While nursing my *almost* one year old daughter Thursday night, I broke down. I cried and then I cried some more. I really haven't cried like that since she was born. Ugly cry. Let me explain.
We are full on weaning. I have just been nursing once in the morning and once at night for about a week. I was planning on dropping the night nursing this weekend. So that night was going to be the last night I nursed her before bed. I was just staring at her and she was all snuggled up to me. She looked so comfortable and relaxed as her eyes kept closing and then fluttering open to look at me. Why am I taking this away from her? Why am I taking this away from myself? Don't get me wrong, I was ready to be done. I AM ready to be done. But last night I realized that I was just ready to be done during the day. I could definitely continue nursing only morning and night for a while. I think that I want to do that.
Oh, but wait. One of the reasons I am weaning her is because we are ready to start gearing up for our frozen embryo transfer. Still breastfeeding=no baby #2. This just pisses me off. It is so unfair that I have to even make this decision. If we had gotten pregnant easily this wouldn't even be an issue. I would wean her whenever I felt like it and it would be no big deal. I feel all of this pressure...like the boobs have to be turned off by our appointment at the end of October. Like I need to hurry up and get my period. Like I should've stopped drinking caffeine a month ago (shoot me). Again, this is so unfair. Welcome to my pity party.
I think it is all just coming at me so fast. She is turning 1 in a week...A WEEK! Weaning has been going well but last night made me rethink the whole thing.
When I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I worried so much about it, more than labor actually. I am so lucky that it has gone so well for me. I have loved being able to have that bond with Blakely. I don't think I am ready to give it up yet.
And it isn't all about me. I don't want to nurse her forever obviously. I just want it to happen organically. Not this crazy rushed process. She has done well with it so far and it hasn't been a big deal. I want that to happen with these last two feedings also. She isn't ready to give those up yet. Soon, but not this weekend.
Lonnie understands my feelings. But he also thinks it is going to be hard for me to stop nursing no matter when I do it. I know he is right. Ugh....this is so much harder than I thought!
Obviously I am a crazy emotional crazy person because now I am crying again. I am certain that I am about to start the mother of all postpartum periods. I'm pretty sure this post just proves that...
Oh honey :( like I told you yesterday, I'm so sorry! Weaning is hard and emotional no matter when you do it I think. Just try to think about how excited you all are about trying for baby #2, maybe that will help? xoxo
ReplyDeleteI completely understand and am so worried about the same thing myself... I have a few months left but I know they will just fly by. My plan was/is like you, to wean Alidia at around the 1 year mark but when I think about it I get so sad and wish I could do the same as you are talking about and keep just the morning and bed time nursing until she definitely wants to stop herself... but then that most likely means no baby #2... unless we're really lucky. I know Lonny is right that it will be hard anytime but I agree with you in that it would be easier (maybe? a little? I am sure!) if it was her choosing to wean instead of feeling like you are making her wean. Ugg it is really really hard and something I am so dreading myself so I don't have any fantastic advice or tips on how to make it feel easier. If you come up with any, let me know! Like Bridget said, maybe focus on the excitement of trying for #2? And know that even if not nursing, you are still going to have lots of special bonding time with B in other ways and she is still going to need you to help her go to bed at night, even if it is just hugs and kisses. No matter what, you have done an amazing job nursing her this long and she has already benefited from it so much so whatever you do, it will be okay. But I know it must be so tough right now. *Big hugs*
ReplyDeleteI seriously teared up reading this. I'm so sorry you are struggling and honestly I am so jealous of you that you were able to have this incredible bonding process with Blakely. I don't have much advice except to say that yes, this does suck that our bodies don't work right, and it's totally unfair that you have to wean to try to get pregnant again. If you want to continue nursing a couple times during the day, I say do it. You do whatever is best for you and B. Try focusing on the fact that you did breastfeed a year (incredible and not many women are able to do this) and that in 10 months time (fingers crossed) you will be able to start breastfeeding again with a beautiful newborn. I'm thinking of you and am here if you need to talk about it more. Can't wait til Monday! :-)
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain because I am {kinda} in the same boat. I know we will have to stop nursing sooner rather than later and I will prob never have another baby to nurse. It is so hard! I assume they dr will not let you do the transfer if you are nursing? My mother nursed my sister while preg for me 2x daily for a few months. Maybe they don't think that's a good idea anymore. I am not really sure. If it were not for baby #2 I would suggest you let B wean herself. That is what we will do and what we did with Savannah. It doesn't make the stopping any easier. I remember feeling heartbroken when she was done. I don;t even want to think about Shane stopping.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate the feeling of our decisions being dictated by this path we didn't choose. Remember that waiting another month or two will be okay for the FET if that is the route you want to go, and try not to be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it is so tough on you! I know I keep having the same thoughts. We were thinking of trying for #2 with an FET cycle next summer and I know age-wise (for me) that is best, but I hate have to make my little one give up her place as the baby sooner than she needs to. And don't get me wrong, I HATE pumping at work and at work I am ready to give it up, but then I come home and I think, maybe another year until the FET won't hurt anything. I don't know what to tell you I just wish it would happen naturally for all of us.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
I'm sorry this is such a hard, emotional time for you. I can see how it would be. I'm going to ask a very stupid question here, why can't you continue to breastfeed and still move forward with your FET? Is it meds, or lack of period, etc? I like Courtney's comment above and hope that the lack of nursing will bring other bonding time to you and Blakely.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, that does suck. You wouldn't have to worry about this at all if it was easier to get pregnant, just one more thing that makes IF suck.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I think it is going to be hard on you either way, but maybe her turning 1 AND weaning is just too much for the moment. Do what is right for B and you. You should feel great about how well you have done with Breastfeeding, don't let the weaning part take away from your greatness@
Booo. I'm sorry you have to stop breastfeeding before you feel ready. That really is hard. I'm sure you and Blakely will figure it out and you will find new ways to snuggle, but it still sucks that you can't do this the way you want to.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry!!! I don't have any answers or advice, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'm sure whatever you choose will be right.
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