Emery Harper. Her second week.

Em's second week at Arkansas Children's Hospital she started turning a corner.  Her breathing was getting better every day and at the beginning of the week she was taken off all breathing support.  She was tolerating feedings and they were steadily increasing the amount she took via her tube every 3 hours until mid week she was at a full feeding for her weight.  

Sunday, May 3rd (6 days old), was the second time that I went to visit her.  My dad took me and I got to hold her almost the entire time I was there.  I took 15 minutes to pump but other than that I was snuggling my girl.  

I mentioned that I had a few meltdowns.  Well let me tell you about the biggest one.  I went to visit Em for the first time on Friday May 1st.  I immediately wanted to go back.  On Saturday morning we realized that Benton was going to be able to come home from the hospital Sunday.  Lonnie and I started planning when I could get back to Em.  We planned for Sunday afternoon after bringing Benton home...he would watch Blakely and Benton and his mom would be at the house to help if needed.  Saturday night he and I were talking like we always did before going to bed and we realized that if he got called in on Sunday afternoon while I was visiting Emery then his mom would be stuck with Blakely and Benton.  She was not comfortable with that and neither were we.  I was upset.  Then I started thinking.  He was working the whole next week.  There was literally not a time that I would be able to go see Emery because he was the only one we were comfortable with watching Benton and Blakely.  I freaked.  I felt like I was never going to be able to see her and I was the worst mom in the world.  I was worried something was going to happen to her and I had only seen her once.  Only held her once.  I knew nothing about her.  I felt so detached from her.  Let me tell you....it was not pretty.  

Lonnie understood.  He got it.  He didn't make me feel bad for freaking out.  He just went to work figuring it out.  He called his partner and asked him to cover call for a few hours so I could go visit Emery.  Thankfully he said he would and I got to go like originally planned.  So very thankful for him and his wife for helping us out.  (random but they actually have 2 year old twins and have been oh so helpful to us in more ways than one!)  

Sooooo on Sunday I got to see Em and hold her.  At this point she and Benton were eating on the same schedule.  This was not my doing but was some random miracle of the universe.  She got breast milk every three hours and she was on the 8 am schedule so she ate at 8a, 11a, 2p, 5p, 8p, 11p, 2a and 5a.  When I visited her the first time I realized that Benton had eaten at around 8a that day so I decided to keep him on that schedule IF AT ALL POSSIBLE OMG PLEASE.  Thankfully he did really well with eating every 3 hours so it worked out.  When I would visit her it was always about time for her to eat so I would pump there and leave the milk for her feedings.  

My dad took me back to Children's on Tuesday evening.  We waited until Lonnie got home from work and I fed Benton at 5p, pumped and then we left.  The nurse on Sunday had mentioned that the next time I came we may be able to try "non nutritive breastfeeding" since she was tolerating the breast milk so well.  I was thrilled about this because it meant we were making so much progress.  Non nutritive breastfeeding works like this....  I pumped and then I got to attempt nursing her.  When she latched on they gave her milk through her tube.  This helps to associate sucking with a full tummy.  But it takes away the risk of aspiration when preemies are first learning to eat.  

My sweet girl latched right on.  I mean open mouth and a strong suck.  I was so surprised!  So I cried, of course.  They started her tube feed and she just kept right on sucking for the first 5 minutes or so.  At one point I thought I was going to have a letdown and the nurse said it was okay to keep her on there because her vitals were doing okay.  After about 15 minutes she fell off and fell asleep.  I just held her like that and talked to her and told her how proud I was of her.  And then she threw up!  Ugh!  I was so happy she had done so well and then BOOM...vomit everywhere.  It freaked me out but the nurse said it was pretty normal because she was doing a few things at a time and she wasn't used to that.  I tried to not let it get me down and just be happy that she latched so well.  We snuggled for a while longer and then it was time to go home.  I hated leaving of course but planned on coming back on Thursday.  

On Thursday morning I was preparing to leave Benton and Blakely with my mother in law and Brenda so I could visit Emmers when I got a phone call from her pediatrician.  She told me that Emery was doing really well and she was ready to learn how to breastfeed!  EEEKKK!  

I want to take a minute here and just say how awesome Arkansas Children's Hospital was.  I mean they are seriously doing it right.  They make these difficult situations so much easier...as easy as they possibly can.  Any time I called up there I had Emery's nurse on the phone in minutes.  They answered all of my questions and never made me feel like I was wasting their time or asking something stupid.  At one point I had a question that the nurse didn't know the answer to.  She put me on hold and had the doctor on the line with both of us in a matter of minutes.  I then had a 10 minute conversation with the neonatologist who not only answered my questions but asked me how I was doing and wanted to know if Benton was doing well.  Everyone really cared and wanted the best for me and my babies.  

Anyway, when I got the call from the pediatrician that Emery was ready to learn how to nurse I was super happy.  I just had no idea how we were going to make that work when she was an hour away from her brother and I.  Little did I know but her doctor had some ideas on how to make it happen!  

Benton Parker. His first week.

My Benton man had a very different first week than his sister.  He came out screaming and acted like a term baby from the get go.  I have been told and reminded many many times over the last 4 weeks that this was not normal at all and he is a total rock star.  I knew that ;) He was smaller and I worried about him but he basically said, "Chill Mom.  I got this."

They observed him in the nursery for a few hours just to make sure he stayed stable.  Once they knew he wasn't going to have trouble breathing they brought him to my room.  I was thrilled.  I had been sitting in a room full of people just waiting for them to say he was ready to come in for what seemed like FOREVER.  

I cried a lot of tears when I finally got to hold him.  I just put my head to his head and cried.  I was overwhelmed.  After all this time and all that we went through...the babies were finally here.  

I asked if I could nurse him.  He was so tiny!  They said yes and he took to it right away.  But seriously...his  mouth was so tiny...I was scared!  He was having some trouble keeping his blood sugar up so he had to be on an IV.  Just like with most newborns, the biggest hurdle with breastfeeding those first few days was keeping him awake long enough to eat.  Since he was premature he couldn't regulate his body temperature super well so they wouldn't let me unwrap him to nurse.  That was hard because that was always my go-to to keep Blakely awake..that and a wet washcloth.  But we did it.  After a few days he was able to hold his temp and we did some skin to skin.  

I was discharged from the hospital on Thursday but they let me stay and "room-in" with him since he was still a patient and I had to feed him every 3 hours.  So thankful for that.  I got to stay in my same room I just was not longer a patient and could come and go as I needed (which was never) and had to get my own food.

We had a lot of visitors during that week in the hospital.  People brought me food and came to keep me company.  Lonnie was back at work so he would stop by occasionally during the day and after work.  

Benton was nursing great and my milk came in the 3rd day postpartum.  Right before that time he was still not able to keep his blood sugar up so we had a few instances of getting off the IV only to go back on it after a feeding and blood sugar check.  I could tell my milk was well on its way and I knew that would fix the issue.  But at one point they checked his blood sugar before a feeding and then after.  After the feeding it was only 28 (want it to be 45) so this was way too low.  I mildly (HA!) freaked out and decided to give him a little bit of formula instead of waiting for my milk because I was super worried it would stay low even with the IV.   He had to go back on the IV that time as well.  Literally the next feeding my milk was flowing so we had no more issues with that.  

Benton and I did A LOT of snuggling that week.  I kept him in the room with me most of the time unless I wanted to try and take a nap.  I knew that time was special.  I knew I would always remember that first week with him and cherish it.  It was just me and him and I couldn't get enough.  I memorized his face and all his little expressions.  The way he pursed his lips all the time, his cute little squeaks and how he looked like a tiny old man because he was so wrinkly.  I loved seeing the fuzzy blonde hair all over his face.  

  

His bilirubin went up and he needed to be under the lights for a little over a day.  That meant he had to be in the nursery except for when he was nursing.  That happened to be the day I went to see Emery for the first time.  That evening after nursing him at 8pm I mentioned to his nurse that I missed him.  She was too sweet and said we could set him up under the bili light in my room and he and I could snuggle.  So we did skin to skin under the light.  It was wonderful and I loved it even though I was a sweaty mess after 2 hours of it!  

 

One of his nurses one night found him this little sleeper and she was so excited to show it to me.  It was a preemie size and he wore it the rest of his stay.  I love that sleeper and will never get rid of it! 

 

The night the babies were born my aunt went to my house and packed up a few things to bring up to me (since I had nothing!)  Blakely just had to send a "peep" up to Benton.  She picked her little Minnie.  Later in the week I took this picture because they were about the same size!  My tiny little man!  

 

The day after the babies were born Blakely came up to the hospital to meet Benton.  She was seriously excited and did so well.  She held him and was gentle and kept saying "he's so soft".  

 

Saturday after they were born Lonnie was on call.  He brought Blakely up to hang out with me and Benton while he rounded on his patients.  She thought that was so fun.  She held him and helped me change his diaper and tried to help me feed him.  Ha! 

 

Although his first week was much less scary than Emery's, it was not without stress.  A lot of that had to do with the fact that I was an emotional wreck the whole time.  I tried to "have it together" but I definitely lost it a few times.  I was in a lot of pain, trying to take care of my tiny preemie son and worrying about my preemie daughter that I couldn't be with.  Not to mention I was away from Blakely and I felt terrible about that.  We would FaceTime as much as possible and she was being such a big girl but I could tell she was sad that I wasn't ever home.  I was also determined to make breastfeeding work so I was feeding 2 babies in 2 different locations.  I fed him every 3 hours and then pumped for 15 minutes after every single feeding.  There was not a lot of sleep.  I am thankful for wonderful nurses that never made me feel like I was over reacting or "too emotional".  

It was a crazy first week with all my babies but a week I will never ever forget!  

Emery Harper. Her first week.

My youngest babe, Emery, had a difficult time when she first entered the world.  She had lungs full of fluid and she was having a hard time breathing.  They knew pretty quickly that she was going to need to be transported to a different hospital.  


Once they knew I was going to be sectioned they had called a hospital in Little Rock to let them know that they may be needed.  So once the pediatrician made the call that she needed to go the helicopter was on its way.

Lonnie stayed with our sweet E the entire time.  A few days after their birth I finally got a chance to talk details with him about what all happened when she was born.  Even though he is a physician and has seen plenty of horrible things in his career, seeing his precious daughter being worked on the way they worked on her really traumatized him.  I could tell because he didn't really want to talk much about it.  But I made him because I wanted to know.

He stood back and watched the nursery nurses and the pediatrician do their jobs.  Our good friend, Karl, who is an ER doctor was right there with him ready to jump in and help if needed.  (I did not know this until much later)

Since her lungs were full of fluid they did chest compressions to help her try to expel some of it.  I think that is the thing that really sticks in Lonnie's head.  I know it sticks in mine and I didn't even see it happen.  I tear up just thinking about it.   They put her on oxygen immediately and started an IV although that took many attempts.  She was stable but she needed surfactant and the hospital where I delivered does not keep it around.  It is a very expensive drug and has the shelf life of milk.  Since they don't deliver many preemies they don't keep it.

When I made Lonnie leave the babies for just a minute to talk to me, he told me that Em would probably be intubated when they brought her in to see me.  I cried.  He explained that they have to intubate them because that is how they give the surfactant.  I hated that my girl was going to have to go through that but I just wanted her to be ok.  When they wheeled her in to see me she was not intubated she was just on nasal cannula oxygen.  The flight nurses explained that they would just do a quick intubation (in to give the meds and then right back out) once they got to Arkansas Children's Hospital.

I stroked her little foot because that is the only thing I could reach.  Looking back I feel like I was in such a fog.  I couldn't believe this was happening and it just didn't seem real.  I mean a couple of hours prior I was feeling fine and thinking I could make it a couple of more weeks!  You know how it is after you give birth...it almost doesn't seem real.  Then at some point it hits you.  And then you cry.  Or I do anyway!  

The helicopter took off with our daughter and Lonnie ran home to grab some clothes, talk to Blakely and then head straight to Little Rock to be with Emery.  When he got home we Face Timed with Blakely.  She didn't know that the babies had been born and I wanted to be the one to tell her.  The first thing she said was, "OUT?  The babies are out of your tummy?"  She was excited and I told her I would send her pictures as soon as I could. 

Lonnie left and went to be with Emery.  When he got there they were about to give her the surfactant.  Thankfully it made her breathe better almost immediately and they were able to extubate her quickly.  She was on a c-pap for a couple of days (this forces oxygen into the nose).

Over the next couple of days the doctors said she was progressing as expected.  She was having episodes of really rapid breathing and she was also having retractions.  Just looking at her it looked like she was working to breathe.  It is hard to explain but it looked like her chest was caving in a lot when she would try to breathe in.  They said that was normal and would get better over time but it freaked me out a bit.

She rested much easier on her tummy

Since I was still recovering in the hospital I could not go see my sweet girl.  Lonnie was with her the first couple of days but then he went back to work on Thursday (they were born on Monday) and he never got to hold her because she had a catheter in her umbilical artery.    The only way I stayed sane during those first few days was to watch the live camera feed that ACH offers.  They have a camera on each baby in the NICU and you can login and see your baby anytime you want.  I loved being able to see her.  I was spending so much time with Benton, staring at him and memorizing his face.  It made me cry because I didn't know what Emery looked like.  I had only seen her for a short minute and now she had a ton of stuff on her face and, well, I cried a lot.  But being able to watch her wiggle and try like crazy to pull out her tubes gave me some comfort.  Feisty girl.  The sweet nurses would leave us little notes and that would always make me smile.  Sometimes they would say I miss you Benton!  Love, Emery.  Other times they would say I love you Mom and Dad.  And then one day they left this one and we were so excited!  

We also had a few FaceTime dates when Lonnie was still with her.  

She moved from c-pap to nasal cannula on her 5th day of life and then quickly weaned off the nasal cannula after that, by the end of her first week.  She had catheters in her umbilical artery and one in her umbilical vein.  She also had an IV and they were giving her TPN through that.  She had a tube from her mouth to her stomach and they started giving her my breast milk through that when she was 3 days old.  They started with 5 mL and she did great with that so they slowly increased it over the next few days.

My girl was obviously hungry.  She would root around and try to eat her hands.  They gave her a pacifier while she was getting her feedings via the OG (orogastric) tube so she could associate sucking with a full tummy.  Sometimes I would check the live feed and she would be screaming her head off all because she lost her pacifier.  The nurse would come put it back and she would be fine.  

On Friday (actually Thursday evening but I couldn't travel until Friday) I was released from the hospital and I couldn't wait to go see my girl.  The logistics of trying to figure out how to make this happen were crazy.  At this point, Benton was still in the hospital in Hot Springs.  Since my goal was to exclusively breastfeed (both babies) I needed to leave enough milk for him to have one bottle.  So I fed him at 8am (took 30 minutes), pumped (took 15 minutes and prayed it would be enough to leave for him to have a bottle), loaded up the milk I was taking to Emery and left (around 9am).  I had to be back by the 2pm feeding.  They wanted me to leave minimum 30 mL of milk for him at the 11am feeding.  I had enough to leave him 34 mL and the rest was going to Emery.  My milk was just starting to come in so literally every single drop counted.  This was the second day Em was getting breast milk and they had enough at ACH to finish her 8am feeding that day and then they were out.  I was taking more for her next feedings.  The timing of everything was crucial and very stressful!  

My mother in law drove me the hour to Little Rock since I couldn't drive.  I cried a few times on the way there.  I was nervous for some reason.  I guess I just didn't know what to expect.  They had removed her umbilical artery catheter earlier that day so I knew I may get to hold her.  That is all I wanted.  To hold her and stare at her.  

And I did!  It is pretty weird to see your daughter really for the first time when she is 3 days old.  It was kind of a realization of, okay, I did have 2 babies!  I cried some more.  Theme?  Yes.  It was hard to see her face with all the tubes and such but I could tell immediately that she and her brother looked nothing alike.  There was something about her that reminded me of Blakely but I wasn't sure what it was.  I never wanted to let her go.  It was so hard to leave her but I knew I had to get back to Benton.  The nurses there are so wonderful so I felt like I was leaving her in good hands.  I couldn't wait until I could get back to her.  

Towards the end of her first week Lonnie and I were getting worried that her breathing was just staying the same and not really getting any better.  Still with the episodes of rapid breathing and still having retractions.  They assured us that she was getting better just slowly.  She was doing GREAT with her feedings from her tube and they continued to increase the amount of breast milk until she was at a full feeding.  They said it would just take time for her to mature.  She was only 34 weeks 1 day when she was born.  

So that was Emery's first week of life.  It started off scary but she got the medication she needed and she was in the best hospital she could be in.  She was making progress and was only on nasal cannula to room air for breathing (the minimum) and was tolerating her feedings well.  All that we could ask for!  I'll stop here and post about her 2nd week soon.  Up next...Ben man's first week!  

First things first...The Birth Story!

On Monday April 27th I had an appointment with the doctor for my 34 week check up.  I felt great that day.  Better than I had felt in quite some time.  My contractions were very much under control and besides just being in pain from carrying around 10 pounds of baby I was feeling good.  For the first time in weeks I was not expecting a change at the appointment (this should have been my biggest clue!).

My last belly pic the day I turned 34 weeks.  The babies were born the next day.  

I arrived at 2:00 for my non stress test and then I was to see Dr. C after that.  They had some trouble getting both babies to show up on the NST.  We could hear both of their heartbeats and they were both variable which is good but it would not print out as two separate babies on the strip because their machine is not that great for twins.  The nurse and doctor both tried and decided to just have me run over to the hospital for 15 minutes after my exam since their machine was much better for twins.  The hospital is connected to their office so it wasn't a big deal to just walk over there real quick.  They assured me nothing was wrong and I wasn't worried because I could hear their heartbeats and they varied with their movement each time...the whole point of a NST.  

Then I went into the exam room and the nurse took my blood pressure.  It was a little high.  I think about 138/90-something.  My bp runs low during pregnancy and the highest it had been was like 112/70-ish.  I knew it was from laying on my back for 10 minutes right before that when they were trying to do the NST.  We were going to recheck it after Dr. C checked my cervix.

He came in and I laid back and he did the checking.  ;)  It went something like this.  

Me: OW
Him: Well it looks like we are the same....wait....no...not the same....
Me: OMG OW
Him:  Hmmm...So you are 3 cm dilated.  That changes things.  (I had been a 1 for weeks)
Me: OMG OMG OUCH
Him:  (Finally stopping the longest most painful cervical check ever)  How are the contractions?  Blah blah blah talk talk talk....more talk talk talk.  
Me:  (finally sitting up and shaking the stars out of my head so I don't pass out)  I have no idea what you said so you are going to have to repeat that!  

Basically I was 3 cm and since I was going to the hospital for the NST he thought we should just put me on the monitor for a little bit and check the contractions.  Fine by me.  I thought that was a great idea.  I told him the contractions had been great for the last 48 hours...only about every 10-20 minutes and not painful.  Then he told the nurse to get a wheelchair for me and they would wheel me over.  This maybe should have tipped me off that things were not going to go like I thought but it didn't.  As I was being wheeled out he asked me when the last time I ate was.  I told him and he said nothing more to eat or drink.  Then he handed me back the paperwork I had given to him earlier in the appointment about storing the cord blood.  He said take this because we may not need it (I needed him to sign it then I was going to fax it to the cord blood people and they would send me a kit for the cord blood to be banked when the babies were born).  I looked at him and told him he was freaking me out.  He told me not to freak, of course, but this was the first time I thought...hmmmmm...this doesn't seem right.

They wheeled me through the waiting room so I could tell Jenni (she had driven me there) to go get Blakely because I was going to be monitored at the hospital for a little bit.  I was very calm but she got a little panicky.  I told her it was fine and I would call her if/when I needed her to come get me.  Ha!  

When I got to labor and delivery my super awesome wonderful nurse, Susie, that helped deliver Blakely was there.  LOVE HER.  She got me all situated on the monitor and I was contracting every 5 minutes.  That didn't bother me at all because I swear I had been doing that for weeks on and off.  She asked me a bunch of questions and then made me sign a bunch of stuff.  I could tell she was prepping for babies to be born.  I asked her about it and she said she just wanted to be prepared just in case.  I agreed.  So I signed the consents for a c-section (both babies were breech).  After about 10 minutes I straight up asked her if she thought I was having babies today.  She smiled and said she thought there was a high probability that I would.  She told me that Dr. C would be over soon to check me again and if there had been ANY progress at all then we would be delivering the babies.  This is when I had my first reality check.  HOLY.  I may be having 34 week babies.  I need to call Lonnie!  I asked my nurse if I should tell him to come right now or was it okay for him to come when he got off work.  At this point it was 3:30 and he got off at 5:00.  She said you need to tell him to come now if he can.  So he did.  Then I called my mom and she left work to come to the hospital.  

I remember just sitting there thinking "is this really happening"?  I felt fine.  I was only a 3.  People walked around for weeks at a 3, right?  Why the rush to get the babies out?

A short time after Lonnie got there, so about 4:00 and about 45 minutes after I arrived at L&D, the contractions got intense all of the sudden.  My nurse was in there and as soon as the first one peaked I said "okay, that really hurt".  I thought it was just a random painful one.  No.  No no no.  From here on out they were painful.  

This was my next reality check.  Why are these all the sudden hurting oh so bad.  They were way more intense than any I had been having at home.  

Soon after this Dr. C came in to check me...maybe 30 minutes after the contractions geared up and about an hour or so after I got to L&D.  I knew this was the moment.  The moment I would find out if I was going to have 34 week preemie babes or if all this was just going to slow down.  I think deep down I knew.  He waited for my contraction to stop and then checked me.  I was almost a 6 and 100% effaced.  (I was a 3 and 80% in the office about an hour prior).  I was in active labor.  The hospital ships moms in labor out if they are before 34 weeks and not in active labor.  I was 34 weeks 1 day and definitely in active labor so I was going to be delivering there (in Hot Springs) for sure.  No one would transport me since I had had such a huge change in a short amount of time AND the babies were breech.  

I felt comfortable delivering there although I was very nervous about it.  I mean I was happy I made it to 34 weeks but that is still too early.  I worried they would have trouble once they were born.  They told me they contacted the hospital in Little Rock (an hours drive) and if there were any problems after the twins were born the helicopter would be sent immediately.  Lonnie and Dr. C contacted the pediatrician and he came to the delivery.  

Once I knew the babies were going to be born it was all really a blur.  I was in pain and things were happening fast.  I asked my nurse when we would do the section.  She said we would have babies in less than 30 minutes.  Ummm....whoa!  I didn't realize we were going so fast but I am glad they did because I think the babies were ready to get the heck out.  I was hurting so bad and I remember asking 50 times if they could take the belts off my belly.  Those were making the pain of the contractions even worse.  I was very very ready for my spinal.  

Very soon they wheeled me back to the OR and Lonnie was with me the whole time.  On the way is when I realized I was about to have major surgery.  I hadn't really thought about c-sections even though I knew it was a possibility and a more than likely outcome for this pregnancy.  I hadn't read a thing about them so I didn't really know what to expect except what you see on TV (basically exactly the same).  They FINALLY took those belts off and I got a little bit of relief in between contractions.  They gave me the spinal and it was immediate sweet relief from the pain.  A really really weird feeling but the pain was gone and I was happy for that.  They laid me down on the table and got me all strapped in and draped, etc.  I started shaking really bad but they told me that was normal.  I just closed my eyes instead of watching the flurry of activity because that was making me nervous. 

At one point, my amazing nurse asked if I could feel what she was doing.  I told her I could tell she was doing something but I didn't know what it was.  She said, "well I just put your catheter in" and I told her I definitely did not feel that!  Once that was done we were all set to go.  

Lonnie was beside me but he also watched the whole thing.  I was doing okay until I smelled the burning flesh from the device they use to cut you open.  I have been in on multiple surgeries so I knew exactly what was happening.  This smell sent me through the roof.  I knew too much and this was something I never realized.  I was having major surgery while I was wide awake.  TERRIBLE!  I mean I wanted to be awake to see my babies but let me tell you I was oh so ready for the surgery to be over.  All I could think about was what they were doing and it was difficult for me not to want to puke and/or pass out.  

After what seemed like forever, although Lonnie assures me it was only a few minutes and the whole thing went really fast, Dr. C said I was going to feel a lot of pressure as they pulled out the first baby.  

Benton Parker.  My tiny man.  Born at 5:14 pm and weighing 4 pounds 13 ounces and 18 inches long.  

The first time I saw him.  It was about 3-4 hours after he was born.  

They told me he was out and I could feel much less pressure on my lungs.  He screamed and they whisked him away to the room next door to check him out.  I did not get to see him.  

Then 2 minutes later they said I would feel more pressure as baby girl was coming out.  I immediately felt like I could breathe again when she came out.  Everyone in the room said, "oh she is definitely the chunkier one".  

Emery Harper.  Born at 5:16 pm weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and 17 inches long.  

I remember being worried by this because preemie white boys typically have the hardest time.  So now my little Benton was a preemie AND he was the smaller twin.  Little did I know it was going to be the opposite.  She did not cry and I did not get to see her.  They whisked her away to the next room to be checked out by the pediatrician.  

Lonnie went with the babies as planned while they sewed me back up.  This seemed to take forever although Lonnie said it was really fast.  At some point while Dr. C was doing that Lonnie came back in to tell me something.  He said that Emery was having difficulty breathing and she needed a drug called surfactant.  She would have to be flown to Little Rock to get it.  He calmly explained that she was fine and this was just mainly a "precaution".  When Lonnie explains things calmly it freaks me out.  When things get crazy he gets very calm so I barely believed him that everything was a "precaution".  At this point he said they weren't sure if Benton would need to go too.  

At some point during the section, I think after the babies were out, I started having really bad shoulder pain.  They warned me of this and they gave me some pain meds once it got too intense.

Once they were done they wheeled me back to my room and there were a slew of family and friends in there.  I was in a haze.  I kind of remember talking to people but really I think everyone just talked to each other.  I mainly remember thinking I just had 2 babies.  I want them with me right now.  I want Lonnie and he was with the babies.  I just felt so weird.  I felt alone in a room full of people. 

At one point I made someone go get Lonnie because it seemed like it had been forever since I knew what was going on.  He came in to talk to me and everyone left.  He updated me and said the helicopter was almost there.  Soon after he said it I could hear it landing outside.  He said Benton was not going to Arkansas Children's Hospital and that they would bring him to me later.  He made me feel better but I was still very worried about my girl and I wanted to hold my boy.  

The helicopter crew brought Em in the room to see me once they had her all loaded up in the box that the babies fly in.  I could barely see her but I could touch her foot.  They explained all the things to me but I didn't hear a word.  I just stared at my girl.  

This is getting lengthy so this seems like a good stopping point.  I want to do a detailed post about each baby in their first few days so that is up next.  

The twinks are here! And a whole lot of other craziness...

I have so much I want/need to share on the blog.  I plan on writing out some detailed posts but for now I want to get you all caught up on the gist of what's been going on.  I don't have much time so I may ramble!  

The last time I blogged was when I was 32 weeks.  As you all know I had been having contractions a lot and was on medication for them every 6 hours.  

I had my 34 week checkup on Monday, April 27th.  I am going write the twins birth story in a separate post so I will keep it short for now.  I felt better going into that appointment than I had felt in weeks.  I had been a steady 1 cm dilated and the contractions had seemed to level out a bit.  I was thinking I could go on like this for weeks.  Well, not so much.  I went to the appointment that afternoon and I had babies 2 hours later.  CRAZY.  

Benton Parker was born first via C-section at 5:15 pm.  He weighed 4 pounds 13 ounces and was 17 inches long.  My tiny man cried but I did not get to see him as they quickly took him to the room next door to check him out.  

Emery Harper was born 2 minutes later weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and 18 inches long.  She did not cry and they whisked her away to check her out as well.  

Lonnie went to be with our babies as was planned while I was being sewn up.  A couple of minutes later (I really have no idea of how long...seemed like eternity) Lonnie came back in and and calmly explained that Emery was going to need to go to Children's hospital because she was having trouble breathing.  I knew this was a possibility since they were early so I didn't freak out too much (riiiight).  

Once the section was over I was taken back to my room to wait.  I heard the helicopter land and I knew it was for my sweet Em.  Shortly after that they brought her in to see me quickly before taking her to Arkansas Children's Hospital (an hour away).  She was in the giant box they travel with so I could barely see her but I did get to touch her foot for about a minute.  

A few hours later I got to hold my little Benton boy.  

Things have been crazy this week having three children in three different places.  Benton was in the hospital with me, Em at ACH and Blakely at home.  We got to bring Ben man home Sunday night after 7 days in the hospital.  Blakely is thrilled with this but keeps asking when sister can come home from the other hospital.  Emery is still at Children's and we do not know a timetable for her coming home.  Detailed post on her to come but she is doing well.  She is not on any breathing support anymore and is getting my breast milk through a tube that goes from her mouth to her tummy.  I am headed up there this evening to try "non nutritive breastfeeding" with her.  Basically I pump and then after that we get her latched on.  Then they start her tube feed.  This is so she can begin to associate sucking with a full tummy without the risk of aspiration.  She has episodes where she breathes too fast and that mixed with learning to swallow lots of milk coming at her puts her at risk for aspiration.  We don't want that!

Both babies are getting my breast milk, Benton via nursing and Emery via her OG tube.  So far I am keeping up but it is crazy town.  A post on the boobs to come as well.  The logistics of breastfeeding 2 babies and hour apart is a little nuts but I am pretty determined to make this work and give them both what they need.

I can't wait to go see her tonight.  There are only a few opportunities for me to get up there to see her and I try to take advantage of each one.  I can't drive yet so I have to get someone to take me.  I have to have someone watch Blakely and Benton.  At this point the only person I trust to be able to handle that is Lonnie so I am going when he is not working.  He was off for a couple of days after the twins were born and while I was still in the hospital and he never left Em's side.  Now he is back at work and is having a hard time not seeing her.  Hopefully this weekend we can both go up together.  I also have to time it perfectly with Benton's feedings as I want to give as much of my pumped milk to Emery as possible.  I only want to leave one bottle for Benners so she can have the rest and I can nurse him when I get home.  Just typing all this out I can't believe I am doing this.  Seriously.  

The only thing keeping me sane since I can't see her all the time is the live feed ACH offers. They have a camera set on your baby and it updates with a new picture every 3 seconds.  So I can log on anytime I want and see her.  I don't know what I would do without that camera feed.  

So there is a recap of what has been going on here.  Thanks for all of your support though various other social media outlets.  Blog friends are the best.  I hope to get out a few more posts this week because I have a lot to say!  I am so thankful my babies are here and doing well.  I can't wait unit we are all under one roof! 

32 weeks!

How Far Along:  32 weeks!  Very excited about this.  Now if we can just make it 2 more weeks I'll be even more excited!

Maternity Clothes: I have about 2 things that fit and I wear them to the doctor.  Other than that I am in pajama pants/leggings and Lonnie's shirts...which are getting a bit too short in the front.  

Sleep: oh sleep.  Hit or miss really.  The last few nights I have slept in 15-20 minute increments which is pretty rough.  I wake up with either a painful contraction, back pain or hip pain that feels like my leg is falling off.  But when I am asleep I sleep hard!  Ha!  

Best Moment of the Week:  My appointment last Monday.  Tiny backstory since I haven't blogged about it.  When I went for my 30 week appointment I was "1/2 of a centimeter" dilated.  Since there had been a change in my cervix and I was still contracting quite a bit he started me taking the procardia 3 times a day (every 8 hours).  I contracted like crazy for the next 2 days coming very close to going to the hospital.  When I went back for my 31 week appointment I was really nervous that my cervix would have changed because the contractions seemed to have picked up.  And to be honest they can be pretty painful sometimes.  But I was only at a 1 which was minimal change so I was super happy about that.  I had a dream that I was like 5 cm and had to be taken to Little Rock so I nearly cried when he said I was a 1.  Whew.  

We also got an ultrasound to check the growth of the babes and they looked great.  Still both measuring big which is great and each a little over 4 pounds.  Baby sister has now joined her brother and flipped breech.  So that explains why I can't eat or breathe much..I have two large heads under my ribcage.  If brother flips head down then we can go for a vaginal delivery.  If he does not then it will be c-section.  Not worrying myself over this at the moment.  

**went to the dr agin today and there has been no change!  So we are hanging in there.  Super pumped about this**

Movement:  Yes.  I do feel like it has slowed a little but then right when I think that they start squirming around in there.  Lots of little twist and turns instead of the big head butts.  

Symptoms:  Nothing really new I guess.  Just contractions all the live long day.  

What I Miss:  I do miss being able to move my body.  Once I get comfortable then I am not moving until I absolutely have to.  

Food Cravings/Aversions:  I only really want cold food.  Probably has something to do with the reflux.  

What I'm Looking Forward to:  Well snuggling these sweet babes soon!  And putting the finishing touches on their room...although some of that may not happen until after they are here since I can't really go downstairs.      

Milestones:   I am just so happy to be at 32 weeks.  Each day and week from here on out just means the babies will have gained more weight.  My ideal goal is 36 weeks but I will be so happy for 34 weeks.  We can do this!  

Sanity:  I thought I would add this little section.  My sanity is holding up.  I am on my 4th week of bed rest.  I know this is what I have to do and I am trying not to complain.  But it does get a little boring laying on the couch all day and night.  It is hard to let all these people come in and out of my house daily to help take care of Blakely.  I am so thankful I have the help but I really miss being able to do these things myself.  I don't consider myself a control freak but after the last couple of weeks I realize that I really do like being in control of certain things!!!!  I know I will look back on this time and it will seem like it was so short.  I am trying to focus on that and just get through each day.  I miss playing with my girl.  I miss getting out of the house.  We are almost there.  I can do this.  Sometimes I have to give myself a pep talk.  ;)  

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Let it go

So, yeah, when you are on bed rest and can only get up to pee or take a quick shower you REALLY have to let a few things go.  We are two weeks into this and I think I am doing good not letting little things stress me out anymore (dirty dishes left on the coffee table !*&&^%$&!$$%).  

The first week was difficult and I probably drove Lonnie crazy telling him what to do.  Pick that up, take this in there, no Blakely can not wear that, you have to clean before Juanet comes to clean!  He looked at me like I was crazy.  But now I just forget about all of that.  We can live in a crazy house for a while.  We have people coming to help us clean (Juanet and Brenda) so in between it's fiiiiiiine if you can't see the floor or the kitchen counter and the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes piled up like a mountain.  Fiiiiine.  Totally fine.

I have also had to just deal with Blakely picking out her own clothes.  She is MAJOR into clothes and wants to change her outfit at least 3 times a day and no on else can have a say in her choices.  She and I had a deal where I got to pick out her clothes unless she was going to Jenni's or GranDi's house.  That was working well.  But now with Lonnie or a grandparent getting her dressed in the morning they just let her decide.  It's crazy what she walks upstairs wearing some days.  It drove me nuts at first buuuuuuut....letting it go.  

I also hate not being in control of what Blakely eats.  Generally she eats well but she has been getting a LOT more treats.  I haven't been going to the store and I am so thankful to have had people go for me.  So I can't complain too much when they come home with gummy treats and jello and sugary cereal.  Alllll temporary....letting it go.

And then there is me.  Do you have any idea when the last time I shaved my legs was?  Yeah, me neither.  I've worn the same leggings for 2 weeks only taking them off twice to wash them.  My feet and toes are totally nasty.  I was planning on getting a pedicure on my birthday but I wasn't feeling well.  TOTALLY REGRETTING THAT.  It is sandal weather now and I refuse to wear actual shoes now because I can't bend down to tie them...slipping on sandals sounds so much easier.  I got Lonnie to clip my toenails and paint them.  Love that man.  

So I really have nothing to complain about because I have all these awesome people taking care of me, my husband and my daughter.  But I would be LYING to your face if I said that it wasn't hard to relinquish some of the control I have over my own household.  It is getting a little easier because I realize that I have no other choice.  My job right now is to rest, relax and keep these babies growing inside of me.  So I am focusing on that because that is the most important thing.