17

Blakely is 17 months old today!  I've resigned myself to the fact that she is rapidly becoming a little girl.  It is amazing to watch really.  Here are a few of my favorite pics from this month.  

She climbed into his shirt and was soooo proud of herself!

Her big things this month.  

• Girl is obsessed with shoes.  All shoes.  My shoes, her shoes, or Lonnie's shoes.  Shoe was actually one of her first words...it sounds like ISH.  Her new favorite is to put on our shoes and walk around in them.  She thinks this is hilarious.  Also, wearing shoes with pajamas is cool too.  

so excited...

• She is also obsessed with bracelets or "pretties".  This is my aunt Jenni's fault.  She always wears bracelets and Blakely has played with them since she was months old.  I have given up on keeping any of my bracelets to myself.  The other day we were outside playing and she was running around like a wild child.  But girlfriend kept her left wrist raised up the whole time so her pretties wouldn't fall off.  Smart.  

• She is for real interested in the potty.  I am not sure what to do about it.  I still feel like she is too young to quite understand but then I also don't want to miss our opportunity to teach her about it either.  I guess I need to read a book.  Anytime I use the bathroom this is what she does.  I mean....this is hilarious!

• She loves fruit.  Especially berries.  Her favorites are strawberries, raspberries and blackberries.  She will eat a carton of raspberries in one sitting easily.  

• I am looking into getting her started in gymnastics.  My friend told me they can start when they are 18 months.  I think she is ready, don't you?

Hi mom!

• She went to her very first birthday party this month!  She had such a great time.  It was for our sweet friend Eli.  Katie did the party in a camping theme and everything was so adorable.  She had a huge tent set up and I swear B ran in and out of that thing 200 times.  

• Her vocabulary expands by the day it seems.  I can ask her to say a word and she tries to repeat it.  Most of the time it sounds pretty close.  Her newest 2 words are yellow (ya-yo) and purple (puhpuh).  Her most frequently used word is uh-oh.  
• I am working on teaching her shapes right now.  She can pick out a heart every time, star and diamond about half of the time.  For some reason circle, square, and triangle go right over her head.  The flashcards I have are the shape on the front and then an object in that shape on the back so she calls the square a cracker.  Then we have to eat a cracker so that is the end of the the shape lesson!
• Animals are still a big favorite around here.  I found these "toobs" (no idea why they spell it like that) of animals on Am.azon and at Mich.aels.  They are pretty small but she doesn't really put anything in her mouth anymore so I don't worry about it.  I also don't keep them out.  We put them up and bring them out to play when she wants to.  

We have this one which is pets.  We also have the jungle and ocean animals.  I can't really explain how much she loves these little animals!  They have other things besides animals as well.  I have the "on the road" toob (different types of cars, trucks, etc), "in the water" toob (types of boats, submarines, etc) and "in the air" toob (planes, hot air balloons, helicopters, etc).  We have a book of first words and her favorite page is the one with all of the tractors, trucks, boats, cars, and trains so I thought she would like these toobs as well.  I haven't given them all to her yet.  I'll be waiting for a rainy day :)

This girl makes us so happy.  After she goes to bed at night Lonnie and I sit around and talk about how great she is and how happy she makes us.  We are so lucky to be her parents!  She makes us laugh constantly.  She has such a little personality.  I look forward to watching that little personality grow and grow!  Happy 17 months Blakely!  

Lately

So bed rest will drive a person crazy.  The good news is that I have come to the conclusion that this household could not possibly function without me.  At one point on Saturday evening this is what was occurring here.  
1.  Phone ringing
2.  Dogs barking
3.  Blakely running around screaming at the top of her lungs (normal, right?)
4.  Mother in law chasing Blakely around trying to catch her so she can feed her dinner (unsuccessfully)
5.  Doorbell ringing
6.  Music blaring on mother in law's phone that Blakely is carrying around with her.  
7.  Text alerts going off on my phone
8.  Oven timer dinging

All of this while I was laying flat on the couch unable to attend to any of these things.  Drove me bonkers but I couldn't help but laugh.  It is so hard to stay flat when there is so much that needs to be done in your house.  

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good.  I am 4 days post 3 day transfer.  That translates (sort of) to 7 days past ovulation.  I am just hoping that those little babes hung on tight in there and are growing growing growing.  I have my blood test on Monday...the day after my birthday.  Hoping for a fantastic birthday present!

On Sunday morning Blakely started running a fever.  We gave her medicine and it came down just fine.  Late that afternoon it spiked up to 104.3.  Not cool at all.  She just wanted to lay in the recliner with me which is so not like her at all.  We put her in a cool bath to try to cool her down until the medicine could kick in.  She slept in our bed that night because I was worried about her fever spiking again.  

serious bed head...

It did.  Yesterday she seemed fine though.  No fever until last night.  This morning she didn't have a fever but she obviously did not feel well.  She just wanted to lay in the bed with me.  I think she would have done that all day.  

We decided to take her in to see the doctor since she was obviously not feeling well even with her fever down.  He thinks she has a virus called roseola.  But if she doesn't break out in the rash that goes along with that tomorrow or the next day then I have to take her back in on Friday to be tested for mono.  Argh.  I hate when she is sick.  Really I do.  Although I LOVE the snuggles.  And we have been doing lots of that!  

The appointment started by Blakely peeing on me in the waiting room.  I have no clue what happened.  I just felt something warm while she was sitting on me and sure enough it came straight out of the diaper.  That has never happened before.  I didn't have a change of clothes for her (or me) so we just hung out and smelled like pee.  Cool

We were there for a while so we had a bit of fun taking some pictures.  She gives the best kisses ever!  On the bottom left picture she is showing off her boo boo...where they drew her blood.  

Lonnie is off work this week as long as his partner's wife doesn't go into labor.  She is 37 weeks with twins.  We have lots of plans of things to get done around the house and in the yard.  The weather has been great here and it is giving us all spring fever.  I am hoping the next 5 days go by really fast!  

2 embryos transferred!

I had 2 embryos transferred into my uterus this morning.  I could not be happier!

I got the call yesterday that they had grown and to come in today.  My MIL drove me up there because there was no way Lonnie could cancel his cases for the second day this week.

When I got there all I wanted was to hear how they were doing.  I just needed good news.  We had one 7 cell and one 8 cell embryo.  I nearly cried.  PERFECT NEWS!!!  They are both such strong little embryos...I am so proud of them :)

The transfer itself went very smoothly.  The worst part is having a full bladder with pressure on your bladder from the ultrasound transducer and then a speculum inserted.  Not cool.  It is over quickly thank goodness.  Now I am on bed rest for 2 days.  My MIL is staying here tonight and Lonnie is finally off this weekend.  So we have plenty of help taking care of B.  I hate not being able to play with her.  She doesn't understand and gets upset when I am in the room with her but not able to pick her up.  So I am hibernating downstairs while she plays upstairs.  I miss her tons but she comes down for a kiss every so often.  I have a stack of books so maybe this time will pass quickly.  

I am so happy to be laying here with 2 embryos in my uterus.  All I wanted was a chance to get pregnant.  In my life I have only really had 4 chances to become pregnant (because of my eggs)...this being the 4th.  I have hope that this will work.  I have hope that these embabies are little miracles like Blakely and will complete our family.  

This whole process is such an emotional roller coaster.  I really appreciate all of your support during this crazy time!  I know I have been up and down and I thank you for being there with me through it all.  

Now we wait....

I can't even think of a title.

Out of 13 eggs, they were only able to ICSI 3 of them.  Out of those 3, only 2 fertilized normally.  They will call me tomorrow to let me know if those 2 have continued to grow.  

I wasn't able to ask her why only 3 out of the 13 eggs were viable.  I am assuming those were the only "mature" eggs.  I don't know.  I waited around all morning for them to call.  Then I ran to Walg.reens for .004 seconds and she called when I was in line to check out.  Of course.  I'll ask her tomorrow although it doesn't really matter.  

Please let these 2 embryos turn into miracle babies like Blakely.  I am not very hopeful.  I have a terrible feeling that they are going to call me tomorrow and say that they stopped growing and that it is over.  All of this an not even a chance to get pregnant.  I don't know if I can take that.  Please let them keep growing.  Please let them have a chance to be transferred into my uterus.  I can take a negative pregnancy test but I don't know if I can take no embryos at all.  

But maybe they will be miracles like Blakely.  Stay strong little embabies.  Momma is trying to stay strong too.  

Such a downer blog lately.  Sorry for that.  

Lucky 13

They were able to get 13 eggs this morning.  I am hoping 13 is our lucky number.  Blakely was born on the 13th after all!  They are probably making our embryos as I type this.  Please let them fertilize properly and grow grow grow!  

I am hurting.  I just took a pain pill and am headed off to bed.  They will call me in the morning and let me know how many embryos we have and how they are doing.  Step one is over...we got the eggs.  Now on to step two...let's make some babies today!  

Quick update

I first want to thank you all for the sweet and supportive comments on my last post.  You girls lift me up when I am down and I am so thankful for this community of bloggers.  I don't know if I could be going through this without y'all!  

My appointment on Saturday went pretty well.  I saw the actual doctor I am assigned to although they are all great and I end up seeing them all through the IVF cycle.  He did my ultrasound and it looked even better.  I had about 7 follicles on the left and about 4-5 on the right with a number of smaller ones that could still catch up.  He said all was well and he would call me that afternoon with further instructions.  I mentioned that the other doctor said something about canceling the cycle and his exact words were "Oh you must have seen Dr. Doom and Gloom".  I laughed and told him that I called him Dr. Worst Case Scenario.  This doctor, Dr. M, said we would not be canceling and that my response to the meds was about average.  YEA!  

So later that afternoon he called and told me to continue the same medication Saturday night and come back Sunday.  I did and the follicles looked even better yesterday.  When he got my blood work back he said that we were ready for the trigger!  For those who are not familiar with this process, the "trigger shot" is called Ovidrel and it makes you ovulate.  You have to take this at an exact time (10pm for me).  Then you have the egg retrieval 36 hours after the shot.  So my egg retrieval is going to be tomorrow morning at 930.

I am so excited and also so nervous.  I just want to get a good number of eggs.  I am hoping for at least 12-14.  Just for comparison I had 14 with IVF #1, 14 with IVF #2, and 19 with IVF #3.  In order for embryos to be made they have to inject the sperm into my eggs (ICSI).  Since I have thick shells around my eggs (the whole reason for all of this craziness) they can't just put them in a dish and let them fertilize normally.  Anyway, usually about half of the eggs retrieved are able to be fertilized with this process and then half of those continue to grow like they should.

It is taking an army of people for us to coordinate things for tomorrow.  Here is the rundown.  Lonnie has cancelled his cases for tomorrow morning and has someone who is on vacation covering for him for 4 hours in the morning.  My mother is spending the night with us tonight because we have to leave at 645 in the morning.  Juanet, the lady who cleans my house and watches B regularly, will be at my house at 8 so my mom can go to work.  She has to leave at noon so my dad is going to come over and relieve Juanet in case I am not home yet.  Also, my mother in law is coming to the clinic in the morning in case things run long and Lonnie has to leave and come back to work.  If that happens then she will drive me home.  She will be coming to our house no matter what because she is going to take care of Blakely when we get home since I will be out of commission (also known as in pain and on drugs).  So it is taking 5 people plus me and Lonnie to make this happen.  But it is happening.  

I am feeling pretty yucky lately.  I am so bloated and my ovaries are huge and achy.  I have a constant headache and no energy whatsoever.  I am glad we are near the end.  I just want a good result.  

So there ya go.  Egg retrieval tomorrow.  I hope more than anything that we will have babies made tomorrow.  Please please please let us make some babies tomorrow.  If you have a spare minute just send some positive, happy and growing thoughts to my little embabies tomorrow!  I'll try to update when I get home tomorrow afternoon.  

I forgot how hard this was.

IVF is hard.  I mean for real.  I forgot just how hard it was and this time I have a toddler.  Hard.    The hardest thing is how I feel.  I can figure out someone to take care of Blakely at the very last minute when I have appointments.  I can inject myself 4 times per night.  But these damn emotions.  They get me.  

This post will probably be all over the place because that is just how I feel right now.

I was really feeling good about this whole thing.  I mean we have Blakely....that is what matters.  I thought I could focus on that.  I can't really explain how all of these hormones make me feel.  It is like every single thing in my head is the biggest deal.  Every thing is so important even though, rationally, I know it isn't.  For example, I dropped a can of salsa this morning.  Normally I would just clean it up...no big deal.  Well I burst into tears because why do I have to drop the fucking salsa?  Another example.  I forgot to turn the dryer on last night. So now I have to re-wash all of those clothes.  I do this a lot...no big deal.  I got so frustrated this morning.  I was throwing the clothes back in the washer and near tears of frustration.  See?  I know these are stupid things to get worked up over but I get worked up anyway.  I don't have any control over it.  

Then there are the big things that actually do matter.  

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound since starting the stimulation meds.  I had been taking them every night for 5 nights.  Well I watched the ultrasound and I thought it looked okay.  Not the best ever but okay.  I had about 11 follicles that he measured and a few more smaller ones.  After he was finished he took me into his office to talk about how it looked and where we go from here.  The usual.  He started comparing it to my last IVF (#3...the one that worked..obvs).  I am not responding to the meds as well as I did last time.  He said we need more follicles and my estrogen needs to go up higher.  Ok.  Fine.  Let's add more meds.  Then he said he would call me after they got my labs back and he would either up my dose or CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.

I froze.  He had to be kidding.  But he wasn't.  I couldn't even ask him any questions for fear of crying all over his desk.  I just got the heck out of there.  I got to my car and proceeded to cry the entire way home.  An hour drive.  I called Lonnie and I'm not sure I even made any sense on the phone.  He kept telling me it was going to be ok.  He kept saying if this IVF got cancelled then we would just try again.  I know he was trying to make me feel better but I don't want to try again.  I want this one to work.  I am tired of this shit.  I just want to have our babies and move on from this IVF chapter of our lives.  We have been bogged down by infertility for so damn long.  It is exhausting.  I just wish sex made a baby for us.  Is that so much to ask?  

They called me late in the afternoon and said that my estrogen had gone up but it was still a little low.  He decided to up my medication for 2 days and see me back on Saturday.  I am really hoping for a good report tomorrow.  Bigger follicles, more follicles, and higher estrogen.  Please.  

So yeah.  It is a roller coaster.  I knew it was but I forgot just how severe these emotions can be.  By last night I was happy and feeling good about the whole thing again.

The doctor that I saw yesterday has made me cry before.  He is great and probably my favorite but he always prepares you for the worst case scenario.  I hate that.  On our first IVF after our first ultrasound he told me that I would probably only get 5 eggs and maybe no embryos.  I cried the whole way home...it was tragic (in my head anyway).  Well it turns out that by the next ultrasound 2 days later my body had kicked into gear and I had plenty of follicles.  I ended up with 14 eggs at retrieval.  I am hoping he is just telling me worst case scenario this time and it will all work out fine in the end.  At least that is what I am clinging to at this moment.  

 I just wanted this time to be a little easier.  It took 3 years to finally get pregnant with Blakely.  Three really hard years.  Countless timed cycles, too many ovulation tests to count, a million medical tests for both of us, more injections than either of us can remember, 4 IUI's, 3 IVF's, a shit ton of money, and a whole lot of depression.  But it was all worth it.  I would do it all again because she is the best thing that ever happened to us.  I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of having this ridiculous pity party.