It's done!

The transfer went great this morning!  

My phone rang at 7:15 this morning and it was the embryology lab calling to confirm that I was in town and would be making it to the transfer. I said yes and then she said "Okay then. We will start the thawing process now and see you in a bit".  

I started crying when she hung up. Like blubbering, snorting hard core crying. It took me 10 minutes to get it together. It completely caught me off guard. I think the reality of it all just hit me.  It wasn't a sad cry but a super happy one. A thankful cry. A grateful cry.  I called Lonnie and he made me feel that much better. 

We headed over to the clinic and the first thing they did was give me a Valium so my uterus wouldn't cramp after the transfer. Then I just had to wait. I closed my eyes and listened to my meditations for a while and then the embryologist came in. He told me that both embryos did great during the thawing process and they were "expanding nicely".  Such great news! I texted that to Lonnie and then listened to more meditations. 

My lucky socks from my awesome Bridget!  Dr. S even commented on my crazy socks. I told them they were lucky even though they were Steelers colors!  ;)

Soon after talking to Lonnie the sonographer, Dr. S, and the embryologist came in to start the transfer process. I got to see the embryos on his computer screen before he drew them up in the catheter.  I liked that!  It isn't painful at all but is uncomfortable. Mainly because you have a full bladder. The sonographer is pressing on your bladder with the transducer and you have a speculum in so you pretty much feel like you're going to pee everwhere!  

Once the embryos were in I laid there for an hour. I listened to more meditations and dozed off most of the time. 

Now I am back at the hotel snuggling up with my two sweet embryos and the two peeps Blakely sent with me. 

Now I just lay here and wait. I am just so happy to be in this place right now. Hang in there babies and stick stick stick!  

Ready!

Tomorrow is the day!  We will be transferring 2 beautiful, wonderful and perfect embryos.  I am so very ready to do this thing.  Nervous, yes.  But more than anything I am excited.  We have been working towards this specific goal for almost 10 months.  Part of me can't believe we are actually here and doing this.  I just think back to December when Lonnie and I decided that we had to make a move on what we wanted to do regarding having another baby.  And now here we are with 3 frozen day 5 blasts.  Amazing.  

I'll update tomorrow on how things go!  Here we go!  

Freak mode

I just got the call today that we are all set for our frozen embryo transfer for next Friday.  Holy moly I am so nervous and so freaking excited at the same time!  I am ready ready ready to do this thing.  My body screams that it is ready and in my heart I know this is going to be great. 

A few days ago I went into total freak mode.  You see, I can not get sick.  That would be no good, terrible awful.  So I pulled Blakely from MDO this week and we have been hibernating.  The very last thing we did that required being in contact with other people (besides the close fam) was dance class on Tuesday night.  Since then we have not left the house much.  And when we do I am a hand washing/sanitizing crazy person.  I had to go with my mom to the hospital to have her cardioversion done and I am pretty sure she wishes she would have left me at home due to the number of times I threw sanitizer on her hands or told her not to touch something.  It really has overcome me.  

I make Lonnie strip down at the door when he gets home and then shower before touching either of us.  He is ready for me to leave for sure!  I had to leave Blakely with my aunt while I went to the doctor for labs and made her wash her hands before touching Blakely...and no kisses.  I mean I am driving myself crazy so I know these people want to yell at me to chill the eff out.  

But I can't.  This is too important.  We are so close to the end goal of getting these sweet embryos into my uterus.  

I will be that girl wearing a mask on the airplane...the germiest of germy places on the planet (We can just call it the germ tube if you like).  Ugh, shivers just thinking about that.  My aunt is going with me and I will be making her wear one as well.  I am sure she will be thrilled.  Love you Jenni and sorry but thank you for coming and taking care of me while I am on bed rest!  

Oh dear readers...we are almost there.  We have been working towards this transfer since January, almost nine whole months.  This summer has been insane and part of me thinks it has been the worst one ever.  But then I remember that this is the summer that we made three perfect embryos.  This is the summer that we got the chance that we have been waiting for and wanting for so long.  And I just know that this summer is going to end on a really POSITIVE note. :)  Let's do this!  

Where I should be

I should be in Denver right now snuggled up with two perfect embryos.  Having my aunt wait on me hand and foot so I can lay in bed and pray for those perfect embryos to stick.  

But that is not the case.  We postponed our embryo transfer so I am here, at home.  It was a tough decision and it wasn't all at the same time.  We wanted to go ahead with it so bad but Lonnie was just too sick.  I would have been worried about him constantly and that is not conducive to trying to get pregnant.  I talked to my nurse and she made me feel better about it, she said it happens sometimes.  We would have had regrets if we went through with it in haste and it didn't work.  Should we have waited?  Did the stress play a factor?  Why did we rush it?

So I am here.  At home.  And that is right where I should be.  Taking care of my husband.  Hooking him up to his IV three times a day, forcing him to drink more Gato.rade and asking him too many times how he is feeling.  Our little embryos will be there in a few months when the timing is right.  :)

The 4th and some things.

I hope everyone had a great 4th!  Isn't is wonderful when it falls on a Friday?  We drove about 2.5 hours to my brother in laws house on Thursday and stayed all weekend.  

They just put in a pool so we were outside all weekend.  It is really more of a backyard experience than just a pool.  They have a new outdoor kitchen and indoor/outdoor patio area.  Totally wonderful and it felt like we were at a resort all weekend!  

The kids swam and we ate wonderful food.  I don't know if I have mentioned this before but my BIL, Marshall, is an amazing cook.  He cooked all of our meals and each one of them was amazing.  He seriously should have been a gourmet chef.  We always get fed really well when he is around.  

I won't overwhelm you with pictures but only because I didn't take any.  I forgot my good camera and, really, having a 2 and a half year old around a pool there is no time to do anything but watch her.  Thank goodness for my mother in law who helped with that so I could enjoy a few poolside drinks.  :)

I did snap this one of Blakely and her cousin Syble's other cousin, Sophie Grace.  Confused?  Anyway, turns out they had on matching swimsuits.  Not planned but adorable anyway.  I am a sucker for Ol.d Na.vy holiday gear.  Gets me every time.  

Lonnie picked blackberries a couple of times last week.  Blakely really wanted to go so we let her but just for a little bit.  Too many snakes!  She thought it was fun and has been trying to get Daddy to go again.  

They are really great this year because we have had a lot of rain.  The first night I made some mini blackberry pies.  They turned out good but the cobbler I made the next night was even better.  We have been snacking on them of the for a while and I am kind of blackberried out.  I put the rest of what we have in the freezer.  He says he may go a few more times but we will see.  I am so mad that I didn't take a picture of the final cobbler because it was pretty! 

It was a year ago that all the shit went down with our 5th IVF.  (one, two, three, four, five)  I am over it now but I would be lying if I said I wasn't still a little bitter.  That really messed me up for a while.  I don't know if I would have even remembered the day except my retrieval was on the 4th of July and that is hard to forget.  Anyway, I am really happy with where we are in our infertility journey now.  What a difference a year makes!

Speaking of infertility, I have started my medications for our frozen embryo transfer.  We have a tentative date of transfer of July 28th!  Wow.  That is really soon.  Right now I am injecting 5 units of lu.pron each morning and taking a baby aspirin.  I put on an estrogen patch every other day and that will gradually increase to 4 patches every other day over the next few weeks.  I am thrilled and excited that we are getting so close to the last step in this process.  I am also getting quite nervous!  

Lastly, thank you of all of the concern and well wishes for my mom.  She is doing better and has a check up today.  She has sure enjoyed the extra Blakely snuggles!  

A super technical post + an update

I am still here in Denver plugging away at this IVF thing.  Things are going great except that I miss my girl, my husband and my bed.  Hotel beds are awesome for about 3 days.  The "me time" is great but now I feel pretty yuck and I don't really want and to get out and do anything.  I am trying hard not to mope.  

A little recap of the last few days.  

I had an ultrasound and lab on Tuesday.  All of that still looked good.  I had about 5 follicles on the left and about 9 on the right.  I was told to come back for a recheck on Thursday.  I also had a physical that day.  It seemed unnecessary but what do I know.  They did prick my finger to check a hemoglobin level and mine was a little high.  I was told to drink more water but it should be fine.  I can't not even tell you how much water I am drinking.  I am peeing every 5 minutes it seems.  

On Wednesday I had to go to a class all about the genetic testing (CCS) of our embryos.  I DID NOT want to go.  I was dreading it so much.  I just found out about the class the day before so I was not prepared.  The thought of going and listening to all of the risks and bad things that could happen to our embryos sounded like zero fun.  It took me 3 months to even decide to do the testing.  Sitting through a class that was going to make me doubt my decision was not on my list of things I wanted to do.  

As it turns out the class made me feel better about it.  Imagine that?  They went over the process, we had a little biology lesson and then she answered any questions.  A few things that stood out to me.

• 90% of their patients do CCS.  (A lot of people come here specifically for this testing)
• Less than 1% chance of damage/destruction of the embryo during the biopsy
• Less than 2% chance that an embryo will not survive the freezing/thawing process
• CCS is 95% accurate.  
• 1,200 healthy pregnancies via CCS
• They have had 9 misdiagnoses.  9 embryos that tested normal but they ended up not being normal.  7 of those ended in miscarriage and the other 2 were found at prenatal testing.  

Here is how the process works.  I know this is technical but, to me, it was interesting and it helped me to feel less stressed about the process.  

The day of my egg retrieval is considered day 0.  The eggs are injected with a sperm (ICSI) about 4 hours after the retrieval.  The next day (day 1) I will get a phone call from the embryologist telling me how many embryos were created.  They will then monitor the embryos for the next several days.  When the embryos get to the blastocyst stage (either day 5 or 6) they will then take the biopsy.  Little note here about the blastocyst.  They look for 2 things to determine if an embryo has reached the blastocyst stage.  1) they need to be 80-100 cells and 2) there needs to be differentiation of those cells.  This differentiation is when there becomes a ring of cells around the outside of the embryo which becomes the placenta and a mass of cells in the middle which becomes the baby.  Okay, so the biopsy takes 3-5 cells off of this outer ring.  Once the biopsy is done they freeze the embryos.  

They use a method called flash freezing.  Many years ago they used a method called a slow freeze and the embryo loss rate was 30%.  They have found that flash freezing is much better and the embryos tolerate it well.

Soooooo.  And this is important.  I will then receive a phone call (on day 5 or 6 after the embryos have been biopsied and frozen) telling me how may embryos we had that made it. I will hear from them on day 1 and not again until day 5 or 6.  OMG.  When I first heard this I was worried.  I have always been updated each day on how my embryos are doing.  The more I thought about it the more I came around to this idea.  First of all, hearing every day is a freaking emotional roller coaster.  Just read this post from my third IVF.  And then this one from the very next day.   I was a WRECK.  It seems on day 2 our embryos are never growing super fast and all I ever hear is bad things.  But then on day 3 they are always doing better.  So yeah, we will avoid that roller coaster of emotions.  I will be anxious for those 5 days no doubt.  But I did ask them and they said if all of the embryos arrest earlier than day 5 then they will call me immediately and let me know.  No news during those days is good news!

So that is the process.  I will learn the results of this testing 3 weeks after the test so 4 weeks after my retrieval.  Then I will be able to do a frozen transfer of the embryos that are available.  I can do a frozen transfer 8-12 weeks after my retrieval.

Moving on from that.  I had my recheck of labs and ultrasound yesterday.  Things are still looking good.  5-6 on the left and 8-9 on the right.  I talked to my nurse and she thought I may be on the stimulation meds a day or so longer than we thought.  This is normal but I only have enough meds until Saturday.  They wanted me to bring in my used vials of meds since there can be a little left in the bottom.  They drew up all that was left and were able to get another dose!  That saves be from dropping another grand at the pharmacy.  I still have to get my other medication from the pharmacy so that is what I am going to do as soon as I hit publish.  Drive into downtown Denver and try to find the pharmacy!  Awesome.  

I go back on Saturday morning for another recheck.  We are tentatively looking at an egg retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Lonnie is just waiting for confirmation before booking his flight.  

Sometimes (like right now after writing this) I feel like this is all so crazy.  There is just so much and it is overwhelming at times.  But, in the end, I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my family.  I would ramble on here about why it is right for us and how bad I want to make Blakely a big sister (and how much I miss that girl!) but then I would just cry and not be able to stop.  These hormones are no freaking joke.  

Again, I really appreciate each and every one of you for reading and supporting me.  I seriously don't know what I would do without this space and the friends I have made here.  All of the prayers, well wishes and good vibes being sent my way are working!  Love y'all!  

Also, feel free to ask any questions.  I am an open book!  Aaaaaaand just a reminder that I am documenting this on insta.gram @mile_high_mama if you want to follow me there.  

2 embryos transferred!

I had 2 embryos transferred into my uterus this morning.  I could not be happier!

I got the call yesterday that they had grown and to come in today.  My MIL drove me up there because there was no way Lonnie could cancel his cases for the second day this week.

When I got there all I wanted was to hear how they were doing.  I just needed good news.  We had one 7 cell and one 8 cell embryo.  I nearly cried.  PERFECT NEWS!!!  They are both such strong little embryos...I am so proud of them :)

The transfer itself went very smoothly.  The worst part is having a full bladder with pressure on your bladder from the ultrasound transducer and then a speculum inserted.  Not cool.  It is over quickly thank goodness.  Now I am on bed rest for 2 days.  My MIL is staying here tonight and Lonnie is finally off this weekend.  So we have plenty of help taking care of B.  I hate not being able to play with her.  She doesn't understand and gets upset when I am in the room with her but not able to pick her up.  So I am hibernating downstairs while she plays upstairs.  I miss her tons but she comes down for a kiss every so often.  I have a stack of books so maybe this time will pass quickly.  

I am so happy to be laying here with 2 embryos in my uterus.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  In my life I have only really had 4 chances to become pregnant (because of my eggs)...this being the 4th.  I have hope that this will work.  I have hope that these embabies are little miracles like Blakely and will complete our family.  

This whole process is such an emotional roller coaster.  I really appreciate all of your support during this crazy time!  I know I have been up and down and I thank you for being there with me through it all.  

Now we wait....

It didn't work

So I have been keeping a little secret from pretty much everyone in my life.  We went ahead with our FET.  It didn't work....

We had the transfer last Tuesday and I got the negative beta results yesterday.  

We didn't tell anyone except a few people that had to know to help us with Blakely.  I didn't even tell my mom and I tell her everything.  I just had these visions of surprising her on Christmas morning.  I really wanted that.  Stupid.  Now she is going to find out by reading this post because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell her.  I wanted to keep it private because I wanted to be normal.  Normal=fertile.  Fertile people get to keep their little beans a secret until they WANT to tell the world.  We, on the other hand, have to tell all kinds of people about my vagina and my husband's balls just to get through the process of attempting to get pregnant.  No I won't be at the Christmas party tomorrow night because I will be recovering from having a needle poked through my vagina 25 times.  Oh I 'm sorry we can't have dinner with you because Kelly will be laying flat on her back to help our embryos stick to her uterus.  Yes, I need off of work so I can drive an hour away, drop my "sample" into a cup, and then take care of my wife who just had her eggs sucked out of her ovaries with a needle.  Sucks.  

I actually got fooled.  I let all of those little symptoms trick me.  I feel dumb for that.  With my IVF's I never let those symptoms trick me.  I was hyper aware that all of those meds mimic pregnancy symptoms.  I never let myself think that it worked.  Well this time I let my mind wander.  Sore nipples?  I had that with B!  Super thirsty?  I had that with B!  Ugh....  I read back to my IVF that was negative and I had those same symptoms.  I am so dumb.  

I just wanted it to be easy this time.  I feel like we fucking deserve that.  We have just been through so much, ya know?  Couldn't it just be easy this time?  

No, it isn't going to be easy.  That much is clear.  We transferred one absolutely perfect embryo.  The other one didn't survive the thawing process.  The day after the transfer is when I got sick.  I knew that the chances of getting pregnant were lower than with fresh IVF.  I also knew once I got that virus that the chances were even lower.  But I still hoped.  I still really really hoped.  I let myself think that it worked.  I thought about how we would tell people.  I thought about having babies almost exactly 2 years apart.  I thought about being pregnant in the summer again.  I though about Blakely being a big sister.  

I am mad at myself for doing that.  I know better than that.  It just hurts more because I let myself think those things.  I should have protected my heart better.  I will remember next time.  

Now if we want to expand our family we have to do IVF for the fourth time.  I don't want to have that desperate feeling that comes with IVF.  It always feels like everything depends on the smallest little details.  I hate that feeling....the feeling of no control.  So many things flood my mind when I think about going through all of that again.  But mostly, how am I going to do this with a toddler?  And a husband that can't miss work? Lonnie can't just take a day off.  If he is supposed to be at work then he has to be there.  He has scheduled cases and there isn't someone that can just do it for him.  He hasn't "called in sick" since I have known him...7 1/2 years.  He does have scheduled vacations but you can't "schedule" IVF around that.  You schedule your life around IVF.  Are we ready to do that?  I just don't know.

I haven't cried...yet.  Although I have come close by writing this post.  I don't want to be sad.  I want to be happy Kelly.  I feel like I had finally gotten that part of me back.

Never mind!

Never mind about transferring 3 embryos.  After all that friggin' hoopla yesterday!  The clinic called me this morning to tell me that we now have 4 8-cell embryos, two good and two excellent.  So, that means that 2 of them caught up and one was upgraded to excellent!  This is super news!  Since this turn of events he recommended transferring just 2, since we now had 2 excellent ones.  This was absolutely fine by me.  I mean I wish I wouldn't have gone through all that yesterday but at this point I'm like whatevs....

The actual transfer was pretty easy....minus the full bladder.  I pretty much had to concentrate on not peeing on him the entire time.  I wonder if that has ever happened?  That is honestly the hardest part.  I mean you have to pee, then they are pressing on your bladder with the ultrasound transducer (yes that is what it is called), then they put the speculum in.....it is really lovely!

So I am now laying in bed snuggled up with my beebies and telling them to hang on tight!  I can't wait for my honey to come home and snuggle with us....

STICK BABIES STICK :)

Why is everything so hard?

Everything to do with infertility is so hard.  Why can’t something just be easy....just for flippin’ once?!?!?  The clinic called me this morning to let me know how our embryos were.  Here are the results

2-2 cell good quality

1-3 cell good quality

1-4 cell good quality

1-4 cell excellent quality

and the other one had not divided

48 hours after retrieval the embryos should be 4 cells...but they can sometimes lag a little behind.  So, this is not the best report.   

The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to do a Day 3 transfer (which I expected) and he recommend transferring 2 or 3 embryos...whatever we wanted.  Well, this was not what I expected.  I mean I just figured they would tell me that we would transfer two.  I never thought about having to make a decision.  I don’t want to decide!  How am I supposed do decide such a thing?  I mean there are so many questions.  I told her that I would have to call her back after I talked to my husband.  So, we talked.  He was at work and very busy so it was hard to talk about it.  Our main concern, OF COURSE, was getting pregnant with triplets.  I just felt like I didn’t have all the information I needed to make a decision.  I mean if we have all 4 cell excellent embryos then I don’t think he would even be recommending 3 at all. 

So, I called the clinic and asked if the doctor could call me back because I was having a hard time deciding and I had some questions.  These were my questions...

Why would we transfer 3?

Was it because we transferred 2 excellent last time and it didn’t work?

What is my chance of triplets?

Do my chances of a single pregnancy go up by adding a third?

Why are they not dividing like they are supposed to?

Is it because of the thickened covering around my egg?

I cried like all freaking afternoon.  I know that I am emotional but I just couldn’t help it.  Like sobbing....UGH!!  I would make a decision and then not feel good about it.  Then I would change my mind and feel good about it for a while and then start crying again.  So frustrating....is there a right decision?  I don’t think so.

So he called me back later in the afternoon.  He basically said that the embryos were not dividing like they should and probably only three of them would be viable, two of them being the correct number of cells.  That is one reason why he was willing to transfer three.  Also, since last time we transferred 2 excellent and it didn’t work, he was willing to transfer three.  He said our chance of getting pregnant with triplets with the embryos that we had, and if they continue to divide like they are, was 5-8%.  He said that our chance of a single pregnancy goes up by a lot more than that.  He said he would do whatever we wanted to do he just wanted to give me the facts.  He said a whole lot of other stuff and gave me some examples, etc.  

So, after a lot of consideration/crying/thinking/stressing, we decided that we are going to transfer 3.  I feel good about it after talking to him.  We also decided that if for some reason tomorrow they are all 10-cell excellent then we will only transfer two.  

This was a really hard decision for us to come to.  I was upset all day about it.  I really hope that the people who read this don’t judge me.  I just never thought I would have to make this decision.  I just figured they would tell me what to do (I realize this may have been naive).  Or I never thought it would be this hard.  I know the worst thing in the world is not triplets.  It just scares me.  Scares me like crazy.  The goal of these fertility treatments is not to have multiples like some fertile people may think!

The thing that gets me through tough times like these is knowing that I have my husband right here beside me.  I know that we can make it through whatever life throws at us.  This comforts me...

So there you have it.  Tomorrow we are transferring 3 beautiful embryos.  I am excited and nervous at the same time!  EEK!!!

Again, I really hope people don’t judge me....

This is my blog and when I started it I told myself that I was going to be honest.  So I am.  I want to document my life and all these emotions go with that.  No one can understand this unless they have been through it themselves.  I know many of you can relate to this.  But I also know that there might be others who read this that might not understand.  So there is my disclaimer :)

I promise I’ll have a happier post soon!!!