all 4 cell excellent embryos then I don’t think he would even be recommending 3 at all.
So, I called the clinic and asked if the doctor could call me back because I was having a hard time deciding and I had some questions. These were my questions...
Why would we transfer 3?
Was it because we transferred 2 excellent last time and it didn’t work?
What is my chance of triplets?
Do my chances of a single pregnancy go up by adding a third?
Why are they not dividing like they are supposed to?
Is it because of the thickened covering around my egg?
I cried like all freaking afternoon. I know that I am emotional but I just couldn’t help it. Like sobbing....UGH!! I would make a decision and then not feel good about it. Then I would change my mind and feel good about it for a while and then start crying again. So frustrating....is there a right decision? I don’t think so.
So he called me back later in the afternoon. He basically said that the embryos were not dividing like they should and probably only three of them would be viable, two of them being the correct number of cells. That is one reason why he was willing to transfer three. Also, since last time we transferred 2 excellent and it didn’t work, he was willing to transfer three. He said our chance of getting pregnant with triplets with the embryos that we had, and if they continue to divide like they are, was 5-8%. He said that our chance of a single pregnancy goes up by a lot more than that. He said he would do whatever we wanted to do he just wanted to give me the facts. He said a whole lot of other stuff and gave me some examples, etc.
So, after a lot of consideration/crying/thinking/stressing, we decided that we are going to transfer 3. I feel good about it after talking to him. We also decided that if for some reason tomorrow they are all 10-cell excellent then we will only transfer two.
This was a really hard decision for us to come to. I was upset all day about it. I really hope that the people who read this don’t judge me. I just never thought I would have to make this decision. I just figured they would tell me what to do (I realize this may have been naive). Or I never thought it would be this hard. I know the worst thing in the world is not triplets. It just scares me. Scares me like crazy. The goal of these fertility treatments is not to have multiples like some fertile people may think!
The thing that gets me through tough times like these is knowing that I have my husband right here beside me. I know that we can make it through whatever life throws at us. This comforts me...
So there you have it. Tomorrow we are transferring 3 beautiful embryos. I am excited and nervous at the same time! EEK!!!
Again, I really hope people don’t judge me....
This is my blog and when I started it I told myself that I was going to be honest. So I am. I want to document my life and all these emotions go with that. No one can understand this unless they have been through it themselves. I know many of you can relate to this. But I also know that there might be others who read this that might not understand. So there is my disclaimer :)
I promise I’ll have a happier post soon!!!
I don't think anyone would judge you. I still haven't been down IVF road, and I hope I don't, but still, infertility has taught me that there is nothing insignificant or small, and that even the tiniest decision is hard. I've also learned to expect myself to be irrational, or at least to seem that way to others.
ReplyDeleteHere though, in this community, I think support and understanding go without saying. We all know how emotional this ride is, and especially if you're receiving hormones - which you are.
And, I don't think that you're overreacting while stressing about whether they're transferring 2 or 3 embryos. There is a HUGE difference between those two numbers.
In any case, good luck, and keep us posted.