Meltdown

So I had a major small meltdown on Thursday.  


I have been feeling it brewing all week really but it all came to a head yesterday.  


First of all, everything is fine....apparently I am just a crazy woman.


For the past few weeks I have been worried about my cervix.  Will it dilate early?  Can it hold her in there now that she is getting bigger?  I have just been scared to death that my water would break right now...ending all of this.  I don't feel like this is an irrational fear...I just think that I let it get the best of me.  


I have been worried for multiple reasons.  The main one is that I have had quite a bit done to my cervix in the past few years.  I had four IUI's, an HSG, two embryo transfers, and two mock transfers (which is like having a metal rod shoved through your cervix).  I also had abnormal cells on a pap smear which led to biopsies of my cervix and then freezing of the bad cells.  So, I just felt like my cervix has been through it.  This is the rational part....


Another reason I got worried is because my really good friend, Keisha, had her water break at 28 weeks.  This was last year.....actually the baby's birthday is tomorrow!  It was such a scary thing and little Kyndal had to stay in the hospital for almost two months.  She is absolutely fine now but at the time it was very intense.  This is the irrational part...


So, before I left for Florida I made Lonnie look with ultrasound to see if my cervix looked ok.  It can be really hard to see the cervix on an abdominal ultrasound but I felt like we saw it good enough to put my worries at ease.  You really need a vaginal ultrasound to measure the cervix best but I decided we didn't need to do one.  


Then for the past two days I just felt weird.  I started having pain on my left side.  I didn't feel like it was my uterus but it was hurting pretty good.  I was actually scared it may be a kidney stone.  The pain was making me nauseated and I just wanted to lay down while I was at work.    This by itself did not stress me out....


Also yesterday my nipples started leaking.  I will post more about that in my next Kelly Belly post but the main point is WTF???  NONE of my books said anything about this happening so early.  This kinda weirded me out but, again, this by itself did not stress me out....


I was at work yesterday....still feeling weird....but just chalked it up to being worn out.  As I was about to walk out the door I had to pee really bad.  This is another thing for my Kelly Belly post next week....my peeing issues.  So, since I do ultrasound I wanted to see how full my bladder was before I peed and then check it after to see if I was emptying all the way because I'm not sure that I am.  And well, ya know, I had to take a little peek at my girl.  She looked fine but there was a small contraction on the front side of my uterus.  This is normal and I see it all the time when scanning other women.  The freak out came in when it looked like my sac of fluid was dipping into the cervix.  I couldn't tell if the small contraction was just making it look this way or it really was.  Scanning yourself is hard and I couldn't get a really good look at it.  I know...I know...I know way too much about all of this.  And it is times like this that my job comes in to haunt me.  


So all of these things put together resulted in a total meltdown.  I called my husband, who was at home, and told him to come up there right now so we could look at my cervix.  He told me to chill and come home and rest....that there was nothing we could do anyway.  This led to pissed off and freaking out.  I came home and went and laid down in the bed.  


I cried for about an hour while my husband was taking a nap.  I just kept thinking of all the bad things that could happen.  My mind was just racing.  I think in the back of my mind I knew that I was totally overreacting but I just couldn't calm myself down.  I am actually surprised that I didn't have this meltdown any sooner.  


When he got up from his nap he decided that we should go back to the hospital and look at my cervix....to make me feel better.  He did not seem worried....


Of course everything looked fine.  My cervix was looking like a rockstar and measuring over 3 cm.  I can't even tell you how much this relieved me.  I have got to calm myself down.  I can't do this again.  It just makes me feel awful.....and I'm sure it drives my husband crazy...actually I know that it does.  Looking back on this I really think this was a panic attack.  I have had them before but it has been a long time.  My head just got the best of me and I freaked!  


I am just in a really scared place right now.  I am trying to focus on the positive and not worry about the "what-if's", but this is really hard for me.  I have stopped reading all the posts on the babycenter app on my phone.  I just can't read stuff that is going to stress me out right now...I totally overreact.  I am sure I will calm down soon...I guess it is just hormones??