WOW!

After waiting forever I finally got the call I have wanted for.   

I AM PREGNANT!  

What a day it has been...

I got up way early to head to Little Ro.ck (hour drive).  As I was walking out the door Sarah texted me just to say she loved me.  I told her I was about to leave.  She asked if Lonnie was coming and I said no.  She said come get me and I'll ride with you.  I'll be ready in five!  I was like yes!  I am so thankful for a friend like that because it helped me so much.  I was totally distracted from obsessing about the results and it was wonderful.  

When I got home Lonnie and I sat outside because the weather is so nice.  Blakely spent the night at my mom's house so it was just the 2 of us.  This is where things get a little crazy.   At some point Lonnie's phone rings and it is Dr. B from our Little Ro.ck clinic.  I was like holy shit.  He answered and I just put my head in my hands.  They talked for a few minutes and I couldn't understand what they were talking about.  Something about the labs and yes they want the results today or something.  Lonnie was giving nothing away and he looked very concerned.  

When he got off the phone I said OMG JUST TELL ME!  He said it is positive.  I was like WHAT???   He said yes, the beta was positive.  He wasn't sounding all that excited but he is not one to show much emotion so I was just confused.  I said did he tell you a number?  He said yes...it was over 400.  This is where I started bawling.  I couldn't believe it.  I was worried in that moment that maybe my beta was really low and that is why Lonnie was being so very calm.  But 400 is HIGH.  

The reason Dr. B called is that the result was high so they needed to dilute it to get a more accurate result which was going to take a while.  He also wanted to know if they wanted an estrogen and progesterone level.  

At this point I was excited but nervous.  We weren't sure if we needed to be worried since the result was high.  Both of our medical minds were racing.  After a while Dr. B called back and said my beta was 476 and the estrogen and progesterone levels were fine.  He was faxing the results to Den.ver and we should hear from them soon.  I asked him my questions and he said not to be worried.  

Then I waited FOREVER to hear from my clinic.  ALL DAY.  I mean I've been excited but for some reason I just wanted confirmation from them.  It didn't feel real until then.  Just talked to them and everything is fine.  I asked about being worried about a high beta (mainly a molar pregnancy...don't goo.gle it)...she said no. It could mean twins but there is no way to know until ultrasound.  They do see betas over 400 with singleton pregnancies.  

So there it is!  I hope this all makes sense because Blakely is waking from her nap and I gotta go so I can't re-read.  

The point is...I AM TOTALLY PREGNANT!  

Side note... My beta with Blakely on this exact day (14 days after conception) was 92.  Today it is 476.  #holy  

One more thing.  I changed my instag.ram to private.  Mainly because some random friends on FB had found it.  I have a few requests pending and if they are my blog friends I want to accept!  Please leave your username in the comments or email it to me!  southernprincesskelly {at} gmail {dot} com

up and down... back and forth...

The title of this post basically explains me right now.  

My pregnancy test is this Sunday.  As in 2 days from now.  And I am literally driving myself crazy.  

One minute I have completely convinced myself that I am pregnant.  Five minutes later I have convinced myself that there is no way I am pregnant.  Back and forth all day long.  

When I was still in Denver I was feeling pretty hopeful that this whole frozen transfer worked.  I was able to really lay down and stay down for a few days.  It was much easier to be on bed rest there than here.  I mean it wasn't as comfortable as my own home but I didn't have the distractions that I would have had here.  But boy did I miss my peeps.  I had a little bit of cramping a few days after the transfer but nothing too crazy.  I am so in tune with my body and over analyze ever single little twinge otherwise I probably wouldn't have even felt it.

Now that I am home I am feeling much more negative than positive.  I still have my  moments where I hope that it worked but overall I just feel like it didn't.  I have had some more cramping since I have been home and I don't know if that is good or bad but I feel like it is bad. I hope I am wrong.  Part of me thinks this is my way of protecting myself.  Preparing myself.  I have gotten the call more than once that crushed me.  I really hope that doesn't happen this time.  But if it does, I will be okay.  It will take me a while but I will be.   

I should probably look back at my posts during this time with Blakely's cycle but I am scared.  I am sure it is something similar to this post.  Not knowing...going crazy.  I remember with my 4th IVF (the first one after giving birth to Blakely) I was convinced I was pregnant.  I really truly thought I was.  It was rough to learn that I was not.  

I have cried multiple times, due to both things.  Cried thinking about getting that call telling me I am pregnant.  I remember that phone call with Blakely's pregnancy like it was yesterday.  Day dreamed about when and how we will tell Blakely she is going to be a big sister.  Thought about what we will do with her room and how we will rearrange the house.  I have cried thinking about getting that phone call telling me I am not pregnant and that it is all over (has happened more than once).  Just a lot of crying and wishing and hoping and ready to know the result of this.  

I am glad my test is on a Sunday so Lonnie can be home with me.  I will probably make him answer the phone because I am going to be so freaking nervous.  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I go early in the morning for labs and then come home and wait.  My clinic here in Arkansas will fax the results to CCRM and then a nurse from CCRM will call me and let me know.  It's all very dramatic.  

I hope I get a good result but I am very nervous.  I will definitely update this space as well as my instagram @mile_high_mama  when I find out.  Here's hoping...

It's done!

The transfer went great this morning!  

My phone rang at 7:15 this morning and it was the embryology lab calling to confirm that I was in town and would be making it to the transfer. I said yes and then she said "Okay then. We will start the thawing process now and see you in a bit".  

I started crying when she hung up. Like blubbering, snorting hard core crying. It took me 10 minutes to get it together. It completely caught me off guard. I think the reality of it all just hit me.  It wasn't a sad cry but a super happy one. A thankful cry. A grateful cry.  I called Lonnie and he made me feel that much better. 

We headed over to the clinic and the first thing they did was give me a Valium so my uterus wouldn't cramp after the transfer. Then I just had to wait. I closed my eyes and listened to my meditations for a while and then the embryologist came in. He told me that both embryos did great during the thawing process and they were "expanding nicely".  Such great news! I texted that to Lonnie and then listened to more meditations. 

My lucky socks from my awesome Bridget!  Dr. S even commented on my crazy socks. I told them they were lucky even though they were Steelers colors!  ;)

Soon after talking to Lonnie the sonographer, Dr. S, and the embryologist came in to start the transfer process. I got to see the embryos on his computer screen before he drew them up in the catheter.  I liked that!  It isn't painful at all but is uncomfortable. Mainly because you have a full bladder. The sonographer is pressing on your bladder with the transducer and you have a speculum in so you pretty much feel like you're going to pee everwhere!  

Once the embryos were in I laid there for an hour. I listened to more meditations and dozed off most of the time. 

Now I am back at the hotel snuggling up with my two sweet embryos and the two peeps Blakely sent with me. 

Now I just lay here and wait. I am just so happy to be in this place right now. Hang in there babies and stick stick stick!  

Ready!

Tomorrow is the day!  We will be transferring 2 beautiful, wonderful and perfect embryos.  I am so very ready to do this thing.  Nervous, yes.  But more than anything I am excited.  We have been working towards this specific goal for almost 10 months.  Part of me can't believe we are actually here and doing this.  I just think back to December when Lonnie and I decided that we had to make a move on what we wanted to do regarding having another baby.  And now here we are with 3 frozen day 5 blasts.  Amazing.  

I'll update tomorrow on how things go!  Here we go!  

Freak mode

I just got the call today that we are all set for our frozen embryo transfer for next Friday.  Holy moly I am so nervous and so freaking excited at the same time!  I am ready ready ready to do this thing.  My body screams that it is ready and in my heart I know this is going to be great. 

A few days ago I went into total freak mode.  You see, I can not get sick.  That would be no good, terrible awful.  So I pulled Blakely from MDO this week and we have been hibernating.  The very last thing we did that required being in contact with other people (besides the close fam) was dance class on Tuesday night.  Since then we have not left the house much.  And when we do I am a hand washing/sanitizing crazy person.  I had to go with my mom to the hospital to have her cardioversion done and I am pretty sure she wishes she would have left me at home due to the number of times I threw sanitizer on her hands or told her not to touch something.  It really has overcome me.  

I make Lonnie strip down at the door when he gets home and then shower before touching either of us.  He is ready for me to leave for sure!  I had to leave Blakely with my aunt while I went to the doctor for labs and made her wash her hands before touching Blakely...and no kisses.  I mean I am driving myself crazy so I know these people want to yell at me to chill the eff out.  

But I can't.  This is too important.  We are so close to the end goal of getting these sweet embryos into my uterus.  

I will be that girl wearing a mask on the airplane...the germiest of germy places on the planet (We can just call it the germ tube if you like).  Ugh, shivers just thinking about that.  My aunt is going with me and I will be making her wear one as well.  I am sure she will be thrilled.  Love you Jenni and sorry but thank you for coming and taking care of me while I am on bed rest!  

Oh dear readers...we are almost there.  We have been working towards this transfer since January, almost nine whole months.  This summer has been insane and part of me thinks it has been the worst one ever.  But then I remember that this is the summer that we made three perfect embryos.  This is the summer that we got the chance that we have been waiting for and wanting for so long.  And I just know that this summer is going to end on a really POSITIVE note. :)  Let's do this!  

Where I should be

I should be in Denver right now snuggled up with two perfect embryos.  Having my aunt wait on me hand and foot so I can lay in bed and pray for those perfect embryos to stick.  

But that is not the case.  We postponed our embryo transfer so I am here, at home.  It was a tough decision and it wasn't all at the same time.  We wanted to go ahead with it so bad but Lonnie was just too sick.  I would have been worried about him constantly and that is not conducive to trying to get pregnant.  I talked to my nurse and she made me feel better about it, she said it happens sometimes.  We would have had regrets if we went through with it in haste and it didn't work.  Should we have waited?  Did the stress play a factor?  Why did we rush it?

So I am here.  At home.  And that is right where I should be.  Taking care of my husband.  Hooking him up to his IV three times a day, forcing him to drink more Gato.rade and asking him too many times how he is feeling.  Our little embryos will be there in a few months when the timing is right.  :)

The 4th and some things.

I hope everyone had a great 4th!  Isn't is wonderful when it falls on a Friday?  We drove about 2.5 hours to my brother in laws house on Thursday and stayed all weekend.  

They just put in a pool so we were outside all weekend.  It is really more of a backyard experience than just a pool.  They have a new outdoor kitchen and indoor/outdoor patio area.  Totally wonderful and it felt like we were at a resort all weekend!  

The kids swam and we ate wonderful food.  I don't know if I have mentioned this before but my BIL, Marshall, is an amazing cook.  He cooked all of our meals and each one of them was amazing.  He seriously should have been a gourmet chef.  We always get fed really well when he is around.  

I won't overwhelm you with pictures but only because I didn't take any.  I forgot my good camera and, really, having a 2 and a half year old around a pool there is no time to do anything but watch her.  Thank goodness for my mother in law who helped with that so I could enjoy a few poolside drinks.  :)

I did snap this one of Blakely and her cousin Syble's other cousin, Sophie Grace.  Confused?  Anyway, turns out they had on matching swimsuits.  Not planned but adorable anyway.  I am a sucker for Ol.d Na.vy holiday gear.  Gets me every time.  

Lonnie picked blackberries a couple of times last week.  Blakely really wanted to go so we let her but just for a little bit.  Too many snakes!  She thought it was fun and has been trying to get Daddy to go again.  

They are really great this year because we have had a lot of rain.  The first night I made some mini blackberry pies.  They turned out good but the cobbler I made the next night was even better.  We have been snacking on them of the for a while and I am kind of blackberried out.  I put the rest of what we have in the freezer.  He says he may go a few more times but we will see.  I am so mad that I didn't take a picture of the final cobbler because it was pretty! 

It was a year ago that all the shit went down with our 5th IVF.  (one, two, three, four, five)  I am over it now but I would be lying if I said I wasn't still a little bitter.  That really messed me up for a while.  I don't know if I would have even remembered the day except my retrieval was on the 4th of July and that is hard to forget.  Anyway, I am really happy with where we are in our infertility journey now.  What a difference a year makes!

Speaking of infertility, I have started my medications for our frozen embryo transfer.  We have a tentative date of transfer of July 28th!  Wow.  That is really soon.  Right now I am injecting 5 units of lu.pron each morning and taking a baby aspirin.  I put on an estrogen patch every other day and that will gradually increase to 4 patches every other day over the next few weeks.  I am thrilled and excited that we are getting so close to the last step in this process.  I am also getting quite nervous!  

Lastly, thank you of all of the concern and well wishes for my mom.  She is doing better and has a check up today.  She has sure enjoyed the extra Blakely snuggles!  

playing catch up!

Things have been a bit nuts around here.  In a good way.  Lonnie has had some random days off and the weather has been nice so we've had quite a bit of fun family time.  I keep meaning to blog about certain things but I forget!  So here we go with a miss mash of a post and some pictures thrown in!  

• FIRST OF ALL.  I found out late last week that all three of our embryos are chromosomally normal!  Can I get a hallelujah?  I nearly flipped when I saw the clinic number on my phone.  But she immediately told me it was good news.  I cried.  Like full on silly cry.  I didn't mean to do it but it snuck up on me and I couldn't stop.  We have a phone consult with Dr. S on July 3rd and we are tentatively looking at a frozen transfer at the end of July/early August.  OMG.  

• Blakely is still going to MDO 2 days a week.  They aren't usually open during the summer but they decided to give it a try.  I am super happy about that because Blakely would have missed it so much!  I wanted to take a comparison picture of her from the beginning of the school year to the end.  It amazes me how much she has changed.  I mean, I expected it, but, she just looks so grown up!  And tall.  

• We have been going to the pool pretty much every weekend for the last month.  The first few times Blakely didn't really want to "swim".  She had to have me holding her AT ALL TIMES.  She didn't even want to get down in the water much.  Well fast forward to yesterday and all of the sudden she can swim all over the pool with her puddle jumper on.  Deep end, shallow end, jump off the steps, spin herself around, climb up on the floaties.  It is amazing.  I was so surprised at how much progress she made in just one day.  Something clicked with her and she realized holy crap I can swim around here!  Ha!  We are hopefully starting swim lessons soon.

• I found a co-op in my town!  I can't tell you how excited this makes me.  I have been wanting to find one for a while but I couldn't.  I am not really one to just go to the farmer's market, chat them up and ask if I can buy food from them on the regular.  I was reading one of our local magazines and boom, there it was.  The best part?  Besides farm fresh food obviously, is that you order online!  I just placed my second order and I was so thrilled with my first one.  Everything was so fresh and just beautiful!  This time I ordered some meats as well as veggies and fruit.  Eventually I would like to get all of my meat from them but I am starting slow.  See?  Pretty!

• On Fridays, after gymnastics class we go to my dad's house.  Last Friday we took a little boat ride while we were over there.  Blakely had a blast.  For about 20 minutes.  Then this happened....  I've told you before...boats are magic toddler sleep machines.  

• Last week at MDO they had water week.  They had some little pools and sprinklers set up outside and the kids got to play.  Well since then, Blakely has been begging to "play in the water and play in the little fishie pool and play in the sprinkler and run run run through the sprinkler like we did at school please Mommy please".  Everything is an elaborate run on sentence around here.  So I dug out the little pool I bought when she was a baby and the child was thuh-rilled.  I set up our sprinkler and she was a little timid about it at first but after a few tries she was running around like crazy.  So  much so that I went online right then and bought another ball like sprinkler for her.  I love summer.  

• Lonnie and I have been playing co-ed softball again this year.  Have I mentioned that? It is fun but it is hot.  Last week we had 2 games and it was 95 degrees with like a million percent humidity.  Towards the end I thought I may just lay down in the outfield. I think we have about 3 weeks left.  Good news is that I haven't been injured yet!

• I got Lonnie a Keu.rig for Father's Day.  Why did we not purchase this like 5 years ago? And why did no one tell me that it makes a lot more than just coffee?!?!?  I don't drink coffee so I never paid a bit of attention to the thing.  Hello Kelly (autocorrect tried to change that to Hello K.itty.  WTF).  It it so much more than a coffee maker.  I may have just placed a very large order of tea, cider, hot chocolate and lemonade.  B will flip over the lemonade.  Girl is obsessed.  She helps "make coffee with Daddy in his new coffee maker we got for him for Daddy Day yesterday and I sit on counter with Daddy and help him make super hot coffee".  Love that girl...

• The other night I put Blakely's pajamas on and forgot to pull her hair out of the neck.  A few minutes later I looked over and saw this.  How cute would a little toddler bob be?  Not going to happen but I had to take a pic of the cuteness.  Although I am about to make her an appointment for a trim.  Her very first one.  Just a trim...

Okay.  I think y'all are caught up!  Happy Monday!  

It's been feelin' like the weekend.

Lonnie was off last weekend and then, randomly, was off Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well.  We've been busy having lots of fun so my days are all mixed up and I've thought it was the weekend all week long.  Now it is Friday so I am just plain confused.  Ha!    

To start, I'll let y'all know that our other 4 embryos did not make it.  We were pretty sad about this when we found out on Tuesday we but chose not to dwell on it since we DO have 3 frozen embryos.  Now we just wait for the genetic testing on those.  That should take about 2-3 weeks and then the chromosomally normal ones will be available for transfer.  I have already started the protocol to build up my uterine lining to prep for a frozen transfer.  I just have a good feeling that these embryos are fighters and this is all going to work out!  

Last Saturday we went to a birthday pool party for my friend Keisha's daughter, Kyndal.  I couldn't get in the water due to my recent surgery so it was a little stressful to say the least.  No way was I letting Blakely get in by herself.  There were like 30 kids all running around and swimming so I was constantly making sure she was not close to the edge, someone taking her in, etc.  Not to mention it was HOT.  By the time it was over I was worn out.  She and I both came home and took a three hour nap!

When we woke up we took our first boat ride of the season.  Blakely was as fan.  She is immediately hungry the second we step foot on the boat.  I always pack like 4 snacks for her.  

Lonnie worked Monday but we met him after work to get some ice cream.  Blakely slept in panties overnight with no accidents so that was cause for major celebration!  

Then he was off again so Tuesday afternoon we picked B up from MDO and drove the hour to my MIL's house.  She has a pool and we were wanting some fun in the sun.  Blakely was a little timid at first but once she got used to it she was jumping in (with us catching her) and "practicing" her swimming.  My niece and nephew were there so Blakely was constantly entertained.  We spent the night and swam more the next day.  

We drove home Wednesday late afternoon because Lonnie and I had a softball game that night.  Y'all.  We have so much fun.  I get really nervous at the beginning of the game (hello, it has been a good 15 years since I have played) but then once the game gets going it all comes back to me.  Of course I am still sore!  

Yesterday our friends came to pick us up on their boat and we took a ride for a few hours.  Then we stopped at a pizza place on the lake and had lunch.  Their boys are 18 months and 4 years old so Blakely had loads of fun playing with them.  She conked out on the boat on the ride back home.  The boat is like a magic toddler sleeping machine.  Then when we got back home she told me she was still sleepy so I put her in her bed.  She slept for another hour.  This is completely unheard of.  Usually if she falls asleep for even 5 minutes in the car then there will be no napping after that.  

Lonnie is back at work today but then he is off for the weekend.  We are having a little sprinkle for my friend Tina and her total surprise third baby tomorrow morning.  After that I think we are going to head over to my grandfather's house and play in his pool.  It should be another fun summer weekend!  I hope you all get to enjoy being outside this weekend too!  

One step closer.

I know my blog is all about this IVF right now but, honestly, I am consumed by it.  There is just not much else going on in my life so bear with me.  I promise to post about something else soon!  

So I talked to the embryologist about an hour ago.  Of those original 4 embryos they were able to biopsy (CCS test) and freeze 3 of them.  3 out of 4 is really good!  My main fear this ENTIRE time was that we wouldn't have any embryos make it day 5 or 6 to be frozen.  And we have 3!  So yay!  

Also, those other 4 embryos that were created on the second day are still growing.  They are a day behind, obviously, because they were made a day later.  Tomorrow is day 6 for them so if they make it to the blastocyst stage then they will biopsy and freeze those tomorrow.  She made me a little nervous about these for some reason.  She said that 2 of them were lagging behind the other 2.  She said everything was fine but I, of course, have latched on to that and am stressing about it.  I just hope and pray that they keep growing and are able to be frozen tomorrow.  They are going to call and let me know something tomorrow.  

So, we are one step closer.  We have 3 frozen already and 4 more that could possibly be frozen tomorrow.  We are almost there.  We will get the results of the genetic (CCS) testing in three weeks.  The waiting and wishing and hoping and praying and worrying and stressing is difficult but I know all of this is worth it.  I feel really good about the whole process and I am so very thankful things have gone so well.  

And I am finally feeling back to normal.  I was a bloated up mess and now I have lost the 7 pounds (7 pounds!) I gained while pumped full of hormones.  Whew...it was not comfortable!  

Grow little embryos grow!  

Happy tears!

The embryologist called me about an hour ago.  She said that of the 5 eggs that matured overnight that they performed day 2 ICSI on.....they were able to make 4 more embryos!  FOUR MORE EMBRYOS!  

!!!!!!!!!!!

So now we have a total of 8 embryos.  I have been crying on and off since that phone call.  Such happy tears.  I just really wasn't expecting such good news.  I thought I was grasping by wanting one or two more so that phone call threw me for a loop.  

They did not check on the initial 4 today so we don't know how they are doing or if any more happened to start growing.  I will not hear anything else until Monday when they will call to tell me how many made it to the blastocyst stage and are available to freeze.  

This waiting is insane and hard.  But being with my sweet girl makes it much easier.  If I was still in a random Den.ver hotel I would have lost my mind by now.  

I hope and pray these little embryos keep growing and growing.  Stay strong little ones!  Mommy is trying to stay strong too!  

Embryo report

I got a phone call this morning while I was on the rental car shuttle.  We had told the embryologist that we would not be home until after one o'clock so I was expecting the call then but I guess they make these calls early!  

She told me this...

Out of the 18 eggs, 9 of them were mature.  Out of those 9, four fertilized normally.  

So we have 4 embryos.  But they are going to watch those other 5 to see if they divide.  Since it had not even been 24 hours since ICSI ("fertilization") they would wait to see if those divided.  It is not super likely but it is possible.  

Also, 5 of the eggs that were not mature yesterday matured overnight.  She said that they were going to ICSI those today.  She also said that was not as good as doing it on day one so it did not mean we would get embryos out of those but they would try.  They are going to call me tomorrow to let me know about those 5 that they ICSI's today. 

This is why we chose this clinic.  Their lab is one of the best.  We knew they could do the most with whatever I gave them.  I think when we knew I had 18 eggs, Lonnie and I were both hoping for a higher number of embryos.  But, honestly, I am just glad that we have some.  All I want is a chance to get pregnant.  Just a chance.  I have to have faith in this lab that they are doing everything possible to grow these embryos.  

I am hoping and praying that these embryos keep growing.  Whatever the number is I just want them to keep growing.  Blakely was a little fighter embryo and I just feel that we have a couple of those in this batch.  Please please please.  

Also, I am home now.  I couldn't be happier.  I am still hurting but I can at least get comfortable.  But let me tell you, traveling the day after surgery is NO JOKE!  I do not recommend it.  

I have never been happier than to see this girl.  

She was happy to see me too.  We have been snuggling and kissing and hugging and playing all evening.  I don't ever want to leave her again.

18!

They were able to get 18 eggs!  

18!

I am so happy with that number.  So happy.  We will not know until tomorrow how many of those were mature and how many were of good quality but this is a great start.  GREAT.  

I am definitely in pain.  Quite a bit of pain.  I'm not sure I've had this much pain after retrieval before.  Maybe I just don't remember.  I don't know.  It hurts to move.  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to lay down.  I've been told I can take extra strength Tyle.nol and I did but not much relief with that.  I plan on taking more before bed so hopefully I can sleep.  After all my other retrievals I've slept the day away after.  I haven't slept at all today.  Just can't get comfortable.  

But!

18 eggs!  18!  Squeal!

Totally worth it.  

Our embryos are probably being created as I type this.  I can't stop thinking about it.  You can do this embryos!  Grow grow grow!  

I'll update tomorrow with that number! 

It's time!

I just got the call from my nurse and I get to take my trigger shot tonight!  I am so excited.  I was really going to cry if I had to go one more day.  I mean I knew it would be for the best but I am so uncomfortable and so ready to get this show on the road.  

Lonnie sent this to me a few days ago.  It made me laugh.  :)

Although at this point I feel like my ovaries are bigger than your head.  

So tonight (Sunday) I take a new medication at exactly midnight.  Then I take it again tomorrow at noon.  I go in for lab only tomorrow and then I get to pick my husband up from the airport.  Can not wait to see him.  For real.  

I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tomorrow night and I go in for my egg retrieval Tuesday morning.  Oh I am so excited for Tuesday to get here.  Mainly because that is when the important stuff starts.  Ya know, the making of the embryos.  I really really really hope and pray that my eggs are of good quality and they are mature so we can get the best possible embryos.  The last IVF (that was completely fucked up from the jump) my eggs were not mature and I was told they were not good quality.  I just hope that was a fluke or a lie.  I'll take either at this point.  

So far things have gone better than I could have expected.  I have responded well to the medications and I have at least 9 follicles on my right ovary and at least 6 on my left ovary.  A total of 15 eggs sounds wonderful to me.  When we had our consult with Dr. S back in March he said he would be shooting for 10 eggs with me.  So hopefully my ovaries have overachieved.  Here is the number of eggs they have gotten in all five of my previous attempts.  

IVF #1 - 14 eggs
IVF #2 - 14 eggs
IVF #3 - 19 eggs (Blakely's cycle)
IVF #4 - 13 eggs
IVF #5 - 7 eggs.  

My estrogen is higher than it has ever been.  When I triggered on IVF #3 it was like 2500 (the highest to this point) and this time it is 5300.  Hoping that means mature eggs.  It also means I feel like shit.  But totally worth it.  

Just some things to keep in mind.  I won't necessarily get the same number of embryos as the number of eggs.  Not all of the eggs will be mature (they can be premature or post mature) and some may not fertilize properly.  Usually a little more than half of the good eggs will be fertilized properly with ICSI.  Then those little balls of cells need to grow grow grow.  I will update on Tuesday when I get back to the hotel in the afternoon.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  Well let me just put it out there that I do not feel strong.  At all.  I feel weak and tired and like a little anxious ball of nerves.  I have cried numerous times while being here.  Mainly in the last couple of days.  Sometimes for a legit reason (I hurt) and other times not so much (I feel certain that Blakely will want nothing to do with me when I get home).  I have major anxiety every single time I drive to the clinic and have to immediately go into the bathroom and get it together when I get there.  I am an anxious person.  I am doing my best to control that and I have done a pretty good job (thank you essential oils).  If all I have to do is spend a minute or two in the bathroom talking myself down then I am doing well.  But it is a vicious cycle.  I know that stress and anxiety is not good for me right now.  So when I do get anxious I start to worry.  Which leads to stress. Blah.  Anyway, the point is that I do not feel strong but I feel like I am coping.  I am making it.  I am extremely excited to see Lonnie tomorrow so he can take some of the stress and anxiety away.  He has a way with me.  

clinic bathroom selfie.  trying to stay distracted.  

I am so happy at this moment right now.  This is what we have been waiting for and building up to.  Please let everything go smoothly and let us get the best possible outcome.  I am so ready.  This is also the time when I start to get really nervous.  Don't ovulate too early!  Mature on up little eggiest!  But not too mature!  No weather delays for Lonnie's flight!  You get the point.  I am trying really hard to stay focused.  Grow these eggs, Kelly.  You got this. Now, let's make some babies.  

A super technical post + an update

I am still here in Denver plugging away at this IVF thing.  Things are going great except that I miss my girl, my husband and my bed.  Hotel beds are awesome for about 3 days.  The "me time" is great but now I feel pretty yuck and I don't really want and to get out and do anything.  I am trying hard not to mope.  

A little recap of the last few days.  

I had an ultrasound and lab on Tuesday.  All of that still looked good.  I had about 5 follicles on the left and about 9 on the right.  I was told to come back for a recheck on Thursday.  I also had a physical that day.  It seemed unnecessary but what do I know.  They did prick my finger to check a hemoglobin level and mine was a little high.  I was told to drink more water but it should be fine.  I can't not even tell you how much water I am drinking.  I am peeing every 5 minutes it seems.  

On Wednesday I had to go to a class all about the genetic testing (CCS) of our embryos.  I DID NOT want to go.  I was dreading it so much.  I just found out about the class the day before so I was not prepared.  The thought of going and listening to all of the risks and bad things that could happen to our embryos sounded like zero fun.  It took me 3 months to even decide to do the testing.  Sitting through a class that was going to make me doubt my decision was not on my list of things I wanted to do.  

As it turns out the class made me feel better about it.  Imagine that?  They went over the process, we had a little biology lesson and then she answered any questions.  A few things that stood out to me.

• 90% of their patients do CCS.  (A lot of people come here specifically for this testing)
• Less than 1% chance of damage/destruction of the embryo during the biopsy
• Less than 2% chance that an embryo will not survive the freezing/thawing process
• CCS is 95% accurate.  
• 1,200 healthy pregnancies via CCS
• They have had 9 misdiagnoses.  9 embryos that tested normal but they ended up not being normal.  7 of those ended in miscarriage and the other 2 were found at prenatal testing.  

Here is how the process works.  I know this is technical but, to me, it was interesting and it helped me to feel less stressed about the process.  

The day of my egg retrieval is considered day 0.  The eggs are injected with a sperm (ICSI) about 4 hours after the retrieval.  The next day (day 1) I will get a phone call from the embryologist telling me how many embryos were created.  They will then monitor the embryos for the next several days.  When the embryos get to the blastocyst stage (either day 5 or 6) they will then take the biopsy.  Little note here about the blastocyst.  They look for 2 things to determine if an embryo has reached the blastocyst stage.  1) they need to be 80-100 cells and 2) there needs to be differentiation of those cells.  This differentiation is when there becomes a ring of cells around the outside of the embryo which becomes the placenta and a mass of cells in the middle which becomes the baby.  Okay, so the biopsy takes 3-5 cells off of this outer ring.  Once the biopsy is done they freeze the embryos.  

They use a method called flash freezing.  Many years ago they used a method called a slow freeze and the embryo loss rate was 30%.  They have found that flash freezing is much better and the embryos tolerate it well.

Soooooo.  And this is important.  I will then receive a phone call (on day 5 or 6 after the embryos have been biopsied and frozen) telling me how may embryos we had that made it. I will hear from them on day 1 and not again until day 5 or 6.  OMG.  When I first heard this I was worried.  I have always been updated each day on how my embryos are doing.  The more I thought about it the more I came around to this idea.  First of all, hearing every day is a freaking emotional roller coaster.  Just read this post from my third IVF.  And then this one from the very next day.   I was a WRECK.  It seems on day 2 our embryos are never growing super fast and all I ever hear is bad things.  But then on day 3 they are always doing better.  So yeah, we will avoid that roller coaster of emotions.  I will be anxious for those 5 days no doubt.  But I did ask them and they said if all of the embryos arrest earlier than day 5 then they will call me immediately and let me know.  No news during those days is good news!

So that is the process.  I will learn the results of this testing 3 weeks after the test so 4 weeks after my retrieval.  Then I will be able to do a frozen transfer of the embryos that are available.  I can do a frozen transfer 8-12 weeks after my retrieval.

Moving on from that.  I had my recheck of labs and ultrasound yesterday.  Things are still looking good.  5-6 on the left and 8-9 on the right.  I talked to my nurse and she thought I may be on the stimulation meds a day or so longer than we thought.  This is normal but I only have enough meds until Saturday.  They wanted me to bring in my used vials of meds since there can be a little left in the bottom.  They drew up all that was left and were able to get another dose!  That saves be from dropping another grand at the pharmacy.  I still have to get my other medication from the pharmacy so that is what I am going to do as soon as I hit publish.  Drive into downtown Denver and try to find the pharmacy!  Awesome.  

I go back on Saturday morning for another recheck.  We are tentatively looking at an egg retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Lonnie is just waiting for confirmation before booking his flight.  

Sometimes (like right now after writing this) I feel like this is all so crazy.  There is just so much and it is overwhelming at times.  But, in the end, I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my family.  I would ramble on here about why it is right for us and how bad I want to make Blakely a big sister (and how much I miss that girl!) but then I would just cry and not be able to stop.  These hormones are no freaking joke.  

Again, I really appreciate each and every one of you for reading and supporting me.  I seriously don't know what I would do without this space and the friends I have made here.  All of the prayers, well wishes and good vibes being sent my way are working!  Love y'all!  

Also, feel free to ask any questions.  I am an open book!  Aaaaaaand just a reminder that I am documenting this on insta.gram @mile_high_mama if you want to follow me there.  

Here we go.

IVF #6 is officially underway.  

It actually started while I was at the beach since I started taking some medications there.  But the hard core stimulation meds started last Thursday.  I arrived in Denver Saturday and I will be here for 12 or so days.  This post is going to be a bit technical but I want to document the details and this is my place for documenting!  

My protocol this time around is different from any that I have ever done.  My previous 5 attempts were all basically the same.  Take birth control pills for a month or so.  Take lupron towards the end of the bcp's.  Stop bcp's.  Have a period and then start stimulations meds.  

This time around we skipped the birth control.  The reason you take that is basically to suppress all your hormones, mainly estrogen.  I have felt like my body doesn't respond right away to the stimulation meds the last 2 IVF's because maybe I am too suppressed?  Or maybe since I was so suppressed it took my body a few extra days to kick into to gear?  Anyway, no birth control pills this time.  This time I...

-had a period.  

-tested for ovulation 

-then started taking medication 10 days after ovulation.  

-had another period right at the time my body would normally have a period

-then started taking the medication that stimulates your ovaries to produce lots of follicles. 

To me it seemed more in line with what my body is already trying to do on a monthly basis.  I don't know?

Here is the rundown of my medications.  

-On Thursday May 15th I started taking Estra.diol (a pill) morning and night.  

-On Friday May 16th I started taking Cetro.tide (injection) in the evening

-On Sunday May 18th I stopped taking Cetro.tide

-On Tuesday May 20th I stopped taking Estra.diol

-On Wednesday May 21st I had an ultrasound and labs at home to make sure I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries and to make sure my estrogen, LH and progesterone were normal. (It was all good)

-On Thursday May 22nd I started taking Meno.pur (2 vials, injection) in the morning before 830 and Foll.istim (300 units, injection) in the evening, 12 hours after the Meno.pur and a dexametha.sone tablet before bed.  I will continue this medication everyday until it is time for retrieval.  

When we got the results of my appointment Wednesday we frantically booked my flight and my hotel room.  We didn't want to do it before just in case everything got postponed.  Luckily there was still a direct flight and I got a great deal on a hotel for being a patient of this clinic.  

I had my first lab and ultrasound here in Denver yesterday.  Everything looked good and I go back on Tuesday morning for another check.  I had about 5 follicles on my left ovary with a couple smaller ones that may or may not catch up.  And I had about 7-9 follicles on my right ovary.  They are all around the same size and that is really good.  We want them to grow at the same rate so we can get the highest number of mature eggs possible.  

A major thing that is different this time is that we are not doing a fresh transfer.  That is what we have always done.  That is where 3-5 days after the embryos are made the best ones are put back into the uterus.  This time, we are having all the embryos cultured until day five (5 days after retrieval) and then they will be frozen and genetically tested.  Once those results come back we will do a frozen transfer with the "best" embryos (not genetically abnormal).  This was a major source of stress for me that last few months, basically since we came out for testing in March.  They recommended we have this testing (called CCS).  Lonnie thought we should.  I didn't want to do it.  Here were my reasons why.  

• We have only ever had 3 embryos make it to day 5.  Blakely and 2 that were frozen on her cycle.  (We have had 8 embryos total, ever)  The thought of going through all of this and none making it to day 5 and being left with nothing makes me want to vom.  
• I didn't like not having the opportunity to transfer them on day 3 if they weren't growing well.
• I have always heard/thought frozen success rates were lower than fresh success rates
• I just felt like it was another major thing for the embryos to have to be put through that could harm them or destroy them.  Case in point...one of the embryos that made it to day 5 to be frozen during Blakely's cycle "disintegrated" during the freezing process.  Yeah...

Here were the counter points to my points (per Lonnie, my nurse and my doctor, Dr. S)

• They have one of the best labs in the country.  This was one of the reasons we decided to come here.  We felt like they could do more with whatever I gave them.  So hopefully they could culture the embryos "better" and more would make it to day 5.  (Lonnie)
• This clinic actually has better frozen success rates than fresh success rates.  (nurse and Dr. S)  Now, part of that is because they do this testing so they are only transferring genetically normal frozen embryos.  But if the reason we have had failures was due to genetically abnormal embryos then at least we would know.  (Lonnie and Dr. S)  Also, Dr. S feels like the body is not as well prepared to accept an embryo after just going through weeks of hormones and then a surgery.  He feels like a month or two after the retrieval when the body is back to normal it is better equipped to accept a pregnancy.  
• They have actually never damaged an embryo with this process.  And, not only that, it is extremely rare for them to lose an embryo during the freezing or thawing process.  My nurse couldn't even recall a time it had happened.  (nurse and Dr. S)
• One of the main reasons we changed clinics was because we wanted something different.  This is something different along with other things this cycle.  We need to trust their expertise.  That is why we chose them.  (Lonnie)

Lonnie left it up to me to decide and I decided to do the CCS testing.  I literally waited until the absolute last day possible to notify my nurse of this.  I just kept going back and forth.  But, in the end, I decided on the CCS testing.  I feel like Lonnie is right when he said we came here to trust the experts and to try something different.  I also have faith in their lab that they can get me some good day 5 embryos and this will all work out.  I told myself once I made the decision that I was not going to look back so that is what I am doing.  No what if's and no shoulda, woulda, coulda's.  This was the decision and we are going with it.  Now let's get lots of good quality eggs that can turn into good quality embryos!  

I am feeling pretty good.  I have headaches but I always do when I am on hormones.  I had one every single day I was pregnant with Blakely.  I can already feel my ovaries aching a little bit but nothing painful just something I am aware of.  I really like the place I am staying.  There is a lot of shopping nearby and that is what I did all day today.  Lots of Memori.al Day sales!  I know after a few more days I won't feel like doing anything but laying around or sleeping so I am exploring my area while I feel good.  I have a kitchen so I went to the grocery store so I wouldn't have to eat out every meal.  Although I have already seen so many new-to-me restaurants that I must try!  I brought some books and will probably find a bookstore and get more.  So far everything is good!  I am not too bored yet!  Ha!  I am sure that will come.  

Of course I miss Blakely and Lonnie like crazy already.  I know they miss me too.  I have already gotten quite a few sweet texts from the husband and I've talked to B a few times.  I can tell she is trying to be big girl.  I told her to take care of Daddy while Mommy was gone and she said, "don't worry, Mom.  I will."  Swoon.  

Also, I have decided to document this little trip of mine with a new Ins.tagram account.  I wanted to be able to update my friends and family without having to send a bunch of texts each day.  Plus, it gives me something to do!  If you would like to follow along the account is @mile_high_mama 

IVF #6 update

The last I mentioned about our upcoming IVF was when we got home from Denver for the full day of testing.  

The week after that we got all of the results back and everything looked great.  Our next step was to get labs drawn on day 3 of my cycle.  They had to send me a kit and I had to get the blood drawn at my old clinic and they shipped it to Denver.  This was mildly stressful, could have been a lot worse.  Mainly, I was worried about the clinic doing the kit correctly but that wasn't a problem.  I was also a little nervous because I had to tell my old clinic that we were going with the Denver clinic.  I didn't mind telling them I just wanted to get it over with and not dwell on it.  Blech.  

My nurse from CCRM, we will call her J, called with the results of those labs.  I was a little bit nervous about the results and I will tell you why.  They check estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, and LH (luteinizing hormone).  My FSH has always been borderline high.  Dr. B has told me it was just a little high for my age before our last 3 IVF's.  (I believe the numbers were around 12 and 13 each time...and they want it less than 10).  Older women have higher FSH levels which mean your ovaries just aren't producing like they did when you were younger.  I just turned 32, so not old.  I was worried since my eggs haven't been so great the last 2 IVF's that maybe my FSH would be sky high.  All of that explanation to say that J told me my FSH was fine...it was 9.  I was so happy to hear this.  

J explained to me the protocol Dr. S had decided upon.  It is different than what we have done before.  Previously I have been on birth control pills for about a month before starting any medication.  This protocol has no birth control pills and I begin medication based on when I ovulate instead of when I start my period.  She told me we could get started when I ovulated.  At this point I was on about day 8 so that meant we could get started really soon!  I wasn't ready and it was going to run into our beach trip.  We are absolutely going to the beach so I told her we needed to put it off another month.

Once we got the protocol and the calendar from CCRM Lonnie and I got to work looking at his schedule and trying to make sure this was going to work out.  We don't know things down to the day because anything can change but we were a little worried about the timing for when Lonnie was going to need to come out to Denver.  He had a call weekend around that time and that would be nearly impossible to switch.  We were looking at this a few weeks ago when he was off for a few days.  We realized that we may need a back up sample from him in the event that he can't make it out for my egg retrieval. (Please do not let that happen!)  But the only days he was off until the time for the egg retrieval were right then.  So we decided to fly him out to Denver to give his sample and then he flew back home the next day.  Yeah.  A little crazy.  Or maybe a lot crazy.  But there was just no way we could go through with all of this and then get almost to the end and him not be able to come.  That would have been a huge waste of everything.  So this seemed worth it to us.  (Please lord let travel expenses for IVF be tax deductible, anyone know anything about that?)  

Anyway, so I guess that is where we are now.  I will start testing for ovulation in another few days and then I will start medication 10 days after I ovulate.  I will be on that medication for a few weeks or so and then I will start the stimulation medication.  That is when things get real.

I will have one appointment at my old clinic for lab and ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are suppressed and then I will head out to Denver for all other monitoring.  

So that is all of the technical stuff.  Now how about the emotional stuff?  

I am really excited about this.  I am nervous, of course, but I am ready to do this.  I trust this clinic fully and that really helps.  I have to be able to let go of control and let them do what they are trained to do.  They know this stuff and I have to let them guide me and I trust they will guide me in the right direction.  

I want this to work so very badly.  I want to be pregnant again.  I want to feel a baby kick inside me.  I want to give birth to another baby.  I want to nurse again.  I want to make Blakely a big sister.  I want to see Lonnie holding our newborn again.  I want the sleepless nights.  I want the sore vagina.  I want the stinky spit up filled burp cloths.  I want it all.  Sometimes I feel like I need it.  I know that sounds weird but I almost feel like my life is on hold while we just wait and see what our family is going to look like.  We know what we want.  We have talked a few times about "what if we were fertile"?  We both agree that if we were able to choose when we got pregnant and how many kids we were going to have that we would for sure already have another one and we both would like to have a third.  I know we only have one so it is hard to say what we would want once we had a second but the point is we don't get to decide.  We don't have that privilege.  I can't even imagine being able to say, "Ok, our family is complete".  Am I ever going to feel like that?  I don't know but I know I don't feel that way now.  But I know we are lucky.  I know that.  I am focusing on that and staying positive through this whole process.  Actually I am just imagining that it is going to work.  Surely if I think it enough it will happen, right?