Blakely's Easter basket

I thought I would link up with Sarah today and show you guys Blakely's Easter basket!  She is hosting an Easter Basket Showcase link party.  How fun!  

I have been collecting things for her basket over the past month or so.  Just little things that I know she would like and a few things that she "needed".  

Of course she is getting more Easter gel stickers.  I end up finding these gel stickers all over the house.  

Lots of books

Bracelets.  Because she is obsessed.  

I thought she might like these pinwheels if we stick them in the yard and watch them spin.  

She already has the cow that matches these.  We are working on a collection ;)

I got her another "toob" of animals.  I talked about them a little bit here.  I think I am going to put an animal in each plastic egg that she hunts.  She will freaking love that.  

Some small bath toys.  Her favorite will be the starfish!  

Obviously she needed this bathing suit.  Duh.  

And this dress.  Don't tell my husband!  

There are a few little other things in the basket as well.  A couple of new t-shirts, some of those magic grow things that grow when you put them in water, and a *tiny* bit of chocolate.  

Here is the basket all put together.  I just put everything in this rubber beach bag that I got for her beach toys.  I am so ready for our trip!  

We are spending Easter at my mom's house and I am looking forward to it.  My family hasn't gotten together since Christmas so it should be fun.  Mostly everyone wants to see Blakely. ;)  I can't wait for her to hunt Easter eggs!  

it's just another photo dump post

I feel like I have done quite a few catch up posts lately.  Also known as "photo dumping pictures of my child" posts.  But, I can't help it.  I have a few "meaningful" posts in my drafts but I haven't been able to find the time to finish them up.  So here is a catch up before I bombard you with all of the fun Easter crafts I have planned for this week!  

I had a birthday and I spent it with my two favorite people!  

Blakely started gymnastics!  OMG what fun that is.  She loves jumping on the trampoline and walking on the balance beam.  She isn't really into the "warming up"...she just wants to run around like a crazy person.  Cutest thing ever.  Know what isn't so cute?  Trying to leave gymnastics....talk about flop down freak outs....

I took B to the park last week because the weather was nice.  I didn't realize it was spring break.  Shoot me.  We had to stay though because she was enthralled with all of the people there.  Blakely had a great time.  She wouldn't let me or any of the other kids help her.  She was Miss Independent.  She probably went down the slide 50 times.  Such a big girl!  In other park news, I nearly throat punched a little boy for running over Blakely 50 times, trying to push her down, AND spitting on the slide so no one could go down.  All in front of his mother who was busy on her phone (in her defense she was 17...maximum).  Because of this boy I slammed my shin into a metal rod while running to make sure he didn't push her off the steps.  I would show you the hideous black and purple bruise that covers my entire lower leg but my legs haven't been shaved in three days.  No, I lied, three months.  Anyway, she had fun!

Look at all those people MOM!

We recently accomplished our first big girl ponytail.  

I mentioned in B's 17 month post that she is obsessed with shoes.  This is how she came walking out of my closet the other day....

I went to an all day bachelorette party this past Saturday.  I learned one thing during this party.  I AM OLD!  Seriously.  It is sad.  We got pedicures, had lunch and then went to the race track all day.  After the races were over we went to dinner and then out for drinks.  I was ready for bed before dinner.  Oh how my 25 year old self would laugh!  It was a great time with friends, although, I am still recovering.  

Terrible picture but that is what you get in a dark and smoky bar....

That is all the catch up I have.  B is waking up from her nap wayyyyy too early.  Happy Monday!  

day dates

Recently Lonnie and I have been making an effort to go on more dates.  A few months ago we had a talk about how we sometimes just felt like we lived together and didn't really spend much time together.  I would say we were in a rut.  We decided that spending time together, just the two of us, needed to become a priority.

We realized that we needed to change our idea of a date.  Going out to dinner was just too hard.  I felt like I had to get all fancy (took too much time).  He felt too tired after working all day.  We would get to the restaurant, eat and then look at each other like ok let's go home and go to bed!  We came to the conclusion that we needed to go out when we had energy and do something that didn't require getting dressed up.  DAY DATES!  

Day dates were the perfect fix.  We could do something fun during the day...like when the sun was out!  Genius, really.  My mother in law comes to town about once a week so we decided to start having her come on Saturdays.  If she couldn't then we would have a date on Sunday's while B was at my mom's house.  Sunday wasn't an option until football season was over ;)

For the past 6 or 7 weeks we have had a day date once a week.  This has helped us tremendously.  We weren't in a bad spot or anything.  I just missed my husband.  I missed dating him!  We used to do all kinds of fun things together and it has become hard to put us first since adding one to our family.  I know how important it is for us to keep a healthy relationship and that is the very best thing for Blakely.  Spending time with him has been good for my soul.  He is my best friend and he "gets" me like no one else.  He would say he likes it...not sure he would say it was good for his soul ;)

Here are a few of the things we have done!

We went to see the movie Lincoln.  LOVED.  We are both history nerds and he is a total movie buff so I knew we would like it.  I cried, of course, even though I knew what was going to happen.  Great movie.  We hadn't been to an actual movie in a while.  I felt like a teenager holding his hand and stealing kisses.  We may have acted like teenagers.  

We played pool.  Actually, he taught me how to play pool.  People in there were staring at us because they were all regulars (on an early Friday afternoon?) and we just looked funny hopping in there for pool and some drinks.

One Saturday we went downtown to a gun show and then we went to to a shooting range to shoot our guns.  I had never been to a gun show before and was not all that excited to go.  I am not comfortable around guns but Lonnie was raised around them and likes having them.  A few years ago all of his guns (most were given to him by his dad) were stolen.  Since then he has wanted to sort of rebuild his small collection.  The gun show turned out to be very interesting.  It is very safe.  They have zip ties on all of the guns so the triggers can't even be pulled and all the guns that are brought in by patrons are emptied and zip tied.  That made me feel better.  Anyway, then we went and shot the few guns that we have.  I have only shot them once before so I was a bit nervous.  It turned out to be super fun!  I like knowing how to shoot in case I ever need too (hope not!).

We went to see Silver Linings Playbook.  We were going to do something outside but it was pouring rain the day of our date.  We had been wanting to see a few more of the Academy Award nominated films so to the movies we went.  We both really liked this movie.  There were a few times I was thinking ok...on with it.  But all in all it was great.  Sometimes it was even hard to watch.  It was the kind of movie that you are still thinking about days later.  Good.  

We go all out at the movies.  Popcorn, hot dogs, drinks, and candy!  

He took me to the driving range.  I haven't hit golf balls in like 20 years.  That makes me sound old.  We had a great time.  He used to golf a lot so he was trying to teach me how to hit the ball.  After a while I got the hang of it.  

These dates have been so much fun and I can't wait for our next one.  We missed a few weeks with all of the IVF stuff going on.  He is already planning a few for when the weather warms up and I have a few in mind as well.  I feel like I am dating my husband again..almost like it was back in the beginning.  Excited to see him on our date...even though I see him everyday...it is different.  We can focus on each other and, most importantly, HAVE FUN TOGETHER!  

Reflecting and Moving Forward

I am still pretty sad about this failed IVF cycle.  I am trying to move forward but I think I do need to grieve a little bit.  I thought if I wrote down all of my feelings that would help.  

The main thing that hurts my heart is that I don't know if we are going to be able to expand our family like we so desperately want to do.  I guess I feel like if we try again that will be our last time and that scares the crap out of me.  I really wanted this one to work so we wouldn't have to face that last try.  There is just so much pressure knowing that could be our last attempt.  There is already so much pressure during IVF to begin with, I am not sure I could handle it.  I mean you saw how emotional I was through this whole process.  Could you imagine adding to that?

I am also sad that this didn't work for reasons surrounding Blakely.  I weaned her at 12 1/2 months.  One of the main reasons I weaned her was so we could try for a second child.  Well here we are 6 months later (2 frozen embryos transferred in December and 2 fresh embryos this time) and not pregnant.  Now I am not saying that I would still be nursing her.  I don't know.  But I did feel pressure to hurry up and get her weaned so we could move forward.  The pressure came from myself, of course.  I guess I feel like it could have been a slower process.  

Also, the thought of never nursing another baby pretty much breaks my heart.  Into a million pieces.  I knew when I was pregnant with Blakely and throughout her entire life that I may not ever get to do this again.  I did, and continue to, soak up every second and enjoy every little thing.  I want to do it again.  I want to do it again so very badly.  

The IVF process is hard on my marriage.  It doesn't put my marriage in jeopardy or anything like that, but it is just a really hard thing for Lonnie and I to have to go through.  Not only the logistics of it (easier for me than him) but the emotional crazy person that I become when pumped full of hormones is hard on me AND him.  I just want us to move on from this phase in our lives.  We have had this huge burden with us for so long.  I want us to not have to worry about infertility anymore.  I am sure we will replace that worry with something else and that is just fine.  I am tired of this specific worry.  

When we were trying to get pregnant for the first time I went through some really tough times.  I was depressed.  I withdrew from my friends.  I did not want to go out and socialize ever.  Mostly because when you are meeting people the first thing they ask you is "Do you have any kids?"  Then everyone who has kids has a ton to talk about and I ended up feeling left out.  I avoided those situations at all costs.  My main concern when we decided to try for baby #2 was getting back into that funk.  I was very scared of that.  I have to say that when our FET failed in December I was ok.  I was sad for a minute but I was ok.  I knew we could do another IVF...we had another option.  Now that this option has failed I am feeling myself being pulled back into that dark place.  I can recognize that in myself and do something about it.  

So, moving forward, I am going to focus on what I do have.  I realize even more than I did before what a miracle Blakely is.  We are so lucky to have her in our lives and she is beyond amazing.  She is loving, smart, funny, and beautiful!  How incredible that she is our daughter.  I know there are some that struggle with infertility and never get their miracle.  We got ours and I am so grateful for that.  I am also grateful that I found such a wonderful man to marry me.  He works so hard to provide a great life for our little family.  I could not ask for anything more.  I am moved to tears almost every night when I (secretly) listen/watch over the monitor while he is putting her to bed.  He sings, she giggles, he reads, she cuddles, he talks, she talks.  They have such a wonderful relationship already.   

I want to thank you for your kind words over the past few days.  You guys are amazing and I don't know what I would do without your support.  I promise...no more sad posts from me!  I am moving on and getting happy!  

Negative :(

The pregnancy test was negative.  Of course.

Ugh.  Story of my life.  

I'm heading to the liquor store.  

17

Blakely is 17 months old today!  I've resigned myself to the fact that she is rapidly becoming a little girl.  It is amazing to watch really.  Here are a few of my favorite pics from this month.  

She climbed into his shirt and was soooo proud of herself!

Her big things this month.  

• Girl is obsessed with shoes.  All shoes.  My shoes, her shoes, or Lonnie's shoes.  Shoe was actually one of her first words...it sounds like ISH.  Her new favorite is to put on our shoes and walk around in them.  She thinks this is hilarious.  Also, wearing shoes with pajamas is cool too.  

so excited...

• She is also obsessed with bracelets or "pretties".  This is my aunt Jenni's fault.  She always wears bracelets and Blakely has played with them since she was months old.  I have given up on keeping any of my bracelets to myself.  The other day we were outside playing and she was running around like a wild child.  But girlfriend kept her left wrist raised up the whole time so her pretties wouldn't fall off.  Smart.  

• She is for real interested in the potty.  I am not sure what to do about it.  I still feel like she is too young to quite understand but then I also don't want to miss our opportunity to teach her about it either.  I guess I need to read a book.  Anytime I use the bathroom this is what she does.  I mean....this is hilarious!

• She loves fruit.  Especially berries.  Her favorites are strawberries, raspberries and blackberries.  She will eat a carton of raspberries in one sitting easily.  

• I am looking into getting her started in gymnastics.  My friend told me they can start when they are 18 months.  I think she is ready, don't you?

Hi mom!

• She went to her very first birthday party this month!  She had such a great time.  It was for our sweet friend Eli.  Katie did the party in a camping theme and everything was so adorable.  She had a huge tent set up and I swear B ran in and out of that thing 200 times.  

• Her vocabulary expands by the day it seems.  I can ask her to say a word and she tries to repeat it.  Most of the time it sounds pretty close.  Her newest 2 words are yellow (ya-yo) and purple (puhpuh).  Her most frequently used word is uh-oh.  
• I am working on teaching her shapes right now.  She can pick out a heart every time, star and diamond about half of the time.  For some reason circle, square, and triangle go right over her head.  The flashcards I have are the shape on the front and then an object in that shape on the back so she calls the square a cracker.  Then we have to eat a cracker so that is the end of the the shape lesson!
• Animals are still a big favorite around here.  I found these "toobs" (no idea why they spell it like that) of animals on Am.azon and at Mich.aels.  They are pretty small but she doesn't really put anything in her mouth anymore so I don't worry about it.  I also don't keep them out.  We put them up and bring them out to play when she wants to.  

We have this one which is pets.  We also have the jungle and ocean animals.  I can't really explain how much she loves these little animals!  They have other things besides animals as well.  I have the "on the road" toob (different types of cars, trucks, etc), "in the water" toob (types of boats, submarines, etc) and "in the air" toob (planes, hot air balloons, helicopters, etc).  We have a book of first words and her favorite page is the one with all of the tractors, trucks, boats, cars, and trains so I thought she would like these toobs as well.  I haven't given them all to her yet.  I'll be waiting for a rainy day :)

This girl makes us so happy.  After she goes to bed at night Lonnie and I sit around and talk about how great she is and how happy she makes us.  We are so lucky to be her parents!  She makes us laugh constantly.  She has such a little personality.  I look forward to watching that little personality grow and grow!  Happy 17 months Blakely!  

Lately

So bed rest will drive a person crazy.  The good news is that I have come to the conclusion that this household could not possibly function without me.  At one point on Saturday evening this is what was occurring here.  
1.  Phone ringing
2.  Dogs barking
3.  Blakely running around screaming at the top of her lungs (normal, right?)
4.  Mother in law chasing Blakely around trying to catch her so she can feed her dinner (unsuccessfully)
5.  Doorbell ringing
6.  Music blaring on mother in law's phone that Blakely is carrying around with her.  
7.  Text alerts going off on my phone
8.  Oven timer dinging

All of this while I was laying flat on the couch unable to attend to any of these things.  Drove me bonkers but I couldn't help but laugh.  It is so hard to stay flat when there is so much that needs to be done in your house.  

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good.  I am 4 days post 3 day transfer.  That translates (sort of) to 7 days past ovulation.  I am just hoping that those little babes hung on tight in there and are growing growing growing.  I have my blood test on Monday...the day after my birthday.  Hoping for a fantastic birthday present!

On Sunday morning Blakely started running a fever.  We gave her medicine and it came down just fine.  Late that afternoon it spiked up to 104.3.  Not cool at all.  She just wanted to lay in the recliner with me which is so not like her at all.  We put her in a cool bath to try to cool her down until the medicine could kick in.  She slept in our bed that night because I was worried about her fever spiking again.  

serious bed head...

It did.  Yesterday she seemed fine though.  No fever until last night.  This morning she didn't have a fever but she obviously did not feel well.  She just wanted to lay in the bed with me.  I think she would have done that all day.  

We decided to take her in to see the doctor since she was obviously not feeling well even with her fever down.  He thinks she has a virus called roseola.  But if she doesn't break out in the rash that goes along with that tomorrow or the next day then I have to take her back in on Friday to be tested for mono.  Argh.  I hate when she is sick.  Really I do.  Although I LOVE the snuggles.  And we have been doing lots of that!  

The appointment started by Blakely peeing on me in the waiting room.  I have no clue what happened.  I just felt something warm while she was sitting on me and sure enough it came straight out of the diaper.  That has never happened before.  I didn't have a change of clothes for her (or me) so we just hung out and smelled like pee.  Cool

We were there for a while so we had a bit of fun taking some pictures.  She gives the best kisses ever!  On the bottom left picture she is showing off her boo boo...where they drew her blood.  

Lonnie is off work this week as long as his partner's wife doesn't go into labor.  She is 37 weeks with twins.  We have lots of plans of things to get done around the house and in the yard.  The weather has been great here and it is giving us all spring fever.  I am hoping the next 5 days go by really fast!  

2 embryos transferred!

I had 2 embryos transferred into my uterus this morning.  I could not be happier!

I got the call yesterday that they had grown and to come in today.  My MIL drove me up there because there was no way Lonnie could cancel his cases for the second day this week.

When I got there all I wanted was to hear how they were doing.  I just needed good news.  We had one 7 cell and one 8 cell embryo.  I nearly cried.  PERFECT NEWS!!!  They are both such strong little embryos...I am so proud of them :)

The transfer itself went very smoothly.  The worst part is having a full bladder with pressure on your bladder from the ultrasound transducer and then a speculum inserted.  Not cool.  It is over quickly thank goodness.  Now I am on bed rest for 2 days.  My MIL is staying here tonight and Lonnie is finally off this weekend.  So we have plenty of help taking care of B.  I hate not being able to play with her.  She doesn't understand and gets upset when I am in the room with her but not able to pick her up.  So I am hibernating downstairs while she plays upstairs.  I miss her tons but she comes down for a kiss every so often.  I have a stack of books so maybe this time will pass quickly.  

I am so happy to be laying here with 2 embryos in my uterus.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  In my life I have only really had 4 chances to become pregnant (because of my eggs)...this being the 4th.  I have hope that this will work.  I have hope that these embabies are little miracles like Blakely and will complete our family.  

This whole process is such an emotional roller coaster.  I really appreciate all of your support during this crazy time!  I know I have been up and down and I thank you for being there with me through it all.  

Now we wait....

I can't even think of a title.

Out of 13 eggs, they were only able to ICSI 3 of them.  Out of those 3, only 2 fertilized normally.  They will call me tomorrow to let me know if those 2 have continued to grow.  

I wasn't able to ask her why only 3 out of the 13 eggs were viable.  I am assuming those were the only "mature" eggs.  I don't know.  I waited around all morning for them to call.  Then I ran to Walg.reens for .004 seconds and she called when I was in line to check out.  Of course.  I'll ask her tomorrow although it doesn't really matter.  

Please let these 2 embryos turn into miracle babies like Blakely.  I am not very hopeful.  I have a terrible feeling that they are going to call me tomorrow and say that they stopped growing and that it is over.  All of this an not even a chance to get pregnant.  I don't know if I can take that.  Please let them keep growing.  Please let them have a chance to be transferred into my uterus.  I can take a negative pregnancy test but I don't know if I can take no embryos at all.  

But maybe they will be miracles like Blakely.  Stay strong little embabies.  Momma is trying to stay strong too.  

Such a downer blog lately.  Sorry for that.  

Lucky 13

They were able to get 13 eggs this morning.  I am hoping 13 is our lucky number.  Blakely was born on the 13th after all!  They are probably making our embryos as I type this.  Please let them fertilize properly and grow grow grow!  

I am hurting.  I just took a pain pill and am headed off to bed.  They will call me in the morning and let me know how many embryos we have and how they are doing.  Step one is over...we got the eggs.  Now on to step two...let's make some babies today!  

Quick update

I first want to thank you all for the sweet and supportive comments on my last post.  You girls lift me up when I am down and I am so thankful for this community of bloggers.  I don't know if I could be going through this without y'all!  

My appointment on Saturday went pretty well.  I saw the actual doctor I am assigned to although they are all great and I end up seeing them all through the IVF cycle.  He did my ultrasound and it looked even better.  I had about 7 follicles on the left and about 4-5 on the right with a number of smaller ones that could still catch up.  He said all was well and he would call me that afternoon with further instructions.  I mentioned that the other doctor said something about canceling the cycle and his exact words were "Oh you must have seen Dr. Doom and Gloom".  I laughed and told him that I called him Dr. Worst Case Scenario.  This doctor, Dr. M, said we would not be canceling and that my response to the meds was about average.  YEA!  

So later that afternoon he called and told me to continue the same medication Saturday night and come back Sunday.  I did and the follicles looked even better yesterday.  When he got my blood work back he said that we were ready for the trigger!  For those who are not familiar with this process, the "trigger shot" is called Ovidrel and it makes you ovulate.  You have to take this at an exact time (10pm for me).  Then you have the egg retrieval 36 hours after the shot.  So my egg retrieval is going to be tomorrow morning at 930.

I am so excited and also so nervous.  I just want to get a good number of eggs.  I am hoping for at least 12-14.  Just for comparison I had 14 with IVF #1, 14 with IVF #2, and 19 with IVF #3.  In order for embryos to be made they have to inject the sperm into my eggs (ICSI).  Since I have thick shells around my eggs (the whole reason for all of this craziness) they can't just put them in a dish and let them fertilize normally.  Anyway, usually about half of the eggs retrieved are able to be fertilized with this process and then half of those continue to grow like they should.

It is taking an army of people for us to coordinate things for tomorrow.  Here is the rundown.  Lonnie has cancelled his cases for tomorrow morning and has someone who is on vacation covering for him for 4 hours in the morning.  My mother is spending the night with us tonight because we have to leave at 645 in the morning.  Juanet, the lady who cleans my house and watches B regularly, will be at my house at 8 so my mom can go to work.  She has to leave at noon so my dad is going to come over and relieve Juanet in case I am not home yet.  Also, my mother in law is coming to the clinic in the morning in case things run long and Lonnie has to leave and come back to work.  If that happens then she will drive me home.  She will be coming to our house no matter what because she is going to take care of Blakely when we get home since I will be out of commission (also known as in pain and on drugs).  So it is taking 5 people plus me and Lonnie to make this happen.  But it is happening.  

I am feeling pretty yucky lately.  I am so bloated and my ovaries are huge and achy.  I have a constant headache and no energy whatsoever.  I am glad we are near the end.  I just want a good result.  

So there ya go.  Egg retrieval tomorrow.  I hope more than anything that we will have babies made tomorrow.  Please please please let us make some babies tomorrow.  If you have a spare minute just send some positive, happy and growing thoughts to my little embabies tomorrow!  I'll try to update when I get home tomorrow afternoon.  

I forgot how hard this was.

IVF is hard.  I mean for real.  I forgot just how hard it was and this time I have a toddler.  Hard.    The hardest thing is how I feel.  I can figure out someone to take care of Blakely at the very last minute when I have appointments.  I can inject myself 4 times per night.  But these damn emotions.  They get me.  

This post will probably be all over the place because that is just how I feel right now.

I was really feeling good about this whole thing.  I mean we have Blakely....that is what matters.  I thought I could focus on that.  I can't really explain how all of these hormones make me feel.  It is like every single thing in my head is the biggest deal.  Every thing is so important even though, rationally, I know it isn't.  For example, I dropped a can of salsa this morning.  Normally I would just clean it up...no big deal.  Well I burst into tears because why do I have to drop the fucking salsa?  Another example.  I forgot to turn the dryer on last night. So now I have to re-wash all of those clothes.  I do this a lot...no big deal.  I got so frustrated this morning.  I was throwing the clothes back in the washer and near tears of frustration.  See?  I know these are stupid things to get worked up over but I get worked up anyway.  I don't have any control over it.  

Then there are the big things that actually do matter.  

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound since starting the stimulation meds.  I had been taking them every night for 5 nights.  Well I watched the ultrasound and I thought it looked okay.  Not the best ever but okay.  I had about 11 follicles that he measured and a few more smaller ones.  After he was finished he took me into his office to talk about how it looked and where we go from here.  The usual.  He started comparing it to my last IVF (#3...the one that worked..obvs).  I am not responding to the meds as well as I did last time.  He said we need more follicles and my estrogen needs to go up higher.  Ok.  Fine.  Let's add more meds.  Then he said he would call me after they got my labs back and he would either up my dose or CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.

I froze.  He had to be kidding.  But he wasn't.  I couldn't even ask him any questions for fear of crying all over his desk.  I just got the heck out of there.  I got to my car and proceeded to cry the entire way home.  An hour drive.  I called Lonnie and I'm not sure I even made any sense on the phone.  He kept telling me it was going to be ok.  He kept saying if this IVF got cancelled then we would just try again.  I know he was trying to make me feel better but I don't want to try again.  I want this one to work.  I am tired of this shit.  I just want to have our babies and move on from this IVF chapter of our lives.  We have been bogged down by infertility for so damn long.  It is exhausting.  I just wish sex made a baby for us.  Is that so much to ask?  

They called me late in the afternoon and said that my estrogen had gone up but it was still a little low.  He decided to up my medication for 2 days and see me back on Saturday.  I am really hoping for a good report tomorrow.  Bigger follicles, more follicles, and higher estrogen.  Please.  

So yeah.  It is a roller coaster.  I knew it was but I forgot just how severe these emotions can be.  By last night I was happy and feeling good about the whole thing again.

The doctor that I saw yesterday has made me cry before.  He is great and probably my favorite but he always prepares you for the worst case scenario.  I hate that.  On our first IVF after our first ultrasound he told me that I would probably only get 5 eggs and maybe no embryos.  I cried the whole way home...it was tragic (in my head anyway).  Well it turns out that by the next ultrasound 2 days later my body had kicked into gear and I had plenty of follicles.  I ended up with 14 eggs at retrieval.  I am hoping he is just telling me worst case scenario this time and it will all work out fine in the end.  At least that is what I am clinging to at this moment.  

 I just wanted this time to be a little easier.  It took 3 years to finally get pregnant with Blakely.  Three really hard years.  Countless timed cycles, too many ovulation tests to count, a million medical tests for both of us, more injections than either of us can remember, 4 IUI's, 3 IVF's, a shit ton of money, and a whole lot of depression.  But it was all worth it.  I would do it all again because she is the best thing that ever happened to us.  I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of having this ridiculous pity party.