First, a Christmas Countdown catch-up

I have to say that Christmas with a toddler might be the best thing ever.  I know that it will only keep getting better but it was pretty damn amazing this year.  

Before I post about what we did Christmas Eve/Day I wanted to finish up the Christmas Countdown.  I changed a few more things again and we came pretty close to completing all 25!

I made some sugar cookies one night.  I bought the icing in pouches because I thought maybe B could squeeze it out better.  Well she just though they were HER fruit and veggie pouches!  She was trying so hard to suck out that icing!  

One night we met Daddy at Crack.er Bar.rel for dinner.  They had a bunch of ornaments there so we picked one out while waiting.  Lonnie and I have been getting each other an ornament every year we have been married.  I forgot to take a pic of the ornaments but here are my loves at dinner!

Earlier that day I had put together a gingerbread house for her to decorate.  When we got home from dinner I set everything up for her.  She loved this so much.  I really think it was her favorite.  She liked taking the candy off and putting it back in the bowl the most.  I didn't like this one AT ALL.  The frosting was like toothpaste texture and hardened like cement.  The clean up was horrid.  But she had fun so that was good ;)

We didn't have the opportunity for daddy/daughter date night.  The night I had set up for that was my girlfriend Christmas pajama Pinter.est party but Lonnie had something else going on that night.  So I changed date night to go to a Christmas party!  She stayed up late and hung out with the girls.  She definitely entertained us!

I changed the make french toast for dinner to go to lunch with Grand and Aunt Jerry for their birthday lunch!  I just wasn't ever in the mood for french toast so I nixed that idea.  But we did go to lunch for Blakely's great-grandmother's 77th birthday and her great aunt's 89th birthday!  We had a great time although I think B thought the party was for her.  

Theeeeeeeeeeeeen we met Santa.  It did not go well.  

She is totally giving Lonnie the lip in this one.  

I think she would have been ok if Santa hadn't screamed HO HO HO in her face right before I handed her over to him.  I wanted to kick him.  But I love these pictures so much so I'm kinda thankful :)  

Last year I made a footprint Christmas tree for family.  I wanted to do it again this year but a little different.  This time I made reindeer.  Let's just say it was easier last year!  It took a bit of bribing for her to not run off and get brown paint all over my house.  

We went to Gar.van Gard.ens to see their Christmas display of lights.  We have been a few times and even went last year when B was tiny.  They add new stuff each year.  This year they added this huge tree.  The lights lit up with the songs that were playing.  It was great.  B was completely and totally mesmerized by it.  She didn't want to leave!

We marked a couple of things off of the countdown on Christmas Eve.  First up was opening a gift from Mommy.  It was her Christmas pajamas!

And just for comparison, here is me with my girl in her Christmas pajamas last year!

Not gonna lie...kinda teared up seeing that.  

We never really had a good night to drive around to look at lights.  Also, Blakely falls asleep in the car so driving around to "see" anything wasn't going to happen.  So I changed it to look for Rudolph with Grand Cousin Jan.  Jan to always take me, my brother, and our cousin Trent outside on Christmas Eve to do this.  I remember doing it every year and we have pictures from every year.  It was so much fun so I wanted her to do that with Blakely!  

The last thing we marked off the Christmas Countdown was read my Grand's copy of Twas the Night Before Christmas.  Her parents gave her this book when she turned one year old on December 19, 1935!  She has now passed it on to B and it is so special.  

OH!  Can you believe I forgot to leave milk and cookies out for Santa?  Grrrr....  He still showed up so that is good ;)  At the last minute I changed that to HAVE A WHITE CHRISTMAS!!  I live in Arkansas...I have never had a white Christmas.  It was awesome and beautiful!  

checking out the snow with Gran Di.  

this was actually the next morning looking off of my back deck

All in all I am so glad that I did the countdown.  I had to play catch up a few times but I'm thinking 22/25 is pretty good!  Here is the original list with the completed items crossed off.  

1. Decorate Blakely's tree.
2. Have a daddy/daughter date night.  Changed to attend a Christmas party!
3. Decorate cookies.
4. Go see the lights at Gar.van Gar.dens.
5. Sit outside by the chimenea one night.
6. Meet Santa and have B's picture made.
7. Go to a Christmas Parade.
8. Go see the life-size gingerbread house at the Arl.ington H.otel.  
9. Watch the How the Gr.inch stole Christmas (animated version, although I love the Jim Car.rey version!).
10. Read my Grand's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.  She gave it to B last Christmas and it was hers when she was little so it has been around a while.  
11. Have a Christmas movie night.
12. Pick out a Christmas gift for some special friends and send them.  
13. Pick out some of B's toys and donate them.
14. Get in the car and drive around to see the lights.  Changed to look for Rudolph!
15. Make footprint craft to give to family as gifts.
16. Shop for a special ornament for Daddy.
17. Open a present.
18. Make hot chocolate, sit indoors by the fire, and listen to Christmas music.
19. Decorate a gingerbread house.
20. Mommy and Daddy date night while B stays the night with Gran Di for the first time.    
21. Do a Christmas craft.  I think this is going to be decorating an apron for her to wear when we decorate cookies.  
22. Cut out snowflakes..errrrr, color a Christmas tree!
23. Leave milk and cookies for Santa.  Have a WHITE CHRISTMAS!
24. Color one page in a Christmas coloring book and date it.  I hope to continue this as a tradition. 
25. Make french toast for dinner and eat chocolate for dessert.   Changed to go to Grand and Aunt Jerry's birthday lunch!

If you are interested:

I blogged about numbers 1,7, and 21 here

I blogged about numbers 9, 11,12, 13, 20, 22, and 24 here

Blakely's First Christmas

I'm ok

I just wanted to drop in to let you guys know that I am ok.  

Thank you all so much for the sweet comments on my last post.  I am beyond thankful that I have made so many friends through this blog.  I love that I can be totally honest in this space and not have to worry about any judgement.  Thank you for that.  You guys lift me up when I feel so low and I don't think there is anything better than that.  

I felt so much better after writing that post.  I just let it all out and then hit publish.  Sometimes that is the best way to do it for me.  I feel like once I wrote that post I was able to move on.  I had my little pity party, grieved the loss, and then put on my big girl panties.  It is Christmas and I am determined to make this one the best one yet.  My husband hasn't been as much of a Scrooge this year and I can't wait until Blakely sees all of her new toys.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  

After the holidays we will decide when we want to take the next step to expand our family.  Right now we are just enjoying each other and watching this amazing girl grow up.  She is the best thing that has ever happened to us and we are incredibly proud to be her parents. 

Merry Christmas everyone!  I hope your holiday is beautiful!  

It didn't work

So I have been keeping a little secret from pretty much everyone in my life.  We went ahead with our FET.  It didn't work....

We had the transfer last Tuesday and I got the negative beta results yesterday.  

We didn't tell anyone except a few people that had to know to help us with Blakely.  I didn't even tell my mom and I tell her everything.  I just had these visions of surprising her on Christmas morning.  I really wanted that.  Stupid.  Now she is going to find out by reading this post because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell her.  I wanted to keep it private because I wanted to be normal.  Normal=fertile.  Fertile people get to keep their little beans a secret until they WANT to tell the world.  We, on the other hand, have to tell all kinds of people about my vagina and my husband's balls just to get through the process of attempting to get pregnant.  No I won't be at the Christmas party tomorrow night because I will be recovering from having a needle poked through my vagina 25 times.  Oh I 'm sorry we can't have dinner with you because Kelly will be laying flat on her back to help our embryos stick to her uterus.  Yes, I need off of work so I can drive an hour away, drop my "sample" into a cup, and then take care of my wife who just had her eggs sucked out of her ovaries with a needle.  Sucks.  

I actually got fooled.  I let all of those little symptoms trick me.  I feel dumb for that.  With my IVF's I never let those symptoms trick me.  I was hyper aware that all of those meds mimic pregnancy symptoms.  I never let myself think that it worked.  Well this time I let my mind wander.  Sore nipples?  I had that with B!  Super thirsty?  I had that with B!  Ugh....  I read back to my IVF that was negative and I had those same symptoms.  I am so dumb.  

I just wanted it to be easy this time.  I feel like we fucking deserve that.  We have just been through so much, ya know?  Couldn't it just be easy this time?  

No, it isn't going to be easy.  That much is clear.  We transferred one absolutely perfect embryo.  The other one didn't survive the thawing process.  The day after the transfer is when I got sick.  I knew that the chances of getting pregnant were lower than with fresh IVF.  I also knew once I got that virus that the chances were even lower.  But I still hoped.  I still really really hoped.  I let myself think that it worked.  I thought about how we would tell people.  I thought about having babies almost exactly 2 years apart.  I thought about being pregnant in the summer again.  I though about Blakely being a big sister.  

I am mad at myself for doing that.  I know better than that.  It just hurts more because I let myself think those things.  I should have protected my heart better.  I will remember next time.  

Now if we want to expand our family we have to do IVF for the fourth time.  I don't want to have that desperate feeling that comes with IVF.  It always feels like everything depends on the smallest little details.  I hate that feeling....the feeling of no control.  So many things flood my mind when I think about going through all of that again.  But mostly, how am I going to do this with a toddler?  And a husband that can't miss work? Lonnie can't just take a day off.  If he is supposed to be at work then he has to be there.  He has scheduled cases and there isn't someone that can just do it for him.  He hasn't "called in sick" since I have known him...7 1/2 years.  He does have scheduled vacations but you can't "schedule" IVF around that.  You schedule your life around IVF.  Are we ready to do that?  I just don't know.

I haven't cried...yet.  Although I have come close by writing this post.  I don't want to be sad.  I want to be happy Kelly.  I feel like I had finally gotten that part of me back.

Totally behind

I am so behind at life right now.  The good news is that I really don't care!  I am embracing my dirty kitchen and messy living room.  It can wait.  I have better things to do than spend my weekend cleaning, straightening up and bitching at Lonnie when he doesn't help me.  Ain't nobody got time for that...  (LOL...I hope you've seen that video or I sound like an idiot!).  

We got really behind on our Christmas Countdown because we all three got the super sickies last week.  Blakely started it so it is her fault.  ;)  She ran a fever and I didn't take her to the doctor.  Then she got really congested and coughed, barked, hacked, and choked all night long so then I took her.  Should have taken her sooner..mommy fail.  Here we are at the doctor.  

Daddy thought she deserved Chee.tos since she had STREP AGAIN!!!

A couple of days later I woke up with a sore throat.  I refused to acknowledge it thinking it would just go away.  No.  That doesn't work apparently.  Being sick with a sick baby is not fun.  BUT!  Being sick with a sick baby and a sick hubby is worse.  Needless to say we all spent a good three days in our pajamas and snuggling up.  I can't say I minded that part at all!  We are so so so lucky and I am so very thankful.  

This weekend we all feel much better so we are catching up on our Christmas activities!  I haven't blogged about everything we have marked off of the list so I thought I would catch y'all up!  I changed a couple of things.  For example, I quickly realized that cutting out snowflakes was not going to happen when I could barely do it!  So I free handed a coloring page and went with that instead.  I am just going to copy and paste the list with our completed items marked off....and then bombard you with pictures of my little.  Good?  Great!

I blogged about numbers 1,7, and 21 here.  

1. Decorate Blakely's tree.
2. Have a daddy/daughter date night.
3. Decorate cookies.
4. Go see the lights at Gar.van Gar.dens.
5. Sit outside by the chimenea one night.
6. Meet Santa and have B's picture made.
7. Go to a Christmas Parade.
8. Go see the life-size gingerbread house at the Arl.ington H.otel.  
9. Watch the How the Gr.inch stole Christmas (animated version, although I love the Jim Car.rey version!).
10. Read my Grand's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.  She gave it to B last Christmas and it was hers when she was little so it has been around a while.  
11. Have a Christmas movie night.
12. Pick out a Christmas gift for some special friends and send them.  
13. Pick out some of B's toys and donate them.
14. Get in the car and drive around to see the lights.
15. Make footprint craft to give to family as gifts.
16. Shop for a special ornament for Daddy.
17. Open a present.
18. Make hot chocolate, sit indoors by the fire, and listen to Christmas music.
19. Decorate a gingerbread house.
20. Mommy and Daddy date night while B stays the night with Gran Di for the first time.    
21. Do a Christmas craft.  I think this is going to be decorating an apron for her to wear when we decorate cookies.  
22. Cut out snowflakes..errrrr, color a Christmas tree!
23. Leave milk and cookies for Santa.
24. Color one page in a Christmas coloring book and date it.  I hope to continue this as a tradition. 
25. Make french toast for dinner and eat chocolate for dessert. 

Watching the G.rinch.  She actually watched it for about 10-15 minutes.  We put it on at bed/milk time so I knew she would pay more attention then.  She kept walking from Lonnie to me and then to her chair.  Over and over.  

I had an appointment about an hour away one day so we took that opportunity to do a little shopping at Targ.et.  Blakely loved the toy aisle.  She really wanted out of the buggy so she could play.  She helped me pick out some toys for some special friends.  They should be receiving them this week!  

Neat thing about babytoddlers....You can buy them presents while they are with you.  Win!  

We stopped and had an impromptu lunch date in the car.  I got us Pan.era and it was my first experience.  Love would be an understatement.  

On mommy/daddy date night we went to see Trans.Siberian Orch.estra.  We were really tired that night but it was still fun.  I always like a reason to get dressed up and show off my hubby!  Blakely stayed the night away from home for the first time that night.  She stayed with my mom...her Gran Di.  They had a blast and Blakely slept in until 800 for her!  We slept in as well and it was really needed.  Thank you Gran Di!

During nap time one day I tried to fold up some paper so we could cut out snowflakes when she woke up.  Yeah, that wasn't happening.  It was hard for me to cut through so I knew it wasn't going to happen.  I improvised.  

before and after...

She liked coloring a little.  She like taking the crayons out of the box a lot.  

Let's go show Daddy!!

This is when we went through some of her toys to give away.  She wasn't thrilled about it at all.  She was feeling sick sick sick.  She kept pulling out a toy, bringing it to me, crying, and then repeat.  Poor girl.  Oh, and yes, she is obsessed with her Minn.ie ears.  

Yesterday we colored in our Christmas coloring book that finally came in from Am.azon.  It is a really cute book with different family Christmas scenes.  I think it will be fun for her to pick out which one she wants to color in the years to come.  The plan is to color a page every year and date it.  I wrote her age on it and a little something about how she liked it on the page also.  

Quick sidenote here just because I thought of something.  I really love to color and always have.  My earliest memory as a child, possibly the earliest memory I have, was my mom teaching me how to color.  I specifically remember sitting on her bedroom floor right outside of the bathroom while she was getting ready.  I was getting frustrated because I couldn't stay in the lines.  She sat down with me and explained that you color by bending your wrist and making small strokes instead of bending your elbow and making large strokes.  Boom.  Total epiphany for tiny Kelly.  Thanks Mom!  

Last night we had a Christmas movie night.  Lots of of family snuggles!

We have lots of fun things left on the list.  It is going to be a super fun week and I am going to enjoy every second.  Yes, I have shopping to do.  Yes, I still have to wrap everything and put together some of B's toys from Santa.  But no, I will not get stressed about it.  I am going to enjoy this time with my family.  We are making memories together and that is what counts.