up and down... back and forth...

The title of this post basically explains me right now.  

My pregnancy test is this Sunday.  As in 2 days from now.  And I am literally driving myself crazy.  

One minute I have completely convinced myself that I am pregnant.  Five minutes later I have convinced myself that there is no way I am pregnant.  Back and forth all day long.  

When I was still in Denver I was feeling pretty hopeful that this whole frozen transfer worked.  I was able to really lay down and stay down for a few days.  It was much easier to be on bed rest there than here.  I mean it wasn't as comfortable as my own home but I didn't have the distractions that I would have had here.  But boy did I miss my peeps.  I had a little bit of cramping a few days after the transfer but nothing too crazy.  I am so in tune with my body and over analyze ever single little twinge otherwise I probably wouldn't have even felt it.

Now that I am home I am feeling much more negative than positive.  I still have my  moments where I hope that it worked but overall I just feel like it didn't.  I have had some more cramping since I have been home and I don't know if that is good or bad but I feel like it is bad. I hope I am wrong.  Part of me thinks this is my way of protecting myself.  Preparing myself.  I have gotten the call more than once that crushed me.  I really hope that doesn't happen this time.  But if it does, I will be okay.  It will take me a while but I will be.   

I should probably look back at my posts during this time with Blakely's cycle but I am scared.  I am sure it is something similar to this post.  Not knowing...going crazy.  I remember with my 4th IVF (the first one after giving birth to Blakely) I was convinced I was pregnant.  I really truly thought I was.  It was rough to learn that I was not.  

I have cried multiple times, due to both things.  Cried thinking about getting that call telling me I am pregnant.  I remember that phone call with Blakely's pregnancy like it was yesterday.  Day dreamed about when and how we will tell Blakely she is going to be a big sister.  Thought about what we will do with her room and how we will rearrange the house.  I have cried thinking about getting that phone call telling me I am not pregnant and that it is all over (has happened more than once).  Just a lot of crying and wishing and hoping and ready to know the result of this.  

I am glad my test is on a Sunday so Lonnie can be home with me.  I will probably make him answer the phone because I am going to be so freaking nervous.  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I go early in the morning for labs and then come home and wait.  My clinic here in Arkansas will fax the results to CCRM and then a nurse from CCRM will call me and let me know.  It's all very dramatic.  

I hope I get a good result but I am very nervous.  I will definitely update this space as well as my instagram @mile_high_mama  when I find out.  Here's hoping...