I am going to tell you a story. Part 5.

*A reminder.  All of this was written on Sunday July 7.  I have added some things at the bottom of this post to address some questions that have come up over the past week.*

I know this story has been long.  I really appreciate anyone who reads it.  It has been very cathartic for me to write everything down.  It is helping me to move on.  I am going to end this story with my thoughts on the whole thing.  

As I said in the last post, I am still in shock that this happened to us.  I have a lot of emotions swirling around in me.

I am pissed.  They screwed up my "last" chance to get pregnant.  How can I not be angry?  I seem to be getting a bit angrier by the day.  

I am sad.  Obviously.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  I went through all of that  just to have it end because of someone else's mistake.  Forget all of the physical pain because I can get over that, but the emotional pain is what hurts the most.  

I sort of blame myself.  What if I had said something about ICSI to someone at any point in time.  Would that have changed the outcome?  I signed consents for ICSI.  I thought that was enough.  I didn't think I needed to "remind" them.  

I feel sorry for Dr. B.  I know some may be surprised by this but I really do.  I know he didn't want to make that call to me.  I know he would never want this to happen.  I know he didn't sleep that night knowing that he was going to rock my world the next day.  And I guarantee he hasn't stopped thinking about it since.  He is the doctor.  He takes all the blame when anyone messes up.  Believe me.  My husband has to apologize for others mistakes all the time.  I know he will never forget this mistake that his clinic made.  I cannot be angry at him.  

The clinic is in a state of upheaval.  I knew it when I learned that Dr. M quit.  I should have known when I got that first call from the nurse and she didn't know what cycle day I was on.  If there is anything positive that can come of what happened to us, it is this.  They will change the way they do things.  They will not become complacent again.  They will double check every detail from now on.  I know it.  I know these people.  I have been going there since 2009.  I know they want the best for their patients.  I know this mistake is not going to fade out of their minds soon.  They will all be very aware that they can screw up, and in the business they are in, it messes with people's lives, minds and bodies.  As horrific as this mistake was, I know that it could have been worse.  Not much worse but still worse.  And I know they know that too.  I know this is a great clinic and I would not have my miracle Blakely without each and every one of them.  I am not writing any of this to bash them.  I am thankful for them.  I am writing all of this to help myself heal and to share my story with y'all.  

I have allowed myself a few days to wallow in self pity.  I have eaten crappy food, drank caffeine for the first time in months (whoa!) and enjoyed a few adult beverages.  I am going to pull myself out of this funk soon. 

After reflecting for a few days and accepting that I have to move on from these emotions, I am still left with this.  I am confused.  How can we let our last try for a baby be this one?  How can we go out like that?  How do you accept that you will never be pregnant again when on your last try someone else messed up your chance?  I can't do it.  I cannot accept this IVF as our last try for a baby.  I just can't do it.

Now.  There is no way I am in a place to try again right now.  I don't know that I will ever be ready to do IVF again.  I am worn out.  Over the next few months Lonnie and I will be doing a lot of thinking and talking.  I can't accept that as our last try but I don't think I can do IVF again.  See? I am confused.  The clinic has offered us a full refund of our money.  We can also just do a free cycle instead of getting a refund if we want.  We are going to take the refund and I am going to buy myself something nice.  Something really freaking nice.  

Again, thank you all for listening.  I have shed many tears writing this but it has really helped me to get out of my funk.  Blogging is the best.  Blog friends are even better.  

This little blue eyed beauty makes everything better as well.  :)

-This is a really great clinic that made a bad mistake.  I can forgive but I will not be able to ever forget.  If we wanted another opinion at a different clinic we would have to travel a minimum of 3 hours away.  An option but not a great one.  
-Dr. B made a judgement call in allowing the eggs and sperm to at least try to fertilize instead of freezing the eggs.  I also had not signed a consent for egg freezing so there is that.  He did tell me that the covering around my eggs was not as thick as it had been in the past but he also said that he "was pretty sure" they wouldn't fertilize.  
-The embryologist that WAS there was not trained in ICSI.  He is in the process of learning but it is a very long and detailed thing to be able to do it.  Dr. B even told me he thought about letting the guy try and see what happened.  In the end he felt that was unethical and did not allow it.  I agree.
-I'd be happy to answer any more questions if there are any.  I try to respond via email when someone comments but not everyone has an email attached to their blogger profile.  (Get one!)  So comment with a question or just email me.  


Y'all.  What in the world would I do without you?  I really just want to say again how thankful I am to have made such great friends through this blog.  You guys have been amazing through this story and I appreciate you reading.  Thank you all so much for the sweet words of encouragement on each post and for genuinely caring about me and my family.  I know I haven't "met" many of you but I feel very attached to you and your families as well.  Thank you for being there for me.  It means more than I can express in words.