2017

Last week Lonnie and I were talking about preschool.  Not a major conversation but he was asking me about the differences between Mothers Day Out and preschool.  He was mainly wondering if we can just keep her in MDO until she goes to kindergarten (because we love it so much)!  I told him I didn't really know all the details but, yes, she could stay at MDO until kindergarten because they have a preschool class.  I was telling him that I had heard about a couple of other preschools in town but I honestly felt like it was so far away so I would look into all of our options as it got closer.  And the conversation went on....

After we talked about it I started thinking more about it...because planning is what I do.  As many of you know or have experienced there is usually a wait list for good preschools or daycares.  So I thought it would be a good idea to plan it out in my head just so I would know when I needed to make some calls.  

And that is when I figured out that my child will start kindergarten in 2017.  Having a date placed on it kind of freaked me out!  I've just never thought about it that way before!  I realize that is still 3 years away so I am not crying just yet but knowing that I only have 3 more years of her at home with me makes me a little sentimental.  

I even called my friend Sarah (teacher) to confirm my math.  In Arkansas, the child has to be 5 on or before August 1st to start kindergarten that year.  So Blakely misses the cutoff by a couple of months.  That means she will start kindergarten 2 months before she turns six, in 2017.  She will always be one of the oldest in her class and I think that is great.  Starting children in school a year early is not an option in the public schools here.  (Sarah wouldn't let me do it even if it were but there is no need to get into that today!)  If I would have had Blakely a couple of months sooner then I would only have 2 years left at home with her.  So we kind of have an extra year together and an extra year of MDO/preschool/whatever we decide.  Sweet deal.  

Have any of you put a date in your head about when your kids will head off to big kid school? 

As of right now (because when it gets closer you know I will be researching ALL of the school possibilities) Blakely will go to school where I went to school all 13 years.  And because you read through this nonsense you get a picture of my kindergarten class.  Can you find me?  ;)  Good luck because it is a terrible picture!  

Five year old Kelly circa 1987

Funkity Funk

Gah.  I'm not sure what is going on but I am in a rut and neeeeed to get out.  I figured if I wrote a pity post then that would snap me right out!  Aren't you excited?  

Reasons for said funk...
1.  WEATHER.  I am over winter.  I know we have a mild winter compared to a lot of you but it seems like there have been more dark/rainy/gray/icy/gross days than sunny but still cold days.  Move on winter.

2.  I was sick last week.  Sick like whoa.  It started on Wednesday while B was at MDO but she was home with me the rest of the week.  I barely survived Thursday.  All I wanted was to curl up in a ball and she was like LET'S PLAY JUMP RUN TOYS FOOD POTTY MOM!  It was not easy.  She was especially NOT independent and she was not having the "night night" game which is usually a fave.  We made it through.  

pretty much sums it up...

3.  Lonnie was on call this weekend.  I was still sick so that makes for bayyyysically no fun at all.  

4.  I miss my Lonnie.  It seems that we haven't had any time just the 2 of us in 47 months.  I'm exaggerating.  You get my point.  We have a little getaway planned for the next time he is off so I am counting down the days...hours...minutes...  

5.  I am kind of at a loss as to what to do about wanting to try for another baby.  I've never felt this way about it.  Before I just called the clinic and we got started in that direction.  But since our clinic completely screwed us over in July I'm just not sure I can go back there.  So then what?  Any other clinic will require minimum of 5 hours of travel one way or a plane flight.  Does that sound easy to you?  No.  So here I sit just wavering on what to do next.  I am ready to do something I am just not sure what.  It makes me feel yucky.  

6.  I am starting to feel the need for a change around these parts.  I am sure all of the above whines lead my brain to thinking these things but I am just not feeling the stay at home mom gig right now.  The other day someone asked me what I had been up to.  Simple and innocent question.  But all I could come up with was shit.  I am sure they didn't want to hear about the fact that I had spent 3 hours that morning bribing Blakely to sit on the potty.  Recently she has become deathly afraid of pooping.  Apparently it hurt once or something so she was trying to hold it in.  No amount of marshmallow bribery would work.  We would play, she would grab her butt and yell poop, we would go to the toilet and she would jump right off of it.  Repeat every 30-45 seconds for 3 hours until we had success.  I literally could not come up with any other topic of conversation for my friend.  Probably an ex-friend now!  (I think we have since solved this problem.  Thank God because one more episode like that may have sent me to crazytown)  I am just itching to use my brain for something other than dishes, laundry, poop, bills, toddler games, dishes, cleaning, more toddler games, cooking, grocery shopping, more damn dishes, blah blah blah now I'm rambling.  See?  I have mushy brain.  

Ok.  I think that is enough.  Woe is me and I need to get over it.  I know and I will.  Riiiight after I show you a little of this.  

All photos by HER

I mean who could be in a funk after seeing those pics?  And these aren't even the best ones! Winter family pics for the win.  

Feel free to kick me in the booty for such a whiny post.  At least there are pictures?  

First day of school...

I am writing this while sitting at my kitchen table.  Alone.

Because Blakely is at SCHOOL!!

Wait...I haven't mentioned this yet?  

Well let me back up a bit then.  

At the beginning of the summer I started thinking about getting B into a Mother's Day Out program here in town starting in the fall.  Apparently MDO is a southern thing because I have mentioned it to a couple of non-southern blog friends and they had no idea what I was talking about.  (cough cough, Bridget, cough cough).

I mean it is basically a day care but they don't have the hours of a day care?  I really don't know much about day care in general so I can't really compare.  I can just tell you about this MDO!  It is from 8-330, 4 days a week.  I can take her when I want and pick her up when I want.  I guess you could say it is day care for stay at home moms!  

To start, I am only sending her one day a week.  Eventually I may send her 2 days a week but I would have to get on the waiting list so it probably wouldn't happen until the spring anyway.  She is also going to be spending one day a week with my friend Juanet.  Have I ever mentioned Juanet?  I can't remember but she needs a whole post so I'll do that later.  Anyway, starting now, B will be spending one day a week at MDO and one day a week with Juanet.  

Can I just tell you how excited I am about this?  For real.  It is going to be so good for her.  One of the main reasons I wanted her to go is because I think she needs more interaction with kids.  She only really plays with other kids at the gym day care and she loves that so much that I knew MDO would be a hit.  

I am also, of course, nervous.  Someone else is taking care of my baby!  I am pushing through my fears because I know it is what is best for her and for me.  I mean, I just ate a huge breakfast and I didn't have to share!  I am blogging and I haven't been interrupted one time!  Mommy win!  

And because you know she had a special outfit for the occasion....

She, of course, decided to sleep in this morning so she wasn't all that happy about pictures at first.  {always twirling that hair}

Then she warmed up a bit...  Can we talk about how big she is?  

And now I am off to take the hottest and longest shower ever...because I can!!!  Yippeeee!

on staying at home.

I have honestly been wanting to write a post on my thoughts about being a stay at home mom for a good 6 months.  I can't ever seem to find the right words.  Sometimes I sit down to write it and everything sounds like I am complaining.  Then other times everything sounds all pretty and glitter and rainbows.  Staying at home is neither.  I guess it depends on where I am at when I try to write it out.  I've decided that I am never going to get it written unless I just sit down, write and be honest.  So here goes...

To begin with I was never one of those that knew I would be a SAHM.  I thought I was going back to work after I had Blakely up until I was set to go back in 4 weeks.  Then something sort of clicked with me.  I did not want to leave her.  I also had no idea where she was going to go when I went back to work.  (Obviously I had procrastinated on that).  I just looked at Lonnie one night and told him that I wanted to stay at home with her for a while longer.  He was all for it as he had been trying to get me to stop working since I got pregnant.  

It was hard for me to call my boss but I knew it was the right thing at the time.

The first few months of being a SAHM were hard but they were hard in an "omg I just had this baby and I have no clue what I am doing" way.  Just like all new moms...working or staying at home.  My life revolved around poop and boobs (and my recovering perineum...oh the endless pain).  I felt successful if I washed my hair and pooped without crying.  

I found my groove when B was about 6 months old.  I was rocking the stay at home mom gig.  My girl was on a great schedule (crucial) and she was happy.  I was napping when she napped for her morning nap so I was well rested.  During her other naps I got all the things done.  All the things.  I felt successful at life.  Dinner was cooked, the house was cleaned and I had make up on.  

Dude...this is easy.  We can NAP!

At about the one year mark, or a little before, things got a bit hard.  She started walking so there was that.  She was in to more things and I couldn't leave the room for even a second.  Where she could destroy a cabinet full of stuff in no time while she was a crawler, when she became a walker she was able to destroy three rooms in the same amount of time.  We were beginning the transition from baby to toddler.  But oh how fun that stage was!  A tiny tot toddling around like a drunken sailor.  And the few words she was starting to say.  It was so cute and I miss that!  

Things got a lot hard at about 14 months and stayed that way until about 18-19 months.  For me I felt like she wasn't a baby anymore.  We can't just lay on the floor all day and play with a basket of stuffed toys or blocks anymore.  I felt like I needed to be teaching her things.  How do I teach her things?!?  This was also the end of any "me time" I had during the day.  She now noticed everything I was doing and, therefore, wanted to be doing those same things.  I could no longer read a blog while she ate her lunch or pay bills while she played on the floor.  And forget about making any phone calls while she was awake.  I could not pee without a toddler on my lap (still can't pee without her yelling "ready, set, go!  Mommy peeeeee!) and showers were out of the question.  I started looking forward to nap time so much.  The days were running together and they felt a little like this.  Feed the toddler, clean up the toddler mess, change the toddler diaper (after catching her), entertain the toddler, get the toddler to nap, do household chores at lightening speed before toddler wakes up, toddler always wakes up before chores are finished (always), feed the toddler, clean up the toddler mess, change more diapers, entertain the toddler, pick up after the toddler, give the toddler snacks, clean up the toddler snacks, entertain the toddler with the afternoon fussies, change more diapers, feed the toddler, clean up the toddler mess, and pray that Lonnie is going to walk through the door to help me soon.  I felt successful if I did not have a glass of wine with my lunch.  

Rainbows and glitter and unicorn babies!  ;)

reality...no make up and LOTS of crying on the floor for both of us.  rough day.    

Those 6 months or so were very hard on me.  I felt very guilty for looking forward to her naps and her bed time.  I chose to be a SAHM...why am I not enjoying this?!  I think I just had a hard time transitioning from having a baby to having a toddler.  I was also not allowing myself to relax or do things for myself.  I just needed to give myself a break.  

Once B hit about 20 months old I think I got my groove back.  She hit an age where she can understand a little bit of reason.  I decided I had to try to get her to play by herself some during the day.  She has never done this well.  At least for me.  Lonnie says she plays by herself great when he is watching her...go figure.  She has always wanted me on the floor playing with her.  No not on the couch.  On the floor wherever she is.  Once a day I try to get her to have some independent play time.  Usually in the afternoon after her nap (I try to be consistent) I tell her mommy has to work and she has to play in the living room.  Some days are better than others but we are making progress.  Things also got better because I started making some time for me.  I made myself a priority and that has done wonders for me.  I make plans with my friends or plans with Lonnie and I don't (or try not to) feel guilty about it.  Even being able to shower alone at night while she plays with Lonnie helps my peace of mind more than I ever thought possible.   

Things are not perfect now but I do feel like I am doing a better job.  I am sure in 6 months I am going to want to update this post and say "You just think that part was hard".  But that is what I am learning.  Parenting and raising another human being is incredibly hard and incredibly amazing at the same time.  It is okay to say it is hard or to say you are having a hard time.  That makes you real.  I hate when people say "enjoy every second".  That is just an impossibility.  Every new mom hears those words and they are immediately set up for failure.  That is how I felt about being a SAHM.  I thought I was supposed to be enjoying every second and instead I was wanting to hide in the closet with a bag of chips and cry.  I have learned (and am still learning) to accept the struggles AND the successes and just let them be.  It doesn't have to be perfect all day long all the time.  Just enjoy the good times and make it through the hard times.  That is the good thing about toddlers.  They can have the biggest meltdown over you not letting them put their hand in the candle and you think you may lose it if they don't stop all the crying and all the writhing on the floor.  But then 30 minutes later they walk over to you and give you a big fat kiss and a hug that may never end.  It doesn't take away the fact that things were hard during the meltdown but I am choosing to focus on the good things, the happy things, and the things that won't last forever.

I know that my time being home with her 7 days a week is coming to a close.  She will not be this little for long.  Soon enough we will be picking out a preschool, driving her to games and practices, picking out dresses for school dances and taking her senior pictures (NO!).  When I think of staying at home with her in that context I am able to focus more on the happy and not the hard.  Sure some days I want to pull my hair out because within the first hour of her being awake she has yelled "SHIT MOMMY" 1,000 times.  (She means sit, so I hear this a lot every day....SHIT CHAIR MOMMY!  SHIT BED MOMMY!)  And sometimes I think I may cry when Lonnie calls and says he is going to be home late from work.  But I am doing better at not letting the hard stuff overwhelm me.  

This little darling (and occasional terror) is the best thing I have ever done.  And staying home with her has been the absolute hardest and most rewarding thing I have done

oh...and obviously she is in an "accessorizing" phase...

A chance to miss me

I have started going to the gym.  Mainly because I am completely out of shape and get out of breath going up my stairs.  But I joined also because they have child care.  So I can work out and she can interact with other kids...which she never gets to do.  I feel like she is getting to the age where she needs that.  They let you use the childcare for free with your membership for 2 hours a day.  Believe me, I seriously considered just taking her there and then sneaking into the locker room to read for 2 hours.  Still might do that.  

Anyway, we went yesterday for the second time.  There were about 10 kids there and Blakely was the youngest by at least 2 years.  She loves it because it is like a huge room and all she can think about is all the new toys she can play with.  The women who work there seem to really like B as well.  They keep telling me how happy she is, etc.  

I nearly died worked out for about an hour and then went back down to pick her up.  I walked in and she didn't see me.  She was busy chewing on some toy and being mesmerized by all the kids running around her.  I stood there and watched her for a few minutes.  I was telling myself how good this was for both of us.  I get a little me time (!!!!) and she gets to play...she was enjoying herself.  It made me happy.  

But then the most amazing thing happened.

She saw me.  

She threw that toy halfway across the room and crawled faster than I've ever seen her crawl, all with a huge smile on her face...heading directly to me.  She pulled up on my leg and started yanking my pants and saying "BA! BA! BA!" (which means up in baby).  I picked her up and she started giggling and snuggling.  

I almost burst into tears right there.  She missed me.  She loves me.  She recognized me and WANTED me....wanted me more than that awesome new chew toy that feels so good on her gums.

It was such an epiphany for me.  I know that she loves me, I am her mama after all.  But I don't really ever get to see it.  We spend all day together, every single day.  And yes, she gives me kisses and doesn't like it when I leave the room.  But she cries for me at home.  Cries when she's hungry, because I feed her.  Cries when she's sleepy, because I put her to bed.  Cries when she's bored, because I am the one who entertains her every day.  It is a good feeling knowing that I meet her needs and she knows it.  But, Lonnie is always the one who gets the "OMG! DADDY IS HOME...SQUEEEE!!!"  She is so happy to see him walk through that door everyday and it melts my heart every time.  She misses him.  

Watching her be that happy to see me, now that was a great feeling.  I don't get that very often.  She doesn't ever really get a chance to miss me.  She sees me all day long.  But, now I can be confidant that she does miss me even if I don't see it.  I am her person...I do all things for her.  She loves her mommy and that, THAT is the best feeling in the world.  

Just a day....

This post will be seriously boring to most.  But, I just wanted to document a random day in my life with an almost six month old.  This was my day yesterday...

6 Blakely wakes up.  I change her, feed her, and then put her back to bed.  

630 pump (usually about 4-5 oz)

645 crawl back in bed

730 B wakes up for the day

745-815 fix me and Blake some breakfast.  We are both having oatmeal (different kinds thank goodness....have y'all tasted that crap???)  I eat mine and she spits hers out.  

815-830 clean her up from the crazy mess she made!

830 diaper change and breastfeed

830-900 I go through some of her old clothes while she plays on the floor.  I'm making piles to give away and then storing the other stuff.  

915 she gets sleepy and goes down for a nap in the crib.  She goes down easy this time...miracle!

915-945 I straighten my hair (because I didn't have time after my shower the day before), clean up the living room and kitchen.  I also start a load of towels.

945 B wakes up.  I let her play in her crib for 15 minutes while I finish putting on a little makeup

1000-1020 change her diaper.  I get dressed.  I also start the diaper laundry.

1020 We walk down to the dock to pay the guy who is cleaning our boat (YAY BOAT!)

1030 I put B in the Jumparoo.  I move the straps on her car seat...been meaning to do that for a week!  Start cold wash on the diapers.

1045 She decides she hated the Jumparoo.  I take her out and feed her a little early because she is fussy.

1100 Blakely in bouncer chewing on Sophie.  Hot wash for diapers.  I make me some lunch.

1110-1130 I eat my lunch while reading a few blogs.

1130 Put dishes in dishwasher.  Wash the bottles and pump parts from the day before.  diaper change.

1200 Leave house to run errands.  Have to turn around twice because I left something at home..

1215 Actually leave house!  I had to take a phone to my brother and we went to see Lonnie at work...he loves that!  I also ran into Belk to try and find a top for Easter.  Usually Blakely loves this but for some reason she screamed the whole time I was trying on clothes.  Not crying....just yelling!  She slept on the drive to see Lonnie and on the drive home.  About 30 minutes total.

215 Get home and breastfeed.  diaper change.  

230-330 We play in her room.  She practiced sitting up.  I organize more clothes.

330 We go upstairs and I make a snack.  I have to resist the urge to eat everything in my house because by this time I am starving...every day!

345-415 NAKEY time!  She loves this and she rolls over two more times!  (Only her 2nd and 3rd time ever going from back to belly)

415 Diaper change and nap

415-500 I hang up the diapers and start a load of B's clothes.  I also do my sit up's and some Pil.ates.  

500 She wakes up.  Breastfeed and change her diaper.  Also change her clothes and get ready for a boat ride when daddy gets home.  

500-600 Play on the floor...waiting for daddy...should have been home at 5!  I also start another load of laundry.

600-715 First boat ride of the spring!!!

715-800 Diaper change.  Let the dogs up and feed them.  Entertain a fussy baby who is so so sleepy since she only slept 1.5 hours total all day.  

800-830 Diaper change, pajamas, feeding (bottle), and put down to bed.  

830-845 Fold laundry and stuff the diapers

845-945 Eat dinner leftover from the night before and watch Bo.nes with Lonnie.  

945 Pump (about 4-5 oz) and get ready for bed.

1000 Lights out!  Mama's tired!

This was just a random day for me.  I feel like I did a ton and I didn't even cook dinner!  It was Blakely laundry day though...

Have you ever written down what you do in a day.  I was kind of surprised!  Everything seemed so small but it took up my whole day!  Best part of the day?  The boat ride!    

Balance

I feel so behind lately.  Just behind at life...

There seems to constantly been 10 things that I HAVE to get done and I only have time for about three.  

I just haven't found the balance yet, I guess.  

I am so busy being a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a friend that there is absolutely no time for myself.  I am plenty of other things as well but those are the main ones.  The only alone time I can get is when I take a shower...which is actually a pretty rare occurrence around here.  And about half of my showers are taken while Blakely is in the bouncer and I am singing to her the whole time..so that is definitely not time for me.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am enjoying every single minute of all of this.  It is just that I am realizing that I need to make time for myself....or I am going to go bonkers.  Seriously.  

I spend all day trying to do the best for B that I can and I still feel like I am failing at that some days.  For example, I really need to be giving her oatmeal every day so she will actually start eating it but I haven't been able to find the time.  I need to be consistent with it or we will probably end up how we were with giving her a bottle...NOT FUN!

I spend all day trying to get stuff done around the house so my husband doesn't have to worry about it.  I am not talking about cleaning or anything because that is just not happening.  We live in a total mess until Tuesdays, when Juanet comes over and cleans.  I would just shrivel up and die in this mess without her.  I'm talking about all the other crap.  Getting all of our tax stuff together, renewing our car registration, renewing the boat insurance and registration, getting the oil changed on our cars, paying all of the bills, etc.  You know, just the normal stuff that keeps a household running.  I feel like I can't ever get that stuff done on time.  

I spend a ton of time trying to be a good friend.  I love my friends and I love hanging out with them.  I am having another baby shower at my house this weekend.  I really enjoy hosting these showers for my friends but it does take up quite a bit of time.  I am excited about it but also ready for it to be over all at the same time.  

Since my mom has been living with us since the beginning of January, I have been spending a lot of time trying to be a good daughter.  She never asks me for anything...even in the beginning when she couldn't get around at all.  She doesn't want to be a burden and she doesn't expect anything from me.  Literally there would be days I forgot to feed her.  She never said anything until I realized at five o'clock that she hadn't eaten all day!  I know she is so ready to go home and get back to her normal routine.  I have really enjoyed having her here and I am going to miss her when she is gone :(

So after doing all of that every day, where is the time I spend on myself?  Yeah, it doesn't exist.  And I don't even have a job!  Well I do have a job...this stay at home mom thing IS my job but you know what I mean.  I think that is part of my problem though.  I look at this as my job and feel like I need to get a certain amount accomplished each day.  Like I need to have something to show my husband when he gets home.  "Look honey, this is what I did today!"  He works so hard every single second that he is at work and I just feel like I need to have something to show for my day.  I can't just be like, well, I went and got a mani/pedi for myself today.  Or I spent 2 hours reading blogs just for me.   

On Sunday night I told Lonnie that I was going to take a bath with a glass of wine and let him put Blake to bed.  Well once the time rolled around for me to do that I was so sleepy I just wanted to go to bed!!  UGH!  Maybe I should start getting up earlier than B so I can have an hour to myself?  But I am so not a morning person and at this very moment that would mean getting up at 4...that should be illegal.  

I guess it is just a constant struggle to find the balance in our lives.  Some days I feel like I have this mommy thing down and I am super woman and then other days I feel like I totally suck.  I am still learning...

How do y'all find the balance??? 

My big news!

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas.  I know we did!  It was a busy couple of days and I am worn out.  Apparently Blakely is too because she has slept all day!  I hope she will still sleep well tonight....

Anyway, I said that I had a big announcement, so here it is!

I quit my job!

When I realized that I only had 5 more weeks at home with my girl I kind of freaked out.  I just didn't want to leave her when she was so little.  Lonnie and I talked about it and decided it would be best if I stayed at home.  

I never thought I would be a stay at home mom but now I can't imagine it any other way!  I had good intentions of going back to work although I knew it would be hard to leave her.  I just had no idea how hard.  

No one, and I mean no one, thought I would go back.  I almost felt like I was trying to prove something to someone.  But I didn't really know what I was trying to prove or to whom I was trying to prove it!  Isn't that stupid??  

When I was deciding to do this I just kept going back to the fact that I can always go back to work....anytime I want.  She will only be little once.  I am lucky enough to be able to spend this time with her, so why wouldn't I?  

It was really hard to tell my boss that I wasn't going to come back.  I consider her a friend as well as all of my other co workers.  I already miss them but, like my husband said, I can see them outside of work any time I want.  They are going to be very short handed for a while and I know how awful that is because I have been there when it was understaffed.  They were all very understanding and said that they would do the same thing if they were in my shoes.  That made me feel better.  

I am really excited to have this new job :)  Because, let's be honest, it is totally a job.  I had a hard time keeping up with everything before Blakely was born, so I am really going to have to work hard to do it all AND raise my little babe.  I feel like now I can focus all of my energy on being a good wife and mom now that I don't have to put part of my energy into my hospital job. 

I am also a little scared about this.  I hope that I am good at it?!  I guess I have this vision of what kind of mom and wife I want to be and now that I get to devote all of my attention to it I hope I can live up to my own standards.  When I was working, I always had that as an excuse to not be exactly how I wanted to be.  Well no more excuses! 

I am going to have to get on some sort of schedule because I find myself wanting to stay in my pajamas all day and just cuddle with her!  Maybe the New Year will give me some motivation.  

I know just how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with my little girl and I am not going to take a single second for granted.  My husband works very hard to provide us with this luxury and I appreciate it very much...I love you honey!  

So there it is girls!  I am a stay at home mom.  WOW!!  This is going to be a big change for me but definitely one that I will not regret!

Oh, and any stay at home moms out there with any advice to give...please feel free :)