It didn't work

So I have been keeping a little secret from pretty much everyone in my life.  We went ahead with our FET.  It didn't work....

We had the transfer last Tuesday and I got the negative beta results yesterday.  

We didn't tell anyone except a few people that had to know to help us with Blakely.  I didn't even tell my mom and I tell her everything.  I just had these visions of surprising her on Christmas morning.  I really wanted that.  Stupid.  Now she is going to find out by reading this post because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell her.  I wanted to keep it private because I wanted to be normal.  Normal=fertile.  Fertile people get to keep their little beans a secret until they WANT to tell the world.  We, on the other hand, have to tell all kinds of people about my vagina and my husband's balls just to get through the process of attempting to get pregnant.  No I won't be at the Christmas party tomorrow night because I will be recovering from having a needle poked through my vagina 25 times.  Oh I 'm sorry we can't have dinner with you because Kelly will be laying flat on her back to help our embryos stick to her uterus.  Yes, I need off of work so I can drive an hour away, drop my "sample" into a cup, and then take care of my wife who just had her eggs sucked out of her ovaries with a needle.  Sucks.  

I actually got fooled.  I let all of those little symptoms trick me.  I feel dumb for that.  With my IVF's I never let those symptoms trick me.  I was hyper aware that all of those meds mimic pregnancy symptoms.  I never let myself think that it worked.  Well this time I let my mind wander.  Sore nipples?  I had that with B!  Super thirsty?  I had that with B!  Ugh....  I read back to my IVF that was negative and I had those same symptoms.  I am so dumb.  

I just wanted it to be easy this time.  I feel like we fucking deserve that.  We have just been through so much, ya know?  Couldn't it just be easy this time?  

No, it isn't going to be easy.  That much is clear.  We transferred one absolutely perfect embryo.  The other one didn't survive the thawing process.  The day after the transfer is when I got sick.  I knew that the chances of getting pregnant were lower than with fresh IVF.  I also knew once I got that virus that the chances were even lower.  But I still hoped.  I still really really hoped.  I let myself think that it worked.  I thought about how we would tell people.  I thought about having babies almost exactly 2 years apart.  I thought about being pregnant in the summer again.  I though about Blakely being a big sister.  

I am mad at myself for doing that.  I know better than that.  It just hurts more because I let myself think those things.  I should have protected my heart better.  I will remember next time.  

Now if we want to expand our family we have to do IVF for the fourth time.  I don't want to have that desperate feeling that comes with IVF.  It always feels like everything depends on the smallest little details.  I hate that feeling....the feeling of no control.  So many things flood my mind when I think about going through all of that again.  But mostly, how am I going to do this with a toddler?  And a husband that can't miss work? Lonnie can't just take a day off.  If he is supposed to be at work then he has to be there.  He has scheduled cases and there isn't someone that can just do it for him.  He hasn't "called in sick" since I have known him...7 1/2 years.  He does have scheduled vacations but you can't "schedule" IVF around that.  You schedule your life around IVF.  Are we ready to do that?  I just don't know.

I haven't cried...yet.  Although I have come close by writing this post.  I don't want to be sad.  I want to be happy Kelly.  I feel like I had finally gotten that part of me back.