Pink pumpkin 1st birthday party!

I am pretty sure this is the longest post in the history of blogging.  I thought about breaking it into 2 posts but that got to be way too hard.  So here it all is with waaaay too many pictures :) 

Blakely's birthday party was on her actual birthday, last Saturday the 13th.  We had it at our house and I tried to keep it pretty small.  We just had our family and close friends.  Lonnie didn't think we really needed a party and I told him that he was insane.  He gave me the obligatory "she isn't even going to remember it" whine.  I told him that he just needed to get over it...we were having a party!  Let's face it, the party wasn't as much for her as it was for me, right?  A reason to craft, shop, decorate, and eat.  All awesome.

So I decided on a pumpkin theme.  Sarah and I decorate pumpkins every year so this just seemed like the perfect way to go.  At first, I was just going to do orange, green, and white for the colors but I felt like it needed something.  It wasn't "girly" enough.  I decided to throw some pink in and then I found this invitation...

Yeah, it was perfect!

I have been planning the party for a few months now and most spare time I had was spent making things for the party or making lists of things to do/get for the party.  I got a lot of the ideas from Pin.terest but I didn't pin any of them because I didn't want everyone to see before the party!  Plus, if I pinned then people would be expecting some sort of awesome and that was too much pressure.  I definitely had a vision though, and I feel like it came together perfectly.  I had a lot of help of course...thank you Sarah!  And my mom for coming over and watching B every night for like 2 weeks so I could get stuff done.  It is amazing how much there is to do for a party for a one year old.  I had fun doing it but I am definitely glad it is done and now I can focus on something else.  Like Christmas!

All in all it was a great day celebrating our sweet girl.  I actually didn't cry once that day!  We are so very lucky to have so many friends and family that love our Blakely.  I couldn't have asked for anything more for her big birthday.  

Here is a complete picture overload for you now :)

The driveway from the front door

This was our "pumpkin path" leading to the front door.  Pumpkin shaped place mats (super cheap).

B waiting for the party to start.  

Hi everyone!

This was in my entryway.  

a few up close...

Pumpkin favors that I made

This was the living room.   

So there is one pumpkin (that Sarah so beautifully chevron-ed!).  I had all of the other real pumpkins that we painted displayed behind the couch.  

Here is a close-up of the pumpkins...

I had picture frames of B's monthly pictures throughout the house.  Some were on the food table and some were in the shelving in my living room.  

I had all of the food set up in my dining room.  Here is a pic of the table and then a close up of the different dishes.  

Pumpkin dip in a carved out pumpkin 

Cheese ball made to look like a pumpkin

These were pinwheels that I (meaning my mom) stuck a toothpick though with some parsley so it would sort of look like a pumpkin.  Not a great pic but you get the idea..

Veggie cups

ADORABLE cookies that I had made at the last minute.  They are shaped liked pumpkins.  

Salted caramel cupcakes and vanilla cupcakes.  The place I got these is going to be on Cup.cake Wars soon...

This might have been my favorite thing from the party...so cute...

I didn't get a picture of the drinks after we put them out but I had two large clear dispensers.  One with orange soda and the other with pink lemonade.  I seriously love the straws too!

I also had water bottles.  Dudes, that is duc.t tape on the water bottles.  So easy and SO CUTE!

Blakely had a great time opening her gifts.  Basically she sat there while everyone watched her...perfect for my attention loving child.  The chair was her gift from me and Lonnie.

She was kind of over it after a while ;)

All of the kids played with her toys after she finished opening.  

Blakely and Aunt Sarah

Lonnie with his brother and sister-in-law

All of her presents...she's not spoiled...Geeezzz

After gifts we did cake!

She totally spit it out at first...

Yes, he did smash cake in my face.  

I got him back though ;)

She wasn't the biggest fan of cake.  She mostly just wanted to feed it to everyone else.  I have a picture of her shoving cake in just about everyone's mouth!

At the end of the party we tried to get a picture of Blakely with my friends' babies.  This is how that went.  

If you made it through all of that then you are my best friend for life!!!  And, I will share a secret with you.  I haven't taken any of these decorations down.  I can't bring myself to do it.  Maybe before Thanksgiving.  Maybe.  

One Year

One year ago today, Lonnie and I got our miracle.  

Happy birthday to the very best thing that has ever happened to us.  

This time last year

This time last year I looked like this...

This day last year I went to my 39 week appointment and found out that I would be meeting my daughter the next day.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  Yes, I was uncomfortable but mostly I was just anxious.  Nervous.  Scared about how much my life was about to change.  Wondering how everything would go.  I thought I was ready.  That I was prepared.  But I had no idea what this child would do to my life.

She is my reason for breathing.  My reason for everything.  I am so overwhelmed with love for her that it literally makes me ache sometimes.  She's beautiful.  She's smart.  She's funny.  And she's mine.  Oh how that makes me smile!  I am so lucky to have this little girl as my daughter.  I am more proud of her than she will ever know.  She is my greatest accomplishment.  I can't even believe it has almost been a year....WOW.

Hi. I'm emotional.

While nursing my *almost* one year old daughter Thursday night, I broke down.  I cried and then I cried some more.  I really haven't cried like that since she was born.  Ugly cry.  Let me explain.  

We are full on weaning.  I have just been nursing once in the morning and once at night for about a week.  I was planning on dropping the night nursing this weekend.  So that night was going to be the last night I nursed her before bed.  I was just staring at her and she was all snuggled up to me.  She looked so comfortable and relaxed as her eyes kept closing and then fluttering open to look at me.  Why am I taking this away from her?  Why am I taking this away from myself?  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to be done.  I AM ready to be done.  But last night I realized that I was just ready to be done during the day.  I could definitely continue nursing only morning and night for a while.  I think that I want to do that.  

Oh, but wait.  One of the reasons I am weaning her is because we are ready to start gearing up for our frozen embryo transfer.  Still breastfeeding=no baby #2.  This just pisses me off.  It is so unfair that I have to even make this decision.  If we had gotten pregnant easily this wouldn't even be an issue.  I would wean her whenever I felt like it and it would be no big deal.  I feel all of this pressure...like the boobs have to be turned off by our appointment at the end of October.  Like I need to hurry up and get my period.  Like I should've stopped drinking caffeine a month ago (shoot me).  Again, this is so unfair.  Welcome to my pity party.  

I think it is all just coming at me so fast.  She is turning 1 in a week...A WEEK!  Weaning has been going well but last night made me rethink the whole thing.

When I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed.  I worried so much about it, more than labor actually.  I am so lucky that it has gone so well for me.  I have loved being able to have that bond with Blakely.  I don't think I am ready to give it up yet.  

And it isn't all about me.  I don't want to nurse her forever obviously.  I just want it to happen organically.  Not this crazy rushed process.  She has done well with it so far and it hasn't been a big deal.  I want that to happen with these last two feedings also.  She isn't ready to give those up yet.  Soon, but not this weekend.  

Lonnie understands my feelings.  But he also thinks it is going to be hard for me to stop nursing no matter when I do it.  I know he is right.  Ugh....this is so much harder than I thought!  

Obviously I am a crazy emotional crazy person because now I am crying again.  I am certain that I am about to start the mother of all postpartum periods.  I'm pretty sure this post just proves that...

A chance to miss me

I have started going to the gym.  Mainly because I am completely out of shape and get out of breath going up my stairs.  But I joined also because they have child care.  So I can work out and she can interact with other kids...which she never gets to do.  I feel like she is getting to the age where she needs that.  They let you use the childcare for free with your membership for 2 hours a day.  Believe me, I seriously considered just taking her there and then sneaking into the locker room to read for 2 hours.  Still might do that.  

Anyway, we went yesterday for the second time.  There were about 10 kids there and Blakely was the youngest by at least 2 years.  She loves it because it is like a huge room and all she can think about is all the new toys she can play with.  The women who work there seem to really like B as well.  They keep telling me how happy she is, etc.  

I nearly died worked out for about an hour and then went back down to pick her up.  I walked in and she didn't see me.  She was busy chewing on some toy and being mesmerized by all the kids running around her.  I stood there and watched her for a few minutes.  I was telling myself how good this was for both of us.  I get a little me time (!!!!) and she gets to play...she was enjoying herself.  It made me happy.  

But then the most amazing thing happened.

She saw me.  

She threw that toy halfway across the room and crawled faster than I've ever seen her crawl, all with a huge smile on her face...heading directly to me.  She pulled up on my leg and started yanking my pants and saying "BA! BA! BA!" (which means up in baby).  I picked her up and she started giggling and snuggling.  

I almost burst into tears right there.  She missed me.  She loves me.  She recognized me and WANTED me....wanted me more than that awesome new chew toy that feels so good on her gums.

It was such an epiphany for me.  I know that she loves me, I am her mama after all.  But I don't really ever get to see it.  We spend all day together, every single day.  And yes, she gives me kisses and doesn't like it when I leave the room.  But she cries for me at home.  Cries when she's hungry, because I feed her.  Cries when she's sleepy, because I put her to bed.  Cries when she's bored, because I am the one who entertains her every day.  It is a good feeling knowing that I meet her needs and she knows it.  But, Lonnie is always the one who gets the "OMG! DADDY IS HOME...SQUEEEE!!!"  She is so happy to see him walk through that door everyday and it melts my heart every time.  She misses him.  

Watching her be that happy to see me, now that was a great feeling.  I don't get that very often.  She doesn't ever really get a chance to miss me.  She sees me all day long.  But, now I can be confidant that she does miss me even if I don't see it.  I am her person...I do all things for her.  She loves her mommy and that, THAT is the best feeling in the world.