Negative :(

The pregnancy test was negative.  Of course.

Ugh.  Story of my life.  

I'm heading to the liquor store.  

2 embryos transferred!

I had 2 embryos transferred into my uterus this morning.  I could not be happier!

I got the call yesterday that they had grown and to come in today.  My MIL drove me up there because there was no way Lonnie could cancel his cases for the second day this week.

When I got there all I wanted was to hear how they were doing.  I just needed good news.  We had one 7 cell and one 8 cell embryo.  I nearly cried.  PERFECT NEWS!!!  They are both such strong little embryos...I am so proud of them :)

The transfer itself went very smoothly.  The worst part is having a full bladder with pressure on your bladder from the ultrasound transducer and then a speculum inserted.  Not cool.  It is over quickly thank goodness.  Now I am on bed rest for 2 days.  My MIL is staying here tonight and Lonnie is finally off this weekend.  So we have plenty of help taking care of B.  I hate not being able to play with her.  She doesn't understand and gets upset when I am in the room with her but not able to pick her up.  So I am hibernating downstairs while she plays upstairs.  I miss her tons but she comes down for a kiss every so often.  I have a stack of books so maybe this time will pass quickly.  

I am so happy to be laying here with 2 embryos in my uterus.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  In my life I have only really had 4 chances to become pregnant (because of my eggs)...this being the 4th.  I have hope that this will work.  I have hope that these embabies are little miracles like Blakely and will complete our family.  

This whole process is such an emotional roller coaster.  I really appreciate all of your support during this crazy time!  I know I have been up and down and I thank you for being there with me through it all.  

Now we wait....

I can't even think of a title.

Out of 13 eggs, they were only able to ICSI 3 of them.  Out of those 3, only 2 fertilized normally.  They will call me tomorrow to let me know if those 2 have continued to grow.  

I wasn't able to ask her why only 3 out of the 13 eggs were viable.  I am assuming those were the only "mature" eggs.  I don't know.  I waited around all morning for them to call.  Then I ran to Walg.reens for .004 seconds and she called when I was in line to check out.  Of course.  I'll ask her tomorrow although it doesn't really matter.  

Please let these 2 embryos turn into miracle babies like Blakely.  I am not very hopeful.  I have a terrible feeling that they are going to call me tomorrow and say that they stopped growing and that it is over.  All of this an not even a chance to get pregnant.  I don't know if I can take that.  Please let them keep growing.  Please let them have a chance to be transferred into my uterus.  I can take a negative pregnancy test but I don't know if I can take no embryos at all.  

But maybe they will be miracles like Blakely.  Stay strong little embabies.  Momma is trying to stay strong too.  

Such a downer blog lately.  Sorry for that.  

Lucky 13

They were able to get 13 eggs this morning.  I am hoping 13 is our lucky number.  Blakely was born on the 13th after all!  They are probably making our embryos as I type this.  Please let them fertilize properly and grow grow grow!  

I am hurting.  I just took a pain pill and am headed off to bed.  They will call me in the morning and let me know how many embryos we have and how they are doing.  Step one is over...we got the eggs.  Now on to step two...let's make some babies today!  

Quick update

I first want to thank you all for the sweet and supportive comments on my last post.  You girls lift me up when I am down and I am so thankful for this community of bloggers.  I don't know if I could be going through this without y'all!  

My appointment on Saturday went pretty well.  I saw the actual doctor I am assigned to although they are all great and I end up seeing them all through the IVF cycle.  He did my ultrasound and it looked even better.  I had about 7 follicles on the left and about 4-5 on the right with a number of smaller ones that could still catch up.  He said all was well and he would call me that afternoon with further instructions.  I mentioned that the other doctor said something about canceling the cycle and his exact words were "Oh you must have seen Dr. Doom and Gloom".  I laughed and told him that I called him Dr. Worst Case Scenario.  This doctor, Dr. M, said we would not be canceling and that my response to the meds was about average.  YEA!  

So later that afternoon he called and told me to continue the same medication Saturday night and come back Sunday.  I did and the follicles looked even better yesterday.  When he got my blood work back he said that we were ready for the trigger!  For those who are not familiar with this process, the "trigger shot" is called Ovidrel and it makes you ovulate.  You have to take this at an exact time (10pm for me).  Then you have the egg retrieval 36 hours after the shot.  So my egg retrieval is going to be tomorrow morning at 930.

I am so excited and also so nervous.  I just want to get a good number of eggs.  I am hoping for at least 12-14.  Just for comparison I had 14 with IVF #1, 14 with IVF #2, and 19 with IVF #3.  In order for embryos to be made they have to inject the sperm into my eggs (ICSI).  Since I have thick shells around my eggs (the whole reason for all of this craziness) they can't just put them in a dish and let them fertilize normally.  Anyway, usually about half of the eggs retrieved are able to be fertilized with this process and then half of those continue to grow like they should.

It is taking an army of people for us to coordinate things for tomorrow.  Here is the rundown.  Lonnie has cancelled his cases for tomorrow morning and has someone who is on vacation covering for him for 4 hours in the morning.  My mother is spending the night with us tonight because we have to leave at 645 in the morning.  Juanet, the lady who cleans my house and watches B regularly, will be at my house at 8 so my mom can go to work.  She has to leave at noon so my dad is going to come over and relieve Juanet in case I am not home yet.  Also, my mother in law is coming to the clinic in the morning in case things run long and Lonnie has to leave and come back to work.  If that happens then she will drive me home.  She will be coming to our house no matter what because she is going to take care of Blakely when we get home since I will be out of commission (also known as in pain and on drugs).  So it is taking 5 people plus me and Lonnie to make this happen.  But it is happening.  

I am feeling pretty yucky lately.  I am so bloated and my ovaries are huge and achy.  I have a constant headache and no energy whatsoever.  I am glad we are near the end.  I just want a good result.  

So there ya go.  Egg retrieval tomorrow.  I hope more than anything that we will have babies made tomorrow.  Please please please let us make some babies tomorrow.  If you have a spare minute just send some positive, happy and growing thoughts to my little embabies tomorrow!  I'll try to update when I get home tomorrow afternoon.  

I forgot how hard this was.

IVF is hard.  I mean for real.  I forgot just how hard it was and this time I have a toddler.  Hard.    The hardest thing is how I feel.  I can figure out someone to take care of Blakely at the very last minute when I have appointments.  I can inject myself 4 times per night.  But these damn emotions.  They get me.  

This post will probably be all over the place because that is just how I feel right now.

I was really feeling good about this whole thing.  I mean we have Blakely....that is what matters.  I thought I could focus on that.  I can't really explain how all of these hormones make me feel.  It is like every single thing in my head is the biggest deal.  Every thing is so important even though, rationally, I know it isn't.  For example, I dropped a can of salsa this morning.  Normally I would just clean it up...no big deal.  Well I burst into tears because why do I have to drop the fucking salsa?  Another example.  I forgot to turn the dryer on last night. So now I have to re-wash all of those clothes.  I do this a lot...no big deal.  I got so frustrated this morning.  I was throwing the clothes back in the washer and near tears of frustration.  See?  I know these are stupid things to get worked up over but I get worked up anyway.  I don't have any control over it.  

Then there are the big things that actually do matter.  

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound since starting the stimulation meds.  I had been taking them every night for 5 nights.  Well I watched the ultrasound and I thought it looked okay.  Not the best ever but okay.  I had about 11 follicles that he measured and a few more smaller ones.  After he was finished he took me into his office to talk about how it looked and where we go from here.  The usual.  He started comparing it to my last IVF (#3...the one that worked..obvs).  I am not responding to the meds as well as I did last time.  He said we need more follicles and my estrogen needs to go up higher.  Ok.  Fine.  Let's add more meds.  Then he said he would call me after they got my labs back and he would either up my dose or CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.

I froze.  He had to be kidding.  But he wasn't.  I couldn't even ask him any questions for fear of crying all over his desk.  I just got the heck out of there.  I got to my car and proceeded to cry the entire way home.  An hour drive.  I called Lonnie and I'm not sure I even made any sense on the phone.  He kept telling me it was going to be ok.  He kept saying if this IVF got cancelled then we would just try again.  I know he was trying to make me feel better but I don't want to try again.  I want this one to work.  I am tired of this shit.  I just want to have our babies and move on from this IVF chapter of our lives.  We have been bogged down by infertility for so damn long.  It is exhausting.  I just wish sex made a baby for us.  Is that so much to ask?  

They called me late in the afternoon and said that my estrogen had gone up but it was still a little low.  He decided to up my medication for 2 days and see me back on Saturday.  I am really hoping for a good report tomorrow.  Bigger follicles, more follicles, and higher estrogen.  Please.  

So yeah.  It is a roller coaster.  I knew it was but I forgot just how severe these emotions can be.  By last night I was happy and feeling good about the whole thing again.

The doctor that I saw yesterday has made me cry before.  He is great and probably my favorite but he always prepares you for the worst case scenario.  I hate that.  On our first IVF after our first ultrasound he told me that I would probably only get 5 eggs and maybe no embryos.  I cried the whole way home...it was tragic (in my head anyway).  Well it turns out that by the next ultrasound 2 days later my body had kicked into gear and I had plenty of follicles.  I ended up with 14 eggs at retrieval.  I am hoping he is just telling me worst case scenario this time and it will all work out fine in the end.  At least that is what I am clinging to at this moment.  

 I just wanted this time to be a little easier.  It took 3 years to finally get pregnant with Blakely.  Three really hard years.  Countless timed cycles, too many ovulation tests to count, a million medical tests for both of us, more injections than either of us can remember, 4 IUI's, 3 IVF's, a shit ton of money, and a whole lot of depression.  But it was all worth it.  I would do it all again because she is the best thing that ever happened to us.  I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of having this ridiculous pity party.

weekend + IVF update + dizzy baby

I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound and lab work.  I have been on the lupron shots for a week now.  This appointment is to make sure my ovaries are good and suppressed.  All looked well and we are set to start stims this Saturday.  They had a resident there today so she did my ultrasound.  She scanned for 15 minutes and then told me she was going to have Dr. M come in to scan because she couldn't really see my right ovary.  It took all I had not to reach down there and guide her in the right direction!  I mean...my ovaries are super easy to see...they sit pretty...riiiiiiight where they are supposed to be.  I wanted to help her out but then I thought that would be weird, no?  Anyway, I don't mind letting them learn.  I had to learn once too and I am sure I took forever to find ovaries back then.  Actually, I know I did.  :)

Just say yes to students...and doctor students...

We had a fun weekend...yes, I know it is already Wednesday.  The past 2 days have been a bit hectic.  My brother in law and his family came to stay with us for the weekend.  Kristen, my sister in law, has recently gotten in to running.  She is running a 10K in a few weeks so she signed us up for a 5K to prepare.  Now, let me say, I have NOT been running.  I used to run and I *sort of* enjoy it.  No, that is a lie.  I hate running.  But I LOVE the feeling I have after I run.  So it balances out.  But I just haven't really wanted to run and I know I can't train for a race since we are about to get to the nitty gritty of IVF.  I do about 3 miles on the elliptical 2-3 days a week so I thought that would help me out for this race.  No.  Not at all.  

It has been pretty nice weather here over the past couple of weeks but on race day it was 35! And windy!  Are you kidding me?  Not only do I hate running but I really hate running in the cold.  Me, Lonnie, Marshall, and Kristen all bundled up and headed downtown.  We left the 3 kids with my mother in law...she is a saint.  

Me and Kristen before the race.  

cold

side note.  have I mentioned how happy I am that my honey is rocking the full beard these days?  I love it.  I know it won't last much longer...

Lonnie and I coming down the stretch.  Kristen took this picture because she smoked both of us!  

Even though it was way too cold for me, we still had a great time.  It was something fun for the four of us to do together.  We will definitely run more together.  Hopefully I will be walking the next one because I will be knocked up.  *please*

We all came back home, showered, and decided to head to the horse races for the afternoon.  There is a big race track in my town and we go a few times a year.  It is a fun way to mingle, lose money, run into people you haven't seen in ages, and drink beer!  Then sometimes you run into people you see all the time...the bestest!   :)

That night we ordered some amazeballs Italian food to go and ate family style in my dining room.  All while drinking wine and chatting about whatever came to mind.  It was the best kind of time and I am so thankful to have married into such wonderful and loving family. 

I leave you with this Iknowsheismychildbutthisisthecutestvideoofalltime.  Blakely learned how to turn in circles yesterday.  Dizzy baby.  

A few appointments

Last week I took Blakely to her 15 month check up.  I never worry about taking her to these visits because she loves people and she is never scared.  

Well consider me worried about the next one!  

My sweet girl started screaming from the second we walked into the room until we walked out of the room at the end.  Geez.  

You should have seen me and the nurse trying to get her to be still so her head could be measured.  It was not fun.  Not fun at all.  

I am sure most of these appointments are the same everywhere.  The nurse checks her weight, height, and head circumference.  She leaves and the doctor comes in and does his thing.  Listens to her heart/lungs, mashes on her belly, looks in her ears and mouth, and takes any questions, etc.  Then nurse comes back in with shots.  Done.  

After her stats were taken and she had completely flipped her shit, I texted Lonnie and told him.  He blew me off (because she never acts like that) until he called and could hear her still screaming.  I'm not even kidding when I tell you that it took me a good 10 minutes to get her to chill.  Crackers, water, milk, books, and even my CELL PHONE would not do the trick.  I was sweating like a crazy person.  

Then our pedi comes in.  Blakely is not scared of other people.  She waves and grins at every single person in Walm.art...to the point where our trips there take twice as long as they should because of all the old people we have to chat with.  Well, as soon as she sees Dr. W she flips her shit again.  He and I had to talk over her the whole time.  The only time she wasn't actively screaming was when he let her play with his stethoscope.  But as soon as he tried to touch her with it, the jig was up.  You should have seen him trying to look in her mouth!  She hates that.  I have no clue how many teeth she has because she won't let me look.  Once I finally corralled all of her limbs and he pried her mouth open, he said, "Wow, she is getting a full set of molars and a few others too!"  Yeah, maybe that is why she is so sassy and cranky these days.

Thank goodness this visit was short.  I didn't have any questions and everything looked great for B.  He could tell that I was shocked by how B reacted to being there.  I just couldn't believe she was so freaked out!  He said this visit is always the hardest and she was acting completely normal for a 15 month check up.  I just laughed and thought no way in hell am I bringing her to the 18 month check up without Lonnie...no way in hell.  These toddlers are totally unpredictable.  

this is how Lonnie found us when he got home from work that day.  on the kitchen floor...just surviving until he got there....

She actually did pretty good with the shots.  I think she had just screamed herself out already so she didn't have much left in her.  

Good news is that our girl is doing wonderfully!  She has always been in the 50th percentile for height and weight.  She stayed there for weight this time but she jumped to the 90th percentile for height!   I knew she had gotten tall when she started pulling things off of the counter.  She is 32 inches tall and 22 pounds 10 ounces.  He asked me how many words she says and I had to think for a minute.  I've never really counted or known a number.  I did a quick rundown in my head and guessed about 10.  Once I had more time to think about it I think it might be more but I'm not sure.  I'll make a list for her 16 month post in a few weeks.  I am so happy to have a healthy growing girl.  I know how lucky we are to have her!  

As soon as this appointment was over, B and I got in the car and drove to my appointment (for IVF #4).  I had to go in for day 3 labs.  I had my mother in law meet me at the clinic because I knew it would turn into more than just labs and there is no way I can have B there with me.  MIL entertained her while I was getting labs, ultrasound, and a trial transfer.  He said we needed to to the trial transfer because everything is different in there since I had a baby.  No kidding.  

Anyway, everything looked great!  I got to start taking the birth control pills about a week ago (right after that appointment).  I start Lupron injections on the 13th.  On the 20th, I go in for labs to make sure I am suppressed and then we can start with the stimulation meds.  It is looking like a retrieval the first week of March and then a transfer soon after that.  My birthday is March 17th so hopefully I will be getting great news around that time!  

Sweet story....  There weren't that many people at the clinic that day, which is totally amazing.  I had told my MIL if more than one couple came into the waiting room to take Blakely out into the hallway.  (You know, because people who are trying to have a baby don't really need a baby shoved in their face). They are always so busy so I figured MIL and B were outside or in the car or something.  Well, when I was having my lab drawn the girl asked me if I was the mother of the dancing baby in the waiting room.  It took me a second and then I thought YES!  Yes, I'm sure I am!  Before I went back out there, I peeked around the corner and, sure enough, Blakely had MIL's phone, with the music turned on, shaking her booty all around the waiting room.  It was adorable.  There were no other couples out there thank goodness.  I'm sure I worry about that too much but I just try to think how I would have felt before I had Blakely.  Anyway, I am the mother of the dancing baby in the waiting room.  so awesome.  Hopefully soon, I'll be pregnant with another little dancer :)

always carrying around Nanabob's phone....

We are going to do it...IVF #4

After talking with Lonnie, we decided to go ahead with IVF #4 to expand our family.  We did not see any reason to wait a few months.  I mean...what would we be waiting for?  January and February are pretty slow months for us so it just makes sense.  We have vacations already planned for April and May so we don't want to wait until then and have to worry about that.  

We had an appointment on Tuesday to discuss things with the doctor.  I thought it was not necessary but I am actually glad they made us come in for a consult.  

We talked to Dr. M about some medication changes.  I wanted to do the same thing we did for our third IVF that was successful.  On that cycle I took Follistim and Luveris together and I had not done that previously...just the Follistim.  He said that they do not make Luveris anymore so I would need to take Menopur, which I have heard of through blogs but have never taken.  Menopur is made to be taken with Bravelle, another med that I have never taken.  So I can either take Follistim & Menopur (not made to be mixed together so it would mean another shot), or Bravelle & Menopur (made to be mixed together so only one shot).  

The reason I didn't take Bravelle and Menopur the first three IVF's is because I had insurance coverage and they only paid for Follistim.  I have since met my lifetime infertility max on my insurance so nothing is covered for this cycle.  Wonderful.  I do realize how lucky we were to have any coverage at all so I am trying not to be frustrated with that.  But writing that very large check was hard....but will be so worth it I know.  

He basically left it up to us as to which meds to take.  He said they use the Bravelle and Menopur combo with most of their IVF's because it is cheaper but, in his experience, there is no difference in ovarian response between the two medications.  I am not sure how to decide this.  I just want to respond well and have plenty of eggs.  I responded well with the Folli so I am a bit nervous to try something new.  But if this is what they use most of the time and have success then why not use that and save a few bucks?  I just don't know...  If any of you have taken both of these medications, could you tell a difference?  Did you have a different response?  

So the plan is this...

I will call them when I start my period.  I am on day 18 of my cycle right now.  I will go in for labs on day 3.  Since I haven't had day 3 labs since 2010 they want to just check my hormones and make sure I will respond to the meds in a similar fashion.  As long as that looks good I will start birth control pills on day 5.  The IVF nurse will send me a calendar and get my meds ordered that day.  I have to decide on what medication (Follistim vs. Bravelle) by then.  I guess I will do some research and have Lonnie do the same.  I'm just not sure how to decide.  

I am excited and totally nervous at the same time.  I feel like a seasoned IVF veteran.  I know what to expect so I do think that helps me.  I know what to expect so I think that stresses me as well!  I'm definitely not looking forward to that huge bloated feeling or getting a needle shoved through my vagina multiple times.  Ouch.  But I will do whatever it takes.  I can do this and I will do this.  I am excited and hopeful that this can work.

We are not keeping this as much of a secret as we did with the FET.  I mean we aren't shouting it from the rooftops (or blasting it on FB or Ins.tagram) but some family members and some friends will know.  I have to have help with B while going through all of this since there are so many appointments involved.

There ya go.  IVF #4 will be underway in about 10-14 days.  

My hope for this cycle is this.  I hope that I respond well to the medication and they are able to retrieve many eggs.  (I have had 14,14, and 19 eggs retrieved before).  I hope they are able to make healthy embryos.  I hope this is the cycle that I get pregnant with Blakely's sibling.  I hope getting someone to watch Blakely through all of this is easy.  I hope that Lonnie getting off of work for the necessary appointments is easy.  I hope I am able to stay calm and not get too stressed out about any one little thing.  I hope I stay sane and stay nice to my husband.

I just hope this works!