Reflecting and Moving Forward

I am still pretty sad about this failed IVF cycle.  I am trying to move forward but I think I do need to grieve a little bit.  I thought if I wrote down all of my feelings that would help.  

The main thing that hurts my heart is that I don't know if we are going to be able to expand our family like we so desperately want to do.  I guess I feel like if we try again that will be our last time and that scares the crap out of me.  I really wanted this one to work so we wouldn't have to face that last try.  There is just so much pressure knowing that could be our last attempt.  There is already so much pressure during IVF to begin with, I am not sure I could handle it.  I mean you saw how emotional I was through this whole process.  Could you imagine adding to that?

I am also sad that this didn't work for reasons surrounding Blakely.  I weaned her at 12 1/2 months.  One of the main reasons I weaned her was so we could try for a second child.  Well here we are 6 months later (2 frozen embryos transferred in December and 2 fresh embryos this time) and not pregnant.  Now I am not saying that I would still be nursing her.  I don't know.  But I did feel pressure to hurry up and get her weaned so we could move forward.  The pressure came from myself, of course.  I guess I feel like it could have been a slower process.  

Also, the thought of never nursing another baby pretty much breaks my heart.  Into a million pieces.  I knew when I was pregnant with Blakely and throughout her entire life that I may not ever get to do this again.  I did, and continue to, soak up every second and enjoy every little thing.  I want to do it again.  I want to do it again so very badly.  

The IVF process is hard on my marriage.  It doesn't put my marriage in jeopardy or anything like that, but it is just a really hard thing for Lonnie and I to have to go through.  Not only the logistics of it (easier for me than him) but the emotional crazy person that I become when pumped full of hormones is hard on me AND him.  I just want us to move on from this phase in our lives.  We have had this huge burden with us for so long.  I want us to not have to worry about infertility anymore.  I am sure we will replace that worry with something else and that is just fine.  I am tired of this specific worry.  

When we were trying to get pregnant for the first time I went through some really tough times.  I was depressed.  I withdrew from my friends.  I did not want to go out and socialize ever.  Mostly because when you are meeting people the first thing they ask you is "Do you have any kids?"  Then everyone who has kids has a ton to talk about and I ended up feeling left out.  I avoided those situations at all costs.  My main concern when we decided to try for baby #2 was getting back into that funk.  I was very scared of that.  I have to say that when our FET failed in December I was ok.  I was sad for a minute but I was ok.  I knew we could do another IVF...we had another option.  Now that this option has failed I am feeling myself being pulled back into that dark place.  I can recognize that in myself and do something about it.  

So, moving forward, I am going to focus on what I do have.  I realize even more than I did before what a miracle Blakely is.  We are so lucky to have her in our lives and she is beyond amazing.  She is loving, smart, funny, and beautiful!  How incredible that she is our daughter.  I know there are some that struggle with infertility and never get their miracle.  We got ours and I am so grateful for that.  I am also grateful that I found such a wonderful man to marry me.  He works so hard to provide a great life for our little family.  I could not ask for anything more.  I am moved to tears almost every night when I (secretly) listen/watch over the monitor while he is putting her to bed.  He sings, she giggles, he reads, she cuddles, he talks, she talks.  They have such a wonderful relationship already.   

I want to thank you for your kind words over the past few days.  You guys are amazing and I don't know what I would do without your support.  I promise...no more sad posts from me!  I am moving on and getting happy!