on staying at home.

I have honestly been wanting to write a post on my thoughts about being a stay at home mom for a good 6 months.  I can't ever seem to find the right words.  Sometimes I sit down to write it and everything sounds like I am complaining.  Then other times everything sounds all pretty and glitter and rainbows.  Staying at home is neither.  I guess it depends on where I am at when I try to write it out.  I've decided that I am never going to get it written unless I just sit down, write and be honest.  So here goes...

To begin with I was never one of those that knew I would be a SAHM.  I thought I was going back to work after I had Blakely up until I was set to go back in 4 weeks.  Then something sort of clicked with me.  I did not want to leave her.  I also had no idea where she was going to go when I went back to work.  (Obviously I had procrastinated on that).  I just looked at Lonnie one night and told him that I wanted to stay at home with her for a while longer.  He was all for it as he had been trying to get me to stop working since I got pregnant.  

It was hard for me to call my boss but I knew it was the right thing at the time.

The first few months of being a SAHM were hard but they were hard in an "omg I just had this baby and I have no clue what I am doing" way.  Just like all new moms...working or staying at home.  My life revolved around poop and boobs (and my recovering perineum...oh the endless pain).  I felt successful if I washed my hair and pooped without crying.  

I found my groove when B was about 6 months old.  I was rocking the stay at home mom gig.  My girl was on a great schedule (crucial) and she was happy.  I was napping when she napped for her morning nap so I was well rested.  During her other naps I got all the things done.  All the things.  I felt successful at life.  Dinner was cooked, the house was cleaned and I had make up on.  

Dude...this is easy.  We can NAP!

At about the one year mark, or a little before, things got a bit hard.  She started walking so there was that.  She was in to more things and I couldn't leave the room for even a second.  Where she could destroy a cabinet full of stuff in no time while she was a crawler, when she became a walker she was able to destroy three rooms in the same amount of time.  We were beginning the transition from baby to toddler.  But oh how fun that stage was!  A tiny tot toddling around like a drunken sailor.  And the few words she was starting to say.  It was so cute and I miss that!  

Things got a lot hard at about 14 months and stayed that way until about 18-19 months.  For me I felt like she wasn't a baby anymore.  We can't just lay on the floor all day and play with a basket of stuffed toys or blocks anymore.  I felt like I needed to be teaching her things.  How do I teach her things?!?  This was also the end of any "me time" I had during the day.  She now noticed everything I was doing and, therefore, wanted to be doing those same things.  I could no longer read a blog while she ate her lunch or pay bills while she played on the floor.  And forget about making any phone calls while she was awake.  I could not pee without a toddler on my lap (still can't pee without her yelling "ready, set, go!  Mommy peeeeee!) and showers were out of the question.  I started looking forward to nap time so much.  The days were running together and they felt a little like this.  Feed the toddler, clean up the toddler mess, change the toddler diaper (after catching her), entertain the toddler, get the toddler to nap, do household chores at lightening speed before toddler wakes up, toddler always wakes up before chores are finished (always), feed the toddler, clean up the toddler mess, change more diapers, entertain the toddler, pick up after the toddler, give the toddler snacks, clean up the toddler snacks, entertain the toddler with the afternoon fussies, change more diapers, feed the toddler, clean up the toddler mess, and pray that Lonnie is going to walk through the door to help me soon.  I felt successful if I did not have a glass of wine with my lunch.  

Rainbows and glitter and unicorn babies!  ;)

reality...no make up and LOTS of crying on the floor for both of us.  rough day.    

Those 6 months or so were very hard on me.  I felt very guilty for looking forward to her naps and her bed time.  I chose to be a SAHM...why am I not enjoying this?!  I think I just had a hard time transitioning from having a baby to having a toddler.  I was also not allowing myself to relax or do things for myself.  I just needed to give myself a break.  

Once B hit about 20 months old I think I got my groove back.  She hit an age where she can understand a little bit of reason.  I decided I had to try to get her to play by herself some during the day.  She has never done this well.  At least for me.  Lonnie says she plays by herself great when he is watching her...go figure.  She has always wanted me on the floor playing with her.  No not on the couch.  On the floor wherever she is.  Once a day I try to get her to have some independent play time.  Usually in the afternoon after her nap (I try to be consistent) I tell her mommy has to work and she has to play in the living room.  Some days are better than others but we are making progress.  Things also got better because I started making some time for me.  I made myself a priority and that has done wonders for me.  I make plans with my friends or plans with Lonnie and I don't (or try not to) feel guilty about it.  Even being able to shower alone at night while she plays with Lonnie helps my peace of mind more than I ever thought possible.   

Things are not perfect now but I do feel like I am doing a better job.  I am sure in 6 months I am going to want to update this post and say "You just think that part was hard".  But that is what I am learning.  Parenting and raising another human being is incredibly hard and incredibly amazing at the same time.  It is okay to say it is hard or to say you are having a hard time.  That makes you real.  I hate when people say "enjoy every second".  That is just an impossibility.  Every new mom hears those words and they are immediately set up for failure.  That is how I felt about being a SAHM.  I thought I was supposed to be enjoying every second and instead I was wanting to hide in the closet with a bag of chips and cry.  I have learned (and am still learning) to accept the struggles AND the successes and just let them be.  It doesn't have to be perfect all day long all the time.  Just enjoy the good times and make it through the hard times.  That is the good thing about toddlers.  They can have the biggest meltdown over you not letting them put their hand in the candle and you think you may lose it if they don't stop all the crying and all the writhing on the floor.  But then 30 minutes later they walk over to you and give you a big fat kiss and a hug that may never end.  It doesn't take away the fact that things were hard during the meltdown but I am choosing to focus on the good things, the happy things, and the things that won't last forever.

I know that my time being home with her 7 days a week is coming to a close.  She will not be this little for long.  Soon enough we will be picking out a preschool, driving her to games and practices, picking out dresses for school dances and taking her senior pictures (NO!).  When I think of staying at home with her in that context I am able to focus more on the happy and not the hard.  Sure some days I want to pull my hair out because within the first hour of her being awake she has yelled "SHIT MOMMY" 1,000 times.  (She means sit, so I hear this a lot every day....SHIT CHAIR MOMMY!  SHIT BED MOMMY!)  And sometimes I think I may cry when Lonnie calls and says he is going to be home late from work.  But I am doing better at not letting the hard stuff overwhelm me.  

This little darling (and occasional terror) is the best thing I have ever done.  And staying home with her has been the absolute hardest and most rewarding thing I have done

oh...and obviously she is in an "accessorizing" phase...