IVF #6 update

The last I mentioned about our upcoming IVF was when we got home from Denver for the full day of testing.  

The week after that we got all of the results back and everything looked great.  Our next step was to get labs drawn on day 3 of my cycle.  They had to send me a kit and I had to get the blood drawn at my old clinic and they shipped it to Denver.  This was mildly stressful, could have been a lot worse.  Mainly, I was worried about the clinic doing the kit correctly but that wasn't a problem.  I was also a little nervous because I had to tell my old clinic that we were going with the Denver clinic.  I didn't mind telling them I just wanted to get it over with and not dwell on it.  Blech.  

My nurse from CCRM, we will call her J, called with the results of those labs.  I was a little bit nervous about the results and I will tell you why.  They check estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, and LH (luteinizing hormone).  My FSH has always been borderline high.  Dr. B has told me it was just a little high for my age before our last 3 IVF's.  (I believe the numbers were around 12 and 13 each time...and they want it less than 10).  Older women have higher FSH levels which mean your ovaries just aren't producing like they did when you were younger.  I just turned 32, so not old.  I was worried since my eggs haven't been so great the last 2 IVF's that maybe my FSH would be sky high.  All of that explanation to say that J told me my FSH was fine...it was 9.  I was so happy to hear this.  

J explained to me the protocol Dr. S had decided upon.  It is different than what we have done before.  Previously I have been on birth control pills for about a month before starting any medication.  This protocol has no birth control pills and I begin medication based on when I ovulate instead of when I start my period.  She told me we could get started when I ovulated.  At this point I was on about day 8 so that meant we could get started really soon!  I wasn't ready and it was going to run into our beach trip.  We are absolutely going to the beach so I told her we needed to put it off another month.

Once we got the protocol and the calendar from CCRM Lonnie and I got to work looking at his schedule and trying to make sure this was going to work out.  We don't know things down to the day because anything can change but we were a little worried about the timing for when Lonnie was going to need to come out to Denver.  He had a call weekend around that time and that would be nearly impossible to switch.  We were looking at this a few weeks ago when he was off for a few days.  We realized that we may need a back up sample from him in the event that he can't make it out for my egg retrieval. (Please do not let that happen!)  But the only days he was off until the time for the egg retrieval were right then.  So we decided to fly him out to Denver to give his sample and then he flew back home the next day.  Yeah.  A little crazy.  Or maybe a lot crazy.  But there was just no way we could go through with all of this and then get almost to the end and him not be able to come.  That would have been a huge waste of everything.  So this seemed worth it to us.  (Please lord let travel expenses for IVF be tax deductible, anyone know anything about that?)  

Anyway, so I guess that is where we are now.  I will start testing for ovulation in another few days and then I will start medication 10 days after I ovulate.  I will be on that medication for a few weeks or so and then I will start the stimulation medication.  That is when things get real.

I will have one appointment at my old clinic for lab and ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are suppressed and then I will head out to Denver for all other monitoring.  

So that is all of the technical stuff.  Now how about the emotional stuff?  

I am really excited about this.  I am nervous, of course, but I am ready to do this.  I trust this clinic fully and that really helps.  I have to be able to let go of control and let them do what they are trained to do.  They know this stuff and I have to let them guide me and I trust they will guide me in the right direction.  

I want this to work so very badly.  I want to be pregnant again.  I want to feel a baby kick inside me.  I want to give birth to another baby.  I want to nurse again.  I want to make Blakely a big sister.  I want to see Lonnie holding our newborn again.  I want the sleepless nights.  I want the sore vagina.  I want the stinky spit up filled burp cloths.  I want it all.  Sometimes I feel like I need it.  I know that sounds weird but I almost feel like my life is on hold while we just wait and see what our family is going to look like.  We know what we want.  We have talked a few times about "what if we were fertile"?  We both agree that if we were able to choose when we got pregnant and how many kids we were going to have that we would for sure already have another one and we both would like to have a third.  I know we only have one so it is hard to say what we would want once we had a second but the point is we don't get to decide.  We don't have that privilege.  I can't even imagine being able to say, "Ok, our family is complete".  Am I ever going to feel like that?  I don't know but I know I don't feel that way now.  But I know we are lucky.  I know that.  I am focusing on that and staying positive through this whole process.  Actually I am just imagining that it is going to work.  Surely if I think it enough it will happen, right? 

some details

I ended my last post saying that Lonnie and I felt very encouraged after our phone consult.  I will give you a little rundown of why.  

We started off the conversation by going over my lengthy infertility history.  All of the testing and all of the procedures included.  Since this happened sooner than we had planned, my medical records had not yet made it to his office but he had gone over the detailed history forms I had filled out online.  

We talked a little about my thick zona pellucidas (covering around the eggs) and about the embryos we have made and how they grew (not many and not great, in general).  We talked about reasons why I didn’t produce many eggs during my last 2 IVF’s.  We talked about how we have always done our embryo transfers on day three and not day five.  Just basic infertility stuff really.  We broached the subject of donor eggs or embryos with him.  We are not ready to take that step yet but I wanted to know if he thought we should.  Was it worth another try for our own biological child?  His answer was a definite yes.  No hesitation, just yes.  He thinks he can help us if we want to try again.  He was very clear that if he thought we needed to go the route of donor eggs or embryos he would tell us.  That really made me feel better.  I know he doesn’t know all that much about me yet but I really needed someone to tell me that I (or my eggs specifically) were not a lost cause.  He was not salesman-like because, believe me, that would have turned me off instantly.  He just simply said we need more eggs, if possible, and we need to grow better embryos.  They have one of the best labs in the country and he went into many details on this subject.  Details I will save you from having to read ;)  

In my mind (and I believe in Lonnie’s as well) it all comes down to one thing.  The labs.  This doctor (Let’s call him Dr. S, I guess) told us that the greatest difference between any clinic is the lab.  The doctors trained in infertility are all very similar (yes, there are differences but generally speaking) and the medications used are generally the same anywhere you go.  All labs are different.  This is something Lonnie and I never thought that much about.  

I am trying hard to explain our feelings on this without everyone thinking that our old clinic has a bad lab.  They do not at all and I do not want anyone to think that!!  They are wonderful and they gave us our Blakely and other chances to get pregnant.  They succeed in making families on the daily.  They perform miracles and I am so so thankful for the work they have done for us and for their many other patients.  

That being said, apparently my case is not the easiest.  My thickened zonas have made it difficult to perform ICSI and then have made it difficult for the embryos to grow from there.  If I thought our old clinic was not good at what they do I wouldn’t have done 5 IVF’s with them!  I am just simply trying to explain how Lonnie and I are feeling and how we are trying to come to a decision on expanding our family.

We talked about the process of doing an IVF when you are 1,000 miles away.  Oh wait, I haven’t mentioned that?  Yeah, far far away.  It actually doesn’t seem as crazy once he explained the process in detail.  Although, still pretty crazy.  

Here is the deal and this is where Lonnie and I are right now.  No matter how many eggs I produce or how thick my zonas happen to be, we feel like this new clinic’s lab can do more with it.  And I don’t mean more as in number.  I mean more as in just please help us to get a few (one? two?  I’m not picky) good ones that will stick and complete our family.  We feel like we have tried multiple times with our old clinic and if we did that again we wouldn’t really be trying anything new or different.  This is very important to us as many of you can imagine.  We want to do everything possible to give us the best chance of expanding our family.  I know there will come a time when we have to jump off this baby making train and I want to do it knowing that we tried everything we could think of.  That we actually tried something different.  We are really leaning towards going for it with this new clinic in Denver.  Of course, “going for it” is a long process when you live this far away.

We still have our appointment with Dr. B this Thursday and I still want to hear what he has to say about another cycle.  But, if I’m being honest, I think our decision has already been made.  We will see how this all plays out but, like I said the other day, we have hope and that is worth so much to us.  

I made the call...

So, I just made the call to my doctor. (like 45 seconds ago!)

I left a message saying that I was wanting to go ahead and make an appointment to talk about starting with our frozen embryo transfer.  

YIKES!  

I don't know why it seems so intimidating.  I was so nervous to leave a message for the nurses.  I mean it just brings back so many memories.  All bad/negative/depressing/sad.  Ugh.  It is so hard to go back to that place (that physical place).  But mainly I am worried about going back to that emotional place.  That is not a fun place to be in.  I was there for almost three years and in a REALLY bad spot for over a year (3 IVF's will do that).  I don't want to be that sad ever again.  I know it will probably be different because I have my miracle baby now but I won't know that until I go for it.  

The logistics of a FET or a full fresh IVF (please let the FET work) will be much harder this time, of course.  I really don't want to take Blakely there.  I am sure that there will be a time that I will have to but I am going to do everything in my power to not take her in there.  I remember being that girl in the waiting room and another girl there had her baby with her.  In a way, it gave me hope but mostly it made me want to run away and cry.  Those were not good days.  

When I was about 8 months pregnant my husband needed to get back on some medication that made his sperm count go way down (testosterone..see the our journey tab at the top for more info).  We decided to have some of his sperm frozen for future use in IVF's just in case when he got off of the meds his count didn't go back up.  We had to go to this same office three different times for him to give his sample.  

***sidenote that he might kill me for*** I am so proud of my husband for this.  He has had to do a semen analysis at least 15 times...all at the office.  He is a rockstar....he never complains to me about.  He just knows that it has to be done and he does it.  That has always made things so much easier on me...I never had to worry about him whining about this very inconvenient fact of infertility!***  I love you honey...don't be mad!  ;)

Anyway, I was 8 months pregnant.  I refused to go into that waiting room with him!  I mean, when I was struggling with IF I don't know what I would have done if a big ole pregnant belly walked up in that clinic!  He went in without me and when they called him back he told the nurse I was outside.  They snuck me in the back door!  A think a pregnant belly is harder on an infertile girl than a baby...at least it was for me.  

I am about 2% worried about the logistics of all of this.  I am 98% worried that I am going to go back to that unstable, crazy, depressed shadow of my normal self that I was for so long.  I don't want that.  I am scared of that.  I want to be a good mom to Blakely and I don't know that I can do that if I get that depressed again.  

So, yeah, I am worried.  But I am also excited.  Excited that we do have 2 frozen embryos.  Our last cycle was the only one where they were able to freeze any.  Excited to hopefully be pregnant again soon.  I miss it so much!  Excited to make my husband a daddy again.  He has been ready to have another baby for about 6 months!  

Here we go.  Scared, worried, excited, happy, sad...whatever emotional roller coaster I am in for, I am in...all in.  I have my little pea pod to come home to this time and that is more than I could have ever asked for.  I thought for a long tim that we might not ever get our happy ending but we did.  So whatever happens from here is just a bonus.

One Year Ago

One year ago today my sweet and precious Blakely Ann was created.  What a miracle!  I can't believe that was a year ago.  I wrote this post that day and this post the next day.  When I think back to how I was feeling that day I get very emotional.  I was so nervous because I wanted the egg retrieval to go well.  Everything up to that point had gone better than before so I was so hopeful yet so very scared.  If IVF #3 didn't work, I wasn't sure what we were going to do.  I tried not to think about that but it is hard not to think about your backup plan...your plan B.  We had been through so much in 2010....4 failed IUI's, 2 failed IVF's, and more heartbreak than I care to even think about.  I didn't know if we could keep going.....


Out of 19 eggs retrieved we got 6 embryos.  Four of those embryos made it to day three.  Two of those four were transferred in to me and the other two were frozen.  Out of the two that were transferred we got our Blakely!  WOW!  She was such a little fighter.  I remember from the day that I found out that I was pregnant until the day I gave birth to her I would tell her every night how proud of her that I was.  Proud that she kept growing, proud that she made it, proud that she was hanging on, proud to be her mommy.  I am still crazy proud of her.  I hope that one day she will be proud of me.  


So tonight I will snuggle my miracle a little tighter, hold her a little longer, kiss her until she falls asleep, and tell her over and over how happy she makes me...with blissful tears streaming down my face...

We Have Embryos!

The clinic called me this morning.  They said out of the 19 eggs, 10 were able to be ICSI’d.  Out of those 10, six fertilized normally.  SIX!!!  WE HAVE SIX EMBRYOS!!!  If you can’t tell I am excited!  Like seriously excited.....  This is the best cycle we have had so far.  

They will call me in the morning with a more detailed report, which will tell us how well they are dividing and how many cells they are.  

My hopes are up.  There is no other way for me to put it.  They are up....way up.  I’m not sure why.  I guess because everything has gone so well so far.  But I have been through this before...this emotional roller coaster, and I know that at any minute it can all come crashing down.  I think that is the hardest part of infertility.  The up and down, up and down.  We have been trying to conceive for over 2 1/2 years.  We have been on this roller coaster for 2 1/2 years.

At first, the roller coaster was not all that bad (I say this now....ya know hindsight is 20/20).  It was just monthly.  Use ovulation tests, have timed intercourse, get excited, start period and get crushed.  This went on for nine months.  

After that the ups and downs of the roller coaster are more often.  Doctor appointments, semen analysis, ultrasounds, IUI’s, labs, blah, blah, blah.  Just searching for the answer to why we aren’t pregnant and hoping one month we will get a surprise.  

Then on to IVF, which is a daily/hourly roller coaster.  The medications do not help this little problem at all.  I can go from feeling really great about everything to sobbing uncontrollably because I know it isn’t going to work.  This does not help ones sanity.

I think the reason I am surprised at my hopefulness this IVF is because I have felt pretty hopeful the entire time.  Sure, I have had some low moments but over all I have kept it positive and had a good feeling about the outcome.  This has not happened in either of my other two IVF’s.  I know that I might get crushed, and if I do I will pick myself up and figure out what to do next.  I always do.  But, I really hope that is not the case.  I really hope that this is it.  

As of right now I am the mommy of six tiny and beautiful embryos.  I am so proud of them already, I can’t believe it.

GROW BABIES GROW!!! 

Ready to go

I went back to the doctor today for lab and ultrasound.  My ovaries look great with many follicles.  I think this is the best they have looked...ever (Go ovaries!).  He measured a total of about 15 but I think that there were actually more...remember...I do ultrasound!  Let’s just hope a lot of those are mature.  My past two IVF’s they have retrieved 14 eggs each time with 8 mature on #1 and 7 mature on #2.  I am really hoping for 10 mature eggs.  I know that I shouldn’t hope because that has never worked out for me, but I just can’t help it.  If I can’t hope then what else is there?

So, I am to take Follistim 150 only (been taking 375) at 8pm tonight.  I haven’t done this before.  Usually I only do the Ovidrel.  He said that he was adding this for two reasons:

1. Studies are showing that it increases the success rate because the patients FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) does not drop down.  
2. It also helps those follicles that are borderline to mature.  This will help in my situation because we are just trying to get as many eggs as possible since we have to do ICSI.  

Also I am to take Ovidrel at midnight.  I go in Tuesday at 1030.  Wow....it is here.     

He talked to me about hyper-stimulation.  You can read a little about this here.  My estrogen is pretty high...higher than it has been before so I am for sure at risk for this.  He told me to just stay hydrated and take it easy and I should be ok.  Keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

I can’t believe it is here.  I am excited because I feel like this is going to work (3rd time is a charm right???).  I am nervous because this is our THIRD time...how many can we do this??  I am scared because I know that there is chance that this will not work and I am not sure what to do if it doesn’t.  

BUT

I am going to hope.

I am going to stay positive.

I am going to dream.  

Because that is all I can do.....it is out of my hands....