Darwin and 3dp3dt

First of all, I am 3dp3dt and I am still feeling hopeful.  I was getting down the past two days (bedrest will do that to ya!) but I got a very uplifting phone call this morning.  They were able to freeze our other two embryos!!!!  HOLLA!!!  This girl is excited.  I burst into tears when she said that on the phone.  I was NOT expecting her to say that at all.  I really needed some good news.  Other than that I am trying not to think about what is possibly going on in my pelvic region...which is super hard!  I have found that reading a book is the best way to stop thinking about it.  I have read about 3.  So moving on!


I thought I would do a post about my furry little babies.  The dogs and I have a love/hate relationship...it is mostly love though.  You will understand more of this later.  

When Hubs and I met, he had a dog and I had a dog.  It just so happened that they were the same age and about the same size (they will both be nine in May but they were almost four at the time).  Their similarities end right there.  They are complete opposites.  His (our) dog is a Jack Russell named Darwin.  If you know anything about Jack Russells then you know they are spastic/crazy/psycho dogs.  This is totally true...take it from me.  I swear someone slips this dog crack on a daily basis just to drive me bonkers.  A few fun facts about Darwin...

-He absolutely despises other dogs.  He loses his shit anytime a person walks by our house with their dog.  He tries to chew through the metal fence that he is in to get to them.  My husband keeps telling me he is smart...but his actions make me think otherwise.  Some of our neighbors (they are Russian) have two huge dogs (Hubs says they are Rhodesian Ridgebacks which means nothing to me....all I know is they are huge and mean and not on a leash) and Darwin would love nothing more than to be let out to have a go at them.  I actually do love him most of the time so I do not open the gate.  Oh, and those dogs only respond to Russian commands...I need a lesson...

-He LOVES peanut butter.  I mean most dogs do but not the way Darwin does.  He, like, has a sixth sense and he knows when the PB has been taken out of the pantry.  He comes barreling in from wherever he was and will pretty much knock you over to get at it....He’s like 20 pounds...OK?  I am convinced that if you put him in an endless container of PB he would eat it until he died....like, exploded!  You see why I question his intelligence?  Also, if you have gotten the PB out and eaten it yourself and not given him any, he will find your favorite shoe and chew it to pieces.  Even though your favorite shoes are not kept on the floor.  I think he has special powers.  This would be the hate part of our relationship.  

-He LOVES my husband.  Maybe because my Lonnie was the one to raise him for the first three years of his life...who knows?  All I know is that Darwin only listens to him.  I can say something....it gets ignored.  Lonnie tells him something and he does it IMMEDIATELY.  Is this how our kids are going to be??  I hope not because it is quite irritating.  He would NEVER chew his shoes...although he did chew his house shoes ONCE but I am convinced it was because I wore them to get the newspaper and he was confused.  He never refuses to go to his doggy room if Lonnie asks him.  And he doesn’t bark maniacally at the birds or geese or the wind or whatever when hubs is home.  ARGHHH!!!

I really do love Darwin, although it may not seem like it.  He is such a lover!  Sure for the first 20 minutes that you walk in the door he acts like crazy man, running in circles all over the house and jumping on you relentlessly, BUT after that he wants nothing more than to be snuggled and petted.  I often find him curled up on top of one of my decorative pillows from the bed (that is on the floor because I am not one to make the bed).  He knows he is not supposed to do that so he holds really really still and thinks that if he doesn’t move or look at me that I won’t notice him.  It is really cute.

Our dogs are not allowed on the bed (long story for another day).  Sometimes, if he has been recently groomed and Lonnie is not home, I will let him up there to cuddle.  He loves this.  He curls up next to my legs and just snores away.  We bond....

He is also very protective of me which I find very cute as well.  I mean, of course he would protect Lonnie first, but I’m ok with that :)  

Anyway.....here are a few pictures of crazy Darwin also know as D, crazy D, D-dog, Dar-Dar, and Darweenie.  

Staring out the window to make sure he's not missing anything he can bark at....

I caught him on the couch.....

really hoping for some PB.....

This has turned into an extremely long post so I will do Dusty another time!  But here's just a little preview....

That's right....biggest Shih-Tzu ever...

Never mind!

Never mind about transferring 3 embryos.  After all that friggin' hoopla yesterday!  The clinic called me this morning to tell me that we now have 4 8-cell embryos, two good and two excellent.  So, that means that 2 of them caught up and one was upgraded to excellent!  This is super news!  Since this turn of events he recommended transferring just 2, since we now had 2 excellent ones.  This was absolutely fine by me.  I mean I wish I wouldn't have gone through all that yesterday but at this point I'm like whatevs....

The actual transfer was pretty easy....minus the full bladder.  I pretty much had to concentrate on not peeing on him the entire time.  I wonder if that has ever happened?  That is honestly the hardest part.  I mean you have to pee, then they are pressing on your bladder with the ultrasound transducer (yes that is what it is called), then they put the speculum in.....it is really lovely!

So I am now laying in bed snuggled up with my beebies and telling them to hang on tight!  I can't wait for my honey to come home and snuggle with us....

STICK BABIES STICK :)

Why is everything so hard?

Everything to do with infertility is so hard.  Why can’t something just be easy....just for flippin’ once?!?!?  The clinic called me this morning to let me know how our embryos were.  Here are the results

2-2 cell good quality

1-3 cell good quality

1-4 cell good quality

1-4 cell excellent quality

and the other one had not divided

48 hours after retrieval the embryos should be 4 cells...but they can sometimes lag a little behind.  So, this is not the best report.   

The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to do a Day 3 transfer (which I expected) and he recommend transferring 2 or 3 embryos...whatever we wanted.  Well, this was not what I expected.  I mean I just figured they would tell me that we would transfer two.  I never thought about having to make a decision.  I don’t want to decide!  How am I supposed do decide such a thing?  I mean there are so many questions.  I told her that I would have to call her back after I talked to my husband.  So, we talked.  He was at work and very busy so it was hard to talk about it.  Our main concern, OF COURSE, was getting pregnant with triplets.  I just felt like I didn’t have all the information I needed to make a decision.  I mean if we have all 4 cell excellent embryos then I don’t think he would even be recommending 3 at all. 

So, I called the clinic and asked if the doctor could call me back because I was having a hard time deciding and I had some questions.  These were my questions...

Why would we transfer 3?

Was it because we transferred 2 excellent last time and it didn’t work?

What is my chance of triplets?

Do my chances of a single pregnancy go up by adding a third?

Why are they not dividing like they are supposed to?

Is it because of the thickened covering around my egg?

I cried like all freaking afternoon.  I know that I am emotional but I just couldn’t help it.  Like sobbing....UGH!!  I would make a decision and then not feel good about it.  Then I would change my mind and feel good about it for a while and then start crying again.  So frustrating....is there a right decision?  I don’t think so.

So he called me back later in the afternoon.  He basically said that the embryos were not dividing like they should and probably only three of them would be viable, two of them being the correct number of cells.  That is one reason why he was willing to transfer three.  Also, since last time we transferred 2 excellent and it didn’t work, he was willing to transfer three.  He said our chance of getting pregnant with triplets with the embryos that we had, and if they continue to divide like they are, was 5-8%.  He said that our chance of a single pregnancy goes up by a lot more than that.  He said he would do whatever we wanted to do he just wanted to give me the facts.  He said a whole lot of other stuff and gave me some examples, etc.  

So, after a lot of consideration/crying/thinking/stressing, we decided that we are going to transfer 3.  I feel good about it after talking to him.  We also decided that if for some reason tomorrow they are all 10-cell excellent then we will only transfer two.  

This was a really hard decision for us to come to.  I was upset all day about it.  I really hope that the people who read this don’t judge me.  I just never thought I would have to make this decision.  I just figured they would tell me what to do (I realize this may have been naive).  Or I never thought it would be this hard.  I know the worst thing in the world is not triplets.  It just scares me.  Scares me like crazy.  The goal of these fertility treatments is not to have multiples like some fertile people may think!

The thing that gets me through tough times like these is knowing that I have my husband right here beside me.  I know that we can make it through whatever life throws at us.  This comforts me...

So there you have it.  Tomorrow we are transferring 3 beautiful embryos.  I am excited and nervous at the same time!  EEK!!!

Again, I really hope people don’t judge me....

This is my blog and when I started it I told myself that I was going to be honest.  So I am.  I want to document my life and all these emotions go with that.  No one can understand this unless they have been through it themselves.  I know many of you can relate to this.  But I also know that there might be others who read this that might not understand.  So there is my disclaimer :)

I promise I’ll have a happier post soon!!!

I got an award...wow!

I got an award!!!  This is pretty crazy since I just recently started this blog.  Thank you so much to Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs...I really appreciate it and thanks for commenting on my post :)

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers (This might be tough for me since I just started blogging but I will try!)


4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Seven things about myself

1. I love Days of Our Lives (soap opera).  I have watched it on and off since I was a teenager.
2. I have two dogs, a jack russell named Darwin and a shih tzu named Dusty.  I’ll post some pics of them later....
3. Every time I have to drive to the fertility clinic (which is an hour away) I stop at McDonald’s and get a sausage biscuit with cheese.  Every time....I guess we all have our rituals.
4. My husband and I were set up on a date (on my first day of clinicals my second year of ultrasound school).  It wasn’t actually a blind date because I had seen him ONCE in the hospital but that was it. 
5. I absolutely LOVE 60’s music.  I think I was born in the wrong decade.  I listen to 60’s on 6 on Sirius all the time....it makes me happy.
6. When I was a senior in high school my fast pitch softball team won the state tournament.  I played short stop...we were awesome.
7. I love my birthday.  It is on St. Patricks Day (March 17th), but I celebrate the entire month of March.  When I was little (like really little) I used to think people wore green because it was my birthday.  I blame my mom for this ;)

These are 10 of my favorite blogs so far.  Since I am so new to this whole blogging thing I am still finding new people every day.  The blogs below I have been reading since before I started my own blog.  Some are blogs related to infertility, some are family blogs, and some are my fellow Arkansans!  

1. Ridin' with the Robertsons
2. Bump on the Road
3. ...Expect Miracles...
4. STFU Fertiles
5. The Adventures of the Soapscum Avenger
6. The Southern Belle Baby
7. Kelly's Korner
8. Stealing Baby Kisses
9. The Pifer Family
10. Katie's Keepers

We Have Embryos!

The clinic called me this morning.  They said out of the 19 eggs, 10 were able to be ICSI’d.  Out of those 10, six fertilized normally.  SIX!!!  WE HAVE SIX EMBRYOS!!!  If you can’t tell I am excited!  Like seriously excited.....  This is the best cycle we have had so far.  

They will call me in the morning with a more detailed report, which will tell us how well they are dividing and how many cells they are.  

My hopes are up.  There is no other way for me to put it.  They are up....way up.  I’m not sure why.  I guess because everything has gone so well so far.  But I have been through this before...this emotional roller coaster, and I know that at any minute it can all come crashing down.  I think that is the hardest part of infertility.  The up and down, up and down.  We have been trying to conceive for over 2 1/2 years.  We have been on this roller coaster for 2 1/2 years.

At first, the roller coaster was not all that bad (I say this now....ya know hindsight is 20/20).  It was just monthly.  Use ovulation tests, have timed intercourse, get excited, start period and get crushed.  This went on for nine months.  

After that the ups and downs of the roller coaster are more often.  Doctor appointments, semen analysis, ultrasounds, IUI’s, labs, blah, blah, blah.  Just searching for the answer to why we aren’t pregnant and hoping one month we will get a surprise.  

Then on to IVF, which is a daily/hourly roller coaster.  The medications do not help this little problem at all.  I can go from feeling really great about everything to sobbing uncontrollably because I know it isn’t going to work.  This does not help ones sanity.

I think the reason I am surprised at my hopefulness this IVF is because I have felt pretty hopeful the entire time.  Sure, I have had some low moments but over all I have kept it positive and had a good feeling about the outcome.  This has not happened in either of my other two IVF’s.  I know that I might get crushed, and if I do I will pick myself up and figure out what to do next.  I always do.  But, I really hope that is not the case.  I really hope that this is it.  

As of right now I am the mommy of six tiny and beautiful embryos.  I am so proud of them already, I can’t believe it.

GROW BABIES GROW!!! 

Retrieval

Well egg retrieval #3 was today.  You would think that I would not be nervous but I still was, just a little.  Not about the procedure (because they give great drugs!) but nervous of the outcome.  I love all of the girls at the clinic and they are all so sweet to me but, honestly, I am tired of seeing them this way!  I made cookies last night to take my mind off of everything and I took them to the clinic this morning.  The cookies are called Just The Best Cookies and trust me....they are awesome!  You cannot eat just one.  And the dough is almost better than the cookies!  They loved them and really appreciated me bringing them.  If you are interested you can check out the recipe here.  

Anyway, they retrieved 19 eggs!  I was so happy about that.  I think I asked them about my eggs like 30 times because I kept forgetting.  I was not able to find out how many were mature before we left.  I just knew there were more follicles this time and I was right!  I’m feeling really positive....   

I am hurting pretty bad this time.  The doctor told me that I would have more pain and he told me the reason but I forgot.  I think it had something to do with having more follicles.  

Anyhoo.....I am going to take some pain meds, drift off into sweet sleep and dream about beautiful eggs meeting beautiful sperm and making beautiful embryos!!


By the way....I hope all this makes sense because my brain is foggy and the meds are kicking in!!!

Ready to go

I went back to the doctor today for lab and ultrasound.  My ovaries look great with many follicles.  I think this is the best they have looked...ever (Go ovaries!).  He measured a total of about 15 but I think that there were actually more...remember...I do ultrasound!  Let’s just hope a lot of those are mature.  My past two IVF’s they have retrieved 14 eggs each time with 8 mature on #1 and 7 mature on #2.  I am really hoping for 10 mature eggs.  I know that I shouldn’t hope because that has never worked out for me, but I just can’t help it.  If I can’t hope then what else is there?

So, I am to take Follistim 150 only (been taking 375) at 8pm tonight.  I haven’t done this before.  Usually I only do the Ovidrel.  He said that he was adding this for two reasons:

1. Studies are showing that it increases the success rate because the patients FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) does not drop down.  
2. It also helps those follicles that are borderline to mature.  This will help in my situation because we are just trying to get as many eggs as possible since we have to do ICSI.  

Also I am to take Ovidrel at midnight.  I go in Tuesday at 1030.  Wow....it is here.     

He talked to me about hyper-stimulation.  You can read a little about this here.  My estrogen is pretty high...higher than it has been before so I am for sure at risk for this.  He told me to just stay hydrated and take it easy and I should be ok.  Keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

I can’t believe it is here.  I am excited because I feel like this is going to work (3rd time is a charm right???).  I am nervous because this is our THIRD time...how many can we do this??  I am scared because I know that there is chance that this will not work and I am not sure what to do if it doesn’t.  

BUT

I am going to hope.

I am going to stay positive.

I am going to dream.  

Because that is all I can do.....it is out of my hands....

What I like

So, what do I do in my spare time before I had a blog?  Well, let’s see.  

I really love to scrapbook although I haven’t made one in a while.  The last one I made was for my friend Keisha when she had her baby girl.  It was a month by month (up to 1st birthday party), ready made book...so all she had to do was put the pictures in.  Because what mom of a newborn has time to make a scrapbook?  Her sweet baby was born at 29 weeks and spent a while in the hospital, so I was glad I went ahead and made the book for her instead of just buying her the stuff so she could make her own.  Here are a few pics of it......

place for a birth picture and one month picture

 2 and 3 month 

8 and 9 month

and a place for a mommy and me picture on her 1st birthday

I have been making a few photo books online though.  For our third wedding anniversary last October I made Lonnie a book of all of our travels together.  We have been together five years and have been quite a few places.  I have an album of each trip but I wanted something to set on the coffee table that was like a summary of our first five years.  I love it!!!  Here are just a few of the pages....

Another thing that I like to do sometimes is puzzles....like jigsaw puzzles.  I know, super nerdy, but I have liked them since I was a kid.  I swear they help me relax!  I mean, I love nothing better than sitting at my kitchen table with a glass of wine doing a puzzle.  It is awesome.  Oh and by the way.....I am awesome at it!!  Like I could probably win some sort of competition...not even kidding.  On occasion I can get my honey to do one with me.  I think he is starting to like them and appreciate the relaxation that they bring.  We shall see....  Just for fun I will post some pics of a couple of them.  The first two are 2000 piece and the last three are just 1000 piece.  

A few other things that I like.....

• super hot bubble baths
• hot chocolate
• diet sprite with strawberry from Sonic
• popcorn with M&M’s
• shoes...ALL kinds of shoes
• running (although I haven’t done that in a month or so because I was sick and then IVF started)
• playing fantasy football (me and all my girlfriends play in a league together...never cared a thing about NFL football until we started this league...I’m very competitive!)
• playing cards with my mom, aunt, and grandmother (we have tournaments)
• hanging out with my girlfriends
• the Razorbacks
• watching movies with my husband
• the beach
• traveling 
• Lupron....JUST KIDDING!!!!!  HA!
• and now blogging!

Where are we now?

As far as baby making goes, we are smack in the middle of IVF #3.  I have put a timeline up on my blog to give you a brief overview of how we got here.  Basically IVF #1 was a total bust....we didn’t have any eggs fertilize.  But we did learn why we haven’t been able to conceive.  The covering around my eggs (zona pellucida) is very thick so the sperm are not able to penetrate.  This is actually a pretty rare thing.  My doctor told me over the phone the day after my retrieval (as I sat trying not to sob into the phone) that this only happens at their clinic about once every four years.  I am so special.  My eggs are frickin’ fortresses.  Awesome...

So on to IVF #2...this time with ICSI.  Everything went smoothly.  I mean I wish we could have gotten more mature eggs but beggars can’t be choosers now can they?  We only got three embryos but, to be totally honest, I was just glad that they were able to make embryos.  I was worried that the concrete barrier that is my egg would prevent us from even being able make any at all.  We transferred 2, other one did not make it to freeze, got a big fat negative and decided that wifey needed a break.

That was three months ago.  I feel a lot better after a little break.  I think the New Year helped as well.  2010 was just not my year.  Not just because of the baby-making, or lack thereof, but just everything.  I am not going to list all of the things because I am moving on from 2010!!!  

So, IVF #3 is where we are now.  I am on my 7th day of stims.  Everything is going smoothly and I had my first ultrasound yesterday.  I had about 6-8 measurable follicles on my right ovary and about 4-5 on the left.  There were lots of other smaller ones that I hope will get bigger.  We are looking at a retrieval on Tuesday or Wednesday.  The only thing we are doing different this cycle is Luveris.  It is supposed to help increase my LH since it was borderline low.  It also helps increase the number and maturity of the eggs.  I am OK with this except when you inject this medicine it feels like you are injecting a thousand flaming swords.  Oh well, it is only for a minute and well worth it in the end I’m sure.  

So there you have it....IVF #3 is well underway.....

I am excited

I am super scared

I am anxious

I am over thinking everything

I am driving myself and my husband crazy :)

Let’s hope this works because I don’t know where to go from here if it doesn’t.......


Kelly

Hello Blog World!

OK so here I go!  I have been wanting to start a blog for about a year now but I kept making excuses not to.  Well I am running out of reasons not to do it!  I have been reading some blogs for a while now and I just love the support that you girls give to each other through the good times and the bad.  And blogging just seems like fun!  So here I go....

Top 3 reasons to start blogging

1. I want to document my life.  I have always kept some form of journal/diary and blogging to me seems similar but way more fun!
2. I want to share my story.  My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over 2 1/2 years.  
3. I want to “meet” new friends that have been through some of the things that I have been through.  It is hard going through this when no one in real life understands!

Ok so I guess the first thing is to introduce myself!  

My name is Kelly and I am a southern girl from Arkansas (GO HOGS!!).  This is not to be confused with a country girl from Arkansas.  Nothing wrong with country girls at all...trust me I love them and are friends with LOTS of them...it is just that I am not one and I wouldn’t want you to be confused!  For example, I about lost my mind when I came home the other day from work and my husband had a deer strung up in our backyard.  

Top 3 things that went through my head

1. Who is this man covered in deer nasty and what has he done with my husband?
2. I cannot believe there is a dismembered dead deer all over my grass.
3. What does this man plan on doing with all this deer nasty?

(DISCLAIMER: I have no problem with hunting, people who hunt, or eating the things that one hunts.....I just do not want to see it in my yard.  Thanks!)

OK so long story short about the deer.  It was killed in our front yard, which is crazy because I live in a subdivision not the middle of the woods.  My husband had not dressed a deer since he was like a teenager so he thought that he would give it a go.  Boys are weird....

ANYWAY, a few more things about me.  I have been married to my husband for a little over 3 years and we have been together for 5 1/2 years.  He is wonderful and we were totally made for each other.  I could write an entire post about him....maybe I will?  

Here is a couple of pictures of us

Had to add a wedding pic ;)

in our Razorback Red

I am a sonographer which means that I do ultrasounds.  I work at a hospital and not a clinic so we do all types of ultrasounds (kidney, liver, gallbladder, babies, thyroid, arteries, veins, the list goes on and on).  And I mean all types!!  My coworkers and I have a motto “If you got it, we can scan it!”  I have many stories....

I am 28 years old and fast approaching 29.  This alone does not bother me at all.  The thing that bothers me is that I thought I would be a mother at the age of 26.  I am still not a mother.  And 30 is staring DI-RECTLY at me!!!

Ok quick backstory....

I was not the girl that constantly dreamed of her wedding day.  Nor was I the girl that dreamed of the day I would become a mother.  I never really thought about these things when I was growing up.  It is not that I didn’t want them at all.  I was just more concerned with sports and friends and my mom (I SO LOVE MY MOM IT IS CRAZY) than the future.    

BUT

Something happens when you meet that man

Something happens when you fall insanely in love

Something happens when you dedicate your life to someone

Something happens when you get married and start your life together

I was a very independent girl.  My goal was never to meet a man, have babies, and be a stay at home mom.  I wanted to get my education, get a good job, and support myself.  This comes from my mother always telling me to make my own money.  I did accomplish these things but very soon after I was set up on a date with my honey.  And like I said....SOMETHING HAPPENS!!!!

SOOOOO......About six months after Hubs and I got married we decided it was time to get off “the pill”.

That was May 2008.

It is now January 2011.

It has been a long road.

It has been a hard road.

It has been a scary road.

I know that my journey is not the longest, the hardest, or the scariest.  But it is mine and it still frickin’ SUCKS!!!  If I ever had one wish....it would be for all those women out there who have the desire in their hearts to have children for it to be easy.  No one can possibly know the pain that comes with infertility unless they have been through it.  I had such a hard time in the beginning of my journey because the things people would say to me would just...well, piss me off!  

So, I turned to Google to get info.  

I happened upon an infertility blog.  

I read many of your stories.  

I felt better.  

I was not alone.  

And now here I am.......sharing my story with the blog world :)

Thanks for listening....if you did!

Kelly