Medicine cabinet

The other day Lonnie got tired of the craziness in our medicine cabinet and decided to clean it out.  He said I didn't even need to help him.  Wait.  What?  

Obviously I told him to go for it.  I didn't take a before picture but you can just imagine three shelves overflowing with medications and vitamins.  A lot of it was leftover stuff from IVF and then just random bottles of Ty.lenol, etc.  

Anyway, we went through every single item and ended up with quite bit to take to the hospital medical waste.  I had some leftover medicine that I donated to my clinic since they were unopened.  

The point of this post is not about the cleaning out of the cabinet.  The point is that I wanted to show you this picture.  

That is 10 full sharps containers.  TEN.  FULL.  The one on the far right is about halfway full but the other are brimming.  All of these are from trying for baby #2.  When I was working at the hospital while trying to get pregnant with B I would take them occasional and empty them in to the sharps containers there.  But now that I don't work there they have just piled up over the last 2 1/2 years.  These are the needles from one frozen embryo transfer and 3 IVF's.  Geez.  Just call me a pincushion!  

It felt good to get rid of all of that...the medication included.  Part of me wanted to wallow in the fact that I even had to poke myself that many times.  Wah wah wah.  But ya know what?  It was worth it and I knew that it would be.  That is why I kept going.  I am so thankful to be where we are right now.  I am so thankful that we were ABLE to keep going.  Sometimes it still feels surreal.  Like I am going to wake up and all of this was just a dream.  Then I get a swift kick to the bladder as a reminder that THIS IS HAPPENING.  This girl is so happy and so in love with these two tiny miracles.  

Baby girl

Baby boy

Reflecting and Moving Forward

I am still pretty sad about this failed IVF cycle.  I am trying to move forward but I think I do need to grieve a little bit.  I thought if I wrote down all of my feelings that would help.  

The main thing that hurts my heart is that I don't know if we are going to be able to expand our family like we so desperately want to do.  I guess I feel like if we try again that will be our last time and that scares the crap out of me.  I really wanted this one to work so we wouldn't have to face that last try.  There is just so much pressure knowing that could be our last attempt.  There is already so much pressure during IVF to begin with, I am not sure I could handle it.  I mean you saw how emotional I was through this whole process.  Could you imagine adding to that?

I am also sad that this didn't work for reasons surrounding Blakely.  I weaned her at 12 1/2 months.  One of the main reasons I weaned her was so we could try for a second child.  Well here we are 6 months later (2 frozen embryos transferred in December and 2 fresh embryos this time) and not pregnant.  Now I am not saying that I would still be nursing her.  I don't know.  But I did feel pressure to hurry up and get her weaned so we could move forward.  The pressure came from myself, of course.  I guess I feel like it could have been a slower process.  

Also, the thought of never nursing another baby pretty much breaks my heart.  Into a million pieces.  I knew when I was pregnant with Blakely and throughout her entire life that I may not ever get to do this again.  I did, and continue to, soak up every second and enjoy every little thing.  I want to do it again.  I want to do it again so very badly.  

The IVF process is hard on my marriage.  It doesn't put my marriage in jeopardy or anything like that, but it is just a really hard thing for Lonnie and I to have to go through.  Not only the logistics of it (easier for me than him) but the emotional crazy person that I become when pumped full of hormones is hard on me AND him.  I just want us to move on from this phase in our lives.  We have had this huge burden with us for so long.  I want us to not have to worry about infertility anymore.  I am sure we will replace that worry with something else and that is just fine.  I am tired of this specific worry.  

When we were trying to get pregnant for the first time I went through some really tough times.  I was depressed.  I withdrew from my friends.  I did not want to go out and socialize ever.  Mostly because when you are meeting people the first thing they ask you is "Do you have any kids?"  Then everyone who has kids has a ton to talk about and I ended up feeling left out.  I avoided those situations at all costs.  My main concern when we decided to try for baby #2 was getting back into that funk.  I was very scared of that.  I have to say that when our FET failed in December I was ok.  I was sad for a minute but I was ok.  I knew we could do another IVF...we had another option.  Now that this option has failed I am feeling myself being pulled back into that dark place.  I can recognize that in myself and do something about it.  

So, moving forward, I am going to focus on what I do have.  I realize even more than I did before what a miracle Blakely is.  We are so lucky to have her in our lives and she is beyond amazing.  She is loving, smart, funny, and beautiful!  How incredible that she is our daughter.  I know there are some that struggle with infertility and never get their miracle.  We got ours and I am so grateful for that.  I am also grateful that I found such a wonderful man to marry me.  He works so hard to provide a great life for our little family.  I could not ask for anything more.  I am moved to tears almost every night when I (secretly) listen/watch over the monitor while he is putting her to bed.  He sings, she giggles, he reads, she cuddles, he talks, she talks.  They have such a wonderful relationship already.   

I want to thank you for your kind words over the past few days.  You guys are amazing and I don't know what I would do without your support.  I promise...no more sad posts from me!  I am moving on and getting happy!  

I'm ok

I just wanted to drop in to let you guys know that I am ok.  

Thank you all so much for the sweet comments on my last post.  I am beyond thankful that I have made so many friends through this blog.  I love that I can be totally honest in this space and not have to worry about any judgement.  Thank you for that.  You guys lift me up when I feel so low and I don't think there is anything better than that.  

I felt so much better after writing that post.  I just let it all out and then hit publish.  Sometimes that is the best way to do it for me.  I feel like once I wrote that post I was able to move on.  I had my little pity party, grieved the loss, and then put on my big girl panties.  It is Christmas and I am determined to make this one the best one yet.  My husband hasn't been as much of a Scrooge this year and I can't wait until Blakely sees all of her new toys.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  

After the holidays we will decide when we want to take the next step to expand our family.  Right now we are just enjoying each other and watching this amazing girl grow up.  She is the best thing that has ever happened to us and we are incredibly proud to be her parents. 

Merry Christmas everyone!  I hope your holiday is beautiful!  

One Year Ago

One year ago today my sweet and precious Blakely Ann was created.  What a miracle!  I can't believe that was a year ago.  I wrote this post that day and this post the next day.  When I think back to how I was feeling that day I get very emotional.  I was so nervous because I wanted the egg retrieval to go well.  Everything up to that point had gone better than before so I was so hopeful yet so very scared.  If IVF #3 didn't work, I wasn't sure what we were going to do.  I tried not to think about that but it is hard not to think about your backup plan...your plan B.  We had been through so much in 2010....4 failed IUI's, 2 failed IVF's, and more heartbreak than I care to even think about.  I didn't know if we could keep going.....


Out of 19 eggs retrieved we got 6 embryos.  Four of those embryos made it to day three.  Two of those four were transferred in to me and the other two were frozen.  Out of the two that were transferred we got our Blakely!  WOW!  She was such a little fighter.  I remember from the day that I found out that I was pregnant until the day I gave birth to her I would tell her every night how proud of her that I was.  Proud that she kept growing, proud that she made it, proud that she was hanging on, proud to be her mommy.  I am still crazy proud of her.  I hope that one day she will be proud of me.  


So tonight I will snuggle my miracle a little tighter, hold her a little longer, kiss her until she falls asleep, and tell her over and over how happy she makes me...with blissful tears streaming down my face...

A Year to Remember

2011 has been, by far, the best year of my life.  I started the year off with so much hope for the future.  2010 was a horrible year...for many reasons.  I was so ready to see it go.  I tried really hard to shut out all of the bad things that happened in 2010 and just start the new year off with hope and happiness.  I feel like I did a pretty good job of that.  

I am more thankful than I even know how to express for this wonderful year and all the joy it has brought into my life.  I am so grateful to have experienced the miracle of pregnancy.  I had such a wonderful pregnancy and I enjoyed every second.  I actually miss being pregnant.  Then, to get to go through the absolute miracle of the birth of my healthy daughter...well, that was just amazing and it makes me tear up every time I think about it.  This year has brought my husband and I even closer together.  I always knew that he would be a great father and he has proved me right a million times over.  I love him more than I thought possible and I know that we can make it through anything.  I look forward to 2012 with much anticipation as we will get to experience a ton of "firsts" with Blakely.  I can only hope that it brings us as much happiness as this year has.

And with that, I thought I would do a little reflecting on 2011.  Enjoy :)

January

• I started this blog on 1-20-11...I am so so so happy that I did.  I have made great friends, learned so much, and been supported when I needed it the most.  Thank you all so much!
• I started IVF #3 at the beginning of January.  I remember thinking surely the third time is the charm.  I forced myself to be positive and hopeful.  
• My lovely little embryos were made on 1-25-11.  (I posted about this here and here)
• Two of my lovely little embryos were transferred on 1-28-11.  (I posted about this here and here)
• My super sweet husband turned 38 in January also :)
• We went to New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl and I got unbelievably sick with a stomach bug....never been so sick in my life.  At one point Lonnie even mentioned taking me to the emergency room (which, if you knew him, is HUGE) and I told him no, that I would rather die in our hotel room than go to the ER in New Orleans the night before the Sugar Bowl.  This was before starting IVF meds.  Unfortunately I didn't get to go to the game :(

February

• I found out I was pregnant on 2-8-11.  Definitely one of the best days of my life!  My BFP post is here. 
• I found out we were pregnant with one sweet baby on 2-17-11.
• My husband scanned me and we saw Blakely's heartbeat for the first time on 2-24-11.  That day was so very special to us both and I will never forget anything about it.    
• February was an awesome month!!!

March

• I turned 29 on March 17th.  It was a great birthday because I was pregnant but I felt awful!
• We started telling people about our pregnancy on 3-27-11...that was super fun!
• I started my Kelly Belly posts!
• Spring officially started...my favorite season!

April

• We went to Chicago and I am still craving The Melting Pot.
• We had lots of crazy weather here and a bunch of tornadoes.  I spent quite a bit of time in the closet downstairs.  

May

• We found out we were having a girl!!
• I went on my family florida trip in May and had such and excellent time.  I was hoping to be pregnant on this trip for three years and it finally happened.  
• I celebrated my very first Mother's Day, although I think it will be even sweeter in 2012.
• Lonnie felt Blakely move for the first time!  

June

• Lonnie and I had our six year anniversary of our first date on 6-25-11
• We had such a wonderful summer!  We didn't do much but we did get to enjoy going on the lake before it got too hot...and boy did it get hot!!
• Collier and Syble came to stay with us for a weekend and we took them on the lake...which they LOVE!

 July

• We named our princess in July.
• We registered for our baby showers in July...that was so overwhelming but still super fun and something I had been looking forward to for a long time.  

August

• I had my first baby shower!  It was more than I could have asked more.
• We did our childbirth classes in August.
• I had my 4D ultrasound done In August by my friend....this was when we saw that B had a dimple in her chin just like her daddy :)
• I found out my very good friend, Katie, is expecting her first child in March!  Little Eli will be 5 months younger than Blakely.  
• Not too soon after that I found out my good friend Courtney was expecting!  Sweet Jayda will be 6 months younger than B!  

September

• I had three more baby showers!
• We had maternity pictures taken.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to have them done but I am so very happy that I did!
• We finally finished up Blakely's nursery.  My mom and I had so much fun planning her room!
• Fantasy football season started in September!  We had so much fun this year.  I don't think I've talked about this much but me and my girlfriends all play in a league together.   My husband hates it!
• I had the pleasure of scanning my friend Katie and telling her that she was having a boy!  What a wonderful treat that was :)

October

• Lonnie and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary on 10-6-11.
• We welcomed our sweet little Blakely on 10-13-11.  The birth story post and part two are probably my favorite posts ever....I have gone back and read them many times.  This was the best day of my life.  I became a mommy, made my husband a daddy, and got to kiss this sweet girl for the first time :)

• We had Blakely's newborn pictures taken.  Which reminds me...I think I only posted a few and forgot to post more after I ordered them.  Well here are a few of my favorites :)

This is the one when she pooped across the room...it was awesome!

• We celebrated Blakely's first Halloween.

November

• I was an emotional wreck for the first few weeks of November...might have had something to do with just having a baby??
• We celebrated Blakely's first Thanksgiving.
• Blakely turned one month old and I got to see her smile at me for the first time.  
• I wasn't able to scan my friend Courtney to determine the sex of her baby since I was on maternity leave.  But I had a friend of mine that works somewhere else do it and we were able to tell her she was having another little girl...that is always so much fun!  
• My dad celebrated 8 years of no drinking on November 19th.  I am so so so proud of him!  

December

• We celebrated Blakely's first Christmas.
• Blakely turned two months old!
• This month has been wonderful.  Blakely is so smiley all the time and just a happy baby overall.  
• I have started to get comfortable with this mommy thing this month.
• I also decided to quit my job and be a stay at home mom.  I'm pretty sure this will be the best decision I've ever made...besides marrying my husband :)  ...and starting my blog ;)
• Blakely laughed at me for the first time and I got it on video!  She has giggled a couple of times for Lonnie, my mom, and her grand cousin, but this was major laughing..and at me!  If I can figure out how to edit the video and post it then I will because it is SUPER cute.  

I hope I haven't forgotten something major...it is very likely...I seem to be quite orgetful these days! 

I have really enjoyed going back and reading some of my posts...especially some of my very first ones.  I included a ton of links and I totally don't expect y'all to go back and read all of those posts.  I just thought if there were some new readers that wanted to know more about me then they could check some of them out.  Except you mom...you are supposed to go back and read them all ;)

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope 2012 treats us all well!