I am going to tell you a story. Part 1.

I have a lot to get out right now.  And I have to start from the beginning.  Mainly because that is the only way for you to understand but also because I need to heal.  The only way I can do that is to write it out.  I am hoping this helps.  This story does not end well so don't get your hopes up or anything.  

We did IVF.  Number 5 for those of you keeping count.  

I began taking birth control pills at the end of May and started the Lupron injections in mid June.  For those unfamiliar I'm going to be very detailed here.  Those two medications are used to suppress the ovaries.  Once they are good and suppressed then you can start the ovarian stimulation medication (used to help your ovaries produce a bunch of eggs).  

I went in on June 19 and was told that everything looked good and that I could start the stimulation medications the following Saturday, June 22.  This cycle I was going to take Follistim and Menopur...the same medications I have taken before.  

I did everything right this cycle.  We took a break and made sure we were in a good spot to start this process over again.  I had gotten back into my gym routine and I had been keeping myself healthy.  I had lost 12 pounds by eating clean and exercising 3 days a week.  That made me 5 pounds less than what I was when I got pregnant with Blakely and back down close to my wedding weight.  I was feeling really great about myself.  I had stopped drinking alcohol even casually and stopped drinking caffeine (hard).  I also purchased Circl.e + Bl.oom meditations to listen to during the whole cycle.  I hoped it would keep me calm and positive during the stresses of IVF.  I had heard great things from people about it and felt like it was worth the money.  I wanted to do everything that I could since I had so little control over everything else in this process.  

I was ready.  

I felt like my body was ready.  

If you remember this post then you know that we figured this to be our last cycle.  I couldn't think about that going in to it just because that is a lot of pressure.  I wanted to stay calm and try to be positive about the whole thing.  One of the reasons we decided to go ahead with this IVF is because we felt content with out lives.  We are so lucky to have our miracle Blakely and we knew that if she was the only child we were blessed with then that was enough.  Of course, we want more children but you don't always get what you want.  We could be happy with our family of three.  

A lot of you asked me when our last cycle failed why would the next one be our last.  There are a few reasons for this.  The main one being that it takes a huge physical and emotional toll on me and our family.  It is hard to inject so many hormones into your body.  It makes me feel out of control of my body.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and I am not easy to be around during the process.  Is it going to work?  Is it not going to work?  Happy when things are going well.  Completely down when things aren't going exactly right.  Then there is the physical toll.  The actual process is painful.  Swollen ovaries, multiple injections each night and then the egg retrieval.  Having a needle punched through your vagina multiple times is not comfortable.  Also, what are the side effects of doing this to my body 5 times?  No one really knows but it is always in the back of my mind.  

The other big reason for this one to be our last is the financial toll.  IVF is not cheap.  I know some of my readers know this first hand.  We were luckier than lucky to have great insurance coverage for our first 3 IVF's.  But going into our FET (frozen embryo transfer) last December we had reached our lifetime max of infertility coverage.  So every single dime since then has come out of our pocket.  I can't tell you the exact amount (because I don't want to go back and add it up) but each IVF costs about $13,000-$15,000.  Yeah.  Not cheap.  There comes a time when you have to think about using that money in a different way.  We have saved up enough to do these fertility treatments without it putting too much of a strain on our finances but, like I said, there comes a time when you really need to take a good hard look and decide what is best for the family in the long run.  

So.  On June 22 I started taking Follistim (375 units) and Menopur (75 units).  I know, having gone through this before, that I probably would not have an excellent response.  The more you do this the slower your ovaries respond, in general.  I didn't care about getting 25 eggs or a huge number of embryos.  I just wanted a chance to get pregnant.  Just a chance.    

I'll stop here for today.  I decided to divide this story into 5 parts so I don't write the longest post in history and so I don't bombard you with information!  I will post one each day this week.   All five posts are already written and were written on Sunday July 7. 

Part two
Part three
Part four