One step closer.

I know my blog is all about this IVF right now but, honestly, I am consumed by it.  There is just not much else going on in my life so bear with me.  I promise to post about something else soon!  

So I talked to the embryologist about an hour ago.  Of those original 4 embryos they were able to biopsy (CCS test) and freeze 3 of them.  3 out of 4 is really good!  My main fear this ENTIRE time was that we wouldn't have any embryos make it day 5 or 6 to be frozen.  And we have 3!  So yay!  

Also, those other 4 embryos that were created on the second day are still growing.  They are a day behind, obviously, because they were made a day later.  Tomorrow is day 6 for them so if they make it to the blastocyst stage then they will biopsy and freeze those tomorrow.  She made me a little nervous about these for some reason.  She said that 2 of them were lagging behind the other 2.  She said everything was fine but I, of course, have latched on to that and am stressing about it.  I just hope and pray that they keep growing and are able to be frozen tomorrow.  They are going to call and let me know something tomorrow.  

So, we are one step closer.  We have 3 frozen already and 4 more that could possibly be frozen tomorrow.  We are almost there.  We will get the results of the genetic (CCS) testing in three weeks.  The waiting and wishing and hoping and praying and worrying and stressing is difficult but I know all of this is worth it.  I feel really good about the whole process and I am so very thankful things have gone so well.  

And I am finally feeling back to normal.  I was a bloated up mess and now I have lost the 7 pounds (7 pounds!) I gained while pumped full of hormones.  Whew...it was not comfortable!  

Grow little embryos grow!  

Embryo report

I got a phone call this morning while I was on the rental car shuttle.  We had told the embryologist that we would not be home until after one o'clock so I was expecting the call then but I guess they make these calls early!  

She told me this...

Out of the 18 eggs, 9 of them were mature.  Out of those 9, four fertilized normally.  

So we have 4 embryos.  But they are going to watch those other 5 to see if they divide.  Since it had not even been 24 hours since ICSI ("fertilization") they would wait to see if those divided.  It is not super likely but it is possible.  

Also, 5 of the eggs that were not mature yesterday matured overnight.  She said that they were going to ICSI those today.  She also said that was not as good as doing it on day one so it did not mean we would get embryos out of those but they would try.  They are going to call me tomorrow to let me know about those 5 that they ICSI's today. 

This is why we chose this clinic.  Their lab is one of the best.  We knew they could do the most with whatever I gave them.  I think when we knew I had 18 eggs, Lonnie and I were both hoping for a higher number of embryos.  But, honestly, I am just glad that we have some.  All I want is a chance to get pregnant.  Just a chance.  I have to have faith in this lab that they are doing everything possible to grow these embryos.  

I am hoping and praying that these embryos keep growing.  Whatever the number is I just want them to keep growing.  Blakely was a little fighter embryo and I just feel that we have a couple of those in this batch.  Please please please.  

Also, I am home now.  I couldn't be happier.  I am still hurting but I can at least get comfortable.  But let me tell you, traveling the day after surgery is NO JOKE!  I do not recommend it.  

I have never been happier than to see this girl.  

She was happy to see me too.  We have been snuggling and kissing and hugging and playing all evening.  I don't ever want to leave her again.

18!

They were able to get 18 eggs!  

18!

I am so happy with that number.  So happy.  We will not know until tomorrow how many of those were mature and how many were of good quality but this is a great start.  GREAT.  

I am definitely in pain.  Quite a bit of pain.  I'm not sure I've had this much pain after retrieval before.  Maybe I just don't remember.  I don't know.  It hurts to move.  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to lay down.  I've been told I can take extra strength Tyle.nol and I did but not much relief with that.  I plan on taking more before bed so hopefully I can sleep.  After all my other retrievals I've slept the day away after.  I haven't slept at all today.  Just can't get comfortable.  

But!

18 eggs!  18!  Squeal!

Totally worth it.  

Our embryos are probably being created as I type this.  I can't stop thinking about it.  You can do this embryos!  Grow grow grow!  

I'll update tomorrow with that number! 

It's time!

I just got the call from my nurse and I get to take my trigger shot tonight!  I am so excited.  I was really going to cry if I had to go one more day.  I mean I knew it would be for the best but I am so uncomfortable and so ready to get this show on the road.  

Lonnie sent this to me a few days ago.  It made me laugh.  :)

Although at this point I feel like my ovaries are bigger than your head.  

So tonight (Sunday) I take a new medication at exactly midnight.  Then I take it again tomorrow at noon.  I go in for lab only tomorrow and then I get to pick my husband up from the airport.  Can not wait to see him.  For real.  

I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tomorrow night and I go in for my egg retrieval Tuesday morning.  Oh I am so excited for Tuesday to get here.  Mainly because that is when the important stuff starts.  Ya know, the making of the embryos.  I really really really hope and pray that my eggs are of good quality and they are mature so we can get the best possible embryos.  The last IVF (that was completely fucked up from the jump) my eggs were not mature and I was told they were not good quality.  I just hope that was a fluke or a lie.  I'll take either at this point.  

So far things have gone better than I could have expected.  I have responded well to the medications and I have at least 9 follicles on my right ovary and at least 6 on my left ovary.  A total of 15 eggs sounds wonderful to me.  When we had our consult with Dr. S back in March he said he would be shooting for 10 eggs with me.  So hopefully my ovaries have overachieved.  Here is the number of eggs they have gotten in all five of my previous attempts.  

IVF #1 - 14 eggs
IVF #2 - 14 eggs
IVF #3 - 19 eggs (Blakely's cycle)
IVF #4 - 13 eggs
IVF #5 - 7 eggs.  

My estrogen is higher than it has ever been.  When I triggered on IVF #3 it was like 2500 (the highest to this point) and this time it is 5300.  Hoping that means mature eggs.  It also means I feel like shit.  But totally worth it.  

Just some things to keep in mind.  I won't necessarily get the same number of embryos as the number of eggs.  Not all of the eggs will be mature (they can be premature or post mature) and some may not fertilize properly.  Usually a little more than half of the good eggs will be fertilized properly with ICSI.  Then those little balls of cells need to grow grow grow.  I will update on Tuesday when I get back to the hotel in the afternoon.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  Well let me just put it out there that I do not feel strong.  At all.  I feel weak and tired and like a little anxious ball of nerves.  I have cried numerous times while being here.  Mainly in the last couple of days.  Sometimes for a legit reason (I hurt) and other times not so much (I feel certain that Blakely will want nothing to do with me when I get home).  I have major anxiety every single time I drive to the clinic and have to immediately go into the bathroom and get it together when I get there.  I am an anxious person.  I am doing my best to control that and I have done a pretty good job (thank you essential oils).  If all I have to do is spend a minute or two in the bathroom talking myself down then I am doing well.  But it is a vicious cycle.  I know that stress and anxiety is not good for me right now.  So when I do get anxious I start to worry.  Which leads to stress. Blah.  Anyway, the point is that I do not feel strong but I feel like I am coping.  I am making it.  I am extremely excited to see Lonnie tomorrow so he can take some of the stress and anxiety away.  He has a way with me.  

clinic bathroom selfie.  trying to stay distracted.  

I am so happy at this moment right now.  This is what we have been waiting for and building up to.  Please let everything go smoothly and let us get the best possible outcome.  I am so ready.  This is also the time when I start to get really nervous.  Don't ovulate too early!  Mature on up little eggiest!  But not too mature!  No weather delays for Lonnie's flight!  You get the point.  I am trying really hard to stay focused.  Grow these eggs, Kelly.  You got this. Now, let's make some babies.  

A super technical post + an update

I am still here in Denver plugging away at this IVF thing.  Things are going great except that I miss my girl, my husband and my bed.  Hotel beds are awesome for about 3 days.  The "me time" is great but now I feel pretty yuck and I don't really want and to get out and do anything.  I am trying hard not to mope.  

A little recap of the last few days.  

I had an ultrasound and lab on Tuesday.  All of that still looked good.  I had about 5 follicles on the left and about 9 on the right.  I was told to come back for a recheck on Thursday.  I also had a physical that day.  It seemed unnecessary but what do I know.  They did prick my finger to check a hemoglobin level and mine was a little high.  I was told to drink more water but it should be fine.  I can't not even tell you how much water I am drinking.  I am peeing every 5 minutes it seems.  

On Wednesday I had to go to a class all about the genetic testing (CCS) of our embryos.  I DID NOT want to go.  I was dreading it so much.  I just found out about the class the day before so I was not prepared.  The thought of going and listening to all of the risks and bad things that could happen to our embryos sounded like zero fun.  It took me 3 months to even decide to do the testing.  Sitting through a class that was going to make me doubt my decision was not on my list of things I wanted to do.  

As it turns out the class made me feel better about it.  Imagine that?  They went over the process, we had a little biology lesson and then she answered any questions.  A few things that stood out to me.

• 90% of their patients do CCS.  (A lot of people come here specifically for this testing)
• Less than 1% chance of damage/destruction of the embryo during the biopsy
• Less than 2% chance that an embryo will not survive the freezing/thawing process
• CCS is 95% accurate.  
• 1,200 healthy pregnancies via CCS
• They have had 9 misdiagnoses.  9 embryos that tested normal but they ended up not being normal.  7 of those ended in miscarriage and the other 2 were found at prenatal testing.  

Here is how the process works.  I know this is technical but, to me, it was interesting and it helped me to feel less stressed about the process.  

The day of my egg retrieval is considered day 0.  The eggs are injected with a sperm (ICSI) about 4 hours after the retrieval.  The next day (day 1) I will get a phone call from the embryologist telling me how many embryos were created.  They will then monitor the embryos for the next several days.  When the embryos get to the blastocyst stage (either day 5 or 6) they will then take the biopsy.  Little note here about the blastocyst.  They look for 2 things to determine if an embryo has reached the blastocyst stage.  1) they need to be 80-100 cells and 2) there needs to be differentiation of those cells.  This differentiation is when there becomes a ring of cells around the outside of the embryo which becomes the placenta and a mass of cells in the middle which becomes the baby.  Okay, so the biopsy takes 3-5 cells off of this outer ring.  Once the biopsy is done they freeze the embryos.  

They use a method called flash freezing.  Many years ago they used a method called a slow freeze and the embryo loss rate was 30%.  They have found that flash freezing is much better and the embryos tolerate it well.

Soooooo.  And this is important.  I will then receive a phone call (on day 5 or 6 after the embryos have been biopsied and frozen) telling me how may embryos we had that made it. I will hear from them on day 1 and not again until day 5 or 6.  OMG.  When I first heard this I was worried.  I have always been updated each day on how my embryos are doing.  The more I thought about it the more I came around to this idea.  First of all, hearing every day is a freaking emotional roller coaster.  Just read this post from my third IVF.  And then this one from the very next day.   I was a WRECK.  It seems on day 2 our embryos are never growing super fast and all I ever hear is bad things.  But then on day 3 they are always doing better.  So yeah, we will avoid that roller coaster of emotions.  I will be anxious for those 5 days no doubt.  But I did ask them and they said if all of the embryos arrest earlier than day 5 then they will call me immediately and let me know.  No news during those days is good news!

So that is the process.  I will learn the results of this testing 3 weeks after the test so 4 weeks after my retrieval.  Then I will be able to do a frozen transfer of the embryos that are available.  I can do a frozen transfer 8-12 weeks after my retrieval.

Moving on from that.  I had my recheck of labs and ultrasound yesterday.  Things are still looking good.  5-6 on the left and 8-9 on the right.  I talked to my nurse and she thought I may be on the stimulation meds a day or so longer than we thought.  This is normal but I only have enough meds until Saturday.  They wanted me to bring in my used vials of meds since there can be a little left in the bottom.  They drew up all that was left and were able to get another dose!  That saves be from dropping another grand at the pharmacy.  I still have to get my other medication from the pharmacy so that is what I am going to do as soon as I hit publish.  Drive into downtown Denver and try to find the pharmacy!  Awesome.  

I go back on Saturday morning for another recheck.  We are tentatively looking at an egg retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Lonnie is just waiting for confirmation before booking his flight.  

Sometimes (like right now after writing this) I feel like this is all so crazy.  There is just so much and it is overwhelming at times.  But, in the end, I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my family.  I would ramble on here about why it is right for us and how bad I want to make Blakely a big sister (and how much I miss that girl!) but then I would just cry and not be able to stop.  These hormones are no freaking joke.  

Again, I really appreciate each and every one of you for reading and supporting me.  I seriously don't know what I would do without this space and the friends I have made here.  All of the prayers, well wishes and good vibes being sent my way are working!  Love y'all!  

Also, feel free to ask any questions.  I am an open book!  Aaaaaaand just a reminder that I am documenting this on insta.gram @mile_high_mama if you want to follow me there.  

Here we go.

IVF #6 is officially underway.  

It actually started while I was at the beach since I started taking some medications there.  But the hard core stimulation meds started last Thursday.  I arrived in Denver Saturday and I will be here for 12 or so days.  This post is going to be a bit technical but I want to document the details and this is my place for documenting!  

My protocol this time around is different from any that I have ever done.  My previous 5 attempts were all basically the same.  Take birth control pills for a month or so.  Take lupron towards the end of the bcp's.  Stop bcp's.  Have a period and then start stimulations meds.  

This time around we skipped the birth control.  The reason you take that is basically to suppress all your hormones, mainly estrogen.  I have felt like my body doesn't respond right away to the stimulation meds the last 2 IVF's because maybe I am too suppressed?  Or maybe since I was so suppressed it took my body a few extra days to kick into to gear?  Anyway, no birth control pills this time.  This time I...

-had a period.  

-tested for ovulation 

-then started taking medication 10 days after ovulation.  

-had another period right at the time my body would normally have a period

-then started taking the medication that stimulates your ovaries to produce lots of follicles. 

To me it seemed more in line with what my body is already trying to do on a monthly basis.  I don't know?

Here is the rundown of my medications.  

-On Thursday May 15th I started taking Estra.diol (a pill) morning and night.  

-On Friday May 16th I started taking Cetro.tide (injection) in the evening

-On Sunday May 18th I stopped taking Cetro.tide

-On Tuesday May 20th I stopped taking Estra.diol

-On Wednesday May 21st I had an ultrasound and labs at home to make sure I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries and to make sure my estrogen, LH and progesterone were normal. (It was all good)

-On Thursday May 22nd I started taking Meno.pur (2 vials, injection) in the morning before 830 and Foll.istim (300 units, injection) in the evening, 12 hours after the Meno.pur and a dexametha.sone tablet before bed.  I will continue this medication everyday until it is time for retrieval.  

When we got the results of my appointment Wednesday we frantically booked my flight and my hotel room.  We didn't want to do it before just in case everything got postponed.  Luckily there was still a direct flight and I got a great deal on a hotel for being a patient of this clinic.  

I had my first lab and ultrasound here in Denver yesterday.  Everything looked good and I go back on Tuesday morning for another check.  I had about 5 follicles on my left ovary with a couple smaller ones that may or may not catch up.  And I had about 7-9 follicles on my right ovary.  They are all around the same size and that is really good.  We want them to grow at the same rate so we can get the highest number of mature eggs possible.  

A major thing that is different this time is that we are not doing a fresh transfer.  That is what we have always done.  That is where 3-5 days after the embryos are made the best ones are put back into the uterus.  This time, we are having all the embryos cultured until day five (5 days after retrieval) and then they will be frozen and genetically tested.  Once those results come back we will do a frozen transfer with the "best" embryos (not genetically abnormal).  This was a major source of stress for me that last few months, basically since we came out for testing in March.  They recommended we have this testing (called CCS).  Lonnie thought we should.  I didn't want to do it.  Here were my reasons why.  

• We have only ever had 3 embryos make it to day 5.  Blakely and 2 that were frozen on her cycle.  (We have had 8 embryos total, ever)  The thought of going through all of this and none making it to day 5 and being left with nothing makes me want to vom.  
• I didn't like not having the opportunity to transfer them on day 3 if they weren't growing well.
• I have always heard/thought frozen success rates were lower than fresh success rates
• I just felt like it was another major thing for the embryos to have to be put through that could harm them or destroy them.  Case in point...one of the embryos that made it to day 5 to be frozen during Blakely's cycle "disintegrated" during the freezing process.  Yeah...

Here were the counter points to my points (per Lonnie, my nurse and my doctor, Dr. S)

• They have one of the best labs in the country.  This was one of the reasons we decided to come here.  We felt like they could do more with whatever I gave them.  So hopefully they could culture the embryos "better" and more would make it to day 5.  (Lonnie)
• This clinic actually has better frozen success rates than fresh success rates.  (nurse and Dr. S)  Now, part of that is because they do this testing so they are only transferring genetically normal frozen embryos.  But if the reason we have had failures was due to genetically abnormal embryos then at least we would know.  (Lonnie and Dr. S)  Also, Dr. S feels like the body is not as well prepared to accept an embryo after just going through weeks of hormones and then a surgery.  He feels like a month or two after the retrieval when the body is back to normal it is better equipped to accept a pregnancy.  
• They have actually never damaged an embryo with this process.  And, not only that, it is extremely rare for them to lose an embryo during the freezing or thawing process.  My nurse couldn't even recall a time it had happened.  (nurse and Dr. S)
• One of the main reasons we changed clinics was because we wanted something different.  This is something different along with other things this cycle.  We need to trust their expertise.  That is why we chose them.  (Lonnie)

Lonnie left it up to me to decide and I decided to do the CCS testing.  I literally waited until the absolute last day possible to notify my nurse of this.  I just kept going back and forth.  But, in the end, I decided on the CCS testing.  I feel like Lonnie is right when he said we came here to trust the experts and to try something different.  I also have faith in their lab that they can get me some good day 5 embryos and this will all work out.  I told myself once I made the decision that I was not going to look back so that is what I am doing.  No what if's and no shoulda, woulda, coulda's.  This was the decision and we are going with it.  Now let's get lots of good quality eggs that can turn into good quality embryos!  

I am feeling pretty good.  I have headaches but I always do when I am on hormones.  I had one every single day I was pregnant with Blakely.  I can already feel my ovaries aching a little bit but nothing painful just something I am aware of.  I really like the place I am staying.  There is a lot of shopping nearby and that is what I did all day today.  Lots of Memori.al Day sales!  I know after a few more days I won't feel like doing anything but laying around or sleeping so I am exploring my area while I feel good.  I have a kitchen so I went to the grocery store so I wouldn't have to eat out every meal.  Although I have already seen so many new-to-me restaurants that I must try!  I brought some books and will probably find a bookstore and get more.  So far everything is good!  I am not too bored yet!  Ha!  I am sure that will come.  

Of course I miss Blakely and Lonnie like crazy already.  I know they miss me too.  I have already gotten quite a few sweet texts from the husband and I've talked to B a few times.  I can tell she is trying to be big girl.  I told her to take care of Daddy while Mommy was gone and she said, "don't worry, Mom.  I will."  Swoon.  

Also, I have decided to document this little trip of mine with a new Ins.tagram account.  I wanted to be able to update my friends and family without having to send a bunch of texts each day.  Plus, it gives me something to do!  If you would like to follow along the account is @mile_high_mama 

IVF #6 update

The last I mentioned about our upcoming IVF was when we got home from Denver for the full day of testing.  

The week after that we got all of the results back and everything looked great.  Our next step was to get labs drawn on day 3 of my cycle.  They had to send me a kit and I had to get the blood drawn at my old clinic and they shipped it to Denver.  This was mildly stressful, could have been a lot worse.  Mainly, I was worried about the clinic doing the kit correctly but that wasn't a problem.  I was also a little nervous because I had to tell my old clinic that we were going with the Denver clinic.  I didn't mind telling them I just wanted to get it over with and not dwell on it.  Blech.  

My nurse from CCRM, we will call her J, called with the results of those labs.  I was a little bit nervous about the results and I will tell you why.  They check estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, and LH (luteinizing hormone).  My FSH has always been borderline high.  Dr. B has told me it was just a little high for my age before our last 3 IVF's.  (I believe the numbers were around 12 and 13 each time...and they want it less than 10).  Older women have higher FSH levels which mean your ovaries just aren't producing like they did when you were younger.  I just turned 32, so not old.  I was worried since my eggs haven't been so great the last 2 IVF's that maybe my FSH would be sky high.  All of that explanation to say that J told me my FSH was fine...it was 9.  I was so happy to hear this.  

J explained to me the protocol Dr. S had decided upon.  It is different than what we have done before.  Previously I have been on birth control pills for about a month before starting any medication.  This protocol has no birth control pills and I begin medication based on when I ovulate instead of when I start my period.  She told me we could get started when I ovulated.  At this point I was on about day 8 so that meant we could get started really soon!  I wasn't ready and it was going to run into our beach trip.  We are absolutely going to the beach so I told her we needed to put it off another month.

Once we got the protocol and the calendar from CCRM Lonnie and I got to work looking at his schedule and trying to make sure this was going to work out.  We don't know things down to the day because anything can change but we were a little worried about the timing for when Lonnie was going to need to come out to Denver.  He had a call weekend around that time and that would be nearly impossible to switch.  We were looking at this a few weeks ago when he was off for a few days.  We realized that we may need a back up sample from him in the event that he can't make it out for my egg retrieval. (Please do not let that happen!)  But the only days he was off until the time for the egg retrieval were right then.  So we decided to fly him out to Denver to give his sample and then he flew back home the next day.  Yeah.  A little crazy.  Or maybe a lot crazy.  But there was just no way we could go through with all of this and then get almost to the end and him not be able to come.  That would have been a huge waste of everything.  So this seemed worth it to us.  (Please lord let travel expenses for IVF be tax deductible, anyone know anything about that?)  

Anyway, so I guess that is where we are now.  I will start testing for ovulation in another few days and then I will start medication 10 days after I ovulate.  I will be on that medication for a few weeks or so and then I will start the stimulation medication.  That is when things get real.

I will have one appointment at my old clinic for lab and ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are suppressed and then I will head out to Denver for all other monitoring.  

So that is all of the technical stuff.  Now how about the emotional stuff?  

I am really excited about this.  I am nervous, of course, but I am ready to do this.  I trust this clinic fully and that really helps.  I have to be able to let go of control and let them do what they are trained to do.  They know this stuff and I have to let them guide me and I trust they will guide me in the right direction.  

I want this to work so very badly.  I want to be pregnant again.  I want to feel a baby kick inside me.  I want to give birth to another baby.  I want to nurse again.  I want to make Blakely a big sister.  I want to see Lonnie holding our newborn again.  I want the sleepless nights.  I want the sore vagina.  I want the stinky spit up filled burp cloths.  I want it all.  Sometimes I feel like I need it.  I know that sounds weird but I almost feel like my life is on hold while we just wait and see what our family is going to look like.  We know what we want.  We have talked a few times about "what if we were fertile"?  We both agree that if we were able to choose when we got pregnant and how many kids we were going to have that we would for sure already have another one and we both would like to have a third.  I know we only have one so it is hard to say what we would want once we had a second but the point is we don't get to decide.  We don't have that privilege.  I can't even imagine being able to say, "Ok, our family is complete".  Am I ever going to feel like that?  I don't know but I know I don't feel that way now.  But I know we are lucky.  I know that.  I am focusing on that and staying positive through this whole process.  Actually I am just imagining that it is going to work.  Surely if I think it enough it will happen, right? 

Things

I know I've been pretty quiet on the blog lately.  I don't really have a reason.  Ha!  We do have a lot of things going on and I just can't seem to want to detail all of it out here just yet.  I've sat down to try to write about each thing but after a few minutes I delete it all and walk away.  Just not really in a writing mood I guess.  We will go with bullets for today just as an update.  

• Blakely has been giving me a run for my money lately (this week).  She says "No, Mom!" in a super sassy tone to every. single. thing I ask of her.  She wants to do everything "right now, Mom!" and anything I suggest we do is, "No!  I don't want to".  Talking back at the age of 2.  Awesome.  It is really wearing on my patience, today especially.  It is 3:30 and I am ready for the wine!  

• There may be some big things changing about Lonnie's job.  We don't know yet and I am not sure when we will know.  But change can be good so we are trying not to stress too much.  And if the change isn't good I say we pack up and move to the beach, amiright?

• Speaking of beach, our annual beach trip is coming up.  I've been busy planning and preparing for that.  I am definitely looking forward to it but I am in no way ready to see myself in a bathing suit.  Scary.  Maybe I will fast for the next month.  ;)

• We are going ahead with an IVF at our new clinic fairly soon.  I really want to write a lengthy post about this but I just haven't been up for it.  Weird.  But anyway, it is happening and I have been planning and preparing for that as well.  I will have to be away from home for over a week so there are a lot of things that I need to do for all the people who are going to be helping out with Blakely.  I am anxious, nervous and very excited all at the same time.  

• Recently I have become totally overwhelmed with all of the crap in our house.  Like where did it all come from?  I am in the mood to purge all of the things.  Two days ago I cleaned out our upstairs bathroom.  This is the bathroom Blakely and I use to shower/bathe and get ready each day.  (Ha...as if I "get ready" each day)  I threw away an entire trash bag of stuff.  How does a bathroom have an entire trash bag worth of junk in it?  Yesterday I started on the laundry room.  You don't even want to know what it looks like.  I am over all of this clutter!  

After typing that out I guess I do have a lot on my mind!  Anyway, I am still here and will hopefully get back to more frequent updates soon!  

And we're back!

We got home from Denver yesterday.  Always happy to be home.  And coming home on a Tuesday was the best idea I've ever had because Juanet cleans my house on Tuesdays so yeah...clean kitchen, clean sheets, clean everything.  Amazing.  

Anyway, the trip went good.  We flew out in the evening Saturday so we really only had Sunday to explore and a little bit late Monday evening after our all day appointment.  

This is the first time she got her own seat.  

Waiting for the train.  She kept saying CHOO CHOO!  

Sharing lunch at the airport.  

Blakely did great on the plane rides.  We had a layover in Houston on the way there so that made the ride a bit longer.  She did not nap so about 20 minutes before we landed in Denver, at like 8pm, she was totally over it.  She was so so sleepy.  She didn't cry but she just kept telling me that she wanted to go to bed (never has said that before).  I tried to get her to watch a Mic.key and she said "me not want to".  Tried to get her to eat a snack and again "me not want to".  I knew she would be asleep the second we put her in the car and she was.  When we got to the hotel I carried her up and sat her on the bed so I could unpack her jammies.  She literally went to sleep right then and I had to undress and dress her while she slept.  I have never seen her so tired!  She slept for like 14 hours!  

On Sunday we lounged for a bit and then went to brunch.  We did not take a stroller and we didn't need one.  But I will say if we ever spend any amount of time in a downtown city-like place again we will take a stroller.  I can't tell you how nervous I was with her just walking along the side of busy streets.  I don't know how you city mamas do it!  I was a nervous wreck.  

Do you see that death grip I have on her hand?  

My husband captured this picture of her and I seriously love it.  

We walked around downtown until it was time for a nap.  After naps for us all we walked around some more and then went to dinner.  That evening I was starting to get a little anxious about our appointment the next day.  Our suite had a huge jacuzzi tub so I decided to take full advantage to try and relax a little so I could sleep.  It definitely helped.  

On Monday we had to be at the clinic at 6:45.  I mean that is seriously early.  They handed us a ginorm binder and we sat through a long class with 6 other couples.  We didn't really learn anything new in the class because it was all about IVF and stuff that I already knew.  But after that we got to meet our nurse and she was great.  We got to ask her questions and she was very knowledgable.  She actually answered most of the questions we had before we even met with the doctor.  We are assigned to her so we will be dealing with her throughout the process.  After signing about 400 things with her then we moved on to blood work.  They took about 15 vials from me.  I did not feel awesome.  Then we met with a lady from the lab and signed a million more things.  Then we had to meet with the business office and go over the cost of everything.  Lonnie and I did all of this together but then we were split up so I could get my ultrasound and he could go do his thing.  Bless him.  I don't even think I could count the number of times he has had to give his sample at a doctor's office.  If I had to guess I'd say over twenty.  What a trooper he is.  :)  

All of that took about 5 hours.  We were starving!  At noon we finally had a little break before our last two appointments at 1.  They have a little kiosk there with salads, fruits and pre made sandwiches.  We sat outside and enjoyed the AMAZING weather and ate our lunch.  

I had my hysteroscopy at one.  I was definitely nervous about this procedure before being called back.  But then the nurse told me that it really only takes 1-2 minutes.  That made me feel better because I know I can handle anything for a minute!  It wasn't near as bad as I had imagined.  I guess once you have a baby the pain tolerance down there is a tiny bit higher.  ;)  

After that we went and got Lonnie and she took us into a conference room to talk with Dr. S.  We had a good convo with him and he again told me that he thinks their lab can help us.  We talked about some of the concerns I had and I feel much better after hearing what he had to say.  There are lots of details here but I will spare you....at least for today because you know I will want to document those here at some point, maybe when we have a specific plan in place!  We left there feeling really good.  Like we are definitely going to do it.  We've talked about it since and we both think this is the best place for us.  They have their shit together unlike my old clinic.  I can trust them and I can relinquish control and let them do what they know how to do.  That actually feels really good.  I know if we were to try again at our old clinic I would be worried about every detail and questioning/second guessing their every move.  Here I don't have to worry about that which will mean I won't be as stressed with can only help the outcome if you ask me!  

Anyway, I was missing my baby girl like crazy.  I couldn't get back to her fast enough.  She stayed at the hotel with Bob (MIL) while we were out.  I think they just rode the elevators and opened/closed the door to our room the entire time.  Blakely is obviously in love with elevators.  She does not get that from her mama.  When we got back to her we went right outside to walk around.  Since she had been cooped up all day she needed some fresh air.  We stopped and she ate dinner while Lonnie and I enjoyed some adult beverages (much needed after the long day).  

Trying to get her ready for bed.  She thought sleeping with mom and dad meant party all night.  Then she would pass out and sleep like a rock while Lonnie and I tossed and turned all night.  She gets her own bed next time!  

Our flight home the next morning was direct and that made it so much easier.  It's a little less than 2 hours and Blakely did awesome again.  

I wish we had more time to go sightseeing but maybe next time.  Because I am pretty sure there is going to be a next time.  EEEK!    

an infertility update (I am so tired of that word...)

Not that any of you are keeping up (I know some are but...I also know the details of all of this are a wee bit boring too) we had our consult with our current infertility doctor (Dr. B) at the end of January, right after our consult with our potentially new doctor in Denver.  You can read all about our Denver consult here.  

Anyway, since it has been a while I thought I would drop a few lines and update on what is currently going on and how our appointment went with our Dr. B.  

First of all after talking to Dr. B I was just even more confused.  He said all the right things and did offer us some new ideas if we were to try for a 6th IVF (supplements prior to IVF to help with egg quality, endometrial biopsy to help embryos stick, etc).  He talked to us about some of the things they do in Denver and what he thought about it.  He said he would be happy to follow us here (labs, ultrasounds) if we chose to go to Denver and they would even try to help me out with getting some medication to help lower the cost.  (Gah...the cost). He talked to us for a good hour and it was good.  It is not Dr. B that I don't have faith in.  I believe if he were to do every single thing related to our case that he would and he would do it right.  But he can't. There are ancillary people all around that draw blood, schedule, make phone calls, order meds, etc and those are the people I do not trust.  How can I after what happened last time? And then there is the difference in the labs.  Which I talked about in the post I linked to above.  We both still feel strongly about the difference in the labs.  

So Lonnie and I left there and decided to take some time to decide which clinic to go to.  We agreed that we trusted Dr. B but maybe not the clinic in general at this moment in time.  But we were not completely sold on the other clinic either.

To proceed in Denver you have to fly out there for a full day of testing.  Once that testing is done then they come up with a plan and go forward from there.  You have to do this testing between day 5-13 on your cycle.  In early February I went ahead an made an appointment for this testing because it looked like my period and Lonnie's days off would coincide in March.  Miracle of miracles.  As the time began approaching I told Lonnie we really needed to decide what we were going to do.  We talked about it and realized that we needed to talk to our doctor in Denver and get some more questions answered.  We could do the testing, have another chat with Dr. S and then we could make a final decision.  

So that is where we are.  Our appointment is next week.  We are taking Blakely with us because I have the overwhelming desire to have her with me.  I don't know why but I want her near.  She is my happy and I need her there.  We are taking my mother in law so she can watch Blakely while we are at the actual appointment and we are staying a few extra days to make a little trip out of it.  I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.  I hope that we leave there feeling confidant in our decision to go for our 6th IVF.  I hope I don't throw up when they shove a metal scope into my uterus (with no sedation or pain meds I might add...WTH?).  I hope we have a good conversation with the doctor and he gives us a solid plan for what to do next.  If I am being completely honest I think we have made the decision to not use our previous clinic.  But I don't think we have decided that Dr. S is the right fit for us.  I hope to come out of this appointment feeling certain that he is.  I'll update early next week!