up and down... back and forth...

The title of this post basically explains me right now.  

My pregnancy test is this Sunday.  As in 2 days from now.  And I am literally driving myself crazy.  

One minute I have completely convinced myself that I am pregnant.  Five minutes later I have convinced myself that there is no way I am pregnant.  Back and forth all day long.  

When I was still in Denver I was feeling pretty hopeful that this whole frozen transfer worked.  I was able to really lay down and stay down for a few days.  It was much easier to be on bed rest there than here.  I mean it wasn't as comfortable as my own home but I didn't have the distractions that I would have had here.  But boy did I miss my peeps.  I had a little bit of cramping a few days after the transfer but nothing too crazy.  I am so in tune with my body and over analyze ever single little twinge otherwise I probably wouldn't have even felt it.

Now that I am home I am feeling much more negative than positive.  I still have my  moments where I hope that it worked but overall I just feel like it didn't.  I have had some more cramping since I have been home and I don't know if that is good or bad but I feel like it is bad. I hope I am wrong.  Part of me thinks this is my way of protecting myself.  Preparing myself.  I have gotten the call more than once that crushed me.  I really hope that doesn't happen this time.  But if it does, I will be okay.  It will take me a while but I will be.   

I should probably look back at my posts during this time with Blakely's cycle but I am scared.  I am sure it is something similar to this post.  Not knowing...going crazy.  I remember with my 4th IVF (the first one after giving birth to Blakely) I was convinced I was pregnant.  I really truly thought I was.  It was rough to learn that I was not.  

I have cried multiple times, due to both things.  Cried thinking about getting that call telling me I am pregnant.  I remember that phone call with Blakely's pregnancy like it was yesterday.  Day dreamed about when and how we will tell Blakely she is going to be a big sister.  Thought about what we will do with her room and how we will rearrange the house.  I have cried thinking about getting that phone call telling me I am not pregnant and that it is all over (has happened more than once).  Just a lot of crying and wishing and hoping and ready to know the result of this.  

I am glad my test is on a Sunday so Lonnie can be home with me.  I will probably make him answer the phone because I am going to be so freaking nervous.  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I go early in the morning for labs and then come home and wait.  My clinic here in Arkansas will fax the results to CCRM and then a nurse from CCRM will call me and let me know.  It's all very dramatic.  

I hope I get a good result but I am very nervous.  I will definitely update this space as well as my instagram @mile_high_mama  when I find out.  Here's hoping...

It's time!

I just got the call from my nurse and I get to take my trigger shot tonight!  I am so excited.  I was really going to cry if I had to go one more day.  I mean I knew it would be for the best but I am so uncomfortable and so ready to get this show on the road.  

Lonnie sent this to me a few days ago.  It made me laugh.  :)

Although at this point I feel like my ovaries are bigger than your head.  

So tonight (Sunday) I take a new medication at exactly midnight.  Then I take it again tomorrow at noon.  I go in for lab only tomorrow and then I get to pick my husband up from the airport.  Can not wait to see him.  For real.  

I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tomorrow night and I go in for my egg retrieval Tuesday morning.  Oh I am so excited for Tuesday to get here.  Mainly because that is when the important stuff starts.  Ya know, the making of the embryos.  I really really really hope and pray that my eggs are of good quality and they are mature so we can get the best possible embryos.  The last IVF (that was completely fucked up from the jump) my eggs were not mature and I was told they were not good quality.  I just hope that was a fluke or a lie.  I'll take either at this point.  

So far things have gone better than I could have expected.  I have responded well to the medications and I have at least 9 follicles on my right ovary and at least 6 on my left ovary.  A total of 15 eggs sounds wonderful to me.  When we had our consult with Dr. S back in March he said he would be shooting for 10 eggs with me.  So hopefully my ovaries have overachieved.  Here is the number of eggs they have gotten in all five of my previous attempts.  

IVF #1 - 14 eggs
IVF #2 - 14 eggs
IVF #3 - 19 eggs (Blakely's cycle)
IVF #4 - 13 eggs
IVF #5 - 7 eggs.  

My estrogen is higher than it has ever been.  When I triggered on IVF #3 it was like 2500 (the highest to this point) and this time it is 5300.  Hoping that means mature eggs.  It also means I feel like shit.  But totally worth it.  

Just some things to keep in mind.  I won't necessarily get the same number of embryos as the number of eggs.  Not all of the eggs will be mature (they can be premature or post mature) and some may not fertilize properly.  Usually a little more than half of the good eggs will be fertilized properly with ICSI.  Then those little balls of cells need to grow grow grow.  I will update on Tuesday when I get back to the hotel in the afternoon.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  Well let me just put it out there that I do not feel strong.  At all.  I feel weak and tired and like a little anxious ball of nerves.  I have cried numerous times while being here.  Mainly in the last couple of days.  Sometimes for a legit reason (I hurt) and other times not so much (I feel certain that Blakely will want nothing to do with me when I get home).  I have major anxiety every single time I drive to the clinic and have to immediately go into the bathroom and get it together when I get there.  I am an anxious person.  I am doing my best to control that and I have done a pretty good job (thank you essential oils).  If all I have to do is spend a minute or two in the bathroom talking myself down then I am doing well.  But it is a vicious cycle.  I know that stress and anxiety is not good for me right now.  So when I do get anxious I start to worry.  Which leads to stress. Blah.  Anyway, the point is that I do not feel strong but I feel like I am coping.  I am making it.  I am extremely excited to see Lonnie tomorrow so he can take some of the stress and anxiety away.  He has a way with me.  

clinic bathroom selfie.  trying to stay distracted.  

I am so happy at this moment right now.  This is what we have been waiting for and building up to.  Please let everything go smoothly and let us get the best possible outcome.  I am so ready.  This is also the time when I start to get really nervous.  Don't ovulate too early!  Mature on up little eggiest!  But not too mature!  No weather delays for Lonnie's flight!  You get the point.  I am trying really hard to stay focused.  Grow these eggs, Kelly.  You got this. Now, let's make some babies.  

A super technical post + an update

I am still here in Denver plugging away at this IVF thing.  Things are going great except that I miss my girl, my husband and my bed.  Hotel beds are awesome for about 3 days.  The "me time" is great but now I feel pretty yuck and I don't really want and to get out and do anything.  I am trying hard not to mope.  

A little recap of the last few days.  

I had an ultrasound and lab on Tuesday.  All of that still looked good.  I had about 5 follicles on the left and about 9 on the right.  I was told to come back for a recheck on Thursday.  I also had a physical that day.  It seemed unnecessary but what do I know.  They did prick my finger to check a hemoglobin level and mine was a little high.  I was told to drink more water but it should be fine.  I can't not even tell you how much water I am drinking.  I am peeing every 5 minutes it seems.  

On Wednesday I had to go to a class all about the genetic testing (CCS) of our embryos.  I DID NOT want to go.  I was dreading it so much.  I just found out about the class the day before so I was not prepared.  The thought of going and listening to all of the risks and bad things that could happen to our embryos sounded like zero fun.  It took me 3 months to even decide to do the testing.  Sitting through a class that was going to make me doubt my decision was not on my list of things I wanted to do.  

As it turns out the class made me feel better about it.  Imagine that?  They went over the process, we had a little biology lesson and then she answered any questions.  A few things that stood out to me.

• 90% of their patients do CCS.  (A lot of people come here specifically for this testing)
• Less than 1% chance of damage/destruction of the embryo during the biopsy
• Less than 2% chance that an embryo will not survive the freezing/thawing process
• CCS is 95% accurate.  
• 1,200 healthy pregnancies via CCS
• They have had 9 misdiagnoses.  9 embryos that tested normal but they ended up not being normal.  7 of those ended in miscarriage and the other 2 were found at prenatal testing.  

Here is how the process works.  I know this is technical but, to me, it was interesting and it helped me to feel less stressed about the process.  

The day of my egg retrieval is considered day 0.  The eggs are injected with a sperm (ICSI) about 4 hours after the retrieval.  The next day (day 1) I will get a phone call from the embryologist telling me how many embryos were created.  They will then monitor the embryos for the next several days.  When the embryos get to the blastocyst stage (either day 5 or 6) they will then take the biopsy.  Little note here about the blastocyst.  They look for 2 things to determine if an embryo has reached the blastocyst stage.  1) they need to be 80-100 cells and 2) there needs to be differentiation of those cells.  This differentiation is when there becomes a ring of cells around the outside of the embryo which becomes the placenta and a mass of cells in the middle which becomes the baby.  Okay, so the biopsy takes 3-5 cells off of this outer ring.  Once the biopsy is done they freeze the embryos.  

They use a method called flash freezing.  Many years ago they used a method called a slow freeze and the embryo loss rate was 30%.  They have found that flash freezing is much better and the embryos tolerate it well.

Soooooo.  And this is important.  I will then receive a phone call (on day 5 or 6 after the embryos have been biopsied and frozen) telling me how may embryos we had that made it. I will hear from them on day 1 and not again until day 5 or 6.  OMG.  When I first heard this I was worried.  I have always been updated each day on how my embryos are doing.  The more I thought about it the more I came around to this idea.  First of all, hearing every day is a freaking emotional roller coaster.  Just read this post from my third IVF.  And then this one from the very next day.   I was a WRECK.  It seems on day 2 our embryos are never growing super fast and all I ever hear is bad things.  But then on day 3 they are always doing better.  So yeah, we will avoid that roller coaster of emotions.  I will be anxious for those 5 days no doubt.  But I did ask them and they said if all of the embryos arrest earlier than day 5 then they will call me immediately and let me know.  No news during those days is good news!

So that is the process.  I will learn the results of this testing 3 weeks after the test so 4 weeks after my retrieval.  Then I will be able to do a frozen transfer of the embryos that are available.  I can do a frozen transfer 8-12 weeks after my retrieval.

Moving on from that.  I had my recheck of labs and ultrasound yesterday.  Things are still looking good.  5-6 on the left and 8-9 on the right.  I talked to my nurse and she thought I may be on the stimulation meds a day or so longer than we thought.  This is normal but I only have enough meds until Saturday.  They wanted me to bring in my used vials of meds since there can be a little left in the bottom.  They drew up all that was left and were able to get another dose!  That saves be from dropping another grand at the pharmacy.  I still have to get my other medication from the pharmacy so that is what I am going to do as soon as I hit publish.  Drive into downtown Denver and try to find the pharmacy!  Awesome.  

I go back on Saturday morning for another recheck.  We are tentatively looking at an egg retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Lonnie is just waiting for confirmation before booking his flight.  

Sometimes (like right now after writing this) I feel like this is all so crazy.  There is just so much and it is overwhelming at times.  But, in the end, I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my family.  I would ramble on here about why it is right for us and how bad I want to make Blakely a big sister (and how much I miss that girl!) but then I would just cry and not be able to stop.  These hormones are no freaking joke.  

Again, I really appreciate each and every one of you for reading and supporting me.  I seriously don't know what I would do without this space and the friends I have made here.  All of the prayers, well wishes and good vibes being sent my way are working!  Love y'all!  

Also, feel free to ask any questions.  I am an open book!  Aaaaaaand just a reminder that I am documenting this on insta.gram @mile_high_mama if you want to follow me there.  

IVF #6 update

The last I mentioned about our upcoming IVF was when we got home from Denver for the full day of testing.  

The week after that we got all of the results back and everything looked great.  Our next step was to get labs drawn on day 3 of my cycle.  They had to send me a kit and I had to get the blood drawn at my old clinic and they shipped it to Denver.  This was mildly stressful, could have been a lot worse.  Mainly, I was worried about the clinic doing the kit correctly but that wasn't a problem.  I was also a little nervous because I had to tell my old clinic that we were going with the Denver clinic.  I didn't mind telling them I just wanted to get it over with and not dwell on it.  Blech.  

My nurse from CCRM, we will call her J, called with the results of those labs.  I was a little bit nervous about the results and I will tell you why.  They check estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, and LH (luteinizing hormone).  My FSH has always been borderline high.  Dr. B has told me it was just a little high for my age before our last 3 IVF's.  (I believe the numbers were around 12 and 13 each time...and they want it less than 10).  Older women have higher FSH levels which mean your ovaries just aren't producing like they did when you were younger.  I just turned 32, so not old.  I was worried since my eggs haven't been so great the last 2 IVF's that maybe my FSH would be sky high.  All of that explanation to say that J told me my FSH was fine...it was 9.  I was so happy to hear this.  

J explained to me the protocol Dr. S had decided upon.  It is different than what we have done before.  Previously I have been on birth control pills for about a month before starting any medication.  This protocol has no birth control pills and I begin medication based on when I ovulate instead of when I start my period.  She told me we could get started when I ovulated.  At this point I was on about day 8 so that meant we could get started really soon!  I wasn't ready and it was going to run into our beach trip.  We are absolutely going to the beach so I told her we needed to put it off another month.

Once we got the protocol and the calendar from CCRM Lonnie and I got to work looking at his schedule and trying to make sure this was going to work out.  We don't know things down to the day because anything can change but we were a little worried about the timing for when Lonnie was going to need to come out to Denver.  He had a call weekend around that time and that would be nearly impossible to switch.  We were looking at this a few weeks ago when he was off for a few days.  We realized that we may need a back up sample from him in the event that he can't make it out for my egg retrieval. (Please do not let that happen!)  But the only days he was off until the time for the egg retrieval were right then.  So we decided to fly him out to Denver to give his sample and then he flew back home the next day.  Yeah.  A little crazy.  Or maybe a lot crazy.  But there was just no way we could go through with all of this and then get almost to the end and him not be able to come.  That would have been a huge waste of everything.  So this seemed worth it to us.  (Please lord let travel expenses for IVF be tax deductible, anyone know anything about that?)  

Anyway, so I guess that is where we are now.  I will start testing for ovulation in another few days and then I will start medication 10 days after I ovulate.  I will be on that medication for a few weeks or so and then I will start the stimulation medication.  That is when things get real.

I will have one appointment at my old clinic for lab and ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are suppressed and then I will head out to Denver for all other monitoring.  

So that is all of the technical stuff.  Now how about the emotional stuff?  

I am really excited about this.  I am nervous, of course, but I am ready to do this.  I trust this clinic fully and that really helps.  I have to be able to let go of control and let them do what they are trained to do.  They know this stuff and I have to let them guide me and I trust they will guide me in the right direction.  

I want this to work so very badly.  I want to be pregnant again.  I want to feel a baby kick inside me.  I want to give birth to another baby.  I want to nurse again.  I want to make Blakely a big sister.  I want to see Lonnie holding our newborn again.  I want the sleepless nights.  I want the sore vagina.  I want the stinky spit up filled burp cloths.  I want it all.  Sometimes I feel like I need it.  I know that sounds weird but I almost feel like my life is on hold while we just wait and see what our family is going to look like.  We know what we want.  We have talked a few times about "what if we were fertile"?  We both agree that if we were able to choose when we got pregnant and how many kids we were going to have that we would for sure already have another one and we both would like to have a third.  I know we only have one so it is hard to say what we would want once we had a second but the point is we don't get to decide.  We don't have that privilege.  I can't even imagine being able to say, "Ok, our family is complete".  Am I ever going to feel like that?  I don't know but I know I don't feel that way now.  But I know we are lucky.  I know that.  I am focusing on that and staying positive through this whole process.  Actually I am just imagining that it is going to work.  Surely if I think it enough it will happen, right? 

I am going to tell you a story. Part 5.

*A reminder.  All of this was written on Sunday July 7.  I have added some things at the bottom of this post to address some questions that have come up over the past week.*

I know this story has been long.  I really appreciate anyone who reads it.  It has been very cathartic for me to write everything down.  It is helping me to move on.  I am going to end this story with my thoughts on the whole thing.  

As I said in the last post, I am still in shock that this happened to us.  I have a lot of emotions swirling around in me.

I am pissed.  They screwed up my "last" chance to get pregnant.  How can I not be angry?  I seem to be getting a bit angrier by the day.  

I am sad.  Obviously.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  I went through all of that  just to have it end because of someone else's mistake.  Forget all of the physical pain because I can get over that, but the emotional pain is what hurts the most.  

I sort of blame myself.  What if I had said something about ICSI to someone at any point in time.  Would that have changed the outcome?  I signed consents for ICSI.  I thought that was enough.  I didn't think I needed to "remind" them.  

I feel sorry for Dr. B.  I know some may be surprised by this but I really do.  I know he didn't want to make that call to me.  I know he would never want this to happen.  I know he didn't sleep that night knowing that he was going to rock my world the next day.  And I guarantee he hasn't stopped thinking about it since.  He is the doctor.  He takes all the blame when anyone messes up.  Believe me.  My husband has to apologize for others mistakes all the time.  I know he will never forget this mistake that his clinic made.  I cannot be angry at him.  

The clinic is in a state of upheaval.  I knew it when I learned that Dr. M quit.  I should have known when I got that first call from the nurse and she didn't know what cycle day I was on.  If there is anything positive that can come of what happened to us, it is this.  They will change the way they do things.  They will not become complacent again.  They will double check every detail from now on.  I know it.  I know these people.  I have been going there since 2009.  I know they want the best for their patients.  I know this mistake is not going to fade out of their minds soon.  They will all be very aware that they can screw up, and in the business they are in, it messes with people's lives, minds and bodies.  As horrific as this mistake was, I know that it could have been worse.  Not much worse but still worse.  And I know they know that too.  I know this is a great clinic and I would not have my miracle Blakely without each and every one of them.  I am not writing any of this to bash them.  I am thankful for them.  I am writing all of this to help myself heal and to share my story with y'all.  

I have allowed myself a few days to wallow in self pity.  I have eaten crappy food, drank caffeine for the first time in months (whoa!) and enjoyed a few adult beverages.  I am going to pull myself out of this funk soon. 

After reflecting for a few days and accepting that I have to move on from these emotions, I am still left with this.  I am confused.  How can we let our last try for a baby be this one?  How can we go out like that?  How do you accept that you will never be pregnant again when on your last try someone else messed up your chance?  I can't do it.  I cannot accept this IVF as our last try for a baby.  I just can't do it.

Now.  There is no way I am in a place to try again right now.  I don't know that I will ever be ready to do IVF again.  I am worn out.  Over the next few months Lonnie and I will be doing a lot of thinking and talking.  I can't accept that as our last try but I don't think I can do IVF again.  See? I am confused.  The clinic has offered us a full refund of our money.  We can also just do a free cycle instead of getting a refund if we want.  We are going to take the refund and I am going to buy myself something nice.  Something really freaking nice.  

Again, thank you all for listening.  I have shed many tears writing this but it has really helped me to get out of my funk.  Blogging is the best.  Blog friends are even better.  

This little blue eyed beauty makes everything better as well.  :)

-This is a really great clinic that made a bad mistake.  I can forgive but I will not be able to ever forget.  If we wanted another opinion at a different clinic we would have to travel a minimum of 3 hours away.  An option but not a great one.  
-Dr. B made a judgement call in allowing the eggs and sperm to at least try to fertilize instead of freezing the eggs.  I also had not signed a consent for egg freezing so there is that.  He did tell me that the covering around my eggs was not as thick as it had been in the past but he also said that he "was pretty sure" they wouldn't fertilize.  
-The embryologist that WAS there was not trained in ICSI.  He is in the process of learning but it is a very long and detailed thing to be able to do it.  Dr. B even told me he thought about letting the guy try and see what happened.  In the end he felt that was unethical and did not allow it.  I agree.
-I'd be happy to answer any more questions if there are any.  I try to respond via email when someone comments but not everyone has an email attached to their blogger profile.  (Get one!)  So comment with a question or just email me.  


Y'all.  What in the world would I do without you?  I really just want to say again how thankful I am to have made such great friends through this blog.  You guys have been amazing through this story and I appreciate you reading.  Thank you all so much for the sweet words of encouragement on each post and for genuinely caring about me and my family.  I know I haven't "met" many of you but I feel very attached to you and your families as well.  Thank you for being there for me.  It means more than I can express in words.  

I am going to tell you a story. Part 4

This is part 4 in my story of our fifth IVF. 

Lonnie and I got to the clinic on Thursday the 4th of July at 830.  I brought them donuts because I know no one wants to be at work on a holiday!

I knew going into the retrieval that we would not be getting as many eggs as we had in the past.  I wasn't concerning myself with the number.  I just wanted some mature eggs that could be fertilized so I could have a chance at getting pregnant.  

In order to continue this story I need to back up a little bit and tell you (for those that do not know) a little bit about the reason for our infertility and explain a little bit of the IVF process.  I will keep this pretty simple but I feel that it is needed in order to understand what happens next.  I have the "Our journey" tab at the top that goes into all the details of our struggle with infertility and you can check that out if you are interested.  It is lengthy.  

We had unexplained infertility until our first IVF.  In "normal" IVF, after the egg is retrieved from the ovary it is put into a dish.  Then a bunch of sperm are put into each dish with each egg and they watch the magic happen.  The day after your retrieval they call you to let you know how many eggs were fertilized.  They call you each day to let you know how your embryos are growing until they decide they are ready to be transferred...usually 3 days or 5 days after the egg retrieval.  

On our first IVF, I got a call the day after our egg retrieval, from Dr. M, telling me that we didn't have any eggs fertilize.  That was not the phone call I was expecting.  We had retrieved 12 eggs so I had my hopes up very high.  To say I was upset would be an understatement.  I won't go into that but we did find out why we had been unable to get pregnant.  The outer covering of my eggs (the zona pellucida) is very thick and the sperm are not able to penetrate.  I was told this was pretty rare but there was something they could do.  We could do IVF with ICSI.  ICSI is when they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it.  So from then on we knew we had to do IVF with ICSI and we did for the following IVF's.  

Ok.  Back to this story.  Dr. B was able to retrieve 7 eggs.  That was a pretty low number but I was still hopeful.  We came home that day and I slept the rest of the day.  I could not relax until I knew the results of fertilization.  I listened to my Cir.cle + Bl.oom many times trying to relax and think positively about my little fighter embryos growing growing growing.  

The next day I tried to stay busy even though I was still in pain.  Lonnie, B and I went to the grocery store.  Right when we got back in the car my phone rang.  

It was Dr. B.  Not the nurse like usual.  

My stomach dropped.  I just knew.  Only doctors give bad news.  

He told me that we did not have any fertilization.  I looked at Lonnie and shook my head.  

Then he rocked my world.  He told me that they did not do the ICSI.  I am just going to say that again.  THEY DID NOT INJECT THE SPERM INTO THE EGGS.  In other words...they completely and totally fucked up.  

From this point on it is a bit of a blur.  I know that I burst into tears complete with sobs and shakes.  I threw the phone to Lonnie because I could not even speak.  Dr. B told him the same thing and began to explain but Lonnie told him we would have to call him back.  I was a mess and B was starting to cry in the back seat.  

The did not do ICSI.  The most important detail.  The reason we were having this done in the first place.  No embryos.

I did not have a chance to get pregnant.  No embryos.  They did not do ICSI.  It is all over.  Just like that.  

We came home and I went straight to bed.  It was the middle of the day.  I haven't cried that hard in a long time.  The only time I can even remember coming close is when I got the "no fertilization" call with our first IVF.  But that time I knew we had other options next time.  

I got up a few hours later and told Lonnie we had to call Dr. B back because I needed to know more.  How did this happen?  How in the fuck did this happen?  Did they just forget?  I mean, so many questions.  

I talked to Dr. B for almost an hour.  I got some answers.  None of them helped me to feel better.  How can they?  I am still left with no embryos.  He understood that.  He made no excuses.  He explained how it happened but he took full responsibility.  He was emotional right along with me.  There were a lot screw ups from the beginning but the basic fuck up was this.  The embryologist who does the ICSI was not working that week.  I should have never been scheduled to have my IVF during that time.  They did not realize this until right after the retrieval.  There was nothing they could do.  It should have been caught many times throughout this process.  Keep in mind I started birth control pills to begin this IVF at the end of May.  THE END OF MAY.  I fell through the cracks...  Just unbelievable.  

I am still in shock from what happened.  Even a week later I can not even believe that the clinic messed up and did not do the ICSI.  I am hurting.  I could have handled the embryos just not sticking and getting a negative pregnancy test in 2 weeks.  But this?  This is really hard to take.  They failed me and I had a lot on the line.  I am just sick.  

Part one
Part two
Part three

I am going to tell you a story. Part 3

This is part three of my story about our fifth IVF.  

I left off yesterday with me increasing my medication and being told to go back to the clinic in 3 days.  

I headed back to the clinic on Friday for lab and ultrasound.  This was my first ultrasound to see the follicles.  The results were not that awesome but they weren't terrible either.  My left ovary (which is usually a rockstar) only had 2 follicles and the right ovary (usually lags behind) had 7-8.  I could deal with that.  Like I said in part one of this story....I just wanted a chance to get pregnant.

I saw Dr. M that day.  He is actually my main doctor but I have seen all of them many times.  If you remember during our last IVF we retrieved 13 eggs.  Out of those 13 we only had 3 that were mature.  I wanted to make sure each of the doctors looked back at that cycle during this cycle to compare and to hopefully get more mature eggs this time.  Only the mature eggs can be fertilized.  

On that Friday I spoke with Dr. M about this.  He told me that he was the one on call that weekend and he would look back at all of my cycles.  He suggested possibly doing the stimulation medications an extra day to try to get more mature eggs.  I felt good that I had talked to him about it and that he was going to be the one I would see all weekend.  I would have been happy with any of the doctors but I liked the idea of having the same one all weekend.  

In all of my other cycles I have taken the trigger shot on Sunday night and had the egg retrieval on Tuesday so that is why I had asked about the doctor on call for the weekend.  I felt like he would be the one making the decision as to when to trigger and whether or not to stim for an extra day.  

Anyway.  Friday afternoon they called me with my results and told me to continue the same meds and come back on Sunday morning.  

I did just that.  When I got there on Sunday Dr. MS walked in the room.  I thought that was odd since Dr. M specifically told me he would be the one there.  I went through the whole spiel with him about not having many mature eggs last time and really wanting to try to get more mature eggs this cycle just like I did with Dr. M on Friday.  After the ultrasound he said that he thought I would probably stim one more day if not 2 more but he would have to check my lab to make sure.  Later that day he called and said to continue the same meds that night and come back to the clinic in the morning...Monday morning.  

I was very happy with that.  That meant I was going one day longer than I ever had and I felt very hopeful that would help with my egg maturity.

I went back to the clinic on Monday morning.  This time it is Dr. B.  I love him and I saw him the entire cycle when I got pregnant with B.  He takes plenty of time to talk to each patient so I knew he would hear me out.  I went through my whole spiel about egg maturity with him.  This was my third time.  I was being proactive because I felt like I needed to make sure they understood how important this cycle was.  After my ultrasound he told me to come back into his office.  

When I sit down the first thing he says to me is this.  

"Dr. M is no longer practicing here so you will be seeing Dr. MS and myself the rest of the time."

Seriously?  Dr. M quit on Friday afternoon.  Quit.  Resigned.  Retired.  Whatever.  He quit on a Friday afternoon (soon after I had my talk with him!) heading into his call weekend.  

I worked in the medical field for years.  My husband is a physician.  That is one of the worst things you can do.  If one of my husbands partners did that, I mean, I can't even really imagine it.  I am sure there is much more to the story that I don't know (I've heard maybe he had some medical issues) so I will just leave it at that.  Dr. M left the practice and left Dr. B and Dr. MS to take care of all the patients.   

Another sign?  Maybe...  But I was only looking for hopeful signs.  


Back to the story.  Dr. B listened to me about this cycle.  He knows me well.  I have seen him the most out of any of the 3 doctors in the practice.  I trust him.  I know he is very thorough.  I was not concerned that my main doctor had quit.  I knew Dr. B would take care of me.  

He called me Monday afternoon and said he wanted me to stim for one more day.  (This meant going back to the clinic the next day for monitoring.)  He thought I may have one egg that would be "post mature" but I had quite a few others that he thought could mature after one more day.  I was very happy with this.  I felt like we were doing something different and hopefully would get a different outcome.  

I headed back to the clinic on Tuesday.  Keep in mind I had been on the hormones 2 days longer than I ever had.  I was uncomfortable.  I was bitchy.  It is 2 hours round trip to this clinic and I had been there Friday, Sunday, Monday, and now Tuesday.  I was ready for a retrieval.  More than ready.  

Tuesday afternoon the nurse calls to tell me that I am ready to trigger.  I will get detailed here.  The trigger shot is Ovid.ril.  You take this at a very specific time and you have the egg retrieval exactly 36 hours after.  This medication stimulates ovulation and helps to mature the eggs.  I was told to take the shot at 10pm and be at the clinic on the 4th of July at 830.

A 4th of July retrieval!  That sounded good to me.  Surely a holiday is a good day to make some babies...

Part one
Part two

Part four

I am going to tell you a story. Part 2

This is part 2 of my story about our fifth IVF.  

I left off yesterday with me having started the ovarian stimulation medications.  Once again, I am going to be very detailed about this process because I know I have some readers who are not familiar with IVF.  

After being on the stimulation hormones for 3 days I went in for lab work.  During this process your estrogen levels are monitored through lab work and your eggs/follicles are monitored via ultrasound multiple times.  They do this to see if they need to increase or decrease your medication and to see when your eggs are ready to be retrieved.  

This first monitoring appointment was just lab work so I was able to take Blakely with me.  She was an absolute angel doll sitting with me while I had blood drawn.  She was so sweet to the nurses and secretaries and really kept them laughing the whole time.  That girl loves to entertain.  I may be in trouble with her "I love being the center of attention" act.  

That day was Lonnie and I's 8 year anniversary of our first date.  I would be lying if I didn't hope that was a sign of good things to come.  There were other "signs" as well.  I started my first injection of lup.ron on the day Blakely turned 20 months old.  Once we got this process started I realized that if I did get pregnant I would be due in March.  And close to my birthday. I have always ALWAYS wanted to have a baby in March.  I just thought it was a great time of year to have a birthday.  When Lonnie and I first decided to try for a baby we started trying i June with the hopes of having a baby in March (naive and stupid).  It just seemed like things may be lining up perfectly for us this cycle.  I tried to ignore these signs but, like I said, LYING if I didn't have hope about it.  

After my lab work was done I came home and waited for the phone call to tell me what to do next.  The nurse finally called at 5:00.  Just another stressor in this process.  I have to sit around and wait by my phone all day in order to know what meds to take that night and when to come back to the clinic.  I don't get great cell service at my house so I literally put my phone in one spot where I know it will reliably ring.  And then I wait.  Anyway, the nurse finally calls.  

She tells me that my estrogen is 75.  Then she says that I might have a cyst because they want my estrogen to be below 25.  She wants me to come back for repeat lab before we start the stimulations meds and if it is still up then we will have to postpone the cycle.  To someone who hasn't done this before that might sound reasonable and they would have just done what she said.  But I am a veteran and I knew that wasn't right.  I HAD ALREADY STARTED THE STIMULATION MEDS.  

When you have the lab work to make sure your ovaries are suppressed your estrogen needs to be lower than 25.  Once you begin the stimulation meds (which I had done 3 days prior!) they want your estrogen to go up.  That is what helps to produce the eggs!  I told her that I was confused and that I HAD ALREADY STARTED THE MEDS.  She sounded confused and put me on hold.  She came back and said that I was right and told me what the doctor wanted me to do.  Keep my Follistim the same (375), double the Menopur (up to 150) and come back in three days (on Friday the 28th).  

When I got off the phone I was in a bit of shock.  I am glad I was on top of it and said something.  But that just added to my stress unnecessarily.  Talking about signs, maybe I should have read that as a sign of things to come.  

I will continue tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.  

Part one

Part three
Part four

I am going to tell you a story. Part 1.

I have a lot to get out right now.  And I have to start from the beginning.  Mainly because that is the only way for you to understand but also because I need to heal.  The only way I can do that is to write it out.  I am hoping this helps.  This story does not end well so don't get your hopes up or anything.  

We did IVF.  Number 5 for those of you keeping count.  

I began taking birth control pills at the end of May and started the Lupron injections in mid June.  For those unfamiliar I'm going to be very detailed here.  Those two medications are used to suppress the ovaries.  Once they are good and suppressed then you can start the ovarian stimulation medication (used to help your ovaries produce a bunch of eggs).  

I went in on June 19 and was told that everything looked good and that I could start the stimulation medications the following Saturday, June 22.  This cycle I was going to take Follistim and Menopur...the same medications I have taken before.  

I did everything right this cycle.  We took a break and made sure we were in a good spot to start this process over again.  I had gotten back into my gym routine and I had been keeping myself healthy.  I had lost 12 pounds by eating clean and exercising 3 days a week.  That made me 5 pounds less than what I was when I got pregnant with Blakely and back down close to my wedding weight.  I was feeling really great about myself.  I had stopped drinking alcohol even casually and stopped drinking caffeine (hard).  I also purchased Circl.e + Bl.oom meditations to listen to during the whole cycle.  I hoped it would keep me calm and positive during the stresses of IVF.  I had heard great things from people about it and felt like it was worth the money.  I wanted to do everything that I could since I had so little control over everything else in this process.  

I was ready.  

I felt like my body was ready.  

If you remember this post then you know that we figured this to be our last cycle.  I couldn't think about that going in to it just because that is a lot of pressure.  I wanted to stay calm and try to be positive about the whole thing.  One of the reasons we decided to go ahead with this IVF is because we felt content with out lives.  We are so lucky to have our miracle Blakely and we knew that if she was the only child we were blessed with then that was enough.  Of course, we want more children but you don't always get what you want.  We could be happy with our family of three.  

A lot of you asked me when our last cycle failed why would the next one be our last.  There are a few reasons for this.  The main one being that it takes a huge physical and emotional toll on me and our family.  It is hard to inject so many hormones into your body.  It makes me feel out of control of my body.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and I am not easy to be around during the process.  Is it going to work?  Is it not going to work?  Happy when things are going well.  Completely down when things aren't going exactly right.  Then there is the physical toll.  The actual process is painful.  Swollen ovaries, multiple injections each night and then the egg retrieval.  Having a needle punched through your vagina multiple times is not comfortable.  Also, what are the side effects of doing this to my body 5 times?  No one really knows but it is always in the back of my mind.  

The other big reason for this one to be our last is the financial toll.  IVF is not cheap.  I know some of my readers know this first hand.  We were luckier than lucky to have great insurance coverage for our first 3 IVF's.  But going into our FET (frozen embryo transfer) last December we had reached our lifetime max of infertility coverage.  So every single dime since then has come out of our pocket.  I can't tell you the exact amount (because I don't want to go back and add it up) but each IVF costs about $13,000-$15,000.  Yeah.  Not cheap.  There comes a time when you have to think about using that money in a different way.  We have saved up enough to do these fertility treatments without it putting too much of a strain on our finances but, like I said, there comes a time when you really need to take a good hard look and decide what is best for the family in the long run.  

So.  On June 22 I started taking Follistim (375 units) and Menopur (75 units).  I know, having gone through this before, that I probably would not have an excellent response.  The more you do this the slower your ovaries respond, in general.  I didn't care about getting 25 eggs or a huge number of embryos.  I just wanted a chance to get pregnant.  Just a chance.    

I'll stop here for today.  I decided to divide this story into 5 parts so I don't write the longest post in history and so I don't bombard you with information!  I will post one each day this week.   All five posts are already written and were written on Sunday July 7. 

Part two
Part three
Part four

Reflecting and Moving Forward

I am still pretty sad about this failed IVF cycle.  I am trying to move forward but I think I do need to grieve a little bit.  I thought if I wrote down all of my feelings that would help.  

The main thing that hurts my heart is that I don't know if we are going to be able to expand our family like we so desperately want to do.  I guess I feel like if we try again that will be our last time and that scares the crap out of me.  I really wanted this one to work so we wouldn't have to face that last try.  There is just so much pressure knowing that could be our last attempt.  There is already so much pressure during IVF to begin with, I am not sure I could handle it.  I mean you saw how emotional I was through this whole process.  Could you imagine adding to that?

I am also sad that this didn't work for reasons surrounding Blakely.  I weaned her at 12 1/2 months.  One of the main reasons I weaned her was so we could try for a second child.  Well here we are 6 months later (2 frozen embryos transferred in December and 2 fresh embryos this time) and not pregnant.  Now I am not saying that I would still be nursing her.  I don't know.  But I did feel pressure to hurry up and get her weaned so we could move forward.  The pressure came from myself, of course.  I guess I feel like it could have been a slower process.  

Also, the thought of never nursing another baby pretty much breaks my heart.  Into a million pieces.  I knew when I was pregnant with Blakely and throughout her entire life that I may not ever get to do this again.  I did, and continue to, soak up every second and enjoy every little thing.  I want to do it again.  I want to do it again so very badly.  

The IVF process is hard on my marriage.  It doesn't put my marriage in jeopardy or anything like that, but it is just a really hard thing for Lonnie and I to have to go through.  Not only the logistics of it (easier for me than him) but the emotional crazy person that I become when pumped full of hormones is hard on me AND him.  I just want us to move on from this phase in our lives.  We have had this huge burden with us for so long.  I want us to not have to worry about infertility anymore.  I am sure we will replace that worry with something else and that is just fine.  I am tired of this specific worry.  

When we were trying to get pregnant for the first time I went through some really tough times.  I was depressed.  I withdrew from my friends.  I did not want to go out and socialize ever.  Mostly because when you are meeting people the first thing they ask you is "Do you have any kids?"  Then everyone who has kids has a ton to talk about and I ended up feeling left out.  I avoided those situations at all costs.  My main concern when we decided to try for baby #2 was getting back into that funk.  I was very scared of that.  I have to say that when our FET failed in December I was ok.  I was sad for a minute but I was ok.  I knew we could do another IVF...we had another option.  Now that this option has failed I am feeling myself being pulled back into that dark place.  I can recognize that in myself and do something about it.  

So, moving forward, I am going to focus on what I do have.  I realize even more than I did before what a miracle Blakely is.  We are so lucky to have her in our lives and she is beyond amazing.  She is loving, smart, funny, and beautiful!  How incredible that she is our daughter.  I know there are some that struggle with infertility and never get their miracle.  We got ours and I am so grateful for that.  I am also grateful that I found such a wonderful man to marry me.  He works so hard to provide a great life for our little family.  I could not ask for anything more.  I am moved to tears almost every night when I (secretly) listen/watch over the monitor while he is putting her to bed.  He sings, she giggles, he reads, she cuddles, he talks, she talks.  They have such a wonderful relationship already.   

I want to thank you for your kind words over the past few days.  You guys are amazing and I don't know what I would do without your support.  I promise...no more sad posts from me!  I am moving on and getting happy!  

I forgot how hard this was.

IVF is hard.  I mean for real.  I forgot just how hard it was and this time I have a toddler.  Hard.    The hardest thing is how I feel.  I can figure out someone to take care of Blakely at the very last minute when I have appointments.  I can inject myself 4 times per night.  But these damn emotions.  They get me.  

This post will probably be all over the place because that is just how I feel right now.

I was really feeling good about this whole thing.  I mean we have Blakely....that is what matters.  I thought I could focus on that.  I can't really explain how all of these hormones make me feel.  It is like every single thing in my head is the biggest deal.  Every thing is so important even though, rationally, I know it isn't.  For example, I dropped a can of salsa this morning.  Normally I would just clean it up...no big deal.  Well I burst into tears because why do I have to drop the fucking salsa?  Another example.  I forgot to turn the dryer on last night. So now I have to re-wash all of those clothes.  I do this a lot...no big deal.  I got so frustrated this morning.  I was throwing the clothes back in the washer and near tears of frustration.  See?  I know these are stupid things to get worked up over but I get worked up anyway.  I don't have any control over it.  

Then there are the big things that actually do matter.  

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound since starting the stimulation meds.  I had been taking them every night for 5 nights.  Well I watched the ultrasound and I thought it looked okay.  Not the best ever but okay.  I had about 11 follicles that he measured and a few more smaller ones.  After he was finished he took me into his office to talk about how it looked and where we go from here.  The usual.  He started comparing it to my last IVF (#3...the one that worked..obvs).  I am not responding to the meds as well as I did last time.  He said we need more follicles and my estrogen needs to go up higher.  Ok.  Fine.  Let's add more meds.  Then he said he would call me after they got my labs back and he would either up my dose or CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.

I froze.  He had to be kidding.  But he wasn't.  I couldn't even ask him any questions for fear of crying all over his desk.  I just got the heck out of there.  I got to my car and proceeded to cry the entire way home.  An hour drive.  I called Lonnie and I'm not sure I even made any sense on the phone.  He kept telling me it was going to be ok.  He kept saying if this IVF got cancelled then we would just try again.  I know he was trying to make me feel better but I don't want to try again.  I want this one to work.  I am tired of this shit.  I just want to have our babies and move on from this IVF chapter of our lives.  We have been bogged down by infertility for so damn long.  It is exhausting.  I just wish sex made a baby for us.  Is that so much to ask?  

They called me late in the afternoon and said that my estrogen had gone up but it was still a little low.  He decided to up my medication for 2 days and see me back on Saturday.  I am really hoping for a good report tomorrow.  Bigger follicles, more follicles, and higher estrogen.  Please.  

So yeah.  It is a roller coaster.  I knew it was but I forgot just how severe these emotions can be.  By last night I was happy and feeling good about the whole thing again.

The doctor that I saw yesterday has made me cry before.  He is great and probably my favorite but he always prepares you for the worst case scenario.  I hate that.  On our first IVF after our first ultrasound he told me that I would probably only get 5 eggs and maybe no embryos.  I cried the whole way home...it was tragic (in my head anyway).  Well it turns out that by the next ultrasound 2 days later my body had kicked into gear and I had plenty of follicles.  I ended up with 14 eggs at retrieval.  I am hoping he is just telling me worst case scenario this time and it will all work out fine in the end.  At least that is what I am clinging to at this moment.  

 I just wanted this time to be a little easier.  It took 3 years to finally get pregnant with Blakely.  Three really hard years.  Countless timed cycles, too many ovulation tests to count, a million medical tests for both of us, more injections than either of us can remember, 4 IUI's, 3 IVF's, a shit ton of money, and a whole lot of depression.  But it was all worth it.  I would do it all again because she is the best thing that ever happened to us.  I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of having this ridiculous pity party.

Why is everything so hard?

Everything to do with infertility is so hard.  Why can’t something just be easy....just for flippin’ once?!?!?  The clinic called me this morning to let me know how our embryos were.  Here are the results

2-2 cell good quality

1-3 cell good quality

1-4 cell good quality

1-4 cell excellent quality

and the other one had not divided

48 hours after retrieval the embryos should be 4 cells...but they can sometimes lag a little behind.  So, this is not the best report.   

The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to do a Day 3 transfer (which I expected) and he recommend transferring 2 or 3 embryos...whatever we wanted.  Well, this was not what I expected.  I mean I just figured they would tell me that we would transfer two.  I never thought about having to make a decision.  I don’t want to decide!  How am I supposed do decide such a thing?  I mean there are so many questions.  I told her that I would have to call her back after I talked to my husband.  So, we talked.  He was at work and very busy so it was hard to talk about it.  Our main concern, OF COURSE, was getting pregnant with triplets.  I just felt like I didn’t have all the information I needed to make a decision.  I mean if we have all 4 cell excellent embryos then I don’t think he would even be recommending 3 at all. 

So, I called the clinic and asked if the doctor could call me back because I was having a hard time deciding and I had some questions.  These were my questions...

Why would we transfer 3?

Was it because we transferred 2 excellent last time and it didn’t work?

What is my chance of triplets?

Do my chances of a single pregnancy go up by adding a third?

Why are they not dividing like they are supposed to?

Is it because of the thickened covering around my egg?

I cried like all freaking afternoon.  I know that I am emotional but I just couldn’t help it.  Like sobbing....UGH!!  I would make a decision and then not feel good about it.  Then I would change my mind and feel good about it for a while and then start crying again.  So frustrating....is there a right decision?  I don’t think so.

So he called me back later in the afternoon.  He basically said that the embryos were not dividing like they should and probably only three of them would be viable, two of them being the correct number of cells.  That is one reason why he was willing to transfer three.  Also, since last time we transferred 2 excellent and it didn’t work, he was willing to transfer three.  He said our chance of getting pregnant with triplets with the embryos that we had, and if they continue to divide like they are, was 5-8%.  He said that our chance of a single pregnancy goes up by a lot more than that.  He said he would do whatever we wanted to do he just wanted to give me the facts.  He said a whole lot of other stuff and gave me some examples, etc.  

So, after a lot of consideration/crying/thinking/stressing, we decided that we are going to transfer 3.  I feel good about it after talking to him.  We also decided that if for some reason tomorrow they are all 10-cell excellent then we will only transfer two.  

This was a really hard decision for us to come to.  I was upset all day about it.  I really hope that the people who read this don’t judge me.  I just never thought I would have to make this decision.  I just figured they would tell me what to do (I realize this may have been naive).  Or I never thought it would be this hard.  I know the worst thing in the world is not triplets.  It just scares me.  Scares me like crazy.  The goal of these fertility treatments is not to have multiples like some fertile people may think!

The thing that gets me through tough times like these is knowing that I have my husband right here beside me.  I know that we can make it through whatever life throws at us.  This comforts me...

So there you have it.  Tomorrow we are transferring 3 beautiful embryos.  I am excited and nervous at the same time!  EEK!!!

Again, I really hope people don’t judge me....

This is my blog and when I started it I told myself that I was going to be honest.  So I am.  I want to document my life and all these emotions go with that.  No one can understand this unless they have been through it themselves.  I know many of you can relate to this.  But I also know that there might be others who read this that might not understand.  So there is my disclaimer :)

I promise I’ll have a happier post soon!!!