I am going to tell you a story. Part 4

This is part 4 in my story of our fifth IVF. 

Lonnie and I got to the clinic on Thursday the 4th of July at 830.  I brought them donuts because I know no one wants to be at work on a holiday!

I knew going into the retrieval that we would not be getting as many eggs as we had in the past.  I wasn't concerning myself with the number.  I just wanted some mature eggs that could be fertilized so I could have a chance at getting pregnant.  

In order to continue this story I need to back up a little bit and tell you (for those that do not know) a little bit about the reason for our infertility and explain a little bit of the IVF process.  I will keep this pretty simple but I feel that it is needed in order to understand what happens next.  I have the "Our journey" tab at the top that goes into all the details of our struggle with infertility and you can check that out if you are interested.  It is lengthy.  

We had unexplained infertility until our first IVF.  In "normal" IVF, after the egg is retrieved from the ovary it is put into a dish.  Then a bunch of sperm are put into each dish with each egg and they watch the magic happen.  The day after your retrieval they call you to let you know how many eggs were fertilized.  They call you each day to let you know how your embryos are growing until they decide they are ready to be transferred...usually 3 days or 5 days after the egg retrieval.  

On our first IVF, I got a call the day after our egg retrieval, from Dr. M, telling me that we didn't have any eggs fertilize.  That was not the phone call I was expecting.  We had retrieved 12 eggs so I had my hopes up very high.  To say I was upset would be an understatement.  I won't go into that but we did find out why we had been unable to get pregnant.  The outer covering of my eggs (the zona pellucida) is very thick and the sperm are not able to penetrate.  I was told this was pretty rare but there was something they could do.  We could do IVF with ICSI.  ICSI is when they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it.  So from then on we knew we had to do IVF with ICSI and we did for the following IVF's.  

Ok.  Back to this story.  Dr. B was able to retrieve 7 eggs.  That was a pretty low number but I was still hopeful.  We came home that day and I slept the rest of the day.  I could not relax until I knew the results of fertilization.  I listened to my Cir.cle + Bl.oom many times trying to relax and think positively about my little fighter embryos growing growing growing.  

The next day I tried to stay busy even though I was still in pain.  Lonnie, B and I went to the grocery store.  Right when we got back in the car my phone rang.  

It was Dr. B.  Not the nurse like usual.  

My stomach dropped.  I just knew.  Only doctors give bad news.  

He told me that we did not have any fertilization.  I looked at Lonnie and shook my head.  

Then he rocked my world.  He told me that they did not do the ICSI.  I am just going to say that again.  THEY DID NOT INJECT THE SPERM INTO THE EGGS.  In other words...they completely and totally fucked up.  

From this point on it is a bit of a blur.  I know that I burst into tears complete with sobs and shakes.  I threw the phone to Lonnie because I could not even speak.  Dr. B told him the same thing and began to explain but Lonnie told him we would have to call him back.  I was a mess and B was starting to cry in the back seat.  

The did not do ICSI.  The most important detail.  The reason we were having this done in the first place.  No embryos.

I did not have a chance to get pregnant.  No embryos.  They did not do ICSI.  It is all over.  Just like that.  

We came home and I went straight to bed.  It was the middle of the day.  I haven't cried that hard in a long time.  The only time I can even remember coming close is when I got the "no fertilization" call with our first IVF.  But that time I knew we had other options next time.  

I got up a few hours later and told Lonnie we had to call Dr. B back because I needed to know more.  How did this happen?  How in the fuck did this happen?  Did they just forget?  I mean, so many questions.  

I talked to Dr. B for almost an hour.  I got some answers.  None of them helped me to feel better.  How can they?  I am still left with no embryos.  He understood that.  He made no excuses.  He explained how it happened but he took full responsibility.  He was emotional right along with me.  There were a lot screw ups from the beginning but the basic fuck up was this.  The embryologist who does the ICSI was not working that week.  I should have never been scheduled to have my IVF during that time.  They did not realize this until right after the retrieval.  There was nothing they could do.  It should have been caught many times throughout this process.  Keep in mind I started birth control pills to begin this IVF at the end of May.  THE END OF MAY.  I fell through the cracks...  Just unbelievable.  

I am still in shock from what happened.  Even a week later I can not even believe that the clinic messed up and did not do the ICSI.  I am hurting.  I could have handled the embryos just not sticking and getting a negative pregnancy test in 2 weeks.  But this?  This is really hard to take.  They failed me and I had a lot on the line.  I am just sick.  

Part one
Part two
Part three

I am going to tell you a story. Part 3

This is part three of my story about our fifth IVF.  

I left off yesterday with me increasing my medication and being told to go back to the clinic in 3 days.  

I headed back to the clinic on Friday for lab and ultrasound.  This was my first ultrasound to see the follicles.  The results were not that awesome but they weren't terrible either.  My left ovary (which is usually a rockstar) only had 2 follicles and the right ovary (usually lags behind) had 7-8.  I could deal with that.  Like I said in part one of this story....I just wanted a chance to get pregnant.

I saw Dr. M that day.  He is actually my main doctor but I have seen all of them many times.  If you remember during our last IVF we retrieved 13 eggs.  Out of those 13 we only had 3 that were mature.  I wanted to make sure each of the doctors looked back at that cycle during this cycle to compare and to hopefully get more mature eggs this time.  Only the mature eggs can be fertilized.  

On that Friday I spoke with Dr. M about this.  He told me that he was the one on call that weekend and he would look back at all of my cycles.  He suggested possibly doing the stimulation medications an extra day to try to get more mature eggs.  I felt good that I had talked to him about it and that he was going to be the one I would see all weekend.  I would have been happy with any of the doctors but I liked the idea of having the same one all weekend.  

In all of my other cycles I have taken the trigger shot on Sunday night and had the egg retrieval on Tuesday so that is why I had asked about the doctor on call for the weekend.  I felt like he would be the one making the decision as to when to trigger and whether or not to stim for an extra day.  

Anyway.  Friday afternoon they called me with my results and told me to continue the same meds and come back on Sunday morning.  

I did just that.  When I got there on Sunday Dr. MS walked in the room.  I thought that was odd since Dr. M specifically told me he would be the one there.  I went through the whole spiel with him about not having many mature eggs last time and really wanting to try to get more mature eggs this cycle just like I did with Dr. M on Friday.  After the ultrasound he said that he thought I would probably stim one more day if not 2 more but he would have to check my lab to make sure.  Later that day he called and said to continue the same meds that night and come back to the clinic in the morning...Monday morning.  

I was very happy with that.  That meant I was going one day longer than I ever had and I felt very hopeful that would help with my egg maturity.

I went back to the clinic on Monday morning.  This time it is Dr. B.  I love him and I saw him the entire cycle when I got pregnant with B.  He takes plenty of time to talk to each patient so I knew he would hear me out.  I went through my whole spiel about egg maturity with him.  This was my third time.  I was being proactive because I felt like I needed to make sure they understood how important this cycle was.  After my ultrasound he told me to come back into his office.  

When I sit down the first thing he says to me is this.  

"Dr. M is no longer practicing here so you will be seeing Dr. MS and myself the rest of the time."

Seriously?  Dr. M quit on Friday afternoon.  Quit.  Resigned.  Retired.  Whatever.  He quit on a Friday afternoon (soon after I had my talk with him!) heading into his call weekend.  

I worked in the medical field for years.  My husband is a physician.  That is one of the worst things you can do.  If one of my husbands partners did that, I mean, I can't even really imagine it.  I am sure there is much more to the story that I don't know (I've heard maybe he had some medical issues) so I will just leave it at that.  Dr. M left the practice and left Dr. B and Dr. MS to take care of all the patients.   

Another sign?  Maybe...  But I was only looking for hopeful signs.  


Back to the story.  Dr. B listened to me about this cycle.  He knows me well.  I have seen him the most out of any of the 3 doctors in the practice.  I trust him.  I know he is very thorough.  I was not concerned that my main doctor had quit.  I knew Dr. B would take care of me.  

He called me Monday afternoon and said he wanted me to stim for one more day.  (This meant going back to the clinic the next day for monitoring.)  He thought I may have one egg that would be "post mature" but I had quite a few others that he thought could mature after one more day.  I was very happy with this.  I felt like we were doing something different and hopefully would get a different outcome.  

I headed back to the clinic on Tuesday.  Keep in mind I had been on the hormones 2 days longer than I ever had.  I was uncomfortable.  I was bitchy.  It is 2 hours round trip to this clinic and I had been there Friday, Sunday, Monday, and now Tuesday.  I was ready for a retrieval.  More than ready.  

Tuesday afternoon the nurse calls to tell me that I am ready to trigger.  I will get detailed here.  The trigger shot is Ovid.ril.  You take this at a very specific time and you have the egg retrieval exactly 36 hours after.  This medication stimulates ovulation and helps to mature the eggs.  I was told to take the shot at 10pm and be at the clinic on the 4th of July at 830.

A 4th of July retrieval!  That sounded good to me.  Surely a holiday is a good day to make some babies...

Part one
Part two

Part four

I am going to tell you a story. Part 2

This is part 2 of my story about our fifth IVF.  

I left off yesterday with me having started the ovarian stimulation medications.  Once again, I am going to be very detailed about this process because I know I have some readers who are not familiar with IVF.  

After being on the stimulation hormones for 3 days I went in for lab work.  During this process your estrogen levels are monitored through lab work and your eggs/follicles are monitored via ultrasound multiple times.  They do this to see if they need to increase or decrease your medication and to see when your eggs are ready to be retrieved.  

This first monitoring appointment was just lab work so I was able to take Blakely with me.  She was an absolute angel doll sitting with me while I had blood drawn.  She was so sweet to the nurses and secretaries and really kept them laughing the whole time.  That girl loves to entertain.  I may be in trouble with her "I love being the center of attention" act.  

That day was Lonnie and I's 8 year anniversary of our first date.  I would be lying if I didn't hope that was a sign of good things to come.  There were other "signs" as well.  I started my first injection of lup.ron on the day Blakely turned 20 months old.  Once we got this process started I realized that if I did get pregnant I would be due in March.  And close to my birthday. I have always ALWAYS wanted to have a baby in March.  I just thought it was a great time of year to have a birthday.  When Lonnie and I first decided to try for a baby we started trying i June with the hopes of having a baby in March (naive and stupid).  It just seemed like things may be lining up perfectly for us this cycle.  I tried to ignore these signs but, like I said, LYING if I didn't have hope about it.  

After my lab work was done I came home and waited for the phone call to tell me what to do next.  The nurse finally called at 5:00.  Just another stressor in this process.  I have to sit around and wait by my phone all day in order to know what meds to take that night and when to come back to the clinic.  I don't get great cell service at my house so I literally put my phone in one spot where I know it will reliably ring.  And then I wait.  Anyway, the nurse finally calls.  

She tells me that my estrogen is 75.  Then she says that I might have a cyst because they want my estrogen to be below 25.  She wants me to come back for repeat lab before we start the stimulations meds and if it is still up then we will have to postpone the cycle.  To someone who hasn't done this before that might sound reasonable and they would have just done what she said.  But I am a veteran and I knew that wasn't right.  I HAD ALREADY STARTED THE STIMULATION MEDS.  

When you have the lab work to make sure your ovaries are suppressed your estrogen needs to be lower than 25.  Once you begin the stimulation meds (which I had done 3 days prior!) they want your estrogen to go up.  That is what helps to produce the eggs!  I told her that I was confused and that I HAD ALREADY STARTED THE MEDS.  She sounded confused and put me on hold.  She came back and said that I was right and told me what the doctor wanted me to do.  Keep my Follistim the same (375), double the Menopur (up to 150) and come back in three days (on Friday the 28th).  

When I got off the phone I was in a bit of shock.  I am glad I was on top of it and said something.  But that just added to my stress unnecessarily.  Talking about signs, maybe I should have read that as a sign of things to come.  

I will continue tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.  

Part one

Part three
Part four

I am going to tell you a story. Part 1.

I have a lot to get out right now.  And I have to start from the beginning.  Mainly because that is the only way for you to understand but also because I need to heal.  The only way I can do that is to write it out.  I am hoping this helps.  This story does not end well so don't get your hopes up or anything.  

We did IVF.  Number 5 for those of you keeping count.  

I began taking birth control pills at the end of May and started the Lupron injections in mid June.  For those unfamiliar I'm going to be very detailed here.  Those two medications are used to suppress the ovaries.  Once they are good and suppressed then you can start the ovarian stimulation medication (used to help your ovaries produce a bunch of eggs).  

I went in on June 19 and was told that everything looked good and that I could start the stimulation medications the following Saturday, June 22.  This cycle I was going to take Follistim and Menopur...the same medications I have taken before.  

I did everything right this cycle.  We took a break and made sure we were in a good spot to start this process over again.  I had gotten back into my gym routine and I had been keeping myself healthy.  I had lost 12 pounds by eating clean and exercising 3 days a week.  That made me 5 pounds less than what I was when I got pregnant with Blakely and back down close to my wedding weight.  I was feeling really great about myself.  I had stopped drinking alcohol even casually and stopped drinking caffeine (hard).  I also purchased Circl.e + Bl.oom meditations to listen to during the whole cycle.  I hoped it would keep me calm and positive during the stresses of IVF.  I had heard great things from people about it and felt like it was worth the money.  I wanted to do everything that I could since I had so little control over everything else in this process.  

I was ready.  

I felt like my body was ready.  

If you remember this post then you know that we figured this to be our last cycle.  I couldn't think about that going in to it just because that is a lot of pressure.  I wanted to stay calm and try to be positive about the whole thing.  One of the reasons we decided to go ahead with this IVF is because we felt content with out lives.  We are so lucky to have our miracle Blakely and we knew that if she was the only child we were blessed with then that was enough.  Of course, we want more children but you don't always get what you want.  We could be happy with our family of three.  

A lot of you asked me when our last cycle failed why would the next one be our last.  There are a few reasons for this.  The main one being that it takes a huge physical and emotional toll on me and our family.  It is hard to inject so many hormones into your body.  It makes me feel out of control of my body.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and I am not easy to be around during the process.  Is it going to work?  Is it not going to work?  Happy when things are going well.  Completely down when things aren't going exactly right.  Then there is the physical toll.  The actual process is painful.  Swollen ovaries, multiple injections each night and then the egg retrieval.  Having a needle punched through your vagina multiple times is not comfortable.  Also, what are the side effects of doing this to my body 5 times?  No one really knows but it is always in the back of my mind.  

The other big reason for this one to be our last is the financial toll.  IVF is not cheap.  I know some of my readers know this first hand.  We were luckier than lucky to have great insurance coverage for our first 3 IVF's.  But going into our FET (frozen embryo transfer) last December we had reached our lifetime max of infertility coverage.  So every single dime since then has come out of our pocket.  I can't tell you the exact amount (because I don't want to go back and add it up) but each IVF costs about $13,000-$15,000.  Yeah.  Not cheap.  There comes a time when you have to think about using that money in a different way.  We have saved up enough to do these fertility treatments without it putting too much of a strain on our finances but, like I said, there comes a time when you really need to take a good hard look and decide what is best for the family in the long run.  

So.  On June 22 I started taking Follistim (375 units) and Menopur (75 units).  I know, having gone through this before, that I probably would not have an excellent response.  The more you do this the slower your ovaries respond, in general.  I didn't care about getting 25 eggs or a huge number of embryos.  I just wanted a chance to get pregnant.  Just a chance.    

I'll stop here for today.  I decided to divide this story into 5 parts so I don't write the longest post in history and so I don't bombard you with information!  I will post one each day this week.   All five posts are already written and were written on Sunday July 7. 

Part two
Part three
Part four

the weekend....

We had a great weekend.  As expected!  Quick (yeah right!) recap with lots of pictures of course.  

Saturday morning Blakely woke up super early so we decided to watch some Mick.ey in the bed with Coll.ier and Sy.ble.  Terrible picture but it was such a sweet time.  This was the first time B had seen them because she was asleep when they got here Friday night.  She was so excited.  

We ate breakfast and immediately went out on the boat.  We took a long ride and then stopped to swim for a while.  B was getting very sleepy so we eventually headed back to the house for her to sleep.  Well, she fell asleep on the boat for a bout 10 minutes so once we got back to the house she refused to nap.  Yikes.  I was a little worried about her attitude for later in the day but she did great.  I think she was just distracted with so much going on.  

We hung out on the dock and in the water while my mother in law and her cousin, Andrea, watched B in the house.  My sister in law's friend and her family (husband, aunt, uncle and son) stopped by and hung out on the dock with us for a while.  

After a few hours in the water we headed up to the house to start cooking for the fish fry.  We had another couple and their 2 kids over for dinner and to let the kids play.  They are friends of ours but they also know my brother and sister in law.  We usually have them over when Marshall and Kristen are in town.

My {amazing} mother in law made real french fries.  And she brought all of the groceries...

This sexy guy fried 4 pounds of crappie.  If you are unfamiliar with this fish a) I feel sorry for you and b) you don't pronounce it the way it looks ;) 

one of about 6 trays....

The weather could not have been better.  It was high 80's and not too humid.  Let me just repeat that HIGH 80's!  At the beginning of July!  It is usually 100 by now and so humid you can't breathe.  Thank you thank you thank you!  We were able to sit outside without the mister or even our large umbrella up.  Perfection.  

All of the kids had a ball.  They built a huge fort in my living room.  At one point it was a 2 story fort!  Blakely was just trying to keep up with them and doing a pretty good job of it.  Jeremy was the builder of the forts.  We called him the fort engineer...

Blakely absolutely loved playing in the fort.  She did not want to come out.  It was adorable watching her take toys in there and play by herself.  Such a sweet girl.  

They also made a ton of paper airplanes.  Still finding these in random places...

After we stuffed ourselves with as much food as possible we headed down to the dock to shoot some fireworks.  I just took B down there for the first few because I knew she wouldn't like the loud noises and it was already 930.  

B and I came back up to the house and since she was so sleepy and snuggly I decided to let her watch a Mick.ey in our bed.  This girl didn't go to bed until after 10!  And with only a 10 minute nap.  She was such a trooper and she had an absolute blast playing all day.  The good thing about having bigger kids over is that it shows you that your "big girl" isn't really all that big yet.  Thank goodness.  

When I got back upstairs from putting her down, everyone had broken into the strawberry pie my MIL made.  It was, of course, wonderful.  I could have eaten the whole pie but, alas, I had to share.  

The next morning B did not sleep in.  Not cool my dear.  So we were up bright and early for another fun day.  Coll.ier and Sy.ble have been asking for a long time to see pictures of when my MIL was a child.  They also wanted to see pics of their daddy and uncle Lonnie as kids.  So my MIL brought her projector and slides (can you even believe that?) and put on a slide show for all of us.  It was so fun and the kids had a great time guessing who everyone in the pictures were.  Total hit NanaBob!  

Colli.er and Sy.ble wanted to take another ride on Big Mable before they left so Lonnie and I took them out...just the 4 of us.  

Coll.ier wants to ride really fast and turn in lots of circles.  Syb.le "just wants to ride, not all crazy, just a smooth ride"....her words.  We let him ride by himself first so he could go crazy.  He leans in and loves going outside of the wake.  I told him next year he will be begging Uncle Lonnie to try to throw him off the thing.  

Syb.le said Coll.ier could ride with her but only if we did what she wanted.  So we went slow and gave her a smooth ride.  :)

I love this one.  Look how bored he looks!

There it is!  Our fun summer weekend.  We are hoping they come back in a month and we can do it all again!  Happy 4th of July!

fun-filled family weekend ahead

Lonnie's brother, Marshall, and his wife and kids are coming this weekend.  My mother in law, Bob, and her cousin Andrea are also coming to stay.  We are going to have a house full and I can't wait!  

The twins haven't seen B since January.  They live about 2.5 hours away.  Lonnie's mom lives in the middle so we usually meet at her house.  But once or twice in the summer they come here for a long weekend and we all look forward to it so much.  I just looked back at the last time they were here and B looks like a BABY.  They are going to be amazed at how much she has grown up.

We are planning a weekend spent on the boat, in the lake and just outside in general.  We bought "Big Mable" for them for their birthday a few years ago and I am sure we will spend a lot of time on it.  Pulling it behind the boat, jumping off of it and trying to throw Uncle Lonnie off of it.  

I have set up our baggo and ladderball (birthday present last year..) in the back yard and the kitchen is soon to be stocked with all kinds of fun summer yummies.  

We were in Florida for the twins' 8th birthday in May so we are giving them their gift this weekend.  We got them a boatload (and I mean A LOT...I am having trouble finding a gift bag big enough) of fireworks so they can put on a show for all of us on Saturday night.  With Lonnie's help, of course.  :)  We are having a fish fry on Saturday and another couple is coming over with their kids.  It should be fun and I am sure by Sunday we will all be worn out...if not sooner.  We all usually end up falling asleep before even making it to the bed.  

I love weekends like this in the summer.  This is what it's all about.  I'll be sure to update with all the details on Monday (as usual!).  

I hope everyone has a great weekend too!  

Wordless Wednesday

Are these ever actually wordless?  I think not.    

The other night Lonnie brought home some BBQ from a pretty famous local place.  It is called McCl.ard's and it is somewhat well known.  It has been featured on the Food Ne.twork a few times and anytime you come here everyone will tell you that you have to go eat there.  Pretty sure Bi.ll Clin.ton is who starting spreading the word about McCl.ard's.  He was raised in my hometown ;)

Anyway, we haven't had it in a while and I was having a serious craving for their tamale spread.  It is a bed of fri.tos with a tamale on top, covered with shredded beef and beans and then covered with sauce and shredded cheese.  Um yeah.  It is amazeballs.  This was Blakely's first time tasting the awesomeness that is a tamale spread.  

Pretty sure she approved....