One Year

One year ago today, Lonnie and I got our miracle.  

Happy birthday to the very best thing that has ever happened to us.  

This time last year

This time last year I looked like this...

This day last year I went to my 39 week appointment and found out that I would be meeting my daughter the next day.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  Yes, I was uncomfortable but mostly I was just anxious.  Nervous.  Scared about how much my life was about to change.  Wondering how everything would go.  I thought I was ready.  That I was prepared.  But I had no idea what this child would do to my life.

She is my reason for breathing.  My reason for everything.  I am so overwhelmed with love for her that it literally makes me ache sometimes.  She's beautiful.  She's smart.  She's funny.  And she's mine.  Oh how that makes me smile!  I am so lucky to have this little girl as my daughter.  I am more proud of her than she will ever know.  She is my greatest accomplishment.  I can't even believe it has almost been a year....WOW.

Hi. I'm emotional.

While nursing my *almost* one year old daughter Thursday night, I broke down.  I cried and then I cried some more.  I really haven't cried like that since she was born.  Ugly cry.  Let me explain.  

We are full on weaning.  I have just been nursing once in the morning and once at night for about a week.  I was planning on dropping the night nursing this weekend.  So that night was going to be the last night I nursed her before bed.  I was just staring at her and she was all snuggled up to me.  She looked so comfortable and relaxed as her eyes kept closing and then fluttering open to look at me.  Why am I taking this away from her?  Why am I taking this away from myself?  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to be done.  I AM ready to be done.  But last night I realized that I was just ready to be done during the day.  I could definitely continue nursing only morning and night for a while.  I think that I want to do that.  

Oh, but wait.  One of the reasons I am weaning her is because we are ready to start gearing up for our frozen embryo transfer.  Still breastfeeding=no baby #2.  This just pisses me off.  It is so unfair that I have to even make this decision.  If we had gotten pregnant easily this wouldn't even be an issue.  I would wean her whenever I felt like it and it would be no big deal.  I feel all of this pressure...like the boobs have to be turned off by our appointment at the end of October.  Like I need to hurry up and get my period.  Like I should've stopped drinking caffeine a month ago (shoot me).  Again, this is so unfair.  Welcome to my pity party.  

I think it is all just coming at me so fast.  She is turning 1 in a week...A WEEK!  Weaning has been going well but last night made me rethink the whole thing.

When I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed.  I worried so much about it, more than labor actually.  I am so lucky that it has gone so well for me.  I have loved being able to have that bond with Blakely.  I don't think I am ready to give it up yet.  

And it isn't all about me.  I don't want to nurse her forever obviously.  I just want it to happen organically.  Not this crazy rushed process.  She has done well with it so far and it hasn't been a big deal.  I want that to happen with these last two feedings also.  She isn't ready to give those up yet.  Soon, but not this weekend.  

Lonnie understands my feelings.  But he also thinks it is going to be hard for me to stop nursing no matter when I do it.  I know he is right.  Ugh....this is so much harder than I thought!  

Obviously I am a crazy emotional crazy person because now I am crying again.  I am certain that I am about to start the mother of all postpartum periods.  I'm pretty sure this post just proves that...

A chance to miss me

I have started going to the gym.  Mainly because I am completely out of shape and get out of breath going up my stairs.  But I joined also because they have child care.  So I can work out and she can interact with other kids...which she never gets to do.  I feel like she is getting to the age where she needs that.  They let you use the childcare for free with your membership for 2 hours a day.  Believe me, I seriously considered just taking her there and then sneaking into the locker room to read for 2 hours.  Still might do that.  

Anyway, we went yesterday for the second time.  There were about 10 kids there and Blakely was the youngest by at least 2 years.  She loves it because it is like a huge room and all she can think about is all the new toys she can play with.  The women who work there seem to really like B as well.  They keep telling me how happy she is, etc.  

I nearly died worked out for about an hour and then went back down to pick her up.  I walked in and she didn't see me.  She was busy chewing on some toy and being mesmerized by all the kids running around her.  I stood there and watched her for a few minutes.  I was telling myself how good this was for both of us.  I get a little me time (!!!!) and she gets to play...she was enjoying herself.  It made me happy.  

But then the most amazing thing happened.

She saw me.  

She threw that toy halfway across the room and crawled faster than I've ever seen her crawl, all with a huge smile on her face...heading directly to me.  She pulled up on my leg and started yanking my pants and saying "BA! BA! BA!" (which means up in baby).  I picked her up and she started giggling and snuggling.  

I almost burst into tears right there.  She missed me.  She loves me.  She recognized me and WANTED me....wanted me more than that awesome new chew toy that feels so good on her gums.

It was such an epiphany for me.  I know that she loves me, I am her mama after all.  But I don't really ever get to see it.  We spend all day together, every single day.  And yes, she gives me kisses and doesn't like it when I leave the room.  But she cries for me at home.  Cries when she's hungry, because I feed her.  Cries when she's sleepy, because I put her to bed.  Cries when she's bored, because I am the one who entertains her every day.  It is a good feeling knowing that I meet her needs and she knows it.  But, Lonnie is always the one who gets the "OMG! DADDY IS HOME...SQUEEEE!!!"  She is so happy to see him walk through that door everyday and it melts my heart every time.  She misses him.  

Watching her be that happy to see me, now that was a great feeling.  I don't get that very often.  She doesn't ever really get a chance to miss me.  She sees me all day long.  But, now I can be confidant that she does miss me even if I don't see it.  I am her person...I do all things for her.  She loves her mommy and that, THAT is the best feeling in the world.  

LA trip

We had a great time in LA.  When we went to Cape Cod it was great too but also hard!  This trip we took my mother in law with us and that gave Lonnie and I a few breaks!

Lonnie lived in LA until he was 11.  He loves it there and he feels at home.  He still has family out there (his moms side) so we did some visiting with them as well as some touristy things.  

B did great on the flights.  The first flight was 45 minutes and she just played in our laps the whole time.  I didn't give her any snacks or toys on this one because I wanted to wait until the longer flight to pull out my bag of tricks.  I also didn't nurse her on this one either.  It is so short that you don't really get up too high so her ears didn't bother her at all.  The second flight was 2 hours and 45 minutes.  I nursed her on takeoff but she didn't go immediately to sleep.  She fussed for a bit because she couldn't get comfortable.  Finally I got her to sleep and she slept for the first half of the trip.  She woke up happy and just played and ate a ton of snacks the rest of the time.

We got there on Saturday.  That evening we went to Lonnie's aunt and uncle's apartment (Izzy and Lampy).  Well I guess it is Bob's (that is what we call Lonnie's mom!) aunt and uncle but whatever.  They are 94 and 92.  They are not in good health but we had a great dinner and visit.  Blakely did good considering it was over 2 hours past her bedtime.  The time change was a bit difficult at first but we did get her back on schedule.  I didn't get any pictures of the family with my camera.  Someone else did take some but they haven't been emailed to me.  This is a picture from a couple of years ago when we went out there to see them.  

Sunday morning B woke up at 5...awesome.  In her defense that was actually 7 our normal time :)  Lonnie and I decided to walk to the beach and let his mom sleep.  It was early people!
We were trying to keep B up a little longer that morning before her first nap to try and get back on track.  It worked but she was sleepy...

We had a big family lunch on Sunday afternoon.  Instead of going to Izzy and Lampy's apartment we went to Lonnie's cousins condo.  Small backstory here.  Izzy and Lampy don't have air conditioning, which is never really a problem in southern California.  Except those 2 days...it was like 100 degrees there!  That is totally unheard of so their place was pretty hot.  We knew we were going to BJ and Kimberley's condo and we just knew they would have AC...  Well they didn't.  It was so hot people.  I mean, I live in Arkansas so I am used to it being 100...it has been 105 here for like 3 months!  But for it to be 100 with no ac....I am NOT used to that!  But even though it was super hot and we were all super sweaty we had a great time visiting with everyone.  They have a son that it a year older than B so I was able to let her crawl around and play with all of his toys and she was very happy.  I let her nap in his crib upstairs.  She was hot too!!  

She wanted to play around in the crib for a while so I sat outside of her room to watch her until she fell asleep...here I am...wet washcloth and all!

On Monday Lonnie and I went to Disneyland.  He used to go there all the time as a kid but I have never been.  He has been telling me about it for years and I was excited to go but we didn't want to take B.  We left her at the hotel with Bob and her cousin, Sherry.  We stayed gone all day long and it was seriously one of the best days ever.  We had so much fun spending time with each other and doing something we haven't done together before.  We needed that date!

This was my favorite!

worn out!

When we got back to the hotel we decided to walk down to the San.ta Moni.ca Pier and eat dinner.  

I didn't really plan ahead because we just kind of ran out the door but I forgot B's jacket.  Well   she got cold.  We bought the smallest sweatshirt we could find and I put some socks on her.  I took about 100 pics of this because it was just too cute!

Sherry, Pat, Bob, and me

Her Minn.ie Mo.use ears I got her from D-land.  I may have gotten her too much Dis.ney stuff ;)

The next day we rented bikes and rode to Ven.ice Beach.  They have the most amazing bike path there.  It stretches for miles and is beautiful.  

Her first taste of ice cream

 We wore her out

 That night Lonnie took me out to dinner.  We went to a GREAT sushi place.

On Wednesday we went to Hollywood to walk around.  We went to the Chin.ese Theater and after that we drove along Mulholla.nd Drive...sooo scenic!

On Thursday Lonnie and I had another day date.  This time we went to Malibu.  In the morning we rode horses and in the afternoon we went to the beach.  And yes, you read that right, I rode a horse!  I had only ridden twice before.  Once at summer camp when I was like 11 and a few years ago we rode on the beach in Grand Cay.man.  I was nervous for sure!  But after a few minutes I got over it and it was so fun!  

driving in to Malibu

The beach was so great.  The weather was perfect and I could have stayed out there all day long.  

We went to dinner that night with Bob and Blakely.  B was such a ham!  

yes, she's one

This is her "if you don't hurry with the Puffs I am going to freak!" face

What? I'm sweet...

She loves all of the attention

On our last day we decided to rent bikes again because it was so much fun the first time.  We rode for hours!  We got to see the space shuttle fly over twice also...super neat!

toes in the Pacif.ic  She wasn't too thrilled about it because it was cold. 

seriously..how cute is she?

She did pretty well on the flight home.  By then end of it she was pretty done.  She just wanted to be home and able to crawl around.  We ended up giving her the phone that was playing music and she chilled out quite a bit.

Sorry this got so long!  There were so many pictures!  We had a great time and I know we will go back soon.  Well not too soon.  I'm ready to stay home for a bit.  2 big vacations with the baby while trying to wean has worn me out!