all about the boobs

Since my time breastfeeding Blakely has come to an end, I thought I would do a little reflecting on the whole thing.  I'm not sure where this post is going.  It is going to just kind of be me blabbering on about my boobs and emotions.  I want to document, in one post, my nursing adventure.  I also want to get this out so I can feel some closure to this chapter in mine and Blakely's life.  

When I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to breastfeed my baby.  If we had gotten pregnant easily I'm not sure if my drive to succeed in this would have been as strong.  It is hard to say because the fact of the matter is that I had 3 infertile years (still infertile but sort of on the other side) to think about it.  I worked with a number of girls who nursed the entire first year.  Seeing them do it and work gave me motivation that I could definitely do it.  

Nursing was one of the main things that I was worried about while pregnant.  Even more than labor.  The baby had to come out one way or another.  It might hurt, yes, but the baby will come out no matter what I do.  Breastfeeding was totally different.  I could mess that one up.  When I started to think about it, I knew NOTHING about nursing.  How often?  How much?  Just HOW?!  I needed to be educated.  I had never actually seen a baby nurse.  

So I read a ton of books about boobs.  I read books that recommended scheduled feedings.  I read books that said scheduled feedings were mean and to feed the baby on demand.  I read books that said you should never pump in the beginning.  I read books that said you should pump to help your milk supply.  Needless to say, the books made me even more confused.  They also solidified the fact that I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

I took a breastfeeding class.  Yes, I made Lonnie go with me.  He knew about as much as me and I needed him to be able to help me when Blakely was born.  Therefore, he must get educated also.  What I learned in that class was...a whole lot of nothing.  It was all stuff that I had read in the books.  How to get the baby to latch, different nursing positions, how to help with pain, etc.  BUT, what I did learn in the class was that I knew as much as someone who had never nursed a newborn before could possibly know.  Breastfeeding isn't something you can "practice" before your child is born.  You just learn as much as you can and then you get completely thrown into it and there is a little life that depends on you...totally cray.  It is like on the job training...but again, with a little tiny tot depending on you.  

Now, I was lucky in the fact that Blakely seemed to really be hungry when she was first born. I nursed her about an hour after delivery and she didn't want to let go.  I think it was about 25 minutes per side.  I remember crying the first time.  Not because of the pain but because I was actually in that moment.  Nursing my daughter shortly after I birthed her.  I tear up now just thinking about it.  

Those first few weeks were pretty tough and I wrote about that here.  I knew that committing to breastfeeding meant that I would get very little sleep.  But I was oh so determined to do it.  I didn't know how long I would nurse my child but I was going to make it until we at least had good routine down and my milky supply was stable.  When my milk came in Blakely started spitting up.  I had a really hard time those few weeks.  My boobs constantly felt like they were going to explode, my lady bits ached and throbbed all the time (I was NOT prepared for the recovery), I cried at the drop of a hat, and my sweet baby spit up all the time.  It was a bit rough.  

A small turning point came at about week 3-4 when we moved B to her crib and out of the pack.n.pl.ay in our room.  I slept in a bed in her room and we could nurse in the glider instead of the bed.  Multiple reasons why this was amazing.  I got better sleep.  Nursing was more comfortable for both of us.  She slept better in her crib because we could prop it up so she didn't spit up as much.  Lonnie got good sleep upstairs so he could let me nap during the day.  WIN.  

We did that set up for about 8 weeks.  I loved that time.  Sometimes I wish I could sleep in her room just to feel like we were back in those early days.  She would start squeaking or grunting.  I would pull myself out of the bed to change her diaper.  She would inevitably poop immediately.   I would change her again and then she would nurse.  I would hold her upright for about 10 minutes after and then put her back down.  Then I would crawl right back into the warm bed and drift back to sleep.  Only to do it again in 2 hours.  Oh how I loved that time.  

I have a small confession to make here.  I have always had very small boobs.  Like seriously.  Anyway, I worried that their itty bitti-ness would mean that I wouldn't produce enough milk to feed my baby.  So I pumped.  And pumped some more.  I also pumped because I wasn't sure when we were going to want to try for another baby.  I was definitely NOT ready to even think about that but I had thought about it before B's birth and I knew I wanted to store up as much breast milk as possible.  I was also planning on going back to work so I needed to be storing milk for that as well.  For a long time Blakely would only nurse from one side.  So I would pump the other one when she was finished.  I did this after every single feeding, even in the middle of the night, for about the first 2 months.  I had the pump right by my bed and sometimes I would almost fall asleep doing it!  Once she started sleeping through the night at a little over 2 months (I know, don't hate me) I moved out of her room and I didn't pump as much.  At that time I was pumping in the morning, at night before I went to bed, and sometimes once during the day if I felt full.  Do I think I went overboard with the amount of pumping that I did?  Yes.  Do I think it helped me to succeed?  Absolutely.  Will I do as much pumping next time?  Probably not.  Mainly because I know I will be staying at home, I know my boobs can produce enough milk, and I don't think we will be in a rush to get pregnant again.  

From about 3 months old to about 6 months old breastfeeding rocked.  It was easy.  We had a great routine down and we both enjoyed it.  Once she started crawling, it got hard.  She was so squirmy and busy.  It was hard to get her to pay attention.  I wrote this post about those difficulties.  

Around 7-8 months I got tired of nursing in a way.  She was still wanting to eat 6-7 times a day.  Our entire days revolved around her feedings.  I would have to nurse her in public places just to be able to get out of the house and go shopping for a few hours.  I couldn't leave her for more than 2 hours because she would need to eat.  If she had a bottle then I would still have to pump.  We were also introducing solids at this time so we had to be home for that too.  It was exhausting really.  I was over it.

Month 9 was a turning point.  She started nursing less and eating more real food.  We got a better daily schedule down that didn't include 7 nursing sessions.  We were able to leave the house and eat real food at an actual restaurant!  At this point she was nursing 4 times a day.  I went back to loving it and thinking that maybe I could make it to a year.  

I began the weaning process around 10.5 months.  That is when I first gave her whole milk.  I cut down to 3 feedings per day and one sippy cup of whole milk.  Then at 11 months I went down to just morning and night nursings.  This is when the emotions hit me and I wondered if I was really ready to fully wean...I wrote about that here.  Looking back I think there were just multiple things at once that made me so emotional.  She was about to turn one, she started walking, AND we were weaning.  Too many big things for Mommy at once.  I kept those 2 feedings for a while.  

She had her last bed time nursing on her birthday.  I didn't cry...I knew it was the right thing, for her and for me.  Blakely nursed for the last time on October 26.  That was a Friday and she nursed in the morning.  I knew it was going to be the last time...I didn't cry then either.  It felt right.  We were headed to our consultation for our frozen embryo transfer later that afternoon so everything seemed to fall right into place.  That was how it was supposed to be and that is all I really wanted.  I wanted it to feel like the right time.  I didn't want to feel rushed or like I was doing it for the wrong reasons.  It happened organically just like I wanted.  

Now, for the physical stuff.  I have heard many horror stories about how hard and painful weaning is.  Well I am here to tell you that it is not that way for everyone.  Weaning has been EASY for me (physically....).  I did it gradually, more gradual than I really even needed to, and I think that was the key.  Blakely has been weaned for about 9 days.  The girls haven't stopped producing yet and I'm not sure when they are going to catch on  I haven't had to pump...I have just been dealing with the "pain".  I wouldn't even call it pain, really, just more like fullness.  NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, like when my milk first came in or when she first started sleeping through the night!  I have had a few blocked ducts that were quite painful but nothing a little ice pack didn't help.  I have always leaked.  I started leaking at 20 weeks pregnant...I know...  I have had to wear nursing pads for over a year.  I am still wearing them because the girls are confused and kind of have a mind of their own right now.  But I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I will be to not have to wear them anymore!  As soon as my boobs settle down into the sad state of small that I am sure is to come, I am going bra shopping!  I can't wait!  

Things that are awesome about no longer breastfeeding!

• I got to sleep in last weekend for the first time in a year.  Lonnie got up and gave her milk and I slept.  And then slept some more.  
• I can leave the house without Blakely for any amount of time that I want.  
• I have my body to myself for the first time in close to 2 years!  
• TMI but I have a certain "drive" back these days.  Let's just say that the husband is THRILLED with this.  
• Anyone can put the child to bed.  It doesn't have to be me!  I didn't realize how much I could accomplish in those 25 minutes to myself.  I can blog, or read blogs, or eat warm food.  Super.  

Things that are not awesome about no longer breastfeeding...

• The girls are a sad sight :(
• Periods....didn't miss those at all.  I started my first one on Blakely's birthday.  
• Weight gain.  I'm pretty sure I have gained about 7-8 pounds since weaning.  I should probably stop eating like a cow.  

All in all I am very happy with my nursing experience.  There were times when I definitely wanted to be done with it but, for the most part, I really enjoyed it.  I am so thankful that Blakely and I were lucky enough to have a pretty smooth ride with it and I am proud of both of us.  I know how lucky I am to have been able to do it and I can't wait to nurse my next baby!  I better get on that pretty quick because no breastfeeding also means BABY FEVER UP IN HERE.....

Also, if anyone has any questions or anything about nursing I would be more than happy to answer them!  Leave a comment or just e-mail me!  :)