Embryo report

I got a phone call this morning while I was on the rental car shuttle.  We had told the embryologist that we would not be home until after one o'clock so I was expecting the call then but I guess they make these calls early!  

She told me this...

Out of the 18 eggs, 9 of them were mature.  Out of those 9, four fertilized normally.  

So we have 4 embryos.  But they are going to watch those other 5 to see if they divide.  Since it had not even been 24 hours since ICSI ("fertilization") they would wait to see if those divided.  It is not super likely but it is possible.  

Also, 5 of the eggs that were not mature yesterday matured overnight.  She said that they were going to ICSI those today.  She also said that was not as good as doing it on day one so it did not mean we would get embryos out of those but they would try.  They are going to call me tomorrow to let me know about those 5 that they ICSI's today. 

This is why we chose this clinic.  Their lab is one of the best.  We knew they could do the most with whatever I gave them.  I think when we knew I had 18 eggs, Lonnie and I were both hoping for a higher number of embryos.  But, honestly, I am just glad that we have some.  All I want is a chance to get pregnant.  Just a chance.  I have to have faith in this lab that they are doing everything possible to grow these embryos.  

I am hoping and praying that these embryos keep growing.  Whatever the number is I just want them to keep growing.  Blakely was a little fighter embryo and I just feel that we have a couple of those in this batch.  Please please please.  

Also, I am home now.  I couldn't be happier.  I am still hurting but I can at least get comfortable.  But let me tell you, traveling the day after surgery is NO JOKE!  I do not recommend it.  

I have never been happier than to see this girl.  

She was happy to see me too.  We have been snuggling and kissing and hugging and playing all evening.  I don't ever want to leave her again.

18!

They were able to get 18 eggs!  

18!

I am so happy with that number.  So happy.  We will not know until tomorrow how many of those were mature and how many were of good quality but this is a great start.  GREAT.  

I am definitely in pain.  Quite a bit of pain.  I'm not sure I've had this much pain after retrieval before.  Maybe I just don't remember.  I don't know.  It hurts to move.  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to lay down.  I've been told I can take extra strength Tyle.nol and I did but not much relief with that.  I plan on taking more before bed so hopefully I can sleep.  After all my other retrievals I've slept the day away after.  I haven't slept at all today.  Just can't get comfortable.  

But!

18 eggs!  18!  Squeal!

Totally worth it.  

Our embryos are probably being created as I type this.  I can't stop thinking about it.  You can do this embryos!  Grow grow grow!  

I'll update tomorrow with that number! 

It's time!

I just got the call from my nurse and I get to take my trigger shot tonight!  I am so excited.  I was really going to cry if I had to go one more day.  I mean I knew it would be for the best but I am so uncomfortable and so ready to get this show on the road.  

Lonnie sent this to me a few days ago.  It made me laugh.  :)

Although at this point I feel like my ovaries are bigger than your head.  

So tonight (Sunday) I take a new medication at exactly midnight.  Then I take it again tomorrow at noon.  I go in for lab only tomorrow and then I get to pick my husband up from the airport.  Can not wait to see him.  For real.  

I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tomorrow night and I go in for my egg retrieval Tuesday morning.  Oh I am so excited for Tuesday to get here.  Mainly because that is when the important stuff starts.  Ya know, the making of the embryos.  I really really really hope and pray that my eggs are of good quality and they are mature so we can get the best possible embryos.  The last IVF (that was completely fucked up from the jump) my eggs were not mature and I was told they were not good quality.  I just hope that was a fluke or a lie.  I'll take either at this point.  

So far things have gone better than I could have expected.  I have responded well to the medications and I have at least 9 follicles on my right ovary and at least 6 on my left ovary.  A total of 15 eggs sounds wonderful to me.  When we had our consult with Dr. S back in March he said he would be shooting for 10 eggs with me.  So hopefully my ovaries have overachieved.  Here is the number of eggs they have gotten in all five of my previous attempts.  

IVF #1 - 14 eggs
IVF #2 - 14 eggs
IVF #3 - 19 eggs (Blakely's cycle)
IVF #4 - 13 eggs
IVF #5 - 7 eggs.  

My estrogen is higher than it has ever been.  When I triggered on IVF #3 it was like 2500 (the highest to this point) and this time it is 5300.  Hoping that means mature eggs.  It also means I feel like shit.  But totally worth it.  

Just some things to keep in mind.  I won't necessarily get the same number of embryos as the number of eggs.  Not all of the eggs will be mature (they can be premature or post mature) and some may not fertilize properly.  Usually a little more than half of the good eggs will be fertilized properly with ICSI.  Then those little balls of cells need to grow grow grow.  I will update on Tuesday when I get back to the hotel in the afternoon.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  Well let me just put it out there that I do not feel strong.  At all.  I feel weak and tired and like a little anxious ball of nerves.  I have cried numerous times while being here.  Mainly in the last couple of days.  Sometimes for a legit reason (I hurt) and other times not so much (I feel certain that Blakely will want nothing to do with me when I get home).  I have major anxiety every single time I drive to the clinic and have to immediately go into the bathroom and get it together when I get there.  I am an anxious person.  I am doing my best to control that and I have done a pretty good job (thank you essential oils).  If all I have to do is spend a minute or two in the bathroom talking myself down then I am doing well.  But it is a vicious cycle.  I know that stress and anxiety is not good for me right now.  So when I do get anxious I start to worry.  Which leads to stress. Blah.  Anyway, the point is that I do not feel strong but I feel like I am coping.  I am making it.  I am extremely excited to see Lonnie tomorrow so he can take some of the stress and anxiety away.  He has a way with me.  

clinic bathroom selfie.  trying to stay distracted.  

I am so happy at this moment right now.  This is what we have been waiting for and building up to.  Please let everything go smoothly and let us get the best possible outcome.  I am so ready.  This is also the time when I start to get really nervous.  Don't ovulate too early!  Mature on up little eggiest!  But not too mature!  No weather delays for Lonnie's flight!  You get the point.  I am trying really hard to stay focused.  Grow these eggs, Kelly.  You got this. Now, let's make some babies.  

A super technical post + an update

I am still here in Denver plugging away at this IVF thing.  Things are going great except that I miss my girl, my husband and my bed.  Hotel beds are awesome for about 3 days.  The "me time" is great but now I feel pretty yuck and I don't really want and to get out and do anything.  I am trying hard not to mope.  

A little recap of the last few days.  

I had an ultrasound and lab on Tuesday.  All of that still looked good.  I had about 5 follicles on the left and about 9 on the right.  I was told to come back for a recheck on Thursday.  I also had a physical that day.  It seemed unnecessary but what do I know.  They did prick my finger to check a hemoglobin level and mine was a little high.  I was told to drink more water but it should be fine.  I can't not even tell you how much water I am drinking.  I am peeing every 5 minutes it seems.  

On Wednesday I had to go to a class all about the genetic testing (CCS) of our embryos.  I DID NOT want to go.  I was dreading it so much.  I just found out about the class the day before so I was not prepared.  The thought of going and listening to all of the risks and bad things that could happen to our embryos sounded like zero fun.  It took me 3 months to even decide to do the testing.  Sitting through a class that was going to make me doubt my decision was not on my list of things I wanted to do.  

As it turns out the class made me feel better about it.  Imagine that?  They went over the process, we had a little biology lesson and then she answered any questions.  A few things that stood out to me.

• 90% of their patients do CCS.  (A lot of people come here specifically for this testing)
• Less than 1% chance of damage/destruction of the embryo during the biopsy
• Less than 2% chance that an embryo will not survive the freezing/thawing process
• CCS is 95% accurate.  
• 1,200 healthy pregnancies via CCS
• They have had 9 misdiagnoses.  9 embryos that tested normal but they ended up not being normal.  7 of those ended in miscarriage and the other 2 were found at prenatal testing.  

Here is how the process works.  I know this is technical but, to me, it was interesting and it helped me to feel less stressed about the process.  

The day of my egg retrieval is considered day 0.  The eggs are injected with a sperm (ICSI) about 4 hours after the retrieval.  The next day (day 1) I will get a phone call from the embryologist telling me how many embryos were created.  They will then monitor the embryos for the next several days.  When the embryos get to the blastocyst stage (either day 5 or 6) they will then take the biopsy.  Little note here about the blastocyst.  They look for 2 things to determine if an embryo has reached the blastocyst stage.  1) they need to be 80-100 cells and 2) there needs to be differentiation of those cells.  This differentiation is when there becomes a ring of cells around the outside of the embryo which becomes the placenta and a mass of cells in the middle which becomes the baby.  Okay, so the biopsy takes 3-5 cells off of this outer ring.  Once the biopsy is done they freeze the embryos.  

They use a method called flash freezing.  Many years ago they used a method called a slow freeze and the embryo loss rate was 30%.  They have found that flash freezing is much better and the embryos tolerate it well.

Soooooo.  And this is important.  I will then receive a phone call (on day 5 or 6 after the embryos have been biopsied and frozen) telling me how may embryos we had that made it. I will hear from them on day 1 and not again until day 5 or 6.  OMG.  When I first heard this I was worried.  I have always been updated each day on how my embryos are doing.  The more I thought about it the more I came around to this idea.  First of all, hearing every day is a freaking emotional roller coaster.  Just read this post from my third IVF.  And then this one from the very next day.   I was a WRECK.  It seems on day 2 our embryos are never growing super fast and all I ever hear is bad things.  But then on day 3 they are always doing better.  So yeah, we will avoid that roller coaster of emotions.  I will be anxious for those 5 days no doubt.  But I did ask them and they said if all of the embryos arrest earlier than day 5 then they will call me immediately and let me know.  No news during those days is good news!

So that is the process.  I will learn the results of this testing 3 weeks after the test so 4 weeks after my retrieval.  Then I will be able to do a frozen transfer of the embryos that are available.  I can do a frozen transfer 8-12 weeks after my retrieval.

Moving on from that.  I had my recheck of labs and ultrasound yesterday.  Things are still looking good.  5-6 on the left and 8-9 on the right.  I talked to my nurse and she thought I may be on the stimulation meds a day or so longer than we thought.  This is normal but I only have enough meds until Saturday.  They wanted me to bring in my used vials of meds since there can be a little left in the bottom.  They drew up all that was left and were able to get another dose!  That saves be from dropping another grand at the pharmacy.  I still have to get my other medication from the pharmacy so that is what I am going to do as soon as I hit publish.  Drive into downtown Denver and try to find the pharmacy!  Awesome.  

I go back on Saturday morning for another recheck.  We are tentatively looking at an egg retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Lonnie is just waiting for confirmation before booking his flight.  

Sometimes (like right now after writing this) I feel like this is all so crazy.  There is just so much and it is overwhelming at times.  But, in the end, I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my family.  I would ramble on here about why it is right for us and how bad I want to make Blakely a big sister (and how much I miss that girl!) but then I would just cry and not be able to stop.  These hormones are no freaking joke.  

Again, I really appreciate each and every one of you for reading and supporting me.  I seriously don't know what I would do without this space and the friends I have made here.  All of the prayers, well wishes and good vibes being sent my way are working!  Love y'all!  

Also, feel free to ask any questions.  I am an open book!  Aaaaaaand just a reminder that I am documenting this on insta.gram @mile_high_mama if you want to follow me there.  

I am going to tell you a story. Part 5.

*A reminder.  All of this was written on Sunday July 7.  I have added some things at the bottom of this post to address some questions that have come up over the past week.*

I know this story has been long.  I really appreciate anyone who reads it.  It has been very cathartic for me to write everything down.  It is helping me to move on.  I am going to end this story with my thoughts on the whole thing.  

As I said in the last post, I am still in shock that this happened to us.  I have a lot of emotions swirling around in me.

I am pissed.  They screwed up my "last" chance to get pregnant.  How can I not be angry?  I seem to be getting a bit angrier by the day.  

I am sad.  Obviously.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  I went through all of that  just to have it end because of someone else's mistake.  Forget all of the physical pain because I can get over that, but the emotional pain is what hurts the most.  

I sort of blame myself.  What if I had said something about ICSI to someone at any point in time.  Would that have changed the outcome?  I signed consents for ICSI.  I thought that was enough.  I didn't think I needed to "remind" them.  

I feel sorry for Dr. B.  I know some may be surprised by this but I really do.  I know he didn't want to make that call to me.  I know he would never want this to happen.  I know he didn't sleep that night knowing that he was going to rock my world the next day.  And I guarantee he hasn't stopped thinking about it since.  He is the doctor.  He takes all the blame when anyone messes up.  Believe me.  My husband has to apologize for others mistakes all the time.  I know he will never forget this mistake that his clinic made.  I cannot be angry at him.  

The clinic is in a state of upheaval.  I knew it when I learned that Dr. M quit.  I should have known when I got that first call from the nurse and she didn't know what cycle day I was on.  If there is anything positive that can come of what happened to us, it is this.  They will change the way they do things.  They will not become complacent again.  They will double check every detail from now on.  I know it.  I know these people.  I have been going there since 2009.  I know they want the best for their patients.  I know this mistake is not going to fade out of their minds soon.  They will all be very aware that they can screw up, and in the business they are in, it messes with people's lives, minds and bodies.  As horrific as this mistake was, I know that it could have been worse.  Not much worse but still worse.  And I know they know that too.  I know this is a great clinic and I would not have my miracle Blakely without each and every one of them.  I am not writing any of this to bash them.  I am thankful for them.  I am writing all of this to help myself heal and to share my story with y'all.  

I have allowed myself a few days to wallow in self pity.  I have eaten crappy food, drank caffeine for the first time in months (whoa!) and enjoyed a few adult beverages.  I am going to pull myself out of this funk soon. 

After reflecting for a few days and accepting that I have to move on from these emotions, I am still left with this.  I am confused.  How can we let our last try for a baby be this one?  How can we go out like that?  How do you accept that you will never be pregnant again when on your last try someone else messed up your chance?  I can't do it.  I cannot accept this IVF as our last try for a baby.  I just can't do it.

Now.  There is no way I am in a place to try again right now.  I don't know that I will ever be ready to do IVF again.  I am worn out.  Over the next few months Lonnie and I will be doing a lot of thinking and talking.  I can't accept that as our last try but I don't think I can do IVF again.  See? I am confused.  The clinic has offered us a full refund of our money.  We can also just do a free cycle instead of getting a refund if we want.  We are going to take the refund and I am going to buy myself something nice.  Something really freaking nice.  

Again, thank you all for listening.  I have shed many tears writing this but it has really helped me to get out of my funk.  Blogging is the best.  Blog friends are even better.  

This little blue eyed beauty makes everything better as well.  :)

-This is a really great clinic that made a bad mistake.  I can forgive but I will not be able to ever forget.  If we wanted another opinion at a different clinic we would have to travel a minimum of 3 hours away.  An option but not a great one.  
-Dr. B made a judgement call in allowing the eggs and sperm to at least try to fertilize instead of freezing the eggs.  I also had not signed a consent for egg freezing so there is that.  He did tell me that the covering around my eggs was not as thick as it had been in the past but he also said that he "was pretty sure" they wouldn't fertilize.  
-The embryologist that WAS there was not trained in ICSI.  He is in the process of learning but it is a very long and detailed thing to be able to do it.  Dr. B even told me he thought about letting the guy try and see what happened.  In the end he felt that was unethical and did not allow it.  I agree.
-I'd be happy to answer any more questions if there are any.  I try to respond via email when someone comments but not everyone has an email attached to their blogger profile.  (Get one!)  So comment with a question or just email me.  


Y'all.  What in the world would I do without you?  I really just want to say again how thankful I am to have made such great friends through this blog.  You guys have been amazing through this story and I appreciate you reading.  Thank you all so much for the sweet words of encouragement on each post and for genuinely caring about me and my family.  I know I haven't "met" many of you but I feel very attached to you and your families as well.  Thank you for being there for me.  It means more than I can express in words.  

I am going to tell you a story. Part 4

This is part 4 in my story of our fifth IVF. 

Lonnie and I got to the clinic on Thursday the 4th of July at 830.  I brought them donuts because I know no one wants to be at work on a holiday!

I knew going into the retrieval that we would not be getting as many eggs as we had in the past.  I wasn't concerning myself with the number.  I just wanted some mature eggs that could be fertilized so I could have a chance at getting pregnant.  

In order to continue this story I need to back up a little bit and tell you (for those that do not know) a little bit about the reason for our infertility and explain a little bit of the IVF process.  I will keep this pretty simple but I feel that it is needed in order to understand what happens next.  I have the "Our journey" tab at the top that goes into all the details of our struggle with infertility and you can check that out if you are interested.  It is lengthy.  

We had unexplained infertility until our first IVF.  In "normal" IVF, after the egg is retrieved from the ovary it is put into a dish.  Then a bunch of sperm are put into each dish with each egg and they watch the magic happen.  The day after your retrieval they call you to let you know how many eggs were fertilized.  They call you each day to let you know how your embryos are growing until they decide they are ready to be transferred...usually 3 days or 5 days after the egg retrieval.  

On our first IVF, I got a call the day after our egg retrieval, from Dr. M, telling me that we didn't have any eggs fertilize.  That was not the phone call I was expecting.  We had retrieved 12 eggs so I had my hopes up very high.  To say I was upset would be an understatement.  I won't go into that but we did find out why we had been unable to get pregnant.  The outer covering of my eggs (the zona pellucida) is very thick and the sperm are not able to penetrate.  I was told this was pretty rare but there was something they could do.  We could do IVF with ICSI.  ICSI is when they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it.  So from then on we knew we had to do IVF with ICSI and we did for the following IVF's.  

Ok.  Back to this story.  Dr. B was able to retrieve 7 eggs.  That was a pretty low number but I was still hopeful.  We came home that day and I slept the rest of the day.  I could not relax until I knew the results of fertilization.  I listened to my Cir.cle + Bl.oom many times trying to relax and think positively about my little fighter embryos growing growing growing.  

The next day I tried to stay busy even though I was still in pain.  Lonnie, B and I went to the grocery store.  Right when we got back in the car my phone rang.  

It was Dr. B.  Not the nurse like usual.  

My stomach dropped.  I just knew.  Only doctors give bad news.  

He told me that we did not have any fertilization.  I looked at Lonnie and shook my head.  

Then he rocked my world.  He told me that they did not do the ICSI.  I am just going to say that again.  THEY DID NOT INJECT THE SPERM INTO THE EGGS.  In other words...they completely and totally fucked up.  

From this point on it is a bit of a blur.  I know that I burst into tears complete with sobs and shakes.  I threw the phone to Lonnie because I could not even speak.  Dr. B told him the same thing and began to explain but Lonnie told him we would have to call him back.  I was a mess and B was starting to cry in the back seat.  

The did not do ICSI.  The most important detail.  The reason we were having this done in the first place.  No embryos.

I did not have a chance to get pregnant.  No embryos.  They did not do ICSI.  It is all over.  Just like that.  

We came home and I went straight to bed.  It was the middle of the day.  I haven't cried that hard in a long time.  The only time I can even remember coming close is when I got the "no fertilization" call with our first IVF.  But that time I knew we had other options next time.  

I got up a few hours later and told Lonnie we had to call Dr. B back because I needed to know more.  How did this happen?  How in the fuck did this happen?  Did they just forget?  I mean, so many questions.  

I talked to Dr. B for almost an hour.  I got some answers.  None of them helped me to feel better.  How can they?  I am still left with no embryos.  He understood that.  He made no excuses.  He explained how it happened but he took full responsibility.  He was emotional right along with me.  There were a lot screw ups from the beginning but the basic fuck up was this.  The embryologist who does the ICSI was not working that week.  I should have never been scheduled to have my IVF during that time.  They did not realize this until right after the retrieval.  There was nothing they could do.  It should have been caught many times throughout this process.  Keep in mind I started birth control pills to begin this IVF at the end of May.  THE END OF MAY.  I fell through the cracks...  Just unbelievable.  

I am still in shock from what happened.  Even a week later I can not even believe that the clinic messed up and did not do the ICSI.  I am hurting.  I could have handled the embryos just not sticking and getting a negative pregnancy test in 2 weeks.  But this?  This is really hard to take.  They failed me and I had a lot on the line.  I am just sick.  

Part one
Part two
Part three

Lucky 13

They were able to get 13 eggs this morning.  I am hoping 13 is our lucky number.  Blakely was born on the 13th after all!  They are probably making our embryos as I type this.  Please let them fertilize properly and grow grow grow!  

I am hurting.  I just took a pain pill and am headed off to bed.  They will call me in the morning and let me know how many embryos we have and how they are doing.  Step one is over...we got the eggs.  Now on to step two...let's make some babies today!  

Quick update

I first want to thank you all for the sweet and supportive comments on my last post.  You girls lift me up when I am down and I am so thankful for this community of bloggers.  I don't know if I could be going through this without y'all!  

My appointment on Saturday went pretty well.  I saw the actual doctor I am assigned to although they are all great and I end up seeing them all through the IVF cycle.  He did my ultrasound and it looked even better.  I had about 7 follicles on the left and about 4-5 on the right with a number of smaller ones that could still catch up.  He said all was well and he would call me that afternoon with further instructions.  I mentioned that the other doctor said something about canceling the cycle and his exact words were "Oh you must have seen Dr. Doom and Gloom".  I laughed and told him that I called him Dr. Worst Case Scenario.  This doctor, Dr. M, said we would not be canceling and that my response to the meds was about average.  YEA!  

So later that afternoon he called and told me to continue the same medication Saturday night and come back Sunday.  I did and the follicles looked even better yesterday.  When he got my blood work back he said that we were ready for the trigger!  For those who are not familiar with this process, the "trigger shot" is called Ovidrel and it makes you ovulate.  You have to take this at an exact time (10pm for me).  Then you have the egg retrieval 36 hours after the shot.  So my egg retrieval is going to be tomorrow morning at 930.

I am so excited and also so nervous.  I just want to get a good number of eggs.  I am hoping for at least 12-14.  Just for comparison I had 14 with IVF #1, 14 with IVF #2, and 19 with IVF #3.  In order for embryos to be made they have to inject the sperm into my eggs (ICSI).  Since I have thick shells around my eggs (the whole reason for all of this craziness) they can't just put them in a dish and let them fertilize normally.  Anyway, usually about half of the eggs retrieved are able to be fertilized with this process and then half of those continue to grow like they should.

It is taking an army of people for us to coordinate things for tomorrow.  Here is the rundown.  Lonnie has cancelled his cases for tomorrow morning and has someone who is on vacation covering for him for 4 hours in the morning.  My mother is spending the night with us tonight because we have to leave at 645 in the morning.  Juanet, the lady who cleans my house and watches B regularly, will be at my house at 8 so my mom can go to work.  She has to leave at noon so my dad is going to come over and relieve Juanet in case I am not home yet.  Also, my mother in law is coming to the clinic in the morning in case things run long and Lonnie has to leave and come back to work.  If that happens then she will drive me home.  She will be coming to our house no matter what because she is going to take care of Blakely when we get home since I will be out of commission (also known as in pain and on drugs).  So it is taking 5 people plus me and Lonnie to make this happen.  But it is happening.  

I am feeling pretty yucky lately.  I am so bloated and my ovaries are huge and achy.  I have a constant headache and no energy whatsoever.  I am glad we are near the end.  I just want a good result.  

So there ya go.  Egg retrieval tomorrow.  I hope more than anything that we will have babies made tomorrow.  Please please please let us make some babies tomorrow.  If you have a spare minute just send some positive, happy and growing thoughts to my little embabies tomorrow!  I'll try to update when I get home tomorrow afternoon.  

Retrieval

Well egg retrieval #3 was today.  You would think that I would not be nervous but I still was, just a little.  Not about the procedure (because they give great drugs!) but nervous of the outcome.  I love all of the girls at the clinic and they are all so sweet to me but, honestly, I am tired of seeing them this way!  I made cookies last night to take my mind off of everything and I took them to the clinic this morning.  The cookies are called Just The Best Cookies and trust me....they are awesome!  You cannot eat just one.  And the dough is almost better than the cookies!  They loved them and really appreciated me bringing them.  If you are interested you can check out the recipe here.  

Anyway, they retrieved 19 eggs!  I was so happy about that.  I think I asked them about my eggs like 30 times because I kept forgetting.  I was not able to find out how many were mature before we left.  I just knew there were more follicles this time and I was right!  I’m feeling really positive....   

I am hurting pretty bad this time.  The doctor told me that I would have more pain and he told me the reason but I forgot.  I think it had something to do with having more follicles.  

Anyhoo.....I am going to take some pain meds, drift off into sweet sleep and dream about beautiful eggs meeting beautiful sperm and making beautiful embryos!!


By the way....I hope all this makes sense because my brain is foggy and the meds are kicking in!!!

Ready to go

I went back to the doctor today for lab and ultrasound.  My ovaries look great with many follicles.  I think this is the best they have looked...ever (Go ovaries!).  He measured a total of about 15 but I think that there were actually more...remember...I do ultrasound!  Let’s just hope a lot of those are mature.  My past two IVF’s they have retrieved 14 eggs each time with 8 mature on #1 and 7 mature on #2.  I am really hoping for 10 mature eggs.  I know that I shouldn’t hope because that has never worked out for me, but I just can’t help it.  If I can’t hope then what else is there?

So, I am to take Follistim 150 only (been taking 375) at 8pm tonight.  I haven’t done this before.  Usually I only do the Ovidrel.  He said that he was adding this for two reasons:

1. Studies are showing that it increases the success rate because the patients FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) does not drop down.  
2. It also helps those follicles that are borderline to mature.  This will help in my situation because we are just trying to get as many eggs as possible since we have to do ICSI.  

Also I am to take Ovidrel at midnight.  I go in Tuesday at 1030.  Wow....it is here.     

He talked to me about hyper-stimulation.  You can read a little about this here.  My estrogen is pretty high...higher than it has been before so I am for sure at risk for this.  He told me to just stay hydrated and take it easy and I should be ok.  Keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

I can’t believe it is here.  I am excited because I feel like this is going to work (3rd time is a charm right???).  I am nervous because this is our THIRD time...how many can we do this??  I am scared because I know that there is chance that this will not work and I am not sure what to do if it doesn’t.  

BUT

I am going to hope.

I am going to stay positive.

I am going to dream.  

Because that is all I can do.....it is out of my hands....