11dp3dt and GREAT NEWS!!!!

I can't even believe I am writing this post.

I am pregnant!  

Really....I am pregnant.....

I am pretty shocked....

My husband is SUPER shocked!

My heart races every time I say or think "I'm pregnant".  

So here is the story if you want to read it.  If you don't I totally understand.  I have been there and I know that this can be very hard to read.  I still can't believe this is happening...

I had my lab drawn this morning at 8:00.  Hubs and I decided that I would tell them to leave a message on my cell phone and we would listen to the message together when he got home from work.  This is what we did last time as well.  Except, last time I was totally preoccupied the entire day and didn't even have my phone with me, so I wasn't tempted to answer or listen to the message early.

Well today I had nothing to do.  I didn't sleep well at all last night so when I got home from the doctor at about 10:00 I decided this girl needed a nap.  I just wanted to sleep until he got home.  

So I slept for a couple of hours and then woke up and was playing Words with Friends (yes I am still addicted to this game) when DUN DUN DUN.....the phone starts ringing and it is my doctor's office.  

I immediately throw the phone across the room.  

I proceed to stare at it until it stops ringing.

I wait for the voicemail tone but it never comes....WTH??

Then....it starts ringing again!!!  HOLY SMOKES!!!

Why are they calling back?  They never do that.  What if something is wrong?  What if they dropped my blood or something totally ridiculous and need me to come back??

I better answer it then...right???

Me: Hello?

Nurse: Oh I am so glad that you answered!  I really hate leaving messages.

Me: I can't believe I did...I'm not supposed to....

Nurse: Huh?

Me: My husband and I were supposed to listen to the message together when he got home from work.

Nurse: Oh...WEEEEEEELLLLLLLL.....YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!!  Now you can surprise him when he comes home!!!!!  (I'm not kidding....she said it with that much excitement)

Me: WHAT????  Are you serious?  Are you sure? (I have no idea why I asked these dumb questions....did I think she was calling to play a trick on me or something?)

Nurse: Yes.  You definitely are pregnant.  You have a great level...it is 91.2 and we just want it to be over 50

At this point I was shaking uncontrollably and crying so I don't remember the rest of the conversation.  I think she told me to come back on Thursday but the weather is supposed to be really bad (it is an hour away) so I am going on Friday...no clue what time.....

We got off the phone and I didn't know what to do?  I didn't want to call Lonnie at work because we had talked about how he didn't want to know either way while he was a work.  

HMMMMMM.....what to do???

Call my mother of course!!!!

So I called my mom and she was, as expected, so excited!  My mom, my aunt Jenni, and my mother in law are the only people who knew that we would get results today.  

Then I just couldn't hold it in....I had to tell Lonnie.

Juanet, who cleans my house, was here so I couldn't get my HPT's out of the bathroom without her seeing.  So I decided that I would run to Walgreens, POAS in Walgreens, and then go to hubby's office and surprise him.  He was not going to be in his office until 1:30 so I thought I could make it.

When I was on my way he called me and said he had like 20  minutes before he had to go into the office and since I was in town why didn't I come by and we could listen to the message.  He was ready to know...I could tell.  So, I didn't have time to go to Walgreens.

He got in my car and looked really nervous.  I said let's hug for a minute and calm down before we listen.  While we were hugging and he said "you're going to be ok if it is negative, right?".  I whispered in his ear "I already talked to the nurse and we are pregnant"  He was totally, completely, and utterly shocked.  He reaction was wonderful and I will never forget it my entire life.  I was very happy to be able to surprise him!  I am so lucky to have him and our children are going to be so lucky to have him as their daddy.  I can't wait!

So there it is...

I finally got a BFP...

I refuse to stress about anything else......next beta, ultrasound, twins, ectopic, chemical pregnancy blah blah blah

I am just going to enjoy this moment with my husband.  

Oh and here is a picture...because I did say that I would pee on anything that will tell me I'm pregnant!

Oh, and I swear there is another pink line there.  I took this one tonight after dinner and about 5 glasses of water.  That is definitely a symptom....thirsty ALL THE TIME!!!!  I love it....

Oh and by the way, if you know me in real life and have happened upon my blog I request that you keep this news to yourself for a while.  We do not plan on telling anyone about this until AT LEAST 12 weeks.  Thanks!!!!

9dp3dt and Super Bowl

Today I am 9dp3dt and I really don’t feel any different.  I mean my boobs are really sore but, like I said in my last post, they have been this way since transfer day.  I keep going back and forth convincing myself that it didn’t work and then that it did. 

The things that make me thing that it didn’t work are:

1. I don’t feel pregnant.   Not that I wold know how it feels...but ya know what I mean...
2. I feel exactly like I did last time....and it didn’t work then...
3. I am cramping.  I have been for a couple of days now, which makes me think AF is just trying to show up.  They are not terrible cramps and not all the time...just occasional...

The things that make me think that it did work are:

1. Google says cramping can be a good thing.....
2. My boobs are sore and they weren’t last time...maybe they are getting a little bit more sore??
3. Surely it worked right?  The need to stay positive is overwhelming right now....

So there you have it...a whole bunch of nothing.  I wish something would happen to make me know it worked.  Like I could throw up at the sight of these sausage balls I am about to make.  Then I would KNOW it worked right?  Or I could pass out like they do in the movies...always know they are pregnant then!  Or then maybe I would just think I was crazy and making everything up.  Infertility makes me crazy.....

I had a ginormous breakdown the other night because I was convinced that I wasn’t pregnant.  I stormed off to bed early and cried like a frickin’ child having a tantrum.  Looking back this probably had less to do with symptoms and more to do with the fact that I was snowed into the house, all day, by myself, WITH NO ELECTRICITY!!!!  Not good for a girl on her 2 week wait who is trying to be distracted!!!  I’m pretty sure my husband has decided that I have lost it.  Maybe I have...not really sure at this point....  

It is getting harder and harder not to test at home.  I want to know but then I don’t want to have to go through getting a negative result at home and then go through it again on Tuesday.  Also, it would totally ruin my day.  I am having a good day so I think I should just leave it at that :)

My family is having a party for the Super Bowl.  We are going to my grandmother’s house (who will from here on out be referred to as Grand...because that is what we call her and it is weird to say type grandmother).  Not a huge party because my family is not huge...just about 8-9 people.  It should be fun and will for sure take my mind off of my lady parts.  

And just for fun here are a few pics of my family...

Grand on the right and my Aunt Jerry on the left (this was at their birthday lunch in December...they have the same birthday but 12 years apart)

My mom on the right (have I told y'all how awesome she is?) and Vickie (she is married to my mom's brother) on the left

 My aunt Jenni (my mom's sister, if you can't tell) on the right (she is super awesome as well!) and family friend Casey on the left...she is really more like family than just friend....

And just because it is not really a Super Bowl Sunday without out him....here is a picture of me with my Uncle Robyn (married to Jenni in the above picture).  He passed away in October.  His funeral was the day I got my negative beta results from IVF #2...awesome...I know....

I think he would be for the Packers but I am not sure....I'll have to ask Jenni and then that is who I am rooting for!  


Hope y'all have a great Sunday!!!!

6dp3dt

and I am going crazy...

I just need to know.  I’m not sure I can wait until Tuesday.  UGH!  I just want to go to sleep until then....wish that were possible.  

I will absolutely not POAS (pee on a stick).  I have peed on so many of them the past three years and I just can’t do it.  I don’t think I can see one pink line and not lose it completely.  I will only POAS if I get a positive Beta.  And then you can bet your booty that I will pee on anything that will tell me I’m pregnant!!!  Seriously...anything....

I have found that reading, cooking, and sleeping are the only things that take my mind off of my uterus.  So I have been doing those all day, everyday.  I sleep as much as possible.  I have read about 5 books and I have cooked dinner every night.  Husband isn’t going to be home tonight so I’m not cooking.  I think the only way I am going to survive this is Thursday night TV.  I love all the shows that come on tonight on N.B.C.  Three hours of laughing???  I’ll take it!  I can’t wait....

I don’t go back to work until next week and I actually miss it.  Working all day would probably distract me.  I only work part time and I was supposed to work Monday and Tuesday of this week.  I took them off because at the time I may have still been on bed rest.  So....no work this week.  I am just thankful that I was able to take the days off that I needed and it wasn’t too difficult to get someone to work for me.  Last IVF it was super hard!!!

I'm trying really hard not to obsess about symptoms but we all know that is almost impossible.  The only thing that seems different is that I am sleeping a lot.  But I am not really getting out and about so that is probably why.  Also my boobies are pretty sore BUT they have been like this since transfer.  They were never like this last IVF, even with the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots.  I think maybe it was the Luveris that I took this cycle.  Who knows!  We will see if I get any new symptoms or if these change at all.....

So now I am going to snuggle in the bed with my doggies (secretly, because they aren't supposed to be on the bed) and take a nap.  sleep....read....cook....repeat...until Tuesday....maybe I should throw a shower in there somewhere??? :)

Dusty

Dusty is my sweet little baby dog.  He is a Shih-Tzu and I got him when I lived by myself in 2002.  I had this type of dog when I was growing up and I loved him so much.  His name was Willie and he lived to be almost 15 years old.  We had to put him to sleep about a year ago and it was seriously hard.  I cried for days.  I still get upset thinking about it.  Anyway, when I decided to get a puppy I knew this was the kind I wanted.  They are soft and snuggly, and they don’t shed!  

Dusty and I were BFF’s.  He slept on my pillow every night and went everywhere with me (except to class!).  Yes, he is a boy but I spoiled him rotten. 

After Lonnie and I had been dating for a while, we decided that our pups needed to meet.  This was a huge step!  So, Lonnie brought Darwin over to my apartment and we were going to take a walk.  The second Darwin was let loose in my apartment he peed on my carpet...sweet!  But I sort of expected this....he gets a lil' crazy.  Then he spotted sweet innocent Dusty.  He took off like lightening after Dusty and my poor baby didn’t even have a chance.  Darwin had him cornered and was barking his head off and trying to gnaw off his legs.  Dusty was looking at me like “Momma....HELP!!!!”  I proceeded to freak out and save Dusty.

This was not going well....

Lonnie thought it would be better if we went on the walk so Darwin would be distracted.  We tried but didn’t even make it out of the parking lot. Darwin got so tangled up in Dusty’s leash that Dusty got loose.  I spent the next 30 minutes trying to catch Dusty who was running for his life to get as far away from Darwin as possible.  

This was bad....

We went strait back to the apartment and Lonnie took Darwin home.

I wasn’t sure what to do.

I super loved Lonnie.

I super loved Dusty.

What was a girl to do?

We tried to do this multiple more times and it went the same way.  Finally, one time when Dusty was cornered and Darwin was going at him, Dusty just flipped out.  He barked back and tried to bite Darwin and started chasing him.  Apparently this was all that it took.  Dusty just needed to stand up for himself.  They have been BFF ever since!  What a relief!

snuggle buddies...

this was before we kicked them off the furniture...I was obviously sick ;)

A few fun facts about Dusty...

He HATES being groomed.  I’ve literally had to pick him up mid-appt because the groomer thought he was going to have a heart attack.  Mid-groom....not good.  Then I got him some doggy Xanax for when he got groomed.  This did not go well either.  It did not kick in until AFTER he got groomed and then it lasted for like 3 days.  Then mommy needed Xanax.  I have finally (after 8 years) found a groomer that is totally awesome.  She is a flippin’ dog whisperer and Dusty loves her.  I just say “wanna go see Helga?” and he starts turning circles.  

He gets no attention.  Darwin will not allow it.  Anytime you pet Dusty, Darwin comes rushing in pushing him out of the way.  I feel bad about this because Dusty was used to sleeping with me and cuddling on the couch all the time.  His life was forever changed when Darwin entered the picture and I think he secretly despises Darweenie for this.  Don’t worry though...I got Dusty groomed right before my transfer so he has been secretly snuggling with me in the recliner...don’t tell hubby....

I have to feed him in secret because Darwin eats all of his food.  I took them both to the vet a couple of months ago and Darwin had gained 3 pounds and Dusty had lost 3 pounds.  Not cool.  So Darwin is on a diet and Dusty gets all the peanut butter he wants.  :)

Here are a few pics of Dusty...also known as Duster, Dustmop, Dusteroo, Dustdog, and Loverdust.......

He always has crazy eyes....

umm...think he needs groomed?

 He had been playing in the mud...which was super fun for momma when she got home...

He's just so cute....

Thanks for listening about my fur babies....

I sure hope these real babies are sticking...

Darwin and 3dp3dt

First of all, I am 3dp3dt and I am still feeling hopeful.  I was getting down the past two days (bedrest will do that to ya!) but I got a very uplifting phone call this morning.  They were able to freeze our other two embryos!!!!  HOLLA!!!  This girl is excited.  I burst into tears when she said that on the phone.  I was NOT expecting her to say that at all.  I really needed some good news.  Other than that I am trying not to think about what is possibly going on in my pelvic region...which is super hard!  I have found that reading a book is the best way to stop thinking about it.  I have read about 3.  So moving on!


I thought I would do a post about my furry little babies.  The dogs and I have a love/hate relationship...it is mostly love though.  You will understand more of this later.  

When Hubs and I met, he had a dog and I had a dog.  It just so happened that they were the same age and about the same size (they will both be nine in May but they were almost four at the time).  Their similarities end right there.  They are complete opposites.  His (our) dog is a Jack Russell named Darwin.  If you know anything about Jack Russells then you know they are spastic/crazy/psycho dogs.  This is totally true...take it from me.  I swear someone slips this dog crack on a daily basis just to drive me bonkers.  A few fun facts about Darwin...

-He absolutely despises other dogs.  He loses his shit anytime a person walks by our house with their dog.  He tries to chew through the metal fence that he is in to get to them.  My husband keeps telling me he is smart...but his actions make me think otherwise.  Some of our neighbors (they are Russian) have two huge dogs (Hubs says they are Rhodesian Ridgebacks which means nothing to me....all I know is they are huge and mean and not on a leash) and Darwin would love nothing more than to be let out to have a go at them.  I actually do love him most of the time so I do not open the gate.  Oh, and those dogs only respond to Russian commands...I need a lesson...

-He LOVES peanut butter.  I mean most dogs do but not the way Darwin does.  He, like, has a sixth sense and he knows when the PB has been taken out of the pantry.  He comes barreling in from wherever he was and will pretty much knock you over to get at it....He’s like 20 pounds...OK?  I am convinced that if you put him in an endless container of PB he would eat it until he died....like, exploded!  You see why I question his intelligence?  Also, if you have gotten the PB out and eaten it yourself and not given him any, he will find your favorite shoe and chew it to pieces.  Even though your favorite shoes are not kept on the floor.  I think he has special powers.  This would be the hate part of our relationship.  

-He LOVES my husband.  Maybe because my Lonnie was the one to raise him for the first three years of his life...who knows?  All I know is that Darwin only listens to him.  I can say something....it gets ignored.  Lonnie tells him something and he does it IMMEDIATELY.  Is this how our kids are going to be??  I hope not because it is quite irritating.  He would NEVER chew his shoes...although he did chew his house shoes ONCE but I am convinced it was because I wore them to get the newspaper and he was confused.  He never refuses to go to his doggy room if Lonnie asks him.  And he doesn’t bark maniacally at the birds or geese or the wind or whatever when hubs is home.  ARGHHH!!!

I really do love Darwin, although it may not seem like it.  He is such a lover!  Sure for the first 20 minutes that you walk in the door he acts like crazy man, running in circles all over the house and jumping on you relentlessly, BUT after that he wants nothing more than to be snuggled and petted.  I often find him curled up on top of one of my decorative pillows from the bed (that is on the floor because I am not one to make the bed).  He knows he is not supposed to do that so he holds really really still and thinks that if he doesn’t move or look at me that I won’t notice him.  It is really cute.

Our dogs are not allowed on the bed (long story for another day).  Sometimes, if he has been recently groomed and Lonnie is not home, I will let him up there to cuddle.  He loves this.  He curls up next to my legs and just snores away.  We bond....

He is also very protective of me which I find very cute as well.  I mean, of course he would protect Lonnie first, but I’m ok with that :)  

Anyway.....here are a few pictures of crazy Darwin also know as D, crazy D, D-dog, Dar-Dar, and Darweenie.  

Staring out the window to make sure he's not missing anything he can bark at....

I caught him on the couch.....

really hoping for some PB.....

This has turned into an extremely long post so I will do Dusty another time!  But here's just a little preview....

That's right....biggest Shih-Tzu ever...

Never mind!

Never mind about transferring 3 embryos.  After all that friggin' hoopla yesterday!  The clinic called me this morning to tell me that we now have 4 8-cell embryos, two good and two excellent.  So, that means that 2 of them caught up and one was upgraded to excellent!  This is super news!  Since this turn of events he recommended transferring just 2, since we now had 2 excellent ones.  This was absolutely fine by me.  I mean I wish I wouldn't have gone through all that yesterday but at this point I'm like whatevs....

The actual transfer was pretty easy....minus the full bladder.  I pretty much had to concentrate on not peeing on him the entire time.  I wonder if that has ever happened?  That is honestly the hardest part.  I mean you have to pee, then they are pressing on your bladder with the ultrasound transducer (yes that is what it is called), then they put the speculum in.....it is really lovely!

So I am now laying in bed snuggled up with my beebies and telling them to hang on tight!  I can't wait for my honey to come home and snuggle with us....

STICK BABIES STICK :)

Why is everything so hard?

Everything to do with infertility is so hard.  Why can’t something just be easy....just for flippin’ once?!?!?  The clinic called me this morning to let me know how our embryos were.  Here are the results

2-2 cell good quality

1-3 cell good quality

1-4 cell good quality

1-4 cell excellent quality

and the other one had not divided

48 hours after retrieval the embryos should be 4 cells...but they can sometimes lag a little behind.  So, this is not the best report.   

The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to do a Day 3 transfer (which I expected) and he recommend transferring 2 or 3 embryos...whatever we wanted.  Well, this was not what I expected.  I mean I just figured they would tell me that we would transfer two.  I never thought about having to make a decision.  I don’t want to decide!  How am I supposed do decide such a thing?  I mean there are so many questions.  I told her that I would have to call her back after I talked to my husband.  So, we talked.  He was at work and very busy so it was hard to talk about it.  Our main concern, OF COURSE, was getting pregnant with triplets.  I just felt like I didn’t have all the information I needed to make a decision.  I mean if we have all 4 cell excellent embryos then I don’t think he would even be recommending 3 at all. 

So, I called the clinic and asked if the doctor could call me back because I was having a hard time deciding and I had some questions.  These were my questions...

Why would we transfer 3?

Was it because we transferred 2 excellent last time and it didn’t work?

What is my chance of triplets?

Do my chances of a single pregnancy go up by adding a third?

Why are they not dividing like they are supposed to?

Is it because of the thickened covering around my egg?

I cried like all freaking afternoon.  I know that I am emotional but I just couldn’t help it.  Like sobbing....UGH!!  I would make a decision and then not feel good about it.  Then I would change my mind and feel good about it for a while and then start crying again.  So frustrating....is there a right decision?  I don’t think so.

So he called me back later in the afternoon.  He basically said that the embryos were not dividing like they should and probably only three of them would be viable, two of them being the correct number of cells.  That is one reason why he was willing to transfer three.  Also, since last time we transferred 2 excellent and it didn’t work, he was willing to transfer three.  He said our chance of getting pregnant with triplets with the embryos that we had, and if they continue to divide like they are, was 5-8%.  He said that our chance of a single pregnancy goes up by a lot more than that.  He said he would do whatever we wanted to do he just wanted to give me the facts.  He said a whole lot of other stuff and gave me some examples, etc.  

So, after a lot of consideration/crying/thinking/stressing, we decided that we are going to transfer 3.  I feel good about it after talking to him.  We also decided that if for some reason tomorrow they are all 10-cell excellent then we will only transfer two.  

This was a really hard decision for us to come to.  I was upset all day about it.  I really hope that the people who read this don’t judge me.  I just never thought I would have to make this decision.  I just figured they would tell me what to do (I realize this may have been naive).  Or I never thought it would be this hard.  I know the worst thing in the world is not triplets.  It just scares me.  Scares me like crazy.  The goal of these fertility treatments is not to have multiples like some fertile people may think!

The thing that gets me through tough times like these is knowing that I have my husband right here beside me.  I know that we can make it through whatever life throws at us.  This comforts me...

So there you have it.  Tomorrow we are transferring 3 beautiful embryos.  I am excited and nervous at the same time!  EEK!!!

Again, I really hope people don’t judge me....

This is my blog and when I started it I told myself that I was going to be honest.  So I am.  I want to document my life and all these emotions go with that.  No one can understand this unless they have been through it themselves.  I know many of you can relate to this.  But I also know that there might be others who read this that might not understand.  So there is my disclaimer :)

I promise I’ll have a happier post soon!!!